Don’t want to talk about exercise or weight today, as it happens. I want to talk about people who do things that to them seem perfectly normal and acceptable. Except, inevitably, they’re not thinking about anybody else but themselves.
Inevitably, in the modern world, victims struggle to be recognised if there’s enough money and/or power behind those accused of abuse. It’s the constant reminder of fact: it does not matter how advanced or enlightened the modern world claims to be, if someone decides to hide abuse, then they will and they do. Effectively, we are still in the Dark Ages.
That fact does not really seem to change however far down the ‘chain’ of abusers one goes. Ignorance is what keeps most abusers in the dark: not other people of their actions, but them of their own. ‘I had no idea I was hurting you, I’m so sorry’ can read as either manipulation or salvation, and at that point in any relationship, it depends on how much trust has been destroyed. Anyone can be an abuser. ANYONE.
If you’ve been abused, it is incredibly easy to see the signs from distance.
It also makes you struggle to trust people and establish worthwhile relationships, a fact which can then cloud your judgement… except it doesn’t. Believing the person who has been abused should always be the default, and so often it isn’t. I’ve done this myself in the past, and there’s been cause this last week to consider those situations in a different light. Again, abuse has become personal. Does this abuser even realise their crime?
I doubt they grasp that what they’re doing even is abusive… because, you see, this isn’t just about physical domination. Most abuse is mental, psychological attacks, long-term trauma that one can deal but that just keeps coming back, again and again. When massive, household names appear on TV or use social media to highlight abuse, it’s often with no reference to them at all. Except increasingly of late, those rules are changing. Abuse is everyone’s problem now.
All abusers care about is their own welfare, their own happiness, their own professional positions. Telling them to stop, blocking the means by which they can communicate, refusing to engage are all well and good but that does not stop the person from continuing to abuse others. In the two most high-profile abuse cases you’ll find in the press this week, greed seems to be a strong motivating factor.
More significantly, it’s making people choose sides, when that should never be the issue to begin with. Without full grasp of all the facts, everything becomes speculation, hearsay. In such situations, one inevitably returns to personal experience and your own moral code. Inevitably, the same conclusion is always reached, because it is the most sensible. Believe the victim, because inevitably they have the most to lose.
Except, in at least one very VERY high profile case involving young men and an older man, many people won’t. It would destroy their perceived vision of a legend, and it is easier to let that vision of wholesomeness remain intact, untainted. In the era of what will be called ‘Fake News and the Preservation of Self’, several decades from now, history will remember those who’d rather believe lies than have to accept personal growth.
We’ll stop believing victims because the people they’re attacking have too much to lose. When the world teaches us that the pinnacle of achievement is to be rich and famous, attacking those who have this is unfair. We cannot accuse these people because they have so far to fall if found guilty. It is not right to ask these people to give their money to those who have less, because it is theirs to begin with…
If you people could hear yourselves. Abuse comes in many forms.
I’ve wanted to write this post for months. The stars aligned this week, and finally the right words arrived to allow it to happen. Your life is nobody else’s to dictate but your own, and the choices you make should NEVER end up stopping progression. This week, not only did I find my voice, but grasped that some people, whatever they have to overcome, will put stones in their own roads to stop that from happening.
I choose who friendship is given to: it is my decision, and mine alone. Perception of me is wrong if there’s not understanding that by refusing to communicate I’ve stopped being a friend. I cannot help how anyone chooses to see me, but I can guarantee it’s not the real me. That only happens with prolonged, personal interaction. Reading my blogs for years does not make anybody my friend. It just means they need a better hobby.
Manipulating others to get your own way is never the answer.