Once upon a time, I would not have known that today would be the turning point. It’s hugely helpful to now be able to look at myself, objectively, and understand when the tide shifts. It allows a measure of organisation that simply did not exist before. More importantly still, self-care is possible, where it did not take place previously. The fear that underpinned everything can then effectively be dealt with.
Right now, I’m not sad. I’m afraid. Saying that out loud is hugely useful as well, because it rationalises so much else. There is a scheduled dentistry checkup, which is inevitably fear-inducing without everything else that is currently taking place around me. My daughter is unexpectedly home sick and being able to be a good mum also makes me afraid. Most importantly however, my own fear of failure is inescapable.
Understanding the difference between depression and fear is an enormous change. It’s pretty much the most important thing to happen to me internally since counselling and now that’s apparent, there’s the opportunity to employ some transformative ideas in order to move the personal narrative forward. Somethings are already in progress, others will undoubtedly appear over time.
However, the key to all of this is the significance of blame. No, it doesn’t matter who or what is at fault in most cases, and this whole situation is not to be played as a martyr, not ever. I don’t need those kind of games in my life any more. If there is to be acceptance of genuine progression, pointing fingers and apportioning blame needs to stop. That’s my problem to deal with, nobody else’s.
The only way forward at this point is upwards, towards change and improvement.
Better start climbing, then.