The hot sweats are back. This is undoubtedly not good for rational, sensible behaviour. However, I’m not a hysterical woman. Thursday night’s emotional outpouring was, undoubtedly, sadness and fear. It’s like being two seperate people right now: the functioning adult and a scared, incapable child. The thing that joins them both is emotion, or the complete lack of it.
Right now, I am totally numb.
There’s no point being angry about anything: these are issues that cannot be changed, intractable variables placed by time and circumstance. What has to happen is for me to move on, and so it seems a good idea to treat all of this right now as grief. Therefore, it is time to establish new routines and make the most of my increased physical resilience. It will make lots of tasks easier going forward.
Being numb has a lot of advantages, especially when it comes to being rational in the face of increasing hormonal instability. The downside, however, is it doesn’t make for sparkling conversation or emotional interest. Right now, there has to be a choice: with only a limited amount of ability and capacity, you do what’s doable. It helps a lot that the comfort eating avenue’s been finally quashed, though.
Happiness should, I hope, come eventually in time.
Except oddly, this is a happy place. It’s not one fuelled by the need to watch Thing A or buy Thing B. If there’s real honesty here, just the process of writing, poetry and stories grants the satisfaction I have craved for a very long time. Going out’s not nearly as much fun as I remember it being, maybe that needs fixing. There are a lot of variables right now that aren’t clearly defined, or indeed describable.
That however is the biggest step forward in terms of personal progression. Writing has granted me the ability to describe how I feel, properly, for the first time in years. This blog post would not have been possible a year ago. That’s where things are in terms of progress. So, yeah, I may not have everything organised or under control but at least that fact can be better communicated than before.
I’ll take that.