Gerald’s Game

My husband’s plan right now, in his own words, is to ‘finish the Internet’ which includes watching pretty much the entirety of Netflix. Last night he ticked the titular Stephen King adaptation off his list. I’ve lost interest in King, as I did with Terry Gilliam and a load of other stupid white people some time ago. I woke up this morning convinced someone like that will have filled my Twitter mentions with hate, then remembered that was five years ago.

I was never truly sure who the person was who spent all that time hating me. It could have been a bunch of people, when all was said and done: most of them are still active in the fandom which I now sit very much on the fringes of. However, the hate was real, as was a remarkable amount of racist, white supremacy crap that still freaks me out. Calling people out for their views normally goes one of two ways. On reflection, it could have been far worse.

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I still wonder, should I have published some of the stuff I was sent? Two letters in particular stand out: one telling me to in the most polite way possible to fuck off, the other begging me to be friends again. This piece of my past keeps resurfacing because, inevitably, I’ll still see these people’s content hanging around. I’ll get half conversations in which their friends are involved, where I’m blocked.

It happened again yesterday, hence why this dilemma undoubtedly resurfaced in my subconscious last night. Someone would have accused me of fabricating the mail, or attacked me for publishing what was clearly a private conversation. Would my personal vindication have outweighed the drama it created… nope. I have a lot to thank fandom for, over the years, and the most significant debt comes with understanding just how fucking petty humanity can be.

All this over a computer game… it’s just like dealing with family. ^^

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My plan to get through this enforced period of lockdown is to throw out all the remaining unnecessary baggage I’ve been carrying for decades. I’m gonna get lean, not just in body but in mind. The fact nobody as yet has jumped on my poetry or written endeavours in this new venture is a luxury that may not last long either: knowing how bad the world is, and will be is good future proofing when all is said and done.

Therefore, today’s thought is simple: never get complacent. Learning is a full-time job, after all. Use what happens to you not as a means to complain, but to understand. Maybe that person has a different approach to social media than you do. Maybe that other user made a good point that you could benefit from considering. It isn’t just you in the World, and there will be times when like it or not, you’re the problem.

Life should be difficult, especially if you shove yourself in the spotlight.