It is always the unexpected that cripples me mentally. However well-prepared you think you are, it’s when summat you’d not provisioned for turns up and pole-axes the plan that confidence and belief take a hit. Of course there is benefit in vulnerability and honesty, but only if they serve as learning tools. This is my scheduled reminder therefore to myself that the headache will be worth it eventually.
Sometimes I’m in situations that play out like memories that are remembered from the past, but not in a good way. They are echoes of moments that, in many cases, have been actively blanked or forgotten about for very good reason. When these trauma flashbacks resurface, more and more it is without the sting of earlier incidents. If I didn’t know better, I’d say this is getting better over time.
I’m immensely grateful to my family for their support and understanding, which is both generous and gracious. To have such a loving and understanding place in which this healing process can take place is significant, especially during a period of intense stress on a wider stage. It would be a stupid and arrogant person who would ignore such opportunities, and I am trying my best to ensure not one moment is wasted.
However, this does mean that emotions have shut down in other places: that’s why this month’s playlists are quite a bit more important than was first grasped, why the experimental poetry I’ve taken on board is suddenly a lot more important than was first realised. I am functioning differently than what could be considered as ‘normal’ largely as a result of extraordinary circumstances. In that respect at least I’m not alone.
At least, in my defence, I’ve now admitted this publicly.
We’d like to apologise for this change in course, but frankly there’s nothing that can be done about it at present. I’ll get back on a bike tonight, all the things will continue to be written, then we’ll just see what happens because frankly I don’t really know what’s next emotionally. It just does what it does for a while: following a new path, from chaos will eventually emerge a transforming idea…