I have spent many years, bouncing from crisis to crisis internally. A lot of it never sees the light of day: many things, believe it or not, never get shared with you lot either. There is one undeniable truth however: the person here is pretty much exactly the same as the person on the other side of the screen. There are subtle variations to the whole, I suppose, but I’m too old to really get that stressed about the concept of a whole different persona just for the Internet.
It does happen though, with almost predictable frequency: someone will ‘be’ a certain way online until you reach a stress/tipping point and then, suddenly, you’ve lost them. What was once the beginnings of comfortable and relaxed becomes stifled and distant. There’s good reason for all of them, and occasionally you need to be the person who pulls back when it becomes apparent that regard has developed into something a little less accommodating.
Then there are the moments when you fuck it up royally. I had one of those, at the weekend, and this morning with enough air and space between my indiscretion and the moment, I can feel fairly sanguine about the whole thing. I look up at the note on the board to my left that states, in cheery cartoon lettering that ‘Not Everybody will be your Friend, and you should be Grateful’ with sad resignation: it is what it is.
It’s still really hard to write though: I just distracted myself for half an hour with something else, I’ll go and put another load of washing on now to delay the admission of culpability. There is other stuff that’s irked: it’s never been so lonely as it is right now despite the fact I know that a ton of people are rooting for me. Trying to explain this is hard, but it comes down to the level of disconnect that takes place between me and events.
Right now, everything I desire does seem a very long way away.
Most things however can be easily solved with distraction: put something else to do on the table and suddenly it’s all forgotten. Eventually, with enough space everything becomes an exercise in objectivity. There are more than enough other things to be obsessed with: currently I’m trawling around the Internets learning about Argha Noah (which supposedly is the Egyptian celebration that predates the story of Noah’s Ark.)
There is always something else to do: it’s why I am amazed at those who sit around lamenting they have no focus or direction because somebody else has not accurately signposted ever action that needs to be taken on their behalf. However, when it is quiet and still, normally about 3am in the morning if the last few days are any indicator, you can’t escape the ramifications of your actions.
I’ll learn to live with the regrets in time.