Atomic

My brain’s reconstituting itself, right now. Inside this head, behind sore hay fevered eyes, neural pathways appear to be healing. That might not be the right word, on reflection: it isn’t like memories are reappearing that are a surprise. All of this was there before. The problem here is that they’d been very much forgotten.

I have no idea about the science, but can tell you with absolute confidence that after I’d written those last nine poems yesterday something shut at least half my basic mental processes right down. Concentration was impossible: it still is now, to an extent. Focusing on making sentences forming some kind of coherent sense is wearing me out.

Typing really has gone to Hell as well.

Is this really the result of accessing memories I have not previously been comfortable reliving, or indeed discussing? Is there some other mental issue at play? Am I working myself too hard physically and is that causing a knock-on effect? I wish there were answers but really right now it’s a lot of questions, none of which I feel comfortable Googling answers for.

Things however are better than they were yesterday: lots of nosh last night, some displacement activities on my Animal Crossing island… and last night’s sleep record on the Garmin has definitely detected a change in something: normal sleep for me is nothing other than fitful at best after about four hours. Last night therefore is a bit of a revelation.

That massive block of awareness at 5.30am was really bizarre: I was awake, but not in a way that would have been functional. It was almost like being asleep, and my recall of dreams came close to being what I suspect some people would consider as lucid. There is undoubtedly something different and unusual at play.

More news as I work out what the fuck is going on.