Today, I’d like to tell you a story.
My professional life was, up until a point in 2015, very much running in a repeating Circle of Hell. The reasons for this used to be quite difficult to rationalise, but now they have become very simple to explain. I’d been systematically belittled and abused for a long time, and the result of this possessed a complete lack of faith in my own ability to be creative, especially under scrutiny.
It took four years after that to be able to seek the help I needed. For a long time, I assumed I was the problem. That turned out to be a long way from the truth, part of a hugely complex set of personal circumstances that I’d blanked out, because it was simply too painful to cope with. Now, coming out on the other side of this portion of my journey, it is time to return to the moment that started that process.
Entitlement is a dirty and evil noun.
Once upon a time, all I ever wanted was to be accepted in a particular gaming community. The first time I crumbled under public pressure, that whole conceit collapsed in upon me. Being part of a ‘family’ is something I struggle hugely with, even now, especially due to my particular personal circumstances: when the dust settled over the particular incident a schism had opened up that was impossible to ignore.
I realised that many of these people would not change, could not see that they were the problem itself. As reality became inescapable, so many of my decisions were exposed as flawed. As I moved to shift myself out and away, those people who cared for me, regardless of what games I chose to play became apparent. They saw me for the person, not just that blogger who played their favourite game.
Obsession can destroy your entire existence.
That game will have a new Expansion released this year, and for the first time since 2005 I won’t be playing it. I want to say I’m free of the compulsion to play, but that’s not true. It would be hugely easy just to go back to it but if that happened, it would be a massive step backwards in my development as a person. I am aware of the debt of gratitude that is owed to the game, but it’s no longer something I enjoy.
I can’t keep up with the pace of change, have no desire to keep throwing money at a company whose professional decisions have never sat well with me. If I’d wanted to be a part of their Universe enough, I would have made it happen, but in the end they were distraction from this, more righteous path. It took a long time to realise these truths, with enough air between me and the schism. Now I have, I can move on.
Anger is the most dangerous of emotions.
I’ve been trying to work out how to write this post for about three months. It could have gone on my gaming blog, but that space will be quietly shuttered in the next few days.
It is time to finally drop the baggage and move on for good.