I should have some professional news at the end of September. For now, I am forcing myself to rearrange my lifestyle. This is not without its stresses and strains, and the emergent realization that, at almost 56, remaining happy long term really isn’t sustainable. When I menstruated, the depression was magnitudes worse than it is now. I’d sort of hoped that darkness might have gone for good in menopause, but this is me admitting to the room that nope, that’s not true either.
Fortunately, at least right now, there is a PHENOMENAL amount to look forward to, so in that respect alone we have made a LOT of progress since 2009. I’m also a lot better at asking for help. This is me, asking for help right now, you see. Validation’s a hard ask, some days. It’s very easy to tell people what to believe, or what should matter, but it can often be really hard to believe that, even when people do spectacular things for you. My perception of time doesn’t help either.
The biggest single problem in the last few months, undoubtedly, has been self-esteem. The problems never go away. It’s been enough to make me wonder if I should go back to therapy, but then accepted late last week that actually, all the tools that are required for progress are already owned, I don’t need them a second time. It’s believing that’s the bigger issue. There is an emergent realization that, with the best will in the world, this is always going to be a tough ask.
When you don’t think like most people, and you struggle to feel comfortable in complex social situations, and that has ALWAYS been the case, there is only so far you can fix yourself. Once upon a time, there would have been a lot of self-inflicted pain to get to that realization. Fortunately, things have changed.
Undoubtedly, it is getting easier
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