Cinderella Rockefella

The hot sweats are back. This is undoubtedly not good for rational, sensible behaviour. However, I’m not a hysterical woman. Thursday night’s emotional outpouring was, undoubtedly, sadness and fear. It’s like being two seperate people right now: the functioning adult and a scared, incapable child. The thing that joins them both is emotion, or the complete lack of it.

Right now, I am totally numb.

nowaywinterends

There’s no point being angry about anything: these are issues that cannot be changed, intractable variables placed by time and circumstance. What has to happen is for me to move on, and so it seems a good idea to treat all of this right now as grief. Therefore, it is time to establish new routines and make the most of my increased physical resilience. It will make lots of tasks easier going forward.

Being numb has a lot of advantages, especially when it comes to being rational in the face of increasing hormonal instability. The downside, however, is it doesn’t make for sparkling conversation or emotional interest. Right now, there has to be a choice: with only a limited amount of ability and capacity, you do what’s doable. It helps a lot that the comfort eating avenue’s been finally quashed, though.

Happiness should, I hope, come eventually in time.

sosurprised

Except oddly, this is a happy place. It’s not one fuelled by the need to watch Thing A or buy Thing B. If there’s real honesty here, just the process of writing, poetry and stories grants the satisfaction I have craved for a very long time. Going out’s not nearly as much fun as I remember it being, maybe that needs fixing. There are a lot of variables right now that aren’t clearly defined, or indeed describable.

That however is the biggest step forward in terms of personal progression. Writing has granted me the ability to describe how I feel, properly, for the first time in years. This blog post would not have been possible a year ago. That’s where things are in terms of progress. So, yeah, I may not have everything organised or under control but at least that fact can be better communicated than before.

I’ll take that.

Today

Today, especially, this is the truth that matters above everything else. I’ve spent a large portion of my life either being desperately unhappy, or conforming to someone else’s definition of the word. Now, if I’m honest, neither is true. To find true happiness is to accept the faults and shortcomings of yourself and to learn to fix them. Not paper them over with words, or dull them with distractions.

It is hard, HARD work. It makes you cry, and scream and hate your own existence and there are times when you truly wish you’d never existed. Then, in the quiet moments between chaos and enlightenment comes a realisation that if you are really going to live well, it will never be without pain and loss. Once you truly accept these limitations, everything can and will become possible.

If you’re afraid nobody cares, it’s a lie. If you want something enough, the work has to be done, like it or not. That’s where I am right now, in the midst of reconstruction work which is tearing down large portions of my existence in anticipation of major redevelopment. No, it isn’t all going to happen overnight, but it will be finished. When it does, we’ll tear the stuff down that’s no longer for for purpose in that new context.

You don’t ever fix your life. It needs permanent, thoughtful maintenance.

Never forget this.

Breathe

It’s almost been a month with the Health Wearable not owned by Googleย and the benefits of this piece of tech are becoming apparent. For a start, it pairs with the static bike trainer I use for virtual cycling without so much of a complaint. It has a problem with units of measurement at present, but we can fix that without too much pain in post-production. All the important stuff still gets saved.

Then yesterday, after the stress of two submissions back to back, it vibrated and asked me if I’d like to do some focussed breathing exercises to relax. It can tell me how uptight I am in traffic (a lot of late it must be said, after a couple of bad experiences in the last few weeks) and as a result I find myself wondering how to get those numbers down. I like the irony of having to reduce output to gain result.

It ought to bother me more that the answers to so many of my questions have been ‘out here’ for a very long time and I’ve just not known which questions to ask.ย Except that to learn how to be better, one has to also be able to accept what isn’t optimal and then work from there first. To accept knowledge, you have to be prepared to listen and that’s the biggest issue of all. It’s a complex equation based on your willingness to receive.

That’s a fact lost on an awful lot of people right now. Whether it be cultural insensitivity, political affiliation or even spoiling a favourite TV show, there’s a multitude of ways in which we can show just how ignorant and unwilling we truly are. Often you may not even realise it’s happening: in social situations, especially, the truth about prejudice and ignorance can be very hard to hide, ot ignore once seen or heard.

Ultimately, I really want to get better not just at running and weightlifting and writing,ย  but at interaction with other human beings. I want to start conversations that are difficult, and push through issues that make people uncomfortable. There continue to be no easy answers in life, and although once I was happy to live without conflict, I feel this is the moment to change a long-held view.

Education makes everyone better long term. Understanding does, with help and support, build greater tolerance and accommodation. That has to be a better way for everyone. If it means coming out of comfort zones whilst learning something about myself in the process, then so be it. To want something enough, there has to be a part of yourself given as means for progression. I’m gonna do this.

I know at least my health wearable will be looking out for me when I do.

Rednecks

I keep sabotaging my own following stats: it’s ridiculous, if you happen to be the person online thinking that 10k followers suddenly makes you ‘all that’ the LAST THING you wanna do is be picking out the robots. They’re the ones who don’t start petty spats with you, or make sock accounts to taunt your stupidity in unfollowing them. Except, as the idea of being a digital curator becomes increasingly attractive, it has to be done.

What this process also does is hold up to the light those who are following these type of accounts, and whether they themselves are as real as bios and postings would suggest. Of the people following the account I think’s a robot, three I’ve interacted with. The fourth is also posting very much on US time, and therefore I really never get to see them. However, their feed is muted, and so today I unfollowed.

The reason why I muted them is one of the reasons why stuff has to change.

thatsit

It is abundantly apparent that for more and more people, Twitter’s just an adjunct of their promotional material. That’s not why I’m here: it’s a living, breathing writing tool, that is increasingly useful to plug into. That means being able to rely on interaction, and when you’re talking to robots? The responses are not nearly as organic as I’d like. Therefore, it’s time to start being objective over who’s listening.

It will undoubtedly mean that I’ll kop some abuse. That’s not a problem. If I am not confident in my assertions, they don’t get shared online, simple as that. In the Kingdom of Dick Moves, being a dick now and again is clearly more than acceptable behaviour for some, right up until someone else calls out your stupid and you need to justify your actions. I have no problem being comfortable, pointing a finger.

If people were really forced to earn each and every new follower on merit…

dominate

It’s a twat eat dick world out here, people.ย I can be objective, polite and really not give a fuck, all at the same time. Those who know me well understand this is a massive lie to boot and I do care, very deeply about everything. However, when all is said and done, you have rules by which to live. If you cannot be true to yourself, really, what is even the point in the first place?

You can call me arrogant and pushy, but it doesn’t stop my quiet, unswerving desire to make the spaces I inhabit better for everybody, not just the mouthy dicks who think they’re all that.ย If you have nothing to hide, being transparent is a really easy ask. That’s the key: if you’re comfortable and confident with what needs to be done, some random gomer should never derail you from the path.

Once the robots start posting bios, then we really are all in trouble.

Different Class

I am behind, but only notionally. It’s an indicator of progression that I realised this yesterday and have therefore made today a stay at home one, with all the stuff that needs to be done ‘outside’ tackled tomorrow. Assuming I can edit this pamphlet submission to my liking and have that plus another piece ready for husband to look at this evening, everything else is eminently completable.

Much has improved this month, and undoubtedly exercise is at least in part responsible. However, there is a downside, which doesn’t matter so much now when I’m busy, but will really begin to bite when I’m not. After all, part of the wider plan last year was to drag my sorry arse out and become more sociable. It was working very well too, right up until yesterday when everybody appears to have decided they’ve had enough.

I can’t make anyone else like exercise as much as I do right now, that’s not how this works. I also get that these people have lives which are not comparable to mine. Trying to fit everything in becomes an increasingly precarious ask, and as a result it might be time at the end of the month to rethink my exercise position in terms of what is done where. I may well go down to two classes a week instead of three.

The rest therefore can be done on a bike, in the mornings instead of evenings. It occurs to me I need to set a notional goal for February as has been the case in January, and it might be a plan to do so now rather than panic and scrabble about to do so the week before, especially as classes are organised so far in advance. In fact, whilst I’m having that crucial third cuppa, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

Time to move exercise to the next level.

Look Around the Corner

Welcome to the first blog post for several months that was organised the day before.ย It’s rather satisfying to have the ideas and then the chance to pre-plan. It doesn’t happen very often either; that needs to change. We’re in the planning stage :D Today, therefore, I want to talk to you about variations in experience we encounter in our lives and how the perception of that is a really, REALLY big deal.

My discovery of exercise as freedom was not a precise moment to be pinned down and glorified. If truth be told, it happened over a quite long period of time. I’ve referred to certain moments as epiphanic, because they were, but only recently did it become apparent that this has happened with other people too. Key moments that changed their existence had the same, life-altering effects.

Finding faith does not have to be a religious experience.

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Increasingly I am encountering those for whom religion really does matter an awful lot. I try and have the same conversation with them all: when did you know your deity of choice existed within you? Each time, listening to the person involved, the passion and dedication for religious faith that I also possess with exercise is apparent. If they are to respect me and my beliefs, that belief must exist both ways.

I understand the need to respect choice, even if it is counter to my own opinion. What never used to exist before was a grasp of what underpins that: now some does, communicating generally is considerably easier. Mass participative culture only works if you are prepared to accommodate the diversity of those around you. The ignorance that prevents it, wilful or otherwise, is where so many issues now lie.

To become a kinder person, something of yourself has to be sacrificed.

dontlikeyou

There’s a lot of people out there who make a career out of their Difference, whatever that may be. It might be religion, or science fiction, or cross-dressing, perhaps weightlifting… all these things are potentially niche in the modern world. All those spheres of difference have their own hubs, groups, forums, meeting places, celebrities… and if you’re all in the same groups that means at some point people will be outside, looking in, likely being less than kind to your life choices.

When different becomes dangerous of course is twofold: either someone inside your group decides they don’t like another sub-group and attempts to remove them, or society as a whole points a finger and says ‘no, you are now socially unacceptable’ which is where we are now. Would the world be better without all the alt right and alt left extremists, climate change deniers, xenophobes and colonialists..?

Once they were gone… who would be next up?

Is utopia ever possible when humanity is unable to deal with it’s own inequality?

watchingyou

Well, you won’t know until you try.ย The whole process of acceptance and tolerance is not happening when you’re mocking people you think aren’t as good as you are, and a cursory glimpse into my timeline shows that this is happening with increasing frequency. If you keep giving airtime to the idiots, even if it is to show just how fucking stupid they are, that makes you just as bad. No really, it does. If you want to be the person who’s learning in this World of Utter Fucking Stupidity, there are ways and means.

Listening is a good start, thinking more about what you post also helps. After that…? Everybody needs a reason to exist. Maybe, if you’re sitting here and reading this, wondering what exactly is it that I’m supposed to be doing with my life, this day when everyone is supposed to be at their lowest could be the one you choose to try and discover your real self.

The only what you’ll ever know what you could become, is to try.

Enough is Enough

Somebody tweeted some vile sensationalist rhetoric into my timeline this morning under the auspices of ‘comment’ and I was very nearly sick in my breakfast. Other people’s lives are nothing to do with me. The particular story is so far away from personal life and experiences that even talking about it from distance just feels wrong. Speaking as someone who is making a lot of effort not to be confrontational right now… just, no.

Encouraging people to be better is a tough ask. Most don’t really care, especially if it has the potential to disrupt their own lives, and in so many cases things like this could. I made a little speech yesterday to a group of people about how we can try and unlock the door inside people’s minds behind which their true potential lies. It might also be a place that they want to keep very much closed. That was me, until very recently.

Trying to understand how to help people is an even tougher ask.

smokey_cat

There’s a complex set of circumstances that takes place, however, that I am slowly beginning to understand. When you realise that your life is lacking something, this is normally the point where a previously difficult idea or unexpected concept has the most chance of successfully altering your viewpoint. However, the key is not what is presented to you as salvation, but whether you’re prepared to accept it or not.

Nothing will ever change unless you want it to.ย This is the issue I saw other people coming back to yesterday, watched groups discuss and grasp because pretty much everyone else in the room with me had accepted their shortcomings and knew that to ‘get better’ was nobody else’s job but theirs.ย There has to be an acceptance not only of guilt, but culpability. This is undoubtedly the hardest task of all.

This will not sit well with some of what I’m about to be taught in seven days.

stopwhining

Yesterday’s Time to Talk training was Events Management, which with an actual Events Manager on my table was a pretty academic ask. Next week however is the simply-titled ‘Social Contact’ training, required by anyone organising an event with the public if you are a Champion.ย Part of me already knows this is where I’ll struggle. Its where the most work will need to be done.

This is why I’m here, in essence, to learn how to interact with people that frighten me. This is the practice required to be able to become a more effective communicator. It is not easy, and I will struggle: last night I was mentally exhausted.ย It is not just body that needs training and conditioning, when all is said and done. There are other, just as important tasks to be completed.

If one mind’s stubborn door can be unlocked, then this is progress.