The Motor

It’s that moment when you realize that, actually, these people aren’t actually your friends, they are just Mutuals being polite because if they WERE your friends they’d have worked out how fucked you are right now and will have reached out and offered to help. It’s the comprehension that you are running at a different frequency to everybody else: mostly just out of their field of vision, undoubtedly over their range of hearing.

It’s the time to be polite and let people know what’s going on, whilst accepting most of them won’t even fucking notice anyway. Those who do understand that this isn’t like the other times either, she’s not doing it for attention but actually quite the opposite. She doesn’t need you to agree with her any more either. This is not about a fan club. It’s the realization this voice in her head is NEVER going away and that the cadence has existed for a very long time indeed.

It’s all here, like it’s always been for the entirety of my life but only now do I have the physical strength to mentally manage that workload. Six years to get tough enough. Absolutely worth the effort, and it’s not like I’m going to stop here either. The next twenty-four hours is gonna feel like a month, but on the other side is progress. That prolific work rate should have been the red flag a lot sooner, but it’s okay now, we’ve got this. The problem comes when people do actually start listening… but really, after all this time…

Is anyone really that bothered except me?

Inside Out

As I was working in the Gym this morning with my PT, she remarked how I seemed to be thriving right now in my exercise goals. Except, I’m not. This is me, coping. It’s hard work, and I am always tired and progress is just the next thing I can do without having to spend all my time thinking about it, and therefore wearing myself out even further. It’s an interesting observation, that on the outside I look assured but on the inside, it’s actually a mess.

I’m also writing a selection of mental health poetry for Patreon, and this morning a poet of some note remarked how my choice of titles was far more optimistic than she herself would have considered, and now I’m absolutely positive there is a disconnect at work between how I see the world and how the world sees me. This is going to make for an interesting conversation with the mental health people on Thursday.

This week is one to watch, people.

Believe

I am growing tired of those who have decided Twitter is a Hellsite. It is simply a reflection of the people who use it, and their petty, empty lives where they can feel important and special because they believe they are destroying others when their own existence has no real meaning or significance. This kind of person has existed for thousands of years: the Bible told of those who were selfish and thoughtless, for whom sin was never just coveting their neighbour’s wife. Humanity has been evolving over thousands of years and these people are finally in danger of extinction, but will not leave without a fight.

This is not a Hellsite. It is the realization that life is changing faster than many people can cope with. It is forcing evolutionary change at a speed the majority will not be able to match. Those who condemn the horror and terror do not understand that this is how evolution has always taken place. Those who attempt to ignore and censure history will not win, because there are those whose knowledge can never be diminished. In the end, those who give their love freely and without fear will be the true benefactors of the future.

What matters now, more than anything else, is the avoidance of ecological calamity.

If that can be addressed, trust me, everything else falls into place.

Who Am I Now?

I do not know, not for certain. Before I could have given you a decent idea of what it meant, not now when so many things are so delicate they could disintegrate, dry enough to spontaneously combust. Three days into the changes to work and output, it all looks pretty doable, but there’s only so much that can be achieved when you’re not really confident of what supports the change.

Trying to write about yourself when you’ve drained a lot of that away using video is also a significant ask. I was overreaching when the mental health newsletter started. It’s impossible to be the spokesperson when you’re not confident of the speech to begin with. Right now therefore we’ll be adopting a holding pattern and playing a phenomenal amount of Solitaire. There’s not even the space available to game properly right now.

If you’re reading this right now, come find me on Twitter please and give me a hug. Thank you.

Praying for Time

Those of you paying attention will notice I had a week off. I can’t do this full on any more, and knowing why is half the battle, and that’s the reason we have an assessment with a mental health professional in two weeks. Deep down, I’m pretty sure I know what the problem is. This time, someone else can come to that conclusion as well, and once it’s done, we can get on with coping.

As a result, a lot of stuff will alter starting today. I needed a week to get my head around everything as a result, and actually its gone very well. I also give blood for the first time in a while today, so that means taking it easy tomorrow, which is useful because I have planned a fucktonne of stuff to get through. There’s an Open Mic this week, and I’m helping out some final year University students in town with a project, so it’s not like I don’t have anything else to do with my time.

Needless to say, if you notice a change, I’m doing it right.

Friday

We made it to Friday again. WELL DONE EVERYBODY.

There is major upheaval coming, and I am ready. In every life there must be change, after all, and at least by knowing well in advance there is no excuse to go into things unprepared. It will require some serious organizational acumen too. I reckon I’m up to the task.

We’ve been at the #Instaverse for a month, and nothing will be the same again.

Thank fuck for that.

Embarrassment

It’s good to know absolutely nothing has changed for certain people in Lockdown. I have form with the woman mentioned in this Thread, and possess a far longer memory than she clearly does. I’ll have my revenge, but for now it’s more important doing the work than it is complaining about the surroundings. You can’t have everything, after all.

Yet again, the Patreon course is the gift that keeps on giving. I wanted summat inspirational, and as non-cheesy as possible and this is perfect. Plus it’s comprehensive proof I’m not the Product. You have to turn up and do the work with me going forward. That’s the plan. Gonna be interesting to see how many more people do that, but two new Patrons this month is indeed a start.

Also, I am INSANELY proud of this idea. No, really, the best thing I’ve made for I do not know how long.

You don’t just have to have one job.

Banana Republic

I’ve never been a Royalist. If they try and give me an award, at any point, I will turn it down. I don’t need a bunch of regal people telling me they think I’m good enough. If it ever got to that stage, other people’s validation will be more than enough, thank you very much. I’m also mightily annoyed the National Broadcaster is acting as if it’s State Media as well. Seriously, this is not 1953. Give it a rest, guys.

Lots to do, but for now I’ll be over here celebrating the fact I didn’t fuck up my body over Lockdown.

Waves

I’m not on Twitter today.

Back in the days when I was a Warcraft player, we had a Scandinavian tank called Than. He was an ex-Army officer, and one of the most capable people ever played with during the entirety of my time in Azeroth. I learnt a phenomenal amount from him, including the importance of principle in being the best human being you could manage, within your time and circumstance.

One day, shortly after we’d managed to beat Karazhan in the Burning Crusade, he left. No goodbyes, no warning and that was it. He’d mentioned this to me a few weeks previously, that sometimes the best way to move on is to just cut the cord and vanish, and I am reminded of him this morning for that reason alone. He needed to move on with his life. The game, as had been the case for so many people, was a distraction.

It was preventing him from what needed to happen more than playing.

Someone has emailed me this morning and called me an idiot for sticking to principle. ‘The only person who loses by you not being on Twitter is you: its your advertising platform, why boycott it?’ There will be absolutely no discernable effect of my action, and I’ll look like an idiot. Once upon a time, I would have believed this, until the concept registered that when someone else is offended by your actions, that’s their issue and not yours. The fact remains: if everyone moved as a unit, Twitter would be affected. The fact they won’t is the bigger issue now.

Those people responsible for abuse on Twitter are protected because their use as product now supersedes the trouble they cause with abuse. The onus is placed on victims to do the work, exactly as it is in reality, and this is how the patriarchy maintain their superiority. It’s how they ignore systematic racism, try and erase transgender rights and visibility, and maintain a status quo that is no longer fit for purpose. I used lots of words that will scare my e-mail creator for a reason. If, as a man, you’re not supporting feminism right now, you are part of the problem.

Sticking to my principles is more important than appeasing those only interested in what they want from me.

This week, I worked out who I am. Of course, I knew who I was before this point, but the crucial difference between Monday and now is the understanding that not only is this the right path, but I’ve already passed my original destination. What’s happening now is the path to success, and that means that the people on Twitter who are impressed at what I’ve done, and who are the ones I really need listening to me have already taken notice. What I’ve gained this week is the ability to see myself objectively for the first time in over thirty years.

There are other people boycotting today. They, undoubtedly will be disappointed at the number of people unable to disconnect from social media. I believe this shows that mental health issues right now matter more than sacrificing the ability to communicate, and that’s a crucial point that will be overlooked by many people. I’m on it. There is a plan and I intend to see if a difference can be made because of it. Having a day away from distraction has cleared my mind and helped me focus on the task in hand.

My principles have become the means by which I move my life forward.

In the end, its what you do that defines your life. That means doing what’s right, and this is.

Stuck in the Middle with You

The dentistry is done, but I am mentally fried. Stress does different things to people, for me there’s this rapid inability to be capable of anything except middle-distance staring and comfort eating. Right now both are largely under control, but a lot is left of the day to work with. Praise the Deities for more PopChips Corn Chips, is all I’m saying.

This afternoon I’ll attempt to get to grips with the next part of my Free Marketing Course Journey. Before that I need to write thank you letters to the three ladies that I worked with yesterday who were all unbelievably kind, and who are all light years ahead of me in terms of achievement and personal progress. Instead of letting Imposter Syndrome consume me, I’m going to try and get constructive results from what I have.

If I get through today intact, I will be happy.