Where Do I Begin?

Youngest had COVID, and we were worried. I’ve spent basically a month chasing Sky to get a Glass. There’s 35k of a NaNoWriMo written and a couple of fairly significant mental health wobbles negotiated. I missed writing, but I needed exercise more, mostly as the means to keep me sane. Starting tomorrow therefore, a rearrangement of priorities is in order, because there needs to be more writing that’s not on social media, and more for mental health. I’m applying for jobs. This is the way forward, like it or not.

I feel let down a lot by other people. October was the birthday month that made me realize that, like it or not, other people don’t care as much as I’d like them to. Many of those who stuck with me through this period I will never successfully ever be able to thank. There are a lot of others I’d like to set fires under too, but revenge is no use to anyone, when all is said and done. It’s a romantic notion, but all that energy expended is better placed in constructive progress, and that’s what we’re doing.

My future is in video, coffee and learning to back the right people.

And So It Goes

Well, here we are, on a very Autumnal Saturday afternoon, and the will to write like this has returned. In fairness, it has been kickstarted by a couple of events, including a Best of the Net nomination and the restart of the Twitter Newsletter. Mostly however, I do miss this form of communication. There’s a lot to talk about right now anyway.

A LOT is going on. I submitted last month to a whopping TWELVE places, one of which has already been accepted, another rejected, so a 50% success rate for the month is the level we’re hoping to maintain. I don’t hold that high hope for a mass of success, but the quality of work is absolutely improving. That is an undoubted, stone-cold fact. In that regard, therefore, we are absolutely progressing.

Yeah, there’s a lot to say. I hope this continues.

Don’t you Forget about Me

I haven’t, there’s just a LOT on, and I haven’t taken a picture either in over a fortnight, so don’t start about that either. Well, that’s not strictly true.

The end is coming. I expect some clear air at the weekend.

The Day Before You Came

I’ve had two journal acceptances over the last seven days. The good work is beginning to kick in, such as it is, and there are some important lessons to be learned from how work is edited and what will and will not work as content. As a result, this is literally the first opportunity that has existed to sit down and write a blog. I am exhausted.

There will be no letup to this: I am in Zoom meetings for learning/content/assessment/progression until Christmas. There needs to be the means of decompressing mentally as well as physically. As a result, I am attempting to be more flexible than previously. There also needs to be specific, mentally-targetted rest periods factored in.

Therefore, tomorrow is a VERY long walk and photos.

White Knight

I should have been referred today for an Adult ASD diagnosis. The doctor has all the paperwork, I’ve provided a personal referral statement. As he refused to see me in person, I have no idea of his veracity at this point. We’ll see how it goes, but I have done all that could be done, and as a result am mentally exhausted.

Everything else has gone extraordinarily well this week, including having massive progress on the house.

Normal posting, such as it remains, will return again on Monday.

Respect

I’m pretty certain a food allergy wiped me out on Thursday night/Friday morning, so took a day off after 12 days of exercise on the trot having come to the conclusion that it’s really not viable to be that person without a notional change in approach. Regardless of this 10km happened yesterday and now there is a need to arrange myself, so that’s a regular, weekend thing, which means far better shoes as a priority.

It appears there’s still a weekend in the Lake District possible in September too, but honestly how well that goes will depend on the building site. Travelling for four hours and sleeping in an unfamiliar bed is great if there’s at least two days to adjust. Really, dunno if that’s a thing that will happen or whether Dad will go on his own because he just manages, and I don’t.

This week is my referral assessment. I need to go take my forms back to the Doctor, and see if my appointment is in person or telephone. As it’s timed, it could go either way.

And So It Goes

I’m going on holiday tomorrow: not anywhere away from here, but pretending not to work for two weeks. It will be a break, however, which is the more important point. Today, something happened that is worth remembering from a personal PoV. There’s a surprising amount of context that goes with it.

In my life, I’ve been the person a couple of people have turned to when they have lost a parent. It’s odd, because that depth of connection is something I have never experienced. The truth of this realization came up again this week in a different context: I love lots of people now, and that love is given freely, without fear of consequence. Only now does it properly register what it must mean when someone doesn’t love you back.

Helping people is really important to me, and it’s not often I’ll open myself up to that because there’s proper comprehension of what matters when you lose someone you really care about. I understand this not because of my own life, but thanks to the generosity of others. I can grieve too, could never before.

This was a learned skill, not one that is ingrained. I didn’t bond immediately with my son, but when it happened with my daughter, PND was the result, because finally I was genuinely afraid of not being capable of the love required to support both of them, and then my husband. So many things revolved around the transactional nature of those relationships.

Someone today told me that friendship for them is not transactional. I wasn’t built that way, need to see the ebb and flow of the emotional exchanges to understand what is going on, to comprehend their significance. For me, it is all about the obvious, because for so long there was never real importance placed on that tacit understanding so many people just experience as normal life. I don’t have this, and this is where a lot of personal interaction falls down.

I was also told I blame myself for a lot, which is the peculiar nature of my trauma experience, but crucially this is not the reason why I know some relationships I have been involved with would only ever end up as temporary and not permanent. What I want from relationships is often what other people are uncomfortable giving, because it really is all or nothing. I don’t have enough time left to do anything else.

Someone also told me this week that my biggest strength is my authenticity, and for the first time in a very long time I actually believe that. If this were 100 years ago, I’d be sitting here trying hard not to be overwhelmed by the portents. Fate has sent me some fucking huge signals in the last seven days. Things are changing for the better. Life is rearranging itself around me, and as that happens, there will be consequence to consider.

Sometimes, it isn’t just you that’s altering either, though if you’re a good person you’ll always check you didn’t fuck something up when you see something out of the ordinary. The people who know I’ll worry when stuff changes have learnt to let me know, to help me cope. They’ll help me understand them, especially when the signals are hard to decrypt.

In the end however, however hard you try, sometimes people grow apart.

Today

I am slowly adjusting back to what will be Normal, once all the chaos in my personal life comes to an end, which is probably happening some time in early October. For now, when I have stuff to write here it will, inevitably, be because none of the other places I’m currently operating in, suit my needs the way this place does.

A lot is changing, but if you follow me elsewhere, you’ll know that anyway. For now, I suppose I’m on something of a blog hiatus. It all starts again properly in September, and I’ll actually be taking holiday, such as it is. Needless to say, it is very much required and quite keenly anticipated.

Otherwise, things are okay.

Yesterday

It’s taken me just over a month to get to see a Doctor, who then asked me why I’d not come to see him sooner, at which I burst into tears and explained to him that his own fucking staff are the problem. They asked me if I’d like to fill in a complaint form, at which I replied there was no point, because if it took that long to get here, I’d probably be waiting a year for an apology. The NHS might be great, but it is really very broken. Some of it is bad management, but occasionally some of it is people.

I need to record some audio tonight, and to do that I need to have actual poetry to read. I will make a script.

Then, after that, it is time to address the backlog.

Regeneration

For the longest time, all I’ve ever really wanted to do is throw everything away and start again.

The practicalities of this have always eluded me, but now it’s become an actual reality, and as existence begins to warp its way around me and the new world forms, this is a better place for so many reasons. Of course, it’s still filled with terrible, hateful people who only care about themselves, but that has ALWAYS been the case and will continue to be so for the rest of my time alive. The difference now is they can no longer alter my trajectory.

I finally gained enough momentum to escape the gravity of my own darkness.

Slowly, things are improving. Every share, every interaction, each new conversation. They all add to the pile. I get to be better. The muscles get stronger, the fat diminishes. I’m more awake, even when mentally there’s nothing left in the tank. If you asked me a year ago if I could fast until midday every day, I’d have laughed at you and then thrown an empty teacup at the wall. Now, I drink a lot of water, and other people buy me emergency chocolate.

This is a good place to be right now, even with the terror of real life as accompaniment.

It’s been a touch week, but the escape cannot be stopped.

On my way now, everybody.