I ran out of space in my Stress Bucket on Wednesday morning. Hang on, what’s a Stress Bucket?
I picked this off t’Interwebs because it’s the best example of what details will play on your bucket’s capacity. It also asks you to identify the areas where stress inhabits or comes from and how that will then ‘fill’ the container, the size of which can also change based on your vulnerability. The plan, always, is never to allow stress to overfull the bucket. If you get to that point, it’s time to step back, and I let the blog go for two scheduled days I had planned because, in the end, writing about being stressed has been identified as an unhelpful response.
A good night’s sleep and some quality de-stressing last night has pulled be back down to where coping skills are managing the stress successfully. This afternoon therefore I’m going to not worry about anything else except doing my best to completely empty the bucket, so when we start again on Monday, I possess the most space possible. That will mean lifting some weights this afternoon, and doing some cycling this evening. After all that? I just have to hope the Universe maybe cuts me a break next week.
I should have done this yesterday, but there is a LOT on right now and honestly, this is easier. I thought about time-shifting it back too, but today it’s better to reflect back on yesterday than pretend that this WAS yesterday :D I’ve made some fairly significant weightlifting progress, and the difference between old me and NEW ME (intentional caps) is quite significant. It isn’t just the weight, but it’s how my body reacts to fatigue that is interesting.
I achieved this new weight thanks to a pyramid set yesterday, and at the end fatigued in the way I’m used to when warming up: my lungs literally need time to get comfortable first thing into any exercise. Once I have my heart rate up and running, a lot of stuff becomes quite easy (as demonstrated by the run last week) but it’s that effort to get there which is tough. In the final 12 reps, body told me to stop at six, and there was literal gasping for air.
Once upon a time, after that level of work, I’d stagger home: yesterday the tiredness was apparent in my limbs, but I could still function. Of course, this could be as a result of the second COVID jab too, but honestly I think this is me, getting fitter, and having simultaneously to learn how to deal with the changes that brings… because there is change, and I do need to find the means to accommodate it in a way that is easily digestible to my brain.
Anyway, today is HIIT, as has now become the trend twice a week, and I could not be happier.
This is the only blog I’ll write today: I should have done something on Wednesday but, to be honest, this week has gotten away from me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been immense, but simultaneously anger-inducing. All this will pass, as is always the case, and we’ll be back on the shit from Monday…
I am still recovering from Wednesday: the blister on my foot is now down to an acceptable level of pain, I have received a largely predictable response from the Doctors with reference to my pursuit of a particular diagnosis, and will be gearing up to attack the problem again, with the correct tools at my disposal. Major life changes begin on Monday. It’s all go here, and the goal remains to thrive, which I am.
It had to be said, I KNOW I’d said I was done, but there are still loose ends being found and tidied up. I’m also largely having to plan on the fly as it’s a Bank Holiday, and training this morning has effectively wiped me out. However, because it is all easier, that’s what’s happened. Plan B is in place. I am ready to readjust. Also, I unexpectedly got a bonus today, and am hugely grateful for it.
I’d like to think the world is changing. Let’s see.
The plan was to shut down the personal account after the last part of my short story was posted. I’m not waiting until 5pm tomorrow to do this. It’ll happen at 5.15 today. There is really no point in stringing this out any further than necessary. I can’t move on being held back, and looking at what’s happened since this change was implemented? This is the way. It will also encourage me to finally get up to date with the website faffing as well.
The more I realize that many, many people weren’t listening at all, the more important it becomes to cut the chord. My perception of the reality that life was a part of is not necessarily broken, but it is undoubtedly flawed. Mostly I need to stop talking about it and move on, but it’s apparent that this is grief that I’m going through, that after years of using the place as inspiration before everything just dried up, my emotional attachment was far more complex than was at first the case.
I am embarrassed and slightly concerned over just how often I switch browsers. I’ve become used to checking two social media presences, to the point where it has become a habit that needs to be broken. Instead, I have set the second browser’s leading tab to my work website, which is in need of a fair bit of work in the next few days, in the hope that when I do it as an impulse, it’ll automatically push me into beginning something constructive.
There’s also a minor triumph this morning that something which was worth absolutely nothing to me on Monday will now provide an unexpected financial bonus. It’s making me think that perhaps I could sell some more stuff going forward, if I can find space in my brain to accommodate the process. It is certainly worth some thought.
It took me a while to work out why I couldn’t share a Tweet from my personal account any more: it’s because I’ve locked it. It won’t exist on Monday anyway: I finally cut the chord and have decided to shut it down. I know I’ll lose over 2500 followers but honestly, when I interact with probably 150 of those on a regular basis (and nearly 100 have followed me to the new account) it’s not a loss. The people paying attention know I’m off, and I’ve messaged the rest.
It’s the necessary next step in personal evolution.
Yes, there will inevitably be casualties, but this is the moment to grasp that if this matters enough to people, they’ll come and find me. I cannot keep track of everything, and never could really with two ‘main’ accounts on the go simultaneously so, in the end, it was easier to make the choice. It’s not a personal sleight that I’ve ignored or forgotten people, and I hope they’ll understand that. Some will undoubtedly not understand why I’d trash a following on principle.
Those people I’m probably better off not following any more anyway.
Needless to say, starting on the first, an awful lot of stuff is gone for good.
Starting next week, we have building work. We expect it to last at least five months. This is already hugely traumatic for me, and we’ve not even started yet. However, it does explain why, in all these years, we’ve stayed in the same place. Moving would have destroyed me mentally, several times over. For now, packing stuff away is only possible in bursts, but when the urge is there, it is taken with enthusiasm. Lots has vanished this weekend. I’m selling some stuff I thought I’d end up skipping. That’s lovely.
Expect a LOT of photography in the next few months.
What I am has been different for most of my adult life. I have moved around extensively, and have altered undoubtedly as a result of understanding what I really am. That journey should, theoretically, never end, until I die. The point is to not be the same person if that is having a negative impact on anything and anyone else, and I can write that and then realize some people will assume it means one thing, when really the opposite is true. The reality of existence is to find your own space and thrive within it. When you struggle to fit the norms, what is the thrive plan going forward?
Well, that’s relatively easy. You’ll find the people who understand and care, you’ll seek out safe spaces in which that can happen, and when it becomes necessary to live in other places which don’t ‘get’ what you are, you can become very adept at camouflage. Except that is not the way it should be. Me being bisexual should not ruin the quality of anybody’s life, but amazingly it has. It has had a negative impact, and will continue to do so, because by not being normal, I am a threat to those who see this as power they cannot control or dictate.
However, these threat levels are nothing compared with my trans mates, who would just like to be allowed to exist but who are right now being hunted, derided and attacked. It’s not fair, and it’s not acceptable, and this is the beginning of a period of our existence as human beings that will define whether we survive as a race or not. History is unblinking and unerring, and will look at this time as the one where it either began to be a societal norm, or it was when it was outlawed. I’m not happy about it, but reckon we could still go either way.
That’s why its up to me now to start making a fuss about a lot of things: disability and accessibility, allowing true freedom of expression, weaning people off commercialism and back to the days where alive meant you just did your own thing and nobody else got in your fucking business. Of course, the rich people are gonna still want your money, but if you can make better, informed choices over what that actually means, that would be helpful. Mostly this is about being true to an authentic self, which is what matters more than anything else in the end.
My daughter’s listening to a lot of songs about death right now, as I did at her age, wrestling with the reality that nobody is ever likely to remember you unless you were the one who made things either massively better or hugely worse for everybody else. I know which side of that history I intend to be on, and we’ll keep plugging away at it until people pull their heads out of their arses and stop saying ‘but I can’t do that, it’s too hard.’ Living and thriving in a World that marks you a freak is HARD, fighting your own brain every day is HARD, please don’t tell me you are struggling when the biggest issue you have is not being able to go on holiday or do ‘normal’ things.
Except they do, and that noise is stopping the real work for taking place. It’s up to me to deal with that, and I will.
I see you people, and know you are part of the problem.