A lot has happened in the last week. One thing that has become apparent, and obvious, is that my ability to art is back. It’s not just the abstract, either: a desire to line draw is emerging too. We’ll see if that sticks over the next few months, but what is apparent is that the tyranny of content needs a do-over. I’m not sure how it gets fixed, but this has been a problem for a lot longer than just Lockdown. I think a lot of it is responsibility and the feeling that if I’m not doing *something* I’m not being productive, which is clearly not the case.
Right now, we’re starting small and working from there.
An hour after finish, it must be said I am in a better state than yesterday. However, fact remains it is oddly surreal how people with no mental health issues are taught to deal with those who have. Also, having been ‘trained’ a fair bit across the Pandemic, it is becoming increasingly apparent who the Good Guys are. My trainer’s fucking heroic.
This is the lightest I have been mentally for probably fifteen years. It has a lot to do with not playing a particular game on release, I realised yesterday, that the tyranny of being part of something no longer wanted has finally been put to rest. After that, it’s stepping away from an obsessive need to create, because it was, as a coping mechanism.
There is now acceptance there needs to be a game to fill that gap, that I miss playing generally, because that was another coping mechanism. There is also absolutely the understanding there needs to be more friends too. How all this stuff is fixed remains a largely nebulous concept, because you can’t have all the answers instantly and that’s the point.
It is a VERY long time since something consumed me with this voracity. It doesn’t matter either how good (or bad) it is because the story is what matters, above everything else, and we are coming to the end. Now I’m technically done, I’m gonna convert this to a PDF and send it to my tablet, read it over the weekend and work out where stuff needs to be added.
A lot has gone down this week, most of it good. I made a decision last night that, if it works, will finally get me to the place I want to be physically after quite a fair bit of hard work, and a couple of work-related changes have also given pause for considerable reflection. Once I’ve done this I’m going to go and delist a video; a second one will get done tomorrow and not today.
We’ll be back to a semi-normal schedule once NaNo is done.
This is the longest blog break here for a while. I’d like to explain why.
If all I had to do was be more organized, this would be easy. The fact remains there is a lot more to my evolutionary step this time than just writing more lists. I have a body to properly alter, rather than just the (often) token efforts that have been made thus far. Lockdown 2.0 came at a bad time for me. I refuse to lose my progress. Therefore, there’s a lot of hard work to do.
The NaNo has literally written itself. I have my next novel project organized, which is unheard of. Next week I need to look to start editing an existing work too. I’ve not done with poetry, far from it, but right now the storytelling matters more, so that is what I am focussing on. There have been domestic issues too, that have mattered more than being here or using this as routine. Right now, that is NaNo.
I won’t Shonk again this week, the audio’s now out of date, such is the speed that the world works, so we’ll sort it for next week instead. That’s a lot of the problem right now, I am not a fast mover, which is no more apparent than at present. However, with the benefit of a CRACKING night’s sleep… it is true that I need to work more physically to wear me out.
NaNo continues to write itself. I also have absolutely zero desire to do anything related to submission at all, right now. This won’t last but really, truthfully, we are not out of the woods yet, and there is a lot that could go horribly wrong by the end of the year. Eyes on the prize, people, which is not winning, but changing everything so it is better. Winning is a construct, never forget this.
Mostly I am here, healing. That’s what I’m doing. Moving onwards, forwards, with purpose and determination. Words must be written.
Taking the weekend off is becoming more and more beneficial.
This week, I will be mostly organising the bits of my life you don’t see. I spent a day doing that yesterday and, all told, it went very well indeed. There will be the normal selection of random wibbling, but the more serious stuff will now be saved for YouTube, because this is the future, like it or not and I need to be organised.
I won’t be writing Tuesdays and Thursdays either, going forward, that’s my Work Blog days, so that the entire writing experience is sensibly rationalised. This way, nobody loses, and I don’t get overwhelmed.