Lies My Parents Told Me

Yesterday, probably for the first time in over a decade, I possessed the means by which my life could be improved without support. After a while all the good words, encouragement and therapy in the world is not a substitute for just getting up, looking at a problem and (however tired you might happen to be) then solving it. Sitting here now, having been up for an hour and a bit, it is apparent that the real business of living somehow got diverted through distraction and panic. Not having confidence in yourself’s a terrible thing, but pretending that’s the case is a worse crime.

Time to have a wash, clean teeth, and set to the issues at hand.

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Stopping NaNoWriMo’s absolutely the best thing that was done in the week. I don’t want to think right now about anything except rearranging my life, and that is not something that can be done over a damp November weekend. As this is long-term alteration, it’ll take a fair while, but the starting signs are very encouraging. The new phone (and liberation from iTunes/Mac tyranny) is already encouraging. However, I need to find a new home for my music, plus new interface that is acceptable.

Then there is planning what happens next: using Google as file management, clearing out old photos, rearranging music locations… and the list goes on. Most people, undoubtedly, would consider this a bit depressing and pointless, that life can be better served not worrying about such stuff. However, I need to know how it works, where everything lies, and how one is able to organise it all. That’s meat and drink to this brain. If I know how to do it, then it can be taught to others…

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Right then, better get started.

Love Hurts

I hate Blaze. There, said it. There is no enjoyment in this exercise class, no satisfaction in completion. It’s not the experience that they’re selling it as. In effect, for 45 minutes a week, I’m sticking myself through mental torture. Last night, after being sick in the gym Car Park, there were less tears than last time. Assuming that each week there’s decreasing stress, we’ll keep doing it.

The physical benefits of this exercise form are now largely irrelevant.

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This is hard to explain, but I have to keep going. Most people would simply stop the stuff they don’t like, walk away and not go back. That would seem the most sensible and rational course of action. That can’t happen any more. It is too late in my life to keep turning down the things that seem too hard or complex. My brain needs to grasp why it matters to overcome these obstacles.

Enjoyment is not why this class was taken. This is not about proving I can either: the only person who needs convincing of capability is myself. This has evolved from a simple idea into something far more psychologically important. All those times stuff was given up and wasn’t kept going, every moment something was trashed because I didn’t feel good enough are all queuing up as a reminder. There is a goal you have not yet reached.

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At the end of each class, everybody gets together and does one of those ‘all hands in the middle well done you did good’ things. Thus far, there’s not been nearly enough of a decent performance to warrant being a part of that huddle. It is not right or correct for me to say the job has been completed, because it hasn’t. I can’t run up inclines like everybody else, but will be able to, eventually. It will take time and effort, but that is possible.

It is all possible, if time is taken to get fitness up to a level that the rest of these people possess. Sitting here now, writing this, there are tears not because this is frustrating or anger inducing, but because attempting to unlock years of suppressed sadness and unhappiness really is hard on body and mind. Trying to explain this remains incredibly tough. Doing that in a class of strangers is impossible.

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This week, yet again, it was suggested online that my attitude to certain situation smacks of victim blaming. I’ve been a victim, and am tired of not feeling in control. My means of dealing with that undoubtedly will not make a lot of people happy. I am sure some will consider this approach not only less than optimal, but quite possibly completely contrary to what would be considered as ‘correct.’

Nobody is telling you how to live your life. This is not medical advice. This blog is not authorised to dispense wisdom. Should you choose to ascribe to these lifestyle choices they will be painful, difficult and throw you into a measure of mental chaos. The result however continues to provide multiple positive effects, and a continued strength and belief in self-ability. NOT EVERYBODY IS THE SAME.

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Finding people who understand is tough, but it is getting easier. Being able to explain the issues helps, and then there’s the continued benefits of fitness on mind and body. In the end, we’ll just keep doing this class until it becomes habit, and maybe then it’ll become fun. For now, the pain and anxiety is part of what was signed up for. To overcome my fears brings greater strength and depth to a soul that has been overlooked for far too long.

Next week is already booked. Lets’ see if we can not cry at all for the entire evening…

New Frontier

Right then. We have an appointment for two weeks time to get the last bit of my hair that remains not white to become so. Then, it might be time to start taking a bit more care with appearance. I’ll keep cycling, and doing PT, and exercising. We have a schedule.

I’ve replaced my failed Mac Mini with a discounted late 2014 model, thus saving a ton of cash and allowing me to continue my plans of World Domination. Next up is clearing off all the unwanted crap from my online life and rebooting certain areas.

Then, after THAT, we’re gonna begin reorganising the house, a room at a time.

This article will have a significant effect on a number of decisions made going forward. Primarily, knowing when to say NO has freed up the rest of the month to get my act together, and alter trajectory going forward. This is a VERY good thing.

I’ve managed four days of cycling in a row. Tonight I Blaze, then it’s one more night on Friday before I get a day off. Last night I was shattered, and fell off bike and into bed. It was an important corner turned. This is progress.

Lots of things are changing for the better.

Do I Do

WordPress have introduced an upgrade to their editing pane. Whether I like this or not remains to be seen: a user can still edit raw HTML, so that’s fine, and we’ll see how it goes as time goes on. However, I’m not here to complain about change [inevitable, unstoppable] but how I react to it. Right, how does one stick a horizontal rule in now…?

[EDIT: The new Editor won’t let me specify Twitter posting options. Until it does? We’ll stick with actual flexibility and not showy cleverness :D]


Witness the Fitness

I weighed myself yesterday on the home scales, which has not happened since mid-October. Part of the plan was to get myself out of the daily habit of micromanaging rise and fall, and that’s worked really well. In 25 days, I’ve lost no weight. I’ve not gained any either, which should be the bigger takeaway, but what has happened is a fairly drastic alteration of body shape.

So, tomorrow I’m gonna go do the bio-metric weight scale at the Gym, which will show a weight gain, as there is considerably more muscle than fat on me right now. The problem, going forward, is how the latter gets shifted from areas it has been stuck to for the last 18 years. The current health regime will have an effect, it already is. I haven’t ached this much for at least a year.

Five times a week on the bike as well as PT was doable for a few months last year before the arm was injured and it all fell apart. HOPEFULLY the same problem won’t present this year, though there have been a number of unexpected aches and trapped nerves as muscles grow beyond their normal dimensions. The key of course, is to make sure there is rest (Saturdays has no exercise at all, I’ll probably skip Gym training Tuesdays too after PT which now happens on Monday.

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Time to stop typing and get on with it, then.

Dead Calm

RIP my Mac Mini, late year model which, after many, MANY hours of sterling service has become a rather lovely paperweight or table stand. Fortunately, there’s a replacement on the way with everything backed up. I’ve also bitten the bullet and factory reset my phone, which reminded me it is high time I sorted life out and dumped it for good. Therefore, after some faffing, I have a Huawei Mate 20 Pro coming from my mobile  provider which is currently cheaper than my current contract.

The photographer in me will finally have a decent camera to play with.

Also, today was the day when none of the actual work I wanted to do was completed but a whole lot of other stuff was settled. It’s a fairly massive plan, which is gonna be done on as little money as possible. The final upside is that I can design my own custom-made desk. It will double my storage space here, and finally allow the background required to start doing video diaries. That’s the long term plan, but to get there first is a lot of other work.

The point however is, that after a decade, I am finally moving on from the period of my life that almost killed me.

Games Without Frontiers

I’m getting tired of this. It happens everywhere. People are lazy, and especially when online if you want attention, honestly doesn’t work. The way to get your Tweet noticed is to make it more controversial than it really is. As it happens, this article’s quite interesting: people are challenging convention. You don’t need to have all your limbs or look like an athlete to be a personal trainer. It doesn’t matter about your religion or your dress size. That’s far less dehumanising than leading with ‘fat people’ but hey, whoever was scheduling the weekend tweets for The Guardian’s clearly past caring.

This shit should matter, and it never does.

Last night, someone tweeted this into my timeline. Now it’s been deleted, I have to tell you that the person running the I L0VE the 80’s account clearly got a bit annoyed about last night’s Doctor Who (which was set during the partition of India in the 1940’s) and decided to make his own comment using a picture of Tom Baker. ‘His’ Doctor, he told us, would fight Cybermen and Daleks, and not social justice issues. The responses that followed were, it must be said, not unsurprising, and came from both sides of the current spectrum of reaction to a woman, doing a traditionally man’s job.

This however, wasn’t controversy. I genuinely believe this was anger in response to the alteration of an institution that’s remained staunchly male for over 50 years. This wasn’t in an attempt to generate interest for the account either, it was using a platform that has 196k followers to make a political statement.  I suspect the reactions that were garnered were enough to make him delete the tweet. They were certainly enough for him to block a number of respondees. It is perfectly acceptable to hold a differing opinion to others, but if you choose to share it? Yes, there will be consequences.

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Everybody posts stuff they regret, it is a symptom of modern life, and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve done the same. However, that doesn’t happen now (except for the occasional typo correction when I’m using a Tweet to start a Thread or as a daily entry to a Thread.) I will no longer get involved in arguments before there’s been at least one cup of tea consumed, and often I just won’t bother at all. Undoubtedly, the best lesson ever learnt in the last seven years is knowing when to keep my mouth shut. Both of these things yesterday were commented on, because this is the kind of shit nobody needs and is of no help long term.

Most of the problems in the World could be solved with better communication, and yet people still don’t think beyond the sensational or confrontational to make their points. It’s not hard to be smart.

Really, you don’t have to show the World how you feel all the time.

Airbag

This morning, for the first time in memory, I said what needed to come out of my brain in the exact right order, and with totally the correct cadence. This is of course patently untrue, there will have been countless times before when this took place. The crucial difference between those and here is that, after an extremely long period of being mentally uncertain of what is right and wrong, the dice have begun to consistently fall in my favour.

I went out yesterday, and although you could not call have considered me sparkling company, there was participation, interaction and only one fuck up. It was, all things considered, exactly what was needed after a week which culminated in total sensory disconnection. Lying in bed on Friday night, I was numb. It’s still a bit intermittent today, truth be told, but a definite improvement from where things were. The only casualty, such as it is, has been my NaNoWriMo, which is about three days behind schedule. That is eminently doable, should I choose to do so.

Right now, I’m in two minds as to whether to continue or not.

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There’s an awful lot in my brain that is unsorted right now, looking for a home. Things that used to sit in one place no longer belong there: space needs to be made to accommodate various shifts in attitude and outlook. There is also new space that could be filled, or might yet be better served being left vacant and unused as yet. One of my biggest issues is the constant creation of things to keep me occupied, when actually it might be a smarter idea just to allow silence and space an opportunity to breathe and settle.

That’s why it’s decided that if I wake up tomorrow and want to carry on with Taeken, I will, but today is not when I make that decision. Sunday will be for badminton, remembering the Fallen, sorting out desk chaos, organising laundry, clearing up the outstanding content for web pages and generally not stressing. There is likely to be a walk too, some new playlist creation, and a bit of self-care… but no pressure. That’s the key right now: I don’t need any more on the plate.

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Yup, this is a crossroads, and as it happens the path forward’s not in question. What does need to be sorted is my internal disaster preparedness kit, which after due thought and consideration is woefully unfit for purpose.

That out of date attitude is going to need to be thrown away for a start.