I had forgotten how good the poems were that I submitted for this Zine. However, that pales into insignificance when placed beside being in the same publication of someone’s work who I totally adore. That’s the moment you can never plan. They are precious.
This is significant progress.
I appear to be doing blogs in pairs right now, mostly because they’re being fitted in between other tasks. That meant recording a podcast today, which on reflection should have been done on Monday. It’ll get programmed that way for next week.
Today was also when I did my first 10 km for quite some time, and I know it can be done a great deal better. Finding time to do so isn’t necessarily the issue, but finding the mental space in order to function successfully whilst doing so very much is. That is the bigger ask.
I am making time going forward to address the mental consequences of my previous life choices.
At least one person has failed to recognize me this morning with the new hair. That’s an unexpected surprise. It also takes about two minutes to dry now, which has freed up a fair bit of time for other things. All in all, not a bad turn of events.
I have another project at present, which we’ll be working on over the next few weeks. It’s already making me think. The best projects are the ones which challenge you.
Let’s be honest, everything should challenge you.
It is taking a fair bit of time to adjust to my new routine. A lot has been altered, if truth be told: it is not just writing and creation. Exercise has been given a different focus. That’s been a bit of a game changer. Oh yeah, and after what’s probably been almost a decade, I have short hair again.
It was something that mattered for a long time, being that person. Now, however, it is not who I am any more. Accepting this is an important step forward, embracing it even more so. Only by reinvention can we challenge and redefine ourselves.
Only by doing the things that frighten us is there a chance to redeem the issues that have held us back.
Having said everything yesterday, however, change is occurring.
Nothing ever evolves by empty words and blogs, now, does it…
This week has changed the game plan. A lot of that has to do with knowing I’m not happy with other people’s handling of mass participative events as someone with historic anxiety issues. Forget for a moment about all the other potential mental complications involved in next week’s Ride London, it’s all about knowing I’m uncomfortable in this situation on my own. Decisions need to be made best on previous experience and best principles.
Taking both of these things into consideration, everything is going to be better off for the next couple of weeks without that pressure. Part of the issue before has been the misguided conception that by entering something, I am then obliged to see it through to the end. This is no longer about commitment or expectation. We have entered the realms of what matters to me, finally, for the first time in many decades. I say this is not a priority now. There are more important things to do.
Let’s get on with it.
It was inevitable, of course, after last week’s 200 plus views triumph of video making and poetry reading that there would be a plan. I’m going to post this and then spend my Friday night making title cards for the next two projects in the series. Without giving anything away, they will be called ‘Wander’ and ‘Golden Mile’, both of which will have a connection to water. They coincide with journeys to two different locations in the next couple of months.
September’s is provisionally entitled ‘Fast as You Can’ and has nothing to do with Fiona Apple. This is me, using my free time as a means to create content, and it helps establish a routine that will get me publishing five poems a month with videos to accompany them. If anything, it will show potential organizations that a) I’m not fucking about and b) I can do my own promotion. Maybe one day someone will pay me for this… who knows?
Whatever the outcome, I am having fun organizing it all…
Today has had a lot happen in it. By far the most important part of that is that instead of being distracted by social media, other things have taken place. Instead of being dragged into things I cannot change or alter, I used time to write poetry instead.
Five poems have been sketched to first draft in time that previously did not exist. I would have been mindlessly browsing or being sucked into arguments that, at this moment, do not require my input. Instead, from the tyranny of always being present, I have produced something that makes me happy.
Not all problems are as easily solved, and this is why this time is doubly important. The time I have reclaimed has been used wisely today. Tomorrow may be different. However what is increasingly apparent is that these are problems I can solve alone. This is the key for my next step of professional progress.
You can always be more than you believe is possible.
Yeah, I was right. Boxing is a game changer. Talking to different people is a game changer, as is giving yourself to your peers with no desire for reward. Some real truths were vocalized for the first time this morning too, which were previously very much not touched for very good reason. Knowing what you are is all well and good, but actually coping with that is something very different indeed. All of this will now undoubtedly result in a significant mental change in the Bagging Area.
Therefore, going forward, we will ensure that things are done is as much of a timely fashion as is possible. Some days, I will be late, and there will be less apologizing at the time. Sometimes, shit just happens and that’s that. There will however be absolutely no apologies for anyone or anything who thinks it’s okay to either belittle or do harm to the progress I have made. I see you, and it’s not happening. I do not need your support if it is laced with caveats or benefits you before me.
We are either in this equally or you can fuck right off.
Today has been full on, and I’m not done yet. As I type this, I’m waiting in a Zoom space for an Open Mic/Poetry Reading to start. I have a lot to think about as well. There is so much going on, most of which is really difficult to explain, but that’s not necessarily the problem it previously was. I had my first Proper Boxing lesson today and honestly, it’s obvious that this is a bit of a game changer. Now all that needs to happen is my brain to percolate on the consequences…