Deliver Me

Lying awake at 2am this morning, unable to sleep, the sense of arranging a 9am PT session seemed somewhat pointless. However, as it happens, it was exactly what I needed to get the day off to a useful start. By that I mean not only am I awake, but aware of how much there is to improve on life right now. My problem, like it or not, is getting stronger. Fighting injury, confidence issues, body stamina and a voracious appetite is HARD WORK.

I feel there might be protein pancakes in my future this week.


The lure of the waffle is great, mostly because SUGAR YES GIVE IT TO ME and so looking for ways to squash that desire have become a priority. The ‘eat little and often’ regime is one I can totally ascribe to. As a result a second breakfast today was pretty much essential this morning, but with an afternoon bike ride on the cards, it’ll all even out.

Also today, my lunchtime fruit will be rhubarb FROM MY OWN PLANTS \o/

UPDATE: tasted amazing.

This has made me insanely happy.

No Tourists

This morning, I ache, but am surprisingly not tired. The workout pre-Blaze (now forever to be known as Jungle Gym Runaround GO) was a lot less stressful than my brain had decided it would be, having spent the best part of two months watching it from the sidelines. The 30 minutes Zwift was a bit educational too. As it’s a no weights/upper body day today, legs might do a full hour, we’ll see how things feel.

This is a lovely place to be, all told. Not stressing that my weight was up this morning, rather understanding that if you do more exercise, and eat the right things, it is muscle that is gained and not necessarily fat that’s lost. It remains annoying as fuck for the part of my brain that still feels the only notional progress is down, in the same way no red minutes yesterday felt like a step backwards. Neither are true.

I don’t need to live with a distorted view of reality any more.

There’s lots to do, and (Ironically) none of my writing goals this week are likely to be met. This is also, unsurprisingly, not the end of the world. We can fix lots of things across the weekend. Right now, what matters most is a cuppa and blogging.

Come and join me <3

Things that make You go Hmmmmmm

Things I Have Learnt since Tuesday:

I may have more specific anxiety triggers than first though: it is not necessarily situations. Places and people are triggers. Requires more exploration. Needless to say, something that should have been fun yesterday absolutely wasn’t, for a time.

Hunger is a big deal: I’m still not eating properly; not the right things or at the correct time. That means, once all this is done, I’m going shopping and trying to redefine my operating parameters. Needs a plan.

Anger is an Energy: Last night’s Blaze warm-up was painful. My legs did not want to know. Then, I got angry: at myself, mostly. I’ve done directing anger at other people, it is an utter waste of time. Adrenaline gave me my best Blaze showing since this started.


The takeaway from this is important:

  • Four minutes of blue: heart-rate staying green or above for the majority of the class. I modified class slightly because of what I was asked to do. One completely new move almost flummoxed me, but I persisted.
  • Running remains the red zone guarantee: If there’s the chance of simple exercises in other zones, I might be able to get to hold yellow in Combat or Strength now. The key, absolutely, is finding adrenaline, and that’s problematic (see below)
  • Fuelling needs work: as mentioned above, gotta work on what produces a good pre-workout reaction. In this case, that was a sushi afternoon tea. It was much needed and tasted totally heavenly. Notes will be taken.


The biggest takeaway from last night is the process that gets me motivated to work harder. Without going into massive, personal details, anger is the key. How it manifests, using it positively, and the benefits of channelling emotions into personal growth. The sublimation of anxiety into better, more productive avenues is a good place to start. Understanding the triggers and keeping them to a minimum is also a learning process.

I think I’m up to the task.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I react quite strongly to external stimulus: changes in light, heat and sound have always been problematic. Last night, I got all three at once, around 4am, and the experience was, on reflection, enlightening. There were also dreams which, for the first time in several months, cannot be remembered, however hard I try. There’s gonna be a lot of this in the next few months, undoubtedly. At least it’s not a surprise.

I wonder how all this works moving forward.


I did not sign up for this emotional roller-coaster, but undoubtedly the consequences of a massive dislocation of previously well-stacked and organised memories will be… well, shonky for a bit. Trying to keep everything level and organised is not yet a totally thankless task, however, and blowing my ‘cycle every day in April’ plan by being sparko at 10pm is not going to hurt anybody.

In fact, my trainer’s assertion that a bit more rest is required is probably spot on. Mixing it up a bit is in the cards, a spontaneous submission walked to the mailbox before 9am. I miss having to send mail for things, or indeed getting letters that are anything other than bank statements or circulars. There should be a movement to reintroduce long-form writing as a means by which you initially get to know people who were previously strangers.


I’m gonna go out later, exercise as normal tonight, start again tomorrow. Nothing really has changed, except deep down I know what everything has. There is homework to do, too. I need to work out what all of this is going to achieve, and write it down to take with me next week.

That’s gonna be a tough ask.

Personal Data // Alpha

personal data
A lot has changed in my life in the course of the last year, more than had initially been grasped. It’s only when you have to lay life out to a total stranger that it becomes apparent of how a world view’s subjectivity will influence thinking and reaction. I’m absolutely not going to talk about the details of those conversations here, but I can consider the consequences they create in this virtual existence.

More and more, in my virtual sphere, it has had become socially acceptable to be the villain. Having played that role before such things were a means to make money, or show your disdain to other political/social groups, I realise that there is a lot of subtlety that is being ignored or simply not even being considered by people who feel that any criticism is bad. You either like summat, or you shut the fuck up.

Of course, that’s what I’ve done above. With the unsubtle, visceral lens screwed tightly into my world view, someone will read this tweet in exactly the same breath as the person who complains vociferously that their game’s being ruined by whiny, entitled fanboys. That position’s remained unchanged for well over a decade. The addition of ‘let people enjoy their stuff’ is irrelevant too. You come to Twitter for a fight, right?

That’s the entire point of posting a Tweet to start with.


The subtlety of discussion is receding in my timeline. It’s quite rare to have that kind of interaction in the first place: what tends to happen is someone does a ‘thread’ on a useful subject that is read and discussed, people elevate memes to new levels of clever/ridiculous/indecipherable, everybody posts more pet pictures and that’s the game. Is it because I’m not following the right people? I don’t think so.

What seems to happen now is that people just don’t talk to each other as much unless they feel SUPREMELY confident of their ability to deal with all-comers. This mostly seems to manifest with genuinely arrogant, unreadable diatribes or the occasionally brilliantly smart, funny and readable commentator. I’ve had enough of listening to the smug writers and broadcasters who somehow are above the rest of us.

Looking for genuinely interesting new followers is an increasingly tough ask.


Maybe this finally means the ‘if you’ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all’ adage is beginning to stick, I dunno… or maybe, more significantly for me, the feed I read on a normal day’s been reduced to something approaching quiet. The curation I’ve undertaken over the last six months has reduced my feed by about 250 followers: yes, I’ve gone in and force unfollowed a LOT of people.

Many of those were also people who would never, ever follow me back, and as a result are only useful to read and rarely react with. There are a few exceptions, but most of the discussions now are about subjects that are distinctly lacking in contention. I’m in no position to do anything else, and remain happy online. I look forward to the day when there’s more confidence to do so, however.

It will happen again, undoubtedly.

Calling All the Heroes

Gonna try and start counselling again today.


I’ve been told to take a day off by my trainer. I’m pretty certain I know what over-training feels like (because I’ve been there before) and this isn’t quite there yet, but with the mental stress of the last few weeks I have, it must be said, been somewhat remiss with relaxation time. Saturday was a prime example: took my iPad to bed, fully intending to watch Netflix, got 15 minutes into the show where the lovely lady tidies up people’s lives and fell asleep. I suppose that had a measure of success…

Even with eight hours sleep last night, I’m still tired however, so deferring to the trainer seems like a plan. I’d have a kip on the sofa this morning, but am already fretting about missing my appointment, so no, not doing that. What I can accomplish however before the thing we’re not talking about is go pay in a load of change to my bank account, thus clearing summat off the (hugely long) Domestic To Do list. Yeah, that seems like a good idea all told.


Not much to say, really. Just wanna get things started. 

Let’s do that now.


So, yesterday. Let’s talk about that for a minute.

I wrote a blog yesterday for the Other Place which was, it has to be said, a bit of a surprise. It comes on the back of picking up yet another failed writing project at the start of the weekend and trying (unsatisfactorily) to make something of it. Yet again came the familiar and damning grasp of terror around both brain and heart. You’re not good enough. Stop trying to fool yourself that you are.

Except fuck you Impostor Syndrome, seriously, just go get in the sea and stay there. These ideas are more than good enough, I’m just not mentally capable of the editing task right now. It is like wading through my past, laid out in print, being forced to relive the circumstances behind when these pieces were written, time and again. I am incapable of going back there and doing the work. It hurts too much.


Therefore, it might be an idea to take something totally new and fresh, from scratch, and just see how we can make something worthwhile emerge, using all the skills I’ve learnt in the last eighteen months. No massive plan, just taking an idea I’ve loved for decades, and putting my unique spin on it. Therefore, yesterday, Provocatrix was born. It’s pretty much at the ‘I’m writing this for you stage’ too, and there’s already an ending.

Key to the success of this narrative is that the key plot hinge has been knocking around for over a year, but my brain had ring-fenced it for another project that would have been totally and utterly wish fulfilment. That’s the key, I think: writing needs to be fun, something you enjoy, the ideas not a chore or a concept you think other people might find interesting. If you don’t have fun in the creation, boy does it show.


This isn’t a total about face for me but it is a shift in course. Accepting the shortcomings is normally not as easy (or satisfying) as this has initially turned out to be. Cautious optimism is most definitely the key to progress now but I have the three key protagonists sorted. Who they are and what they do is now their task to show me. I’m looking forward to seeing where we all go, how they react to the narrative’s challenges.

I’m genuinely excited for a long form project, and that’s not happened for some time.