All By Myself

I’m spending a LOT of time thinking about video poetry, collections and NaNoWriMo. There is a TON of stuff to do. Most of it revolves around my own creativity and is not dependent on anyone else and right now, in the current climate, that is EXACTLY how things should be. However, to make it happen, I have to work for it.

Therefore, there will be less time hanging around on social media and more effort put into the actual practice. Therefore, if you want me, I will be available only if called. An @ on Twitter will get my attention, or a message via email (it’s not hard, that’s what it’s there for, people.) So, if you will excuse me, I’m off to try and make the next step forward in my career.

It can’t be THAT hard, right?

Getting Better

Remember I said this place used to be the daily practice and now it isn’t? Well here I am, three days after my last post. I had a poetry ‘gig’ yesterday that went very well indeed, which will turn into a regular occurrence. A virtual ‘open mic’ is exactly what reality demands at present, and it has homed down my ideas for the next poetry video.

If I’m honest, the mental fallout from this project was considerable.

It’s the first time I’ve got universal praise for my work from family, and has opened up a room in my head I knew was there, but was previously very firmly locked. It allows a very different strand of creativity to emerge that was previously untouched for decades. Most importantly of all, however, this grants me unlimited potential.

Therefore, the upside to all of this far outweighs the negatives. Yes, it will take a while to adjust, as it always do, but I already know how this will operate. Now all that needs to be done is the adjustment process, which is what today begins to organise. I already have huge plans. To do that means, yes you’ve guessed it, rearranging the furniture.

Here’s where we begin.

Jet

Been on a project, and now that work’s awaiting feedback, I can come get on with normal things. The confidence I’ve learnt in the last few weeks should be apparent in what’s been made: a 150 second video where I feel anything is now conceivably possible. It’s just up to my imagination and effort.

Not much else to add either.

New Chapter, Go.

Becoming More Like Alfie

Yesterday was a triumph of form over function. Who thought that a prose piece would cause so much damage, and that defending other people would be used as a means to attack my position. It is indeed all fun and games until someone’s ego is damaged and then all you have is memories and a far larger block list. Welcome to October, where everything is in free-fall.

Except, as it transpires, this is perfectly fine. No .GIFs of cartoon dogs have been burnt in the making of this blog. I have a minute of video this morning utilising two webcams and Discord, which is fucking light years ahead of where I was two months ago. Knowing how to use it, of course, is a different matter entirely, and now the tech needs to percolate in my brain.

I might be able to manage a poem a week on YouTube, though…

These are all small steps. Seeing my own work up is a step in a decent direction. It all works well in my own mind’s eye. That’s what this is all about, when everything is said and done. It is a slow, measured progression of ideas that started on paper. Now I can plan, and consider new ways to evolve myself, in new forms and possibilities.

All of it, in the end, is only working towards a single goal: expression.

Where I Stood

Why didn’t you write a blog yesterday?

This is a very good question. One part of the answer is me, sitting here now, waiting for a phone call. NOBODY EVER calls me so when it happens, you know it’s important, and that really is all I want to say about it, for reasons which will become clear next month. Another part of the reasoning is that yesterday, summat needed to give. I couldn’t do everything.

More and more (as I wrote on the work blog) it is becoming apparent that what used to be needed to keep me sane on a daily basis is no longer required. This, undoubtedly remains a good thing. Therefore, as long as there is work somewhere, what it is becomes largely irrelevant. It’s the logical development that’s been happening for months now.

Prolific is only useful when it suits the game plan.

It makes me laugh when I watch the ‘pro’ bloggers happily state they’re recovering after having written their four blogs for the month. People aspire to live in a world where just doing enough becomes something of an art form, vital insight being used as fuel for lectures, virtual events and seminars before being referenced in countless ‘clever’ Tweet sequences.

The Internet is destroying everything: it’s time to step back and focus on reality. This is undoubtedly a true statement, in a certain light. However, if used as a selling tool you instantly become those very people exploiting the Internet to destroy everything, and that transparency is laughable. It’s why I refuse to play anybody else’s Instagram game any more, and why Facebook remains a slur.

Just enough is the reason why nothing ever really gets done.

Time to start doing more things properly.

Destiny

There are many things that need fixing in my life. For a change, none of them are disastrous. We’ve done the whole ‘eat well’ epiphany this time last year, I get how that works now very well indeed, which is why I’m eating an apple and not a chocolate biscuit right now. Sometimes, choice is the problem. However, it’s not today’s problem.

I have begun to understand that making your own luck is a thing, where luck is defined as making sure you are in the right place, at the right time, and can be seen to be engaging in behaviour that suggests you are interesting. It is not hard at present to know where these things are taking place. The trick now is to capitalise, without making it look needy.

Those who believe that you are somehow destined to be a certain thing are, inevitably, aware of an ability to keep focus and impetus placed in a certain direction. Working hard, every day, at the same thing, will result over time in limited success. If all you care about is the world knowing your name… well, that might need a few more hours.

Then it’s all about how much you want the thing you’re aiming for.

What is becoming increasingly apparent, at least from this chair, is the difference between deciding the Universe is somehow overseeing all of this and that maybe, possibly, you have more influence than first appears the case. Neither fate nor destiny will cure me of the tyranny of choice, that’s for damn sure. If there is ever going to be progress within exercise to a standard I am happy with, then there have to be sacrifices.

The same, undoubtedly, is true with writing. However much ‘luck’ other people may claim there is, it can all be easily negated by bypassing the need to be validated by other people. Rewards are great, don’t get me wrong, but personal satisfaction beats all of that hands down. Yesterday’s 10% increase in fitness, confirmed by my own hard work, is a reward I am insanely proud of.

That wasn’t luck that got me that far. It isn’t destiny that I was supposed to make it here, it was fucking hard work and no compromise. Standing and hoping for a sign that I’m going in the right direction from someone else is great and everything, but if I pin my hopes on that as my only means of gauging progress… well, that’s bollocks, there needs to be a better way.

The question now is what that is and where to find it.

When I work it out, you’ll know.

Life is Life

Nobody else is gonna sell me. I know I’m getting somewhere when somebody draws one of my OC’s or does a tribute .GIF. These are the markers which indicate you are being listened to and that people are paying attention. Maybe this is the month, but I’m not waiting around for someone else to do the legwork.

If it’s gonna happen, I have to instigate it.

Therefore, starting today, it’s about doing the miles, not the journey. YES I KNOW about all that motivational shit involving process but unless that actually happens, nothing changes. That means WERK, and GUBBINS with the minimal amount of FAFFING along the way. It also requires an absolute kick ass soundtrack. This is all covered.

Time to proceed.

Most importantly this month, I have real, tangible exercise goals to aim for. I’ll be avoiding the Gym at weekends, but there are spaces I can use alone away from the main body of people to lift and train. Those are going to be utilised a lot going forward Monday to Friday. I’m into week six of my 12-Week Bike Plan too, and it’s not letting up. I am working HARD, not just typing a good game.

Now I know weight gain isn’t nearly as dire as was thought, I’m pretty sanguine about the loss process. It will happen, but not at the loss of treats and giving myself the opportunity to enjoy food and not just fuel with it. I’m back to daily protein shakes. There’s been some quite important changes in my body since March too, some which appear to have manifested through my hair ^^

The back shave is back, but returning me to blonde/white is going to take a bit more work than first anticipated. The red, although fantastic for my confidence, decided after about three weeks it had no intention of staying put, except (rather oddly) in that particular band of hair. I know that your hair strands can be tested for drug use and mirror issues with your general health.

I’d love to know why that patch won’t shift, and I’d also bet good money the reason I’ve become more sensitive to bleaching than normal will be related to stress and anxiety, which there has been a lot of over the last couple of months. No matter, colour right now is irrelevant: it’s neat, I feel human again and it’ll work wonderfully on camera when I start doing my mental health champion business next week.

Talking of which, must get on. Lots to do.

The Gift

I was appropriated yesterday, and am still working my brain around the coup. I wondered if that was the right word to describe the action, on reflection, but if we start with the kids’ dictionary today:

My disappointment, because that’s what it is, lies around other people wanting to make sure their own arses are covered. I understand how all this stuff works: politics is easy to see at distance than it ever is close up. How it is now dealt with is less clear, but I’m reasonably confident the Universe will already be organising suitable redemption.

Hang on, is this you trusting to fate? Kids, we all know that fate and destiny are constructs, just like lots of other environmental factors have nothing to do with the reality people find themselves within. In the midst of chaos, everybody’s looking for an angle, a spiel… a grift. The Grift is very strong right now, for lots of people.

A lot of manipulation occurs online (and with intellectual property) that really shouldn’t happen at all: the Internet’s always been a pretty fertile ground for cons. Some people’s long games are incredibly successful, after all. If all that matters is saving face with someone else, how far will you go to bury someone else to save yourself…? I know how far some already do.

Today’s blog post therefore is understanding I’m playing a different, more ethical long game. Never grifting, zero appropriation. I leave that to other people, and understanding the landscape in which I find myself is quite important. Therefore, today is all about just doing what matters first for myself, and putting everything else to one side.

Life comes at you fast. Reacting quickly is a skill I need to practice.

Don’t Believe the Hype

My husband is a very, VERY keen cyclist. That means, in our house at any one time, there are SQUILLIONS of water bottles: some vintage, some too big to fit into bottle cages, some promotional and all prone to getting very mouldy if not cleaned properly. The best ones, undoubtedly, are minimal in their design and easiest to keep sanitary.

Doing just that this morning, I realise it is (yet again) time for a clear out. Detritus increases quickly in the modern world, so much stuff given away ‘free’ when it would be better for us and the environment if you didn’t feel the need to chuck me a bazillion tote bags and charging cables under the auspice of ‘look, we care about our clients.’

Then it hit me, yet again, that all of this faffing is a metaphor.

If I am going to succeed in business, finally, after all this time, making life harder for myself is not going to work. There is no need to reinvent the wheel every month, despite the fact it will make me look cool and edgy. Maybe, just possibly, introducing some consistency to my work might be an idea. That means finding a game plan, and sticking to it.

When it comes to Instagram, I am an utter Noob. Ideally, I should be using what is available to me without attempting to invent anything else right now, however smart or funny it might look. Therefore, today we have started a Plan of Action that will move through until Christmas. It’s hard to think that far ahead, I’ll be honest, but it seems a decent timeframe.

Let’s see if this new format will pay any dividends at all.

It is tough on the brain right now, so much to have to try and juggle. Watching stuff go out in the world and not have hundreds of people proclaim it a marvel, a wonder, the content they’ve been waiting for is difficult to cope with, when all you’re ever really after is someone telling you what you’ve done is great.

Expectation management is the toughest job of all.