Sabotage

This is the only blog I’ll write today: I should have done something on Wednesday but, to be honest, this week has gotten away from me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been immense, but simultaneously anger-inducing. All this will pass, as is always the case, and we’ll be back on the shit from Monday…

I am still recovering from Wednesday: the blister on my foot is now down to an acceptable level of pain, I have received a largely predictable response from the Doctors with reference to my pursuit of a particular diagnosis, and will be gearing up to attack the problem again, with the correct tools at my disposal. Major life changes begin on Monday. It’s all go here, and the goal remains to thrive, which I am.

Other people will not derail my progress.

Really, we are getting there.

It’s My Life

The plan was to shut down the personal account after the last part of my short story was posted. I’m not waiting until 5pm tomorrow to do this. It’ll happen at 5.15 today. There is really no point in stringing this out any further than necessary. I can’t move on being held back, and looking at what’s happened since this change was implemented? This is the way. It will also encourage me to finally get up to date with the website faffing as well.

The more I realize that many, many people weren’t listening at all, the more important it becomes to cut the chord. My perception of the reality that life was a part of is not necessarily broken, but it is undoubtedly flawed. Mostly I need to stop talking about it and move on, but it’s apparent that this is grief that I’m going through, that after years of using the place as inspiration before everything just dried up, my emotional attachment was far more complex than was at first the case.

So, we’ll move on ahead of schedule.

Living on the Ceiling

I am embarrassed and slightly concerned over just how often I switch browsers. I’ve become used to checking two social media presences, to the point where it has become a habit that needs to be broken. Instead, I have set the second browser’s leading tab to my work website, which is in need of a fair bit of work in the next few days, in the hope that when I do it as an impulse, it’ll automatically push me into beginning something constructive.

There’s also a minor triumph this morning that something which was worth absolutely nothing to me on Monday will now provide an unexpected financial bonus. It’s making me think that perhaps I could sell some more stuff going forward, if I can find space in my brain to accommodate the process. It is certainly worth some thought.

Less blogging, more actual work now.

The Gift

It took me a while to work out why I couldn’t share a Tweet from my personal account any more: it’s because I’ve locked it. It won’t exist on Monday anyway: I finally cut the chord and have decided to shut it down. I know I’ll lose over 2500 followers but honestly, when I interact with probably 150 of those on a regular basis (and nearly 100 have followed me to the new account) it’s not a loss. The people paying attention know I’m off, and I’ve messaged the rest.

It’s the necessary next step in personal evolution.

Yes, there will inevitably be casualties, but this is the moment to grasp that if this matters enough to people, they’ll come and find me. I cannot keep track of everything, and never could really with two ‘main’ accounts on the go simultaneously so, in the end, it was easier to make the choice. It’s not a personal sleight that I’ve ignored or forgotten people, and I hope they’ll understand that. Some will undoubtedly not understand why I’d trash a following on principle.

Those people I’m probably better off not following any more anyway.

Needless to say, starting on the first, an awful lot of stuff is gone for good.

Unfinished Sympathy

This was written today, because if it were tomorrow, I would have not yet moved on, and that’s what needs to happen. That’s the problem with the World now: all these time zones, so much difference between what’s not for me and then for others. I could have scheduled for Monday but, by then, this is history. It’s taken a year, give or take, to decouple myself from an online persona that effectively saved my life. Some might want to use that as fuel going forward, but after I watched a grown woman on Friday night tell me how she stopped herself from taking her own life, something fundamental altered inside.

Knowing you are not alone is great: believing it is a different concept entirely.

When all is said and done, I have always thrived when nurtured. The problem in this Existence of Noise, which it undoubtedly has become right now, remains filtering out the stuff that is harmful. An awful lot of it isn’t, far more than you might think. So many good ideas come from Social media, staggering depth and breadth of beauty, and if you’re not smart enough to understand the difference between a need and an ask, it can all get terribly difficult to rationalize. It’s why it took so long to sort the transition out properly.

I remember someone long gone from what is now my personal feed, someone I’d loved as a mutual and wished for as a friend, staging the most impressive exit from the platform. I should have gone when he did, on reflection. That moment has been thought on for the longest time, that he did it right, and I’ve spent years hanging on hoping certain people might stop thinking this was what my life was, when it became just a place I lived in and stayed part of for so long out of an obligation to others. Those who interact and give back have kept me sane, and there’s hope that many of those will come and join me on this new journey.

However, many won’t, and now I have to move on.

Undoubtedly the problem before was the thought I couldn’t cope without that presence as support. When it became apparent that it was perfectly possible to cope on my own, the requirement was redundant.

If you’re reading this from the pinned tweet on my personal account: yes, I’m still there, but its no longer where I work.

I have finally accepted that, and moved on.

Russian Roulette

It’s been a Week when blogging got sidelined for poetry performance and mental health. Both are important, but it needs to be said that I enjoy this, that the blog must never be ignored in my spaces of personal significance. Without these words, there would be no poetry. This was the true sandpit, where the ideas were first played with. Without it, there would be no me. I need to find ways to make this space and others relevant again. We’ll work on it.

I have the beginnings of a Set List. This is really important, and the two poems are different sides of the mental health coin for me. I tried out a poem last night that I know is really strong, and so it’s going to get entered for a Thing as a result. I doubt it will win, but I’ll never know if I don’t try. All of this is experimentation, after all, but increasingly is the realization people like me, as a person, as well as the work. That’s going to take some time to get used to.

One day.

Urg!

Should have been here yesterday, apologies for absence, there’s a lot on. Therefore, this is going to PRETEND it happened yesterday, and most people won’t even realize the difference.

Existing work is being repurposed for new gains. I am slowly pulling myself back to full capability. I have some backlog to deal with but nothing that can’t be sensibly rationalized. Really that’s what I should be doing right now and not posting here.

Also, this poetry is VERY good :D

Point of View

At some point, this is all going to finally fall into place.

Inside Out

As I was working in the Gym this morning with my PT, she remarked how I seemed to be thriving right now in my exercise goals. Except, I’m not. This is me, coping. It’s hard work, and I am always tired and progress is just the next thing I can do without having to spend all my time thinking about it, and therefore wearing myself out even further. It’s an interesting observation, that on the outside I look assured but on the inside, it’s actually a mess.

I’m also writing a selection of mental health poetry for Patreon, and this morning a poet of some note remarked how my choice of titles was far more optimistic than she herself would have considered, and now I’m absolutely positive there is a disconnect at work between how I see the world and how the world sees me. This is going to make for an interesting conversation with the mental health people on Thursday.

This week is one to watch, people.