Absent Friends

This is the lightest I have been mentally for probably fifteen years. It has a lot to do with not playing a particular game on release, I realised yesterday, that the tyranny of being part of something no longer wanted has finally been put to rest. After that, it’s stepping away from an obsessive need to create, because it was, as a coping mechanism.

There is now acceptance there needs to be a game to fill that gap, that I miss playing generally, because that was another coping mechanism. There is also absolutely the understanding there needs to be more friends too. How all this stuff is fixed remains a largely nebulous concept, because you can’t have all the answers instantly and that’s the point.

Lots to do, let’s crack on.

Bombs Away

I’m not even close to being done, but today there are other priorities, so I’m going to fix them first. Then I have a ton of tidying to do.

I’ll be with you at more length on Wednesday <3

Hello, Hello

This is the longest blog break here for a while. I’d like to explain why.

If all I had to do was be more organized, this would be easy. The fact remains there is a lot more to my evolutionary step this time than just writing more lists. I have a body to properly alter, rather than just the (often) token efforts that have been made thus far. Lockdown 2.0 came at a bad time for me. I refuse to lose my progress. Therefore, there’s a lot of hard work to do.

The NaNo has literally written itself. I have my next novel project organized, which is unheard of. Next week I need to look to start editing an existing work too. I’ve not done with poetry, far from it, but right now the storytelling matters more, so that is what I am focussing on. There have been domestic issues too, that have mattered more than being here or using this as routine. Right now, that is NaNo.

I won’t Shonk again this week, the audio’s now out of date, such is the speed that the world works, so we’ll sort it for next week instead. That’s a lot of the problem right now, I am not a fast mover, which is no more apparent than at present. However, with the benefit of a CRACKING night’s sleep… it is true that I need to work more physically to wear me out.

Let’s see if we can keep this up.

Glory Days

Taking the weekend off is becoming more and more beneficial.

This week, I will be mostly organising the bits of my life you don’t see. I spent a day doing that yesterday and, all told, it went very well indeed. There will be the normal selection of random wibbling, but the more serious stuff will now be saved for YouTube, because this is the future, like it or not and I need to be organised.

I won’t be writing Tuesdays and Thursdays either, going forward, that’s my Work Blog days, so that the entire writing experience is sensibly rationalised. This way, nobody loses, and I don’t get overwhelmed.

Right then, poetry.

Alone Again, Or

Yesterday was a watershed.

It began because I am no longer in the position to afford things that other people consider as essentials. The fact remains, FOMO is real, but largely pointless once you rationalise the expense. Sure there are alternatives too, but the larger truth is that when you know something is a distraction, it is better to walk away than towards.

This then sent me into an anxiety ‘loop’ which effectively curtailed my ability to be rational. However, instead of noticing this inside the moment, I saw it at the fringes and knew that if I just walked away from the things that were causing issue, that anxiety was manageable. So, that was yesterday afternoon: stress management and relaxation.

Then, amazing things began to happen.

When life runs without you noticing, things just look different. Slow down those moments, control their effects and you can see what looks terrible at the time is just an implosion and some fire that’s easily put-outable. Last night I fixed a problem that’s existed for about three years, I found solutions to writing cul-de-sacs but crucially, cooked dinner alone and amazingly.

Allowing myself permission to step back is a really new concept for me. Knowing I can fix the issues, without assuming there needs to be someone else to assist me, is also pretty virgin territory. That confidence that you are enough, that it isn’t about that you HAVE to do more than justification that this is the case. Stopping is the most difficult thing I ever do. Making myself do it yesterday was the absolute solution to my problem.

The change in me this morning is… well, significant.

Sometimes, you are the change that needs to happen. It isn’t other people’s jobs to help you. Occasionally, you do actually need to do the things that scare you to make progress.

Most importantly of all, knowing when to ‘fail’ is really a game changer.

Today

I know it’s not over yet, but when the right guy DOES win, I wonder, how many people will learn the lessons?

Musclebound

I had my last PT lesson for what may be the year today, because there’s a part of me that thinks that we won’t see hospitality open until 2021. If that is the case, there needs to be an exercise plan, that can be stuck to and that will show real progress. That means back to push-ups every day, and not just rubbish ones. Every push up has to be superb.

Therefore, starting tomorrow there will be lists and stuff recorded. I can do it all on Garmin to remember, so there is no confusion as to numbers and frequency. After that, I have a number of scheduled tasks that require completion, and after THAT I’ll clean and lounge about in no particular order. I have some other plans though. Right now however that will do.

It’s really satisfying to have gotten all the important shit sorted by 2.15pm though. Not gonna lie. This is strangely cathartic…

Bombs Away

The story is making me very, VERY happy, almost ridiculously so. I’ve spent a long time trying to take this seriously, and maybe that’s part of the problem. Now, I’m just having fun, and it is GLORIOUS.

Also, I’m already at my day three total. Don’t say anything, I don’t want other people to feel dispirited. This isn’t a contest, it’s a fun diversion. It’s a way to forget the shitty stuff in the real world. Most importantly, it is the means by which I can just unplug my brain.

Fuck You

We’re working well right now. I have lots of plans, but very few of them involve stressing about paying people to validate me. We have officially reached the ‘fuck this shit’ portion of the year and December is already being planned, and will be taken as Holiday, because honestly I have had enough of sending stuff to people and getting not even the acknowledgement of failure.

What is becoming increasingly apparent is how bigger forces than I are dealing with the change in focus: no longer looking totally inward, many are beginning to realise the true consequence of their actions, or in many cases complete inertia. The rules here remain predictably intractable.

It’s not your job to curate your content but other people’s to remove it if they don’t like what they hear. You can absolutely be critical of said content, but expecting people to change it is unacceptable as it is a) theirs and b) you need to respect the work. That ‘respect’ can mean constructive criticism, creating your own version of reality or indeed just rejecting the work completely and leaving. You don’t get to demand it changes.

I kopped so much grief as a Gaming writer on this stance. Gamers ‘have a right’ to demand change. If it doesn’t work, the Devs HAVE to fix it. No, really, they don’t. If they choose to because economically half the player base fucks off in protest? Different scenario. That’s not like a book or a TV show where you make the creative decisions and people just have to live with it, and do.

Entitlement has fucked so much of modern existence. It really has, and the people who fucked me up over it will never be forgotten as a result. I have a list of people that could be cited, confidently blaming for a number of mental stutters in the last decade. It’s easy to see how fandom attacks and warps the fabric of our daily existence.

Except, learning the value of moving on is something so many fail to do.

So, this is me, moving on. You were warned well in advance. Some old stuff is coming back, some other stuff going away for good. I’m tired of the assertion that you somehow have to preserve some level of content civility, or else people won’t listen. That’s bollocks, it really is. I’ve seen how people like Mona work. Her reach, her work ethic, her honesty.

This is the future more people should be aspiring to.