Stupid Girl

Some arguments are just not worth your time. I know someone shoved that video or think piece into your timeline as a gag, or just to show how other people are thinking but really, truthfully, you need to stop and think. Contributing to these things is, I realise, cathartic for a lot of people too. It gives a much-needed opportunity to rage in a (relatively) safe space. However, in the end, you need to be the better person. No, really you do.

There is, understandably, a phenomenal amount of anger on the Socials right now. It is the inevitable consequence of utterly divisive governance. What happens as a result of this is still to be concluded, and there are those of us waiting patiently for tomorrow to see how that whole impeachment thing goes. Those who stoked the fire will get their time in the furnace, of that I have no doubt, because some people have long memories and the actual political clout to make shit happen. Let’s hope that does indeed come to pass.

For now, if everyone stopped sharing divisive shit online, everybody would be happier, and I could stop feeling the need to share Bernie memes as a palate cleanser. Think I’ll be doing this for a while…

You’re Not Alone

My mate Russ is back on Social media after he went away and did his own thing. When he came back, there was a comment on how easy it was to just reintegrate into the world he’d left behind. The fact this was a surprise to him got me thinking… how you see the world really is just one part of a larger, intractable whole. You can leave things, then come back to them, and it’s perfectly okay. If you’re a basically decent person, that’s how life is supposed to work. Russ is absolutely good people.

Then, this morning, I woke up to see someone in my Socials that I’d not clocked for a while. Their name had changed, just enough for me to remember who they used to be, which was someone who did some pretty horrendous stuff when previously active. The block came without a thought, and then it occurred to me to go look at who was following them. Just because I used to be in a fandom does not mean I’ll refollow everyone who decided to come back after absence. Some were distanced for a reason.

These are the perils of being digitally omnipotent.

There’s a lot of reasons why this .GIF is simultaneously brilliant and depressing, quite apart from the fact the guy who made this film has turned out to be a bit of a dick in old age. If I tell you not to touch something, most will ignore me, because I told you not to. You won’t assume it’s for your own good, that some things never stop being dangerous, to know for yourself is the only education that will stick… and that’s why I refuse to point out the bad people any more, and only support the good. I’m not living your life, that’s your job.

Most of this commentary falls on deaf ears, I realise, because only a few people are experiencing this version of Reality [TM]. When someone asked this week how I was managing to be so dedicated to my exercise goals, the reply was a reflex: the consequences if I don’t are unacceptable. You can complain you don’t want to, or there’s no desire as much as you like but really if it matters enough, you will find a way. If it transpires there is a mental health issue stopping that from taking place? Support exists.

Everything else comes down to your idea of what matters more.

From time to time people will reappear in my life and profess surprise that ‘ooh, you’re still here’ when she never left. I’ve owned this domain since the 1990’s, people. If you’d been paying even the most basic of attention it is not hard to seek me out, but most of you have forgotten how this works, because if you can’t locate me in a Facebook search, or I’m not on Instagram, I’m obviously dead. Honestly, if that’s the mindset we’re working with, its probably for the best you don’t have a clue.

I’m not here to pointlessly recollect on the point in your life where you were happiest either. That should be here, right now, every moment in the present. If that stuff’s not happening, then you really should be looking at the reasons why. Memory serves a vital function, and it is not to restrict your options. Going back to the time when things were great because right now they suck? Well, you can see the consequences of that all over the shop. We’re supposed to feel sorry for those people too because they made mistakes and are now trying to atone?

Some things you cannot ever forgive, and that’s that.

What you perceive is not the Truth, like Opinions are not Facts… all these things are being measured from a subjective standpoint that will never, EVER encompass everybody’s version of Reality. Once you grasp this, everything gets a fuck of a lot easier to cope with. Of course, some people will never do this: their Reality is the only one: give them enough power and everybody’s screwed. It’s why Government, increasingly, is not your enemy. Gaming companies are not your friends. That person vanished off the Socials last time for a reason.

Think more, whilst you still have the opportunity to do so objectively.

Too Much Pressure

I’ve not been looking forward to today, if truth be told. My weekly race looked a bit hard. I wasn’t wrong.

The harder part of today however has been writing 12 poems from scratch, and I’ve only managed 10 before calling it a day. Mentally, it was a lot to ask, but tomorrow should be easier, as I won’t have to climb a fucking mountain first. This is the first instance where physical exhaustion’s cause a mental consequence for a while. There’s a good chance however those last two will be done before bedtime. For now, I’d just like to do anything else…

Fear

Have decided to do what I said I wasn’t going to do and publish myself on video to YouTube. It’s another tiny step outside the comfort zone [TM] and as I already know the worst that could happen, there’s very little left to lose. I’ve not had a new Patreon sign-up for months, so stuff needs to change. If I get one new person as a sub, it was worth it. That’s the tiny benchmark that needs to be attained. One new Patreon Sub.

It worries me that those surrounding me have little interest in what I do. It makes me wonder why they follow in the first place. When you ask, the answers are always wrapped around how interesting I am or thought-provoking, yet that is not enough to make them take part. There is the very real understanding, of course, that I have chased true fans away in the past, because that level of devotion I found worrying, and in some cases actually frightening. Finding a balance is a tough ask.

This is as much about me as it is them.

Comfort zones are hard things to break free of. If life’s good enough, especially in the current climate, why on earth would you want to in the first place? There’s enough fear and loathing in place without intentionally manufacturing any more… but to grow, this is the task. It’s why today 10km outside needs to happen for no other reason than sometimes, the only way things improve is when they hurt. I know this will be painful and difficult and that would once have been enough to prevent any forward motion. Now, it just has to be done.

Also, there could really be better trainers at some point, so yeah, being rich and famous won’t happen without showing my face in this world that is utterly obsessed with looks over stats. Sometimes I wish I was better at things that get you better noticed too. Being as susceptible to jealousy and social avarice as the next human being… all of this is part of the exam syllabus. How you cope, and how you react. Getting five people to follow the YouTube Channel yesterday was the most excitement I’ve had virtually for days.

Fear must be overcome for us to proceed.

Hotel California

It’s 6.30 am, and I’m awake with cramp in my left leg and insane urge to pee. Having drunk and emptied my bladder, I sneak back into bed, only to be met with the following:

“You’ll never guess what happened last night,” says my husband, and I’m already imagining what new horror 2021 has presented. Was there an explosion somewhere, or some huge disaster that has taken more lives?

“They finally took his Twitter account away.”

I find myself wondering how the World ended up in the mess it has, and then remember that most people consider success as being rich and powerful. The reality of this stupidity is pretty much impossible to ignore, whatever future you decide to pursue: for instance, as a writer it is drummed into you from childhood that to become successful, there had to be a book deal. Publication matters above everything else. Last year, I self-published my first chapbook, and the thrall of other people’s success was summarily exploded.

Twenty copies currently have been sold, and I know every single person who bought one. My joy, every time someone else hands over money to read it will never, ever diminish. If this were all there was, if tomorrow I ceased to exist, this would be the happiest I’ve ever been. It will never be a bestseller. Graham Norton will never interview me on a chat show. That’s not the reason this journey’s being undertaken. I’ve seen famous writers, and what they do with their fame. I’m frankly embarrassed and depressed at what other writers consider a good use of their power. That is never happening in my world.

Validation is yours to dictate and nobody else’s to own.

It’s incredibly liberating, only having myself to compete with. For decades, all those moments when impressing others probably destroyed my own chances of personal development… there’s no point hand-wringing any more. The future is what matters, ensuring less stress to hamstring creativity, resulting in constantly improving output. Doing exercise every day has been a massive boost too, being physically tired used to completely wreck any ability to move forward. Now, rest comes in different ways. Lots of stuff has been redefined for the better.

If you read back though this blog, that evolution has been a long time coming. Some people would delete that ‘expired’ content and somehow mystically pretend that things were always this great. I will never, EVER be most people. All that I am, good and bad, is here for the world to see, progression from There to Here, with all points in-between, testament to a now fundamental belief that life is only worth living if you are true to yourself. That means admitting the mistakes, embracing the shortcomings and in my case, on a semi-regular basis, setting everything on fire before planting new ideas within my own ashes.

Never again will there be a pretence of living life under someone else’s auspice.

Things will be submitted this weekend, because the only way confidence is ever built is by being rejected. However, this year it’s not about being upset or frustrated when I fail. Instead, the lessons will be learnt. All this good work will be used, in one way or another, and nothing will ever go to waste. As body becomes leaner, mind is sharpened. I take with me the story of a woman who found my blog by accident whilst waiting with her mother for cancer treatment. She read every post I’d written, then sent an email as thanks for such an honest, uncompromising read.

Every piece of criticism is read and digested. Every compliment, filed away and remembered. You don’t get better by ignoring others.

You only improve with quiet, continuous effort.

Sabotage

That was 36 hours that will live long in the memory, and it’s not over yet. Of course, it’s not even close to being done but what happens next isn’t a test of the man who’s still in charge, it’s a check and balance of everything else. Now we see who works out what. Now we see who is punished. Time to watch how modern democracy evolves.

I have a lot of thoughts on this, but it’s not time yet, because too much is happening too fast, and I learnt that lesson last time something like this took place. It is not about deciding to be that person when that’s everybody else’s job right now. There’s work that needs doing and opportunities going to waste and frankly, with me in the best writing shape I’ve been for some time… using the energy for good is what matters most right now.

Therefore, I’ll be back.

Don’t Believe the Hype

Despite what people might try and tell you, there is no one thing that will change your life. If you happen to find a book, or a video or a lifestyle choice that helps you make better sense of reality, or improves your progress, that happens not just because of that revelation, but as a result of EVERYTHING that came before. We do not live our lives in bubbles, though looking at social media some days, you’d be hard-pressed to believe that was true.

The Government, amazingly, is not to blame for this. Forget for a moment that they’re a shower of incompetent dick-splashes who hate everything unless it’s a) white and b) makes them money and focus on the realisation that the Government did not stand over these people, forcing them to vote for Brexit. Many people were perfectly capable of understanding that they were being lied to. 48% of the country grasped the reality of the situation, and voted to remain where they were not because they hate the idea of UK sovereignty, but knew that the consequence of losing EU clout would be this horrible, which it is.

Blaming the government because you still think this is 1953, that we’re a Post War country that prioritises our own indigenous desires over absolutely everyone else in the World, that ‘being British’ is somehow more important than being either respectful, human or a citizen of Planet Earth is not the Government’s fault. They perpetuate the stereotype to farm stupid white people for their money and fealty, and nothing has changed since Churchill. If you’re dumb enough to believe this shtick? More fool you.

The lies Government tell will never change until EVERYONE accepts they’re at fault.

I watch people complain that ‘things don’t look good enough’ about 215 times a day at present, as if the quality of your virtual reality will somehow improve the state of the Real World. The number of fanboys creaming themselves over video game landscapes as an antidote to looking at a television or reading a news article has reached new heights. Hopefully now that the US has been saved by the people who really cared enough to get out and do so, that might change, but don’t hold your breath.

Your gaming experience is not unlike reality, except it won’t feed your kids or save the actual planet you love to imagine as a high-definition dystopian wasteland. That needs you to start putting the pieces together for yourself. It’s not hard, but clearly feels that way when your job’s been furloughed and there’s no employment to be had except to do the jobs you hate to begin with. I watched a high-profile commentator this morning make his washing up into a discussion topic. That’s where we are now. Maybe the answer does lie with you and not in turning all your settings up to Ultra and pretending reality isn’t happening behind you.

You wanna know the one thing that transformed my life for the better? Let me share that one simple trick for completely changing the way life works: do stuff when it needs doing. Looking at something that isn’t in the right place, don’t ignore it, go take it to where it needs to be. I attack one hard job a week, make my brain shut the fuck up and stop complaining or thinking that one day of indulgence doesn’t matter. It does, and that never changes. If you want to move forwards, stop looking backwards and don’t stand still. Really, it is that simple.

I know how hard life is. However, if you a) have a place to live and b) have food on the table plus c) the same tomorrow and an internet connection on which to complain? NO LIFE ISN’T HARD. Life is the one go you get at being relevant under your own terms, and not someone else’s. Make that happen, sooner rather than later because the very real fact remains that tomorrow might be an eternal certainty for the Universe but absolutely isn’t the case for you.

Maybe, this time around, don’t keep complaining and maybe start making a difference.

My Very Best

Four days in, and I’ll stop counting them at some point. Probably that will happen somewhere into the twenties, because then stuff will have become habit, and we’ll be past the novelty. Today however those furrows are still being ploughed. I need to fit two hours of exercise into the day, which will happen after this, and then the rest of Monday is given over to planning and setting in stone the rest of the month. I hope, by the end of business, to have created a large wodge of ‘content’ thus freeing me up to do more stuff that will make me money going forward.

That’s really what needs to happen a lot more in general.

Once upon a time, numbers on social media were a ‘thing’ for me. Ironically, all the engagement metrics that really matter have always stayed green. People are the problem, which isn’t really a surprise at all, considering the current climate. I could have just muted all the ones who hated trans people and ignored all those who were literally in it for themselves but really, truthfully, nope. The last straw undoubtedly was the person who accused me of a better than average vocabulary and that I wasn’t being supportive enough. There’s only so much a girl can do, and if doing as you asked isn’t enough… well, we’re probably done.

This week, therefore, we will mostly be keeping our head down and doing the miles. This lifestyle renaissance isn’t going to happen without some work, after all…

Down Down

It’s been an interesting day, and having embraced daily exercise until something breaks, this is a decent mindset to exist in too. I have Patreon ready to roll, and hope to spend this week creating a LOT of content. Gonna go out for an early power walk tomorrow and see how far I can get, because doing this before the evening really is the way forward. There’s more chance of failure if I leave things until late, and if there is going to be survival during a) dark days and b) continued lockdown, there has to be a plan.

I have already lost muscle mass on the top half of my body, which was largely unavoidable, but starting tomorrow there will also be a concerted effort to get it back. All I can do is my best, and sweating over it is a waste of time. Therefore, as with everything going forward, its realistic timescales and not too much stress. Do what can be done, and then work out a way to make it better. Tonight that means press-ups in 12’s and not 10’s until that’s academic, and then we go to 14’s… and so on. Three lots of upper body a week. Keep the momentum up, and be realistic.

such as it is, remains this. I’ll cope, and manage, and we’ll make it work. This year, I am in control.

Justified and Ancient

Yesterday, with minimal fanfare, The KLF released their most famous songs onto streaming services and YouTube. No longer will I have to keep Apple Music well away from my MP3’s and, finally there are versions of classics on an OFFICIAL KLF YouTube Channel…

Of course, there’s a shedtonne of fan-based stuff all over everywhere for these boys and their output, which was the definition of Proper Bonkers back in the day. I’m not going to spoil any of it for you but seriously, go read a biography or two of their lifespan and what they’ve achieved as performance artists, because legitimately being able to burn a million quid without compunction is worth the admission price alone.

Yesterday I also started an exercise plan that will see me record something for the entire 365 days of the year. Most of this is likely to be on a static bike, but until Gyms are open in my area again (which at this rate, let’s face it, could be May) there does need to be an upper body component that’s self-generated. 30 push-ups a day is now academic in groups of 10, now I need to be able to do them without a break. That’s the next task on the list, after which we’ll add some. Right now however, I am genuinely feeling the upper body workout from yesterday, which says to me that Good Work [TM] was done overall.

Also, I have streaks going in various places. It’s time to try and be on the giant wrecking ball with a single finger aloft, as opposed to being hit by it.

We have totally got this.