Where Do I Begin?

Youngest had COVID, and we were worried. I’ve spent basically a month chasing Sky to get a Glass. There’s 35k of a NaNoWriMo written and a couple of fairly significant mental health wobbles negotiated. I missed writing, but I needed exercise more, mostly as the means to keep me sane. Starting tomorrow therefore, a rearrangement of priorities is in order, because there needs to be more writing that’s not on social media, and more for mental health. I’m applying for jobs. This is the way forward, like it or not.

I feel let down a lot by other people. October was the birthday month that made me realize that, like it or not, other people don’t care as much as I’d like them to. Many of those who stuck with me through this period I will never successfully ever be able to thank. There are a lot of others I’d like to set fires under too, but revenge is no use to anyone, when all is said and done. It’s a romantic notion, but all that energy expended is better placed in constructive progress, and that’s what we’re doing.

My future is in video, coffee and learning to back the right people.

The Day Before You Came

I’ve had two journal acceptances over the last seven days. The good work is beginning to kick in, such as it is, and there are some important lessons to be learned from how work is edited and what will and will not work as content. As a result, this is literally the first opportunity that has existed to sit down and write a blog. I am exhausted.

There will be no letup to this: I am in Zoom meetings for learning/content/assessment/progression until Christmas. There needs to be the means of decompressing mentally as well as physically. As a result, I am attempting to be more flexible than previously. There also needs to be specific, mentally-targetted rest periods factored in.

Therefore, tomorrow is a VERY long walk and photos.

White Knight

I should have been referred today for an Adult ASD diagnosis. The doctor has all the paperwork, I’ve provided a personal referral statement. As he refused to see me in person, I have no idea of his veracity at this point. We’ll see how it goes, but I have done all that could be done, and as a result am mentally exhausted.

Everything else has gone extraordinarily well this week, including having massive progress on the house.

Normal posting, such as it remains, will return again on Monday.

And So It Goes

I’m going on holiday tomorrow: not anywhere away from here, but pretending not to work for two weeks. It will be a break, however, which is the more important point. Today, something happened that is worth remembering from a personal PoV. There’s a surprising amount of context that goes with it.

In my life, I’ve been the person a couple of people have turned to when they have lost a parent. It’s odd, because that depth of connection is something I have never experienced. The truth of this realization came up again this week in a different context: I love lots of people now, and that love is given freely, without fear of consequence. Only now does it properly register what it must mean when someone doesn’t love you back.

Helping people is really important to me, and it’s not often I’ll open myself up to that because there’s proper comprehension of what matters when you lose someone you really care about. I understand this not because of my own life, but thanks to the generosity of others. I can grieve too, could never before.

This was a learned skill, not one that is ingrained. I didn’t bond immediately with my son, but when it happened with my daughter, PND was the result, because finally I was genuinely afraid of not being capable of the love required to support both of them, and then my husband. So many things revolved around the transactional nature of those relationships.

Someone today told me that friendship for them is not transactional. I wasn’t built that way, need to see the ebb and flow of the emotional exchanges to understand what is going on, to comprehend their significance. For me, it is all about the obvious, because for so long there was never real importance placed on that tacit understanding so many people just experience as normal life. I don’t have this, and this is where a lot of personal interaction falls down.

I was also told I blame myself for a lot, which is the peculiar nature of my trauma experience, but crucially this is not the reason why I know some relationships I have been involved with would only ever end up as temporary and not permanent. What I want from relationships is often what other people are uncomfortable giving, because it really is all or nothing. I don’t have enough time left to do anything else.

Someone also told me this week that my biggest strength is my authenticity, and for the first time in a very long time I actually believe that. If this were 100 years ago, I’d be sitting here trying hard not to be overwhelmed by the portents. Fate has sent me some fucking huge signals in the last seven days. Things are changing for the better. Life is rearranging itself around me, and as that happens, there will be consequence to consider.

Sometimes, it isn’t just you that’s altering either, though if you’re a good person you’ll always check you didn’t fuck something up when you see something out of the ordinary. The people who know I’ll worry when stuff changes have learnt to let me know, to help me cope. They’ll help me understand them, especially when the signals are hard to decrypt.

In the end however, however hard you try, sometimes people grow apart.

Yesterday

It’s taken me just over a month to get to see a Doctor, who then asked me why I’d not come to see him sooner, at which I burst into tears and explained to him that his own fucking staff are the problem. They asked me if I’d like to fill in a complaint form, at which I replied there was no point, because if it took that long to get here, I’d probably be waiting a year for an apology. The NHS might be great, but it is really very broken. Some of it is bad management, but occasionally some of it is people.

I need to record some audio tonight, and to do that I need to have actual poetry to read. I will make a script.

Then, after that, it is time to address the backlog.

9 to 5

I am still here. There is an Open Mic tonight. It is almost time to sit and write some poetry for the first time in a week, although there is a good chance I may end up asleep with an iPad stuck to my face. I need to finish the submission for the 31st as well. Then there *might* be an opportunity to work on the Patreon project, but don’t hold your breath.

Everything else is fucking mental.

Beds are Burning

Gonna be a tough week, for lots of reasons, none of which have anything to do with football. However, I had an amazing weekend of recycling old work into new collections for different places and, let it be said, that this really is the best it’s been for some time. I could do with more than six hours sleep, and my vocabulary is creaking a bit, but there is still lots to do under the circumstances.

That’s about it, really.

Start

It’s a new week! I’ve been out AGAIN! I went actual shopping and everyfink and there’s clothing for the first time in eighteen months. If it is useful for anything, it’s finding bra tops that aren’t actual bras with clasps that a) fit my peculiar body shape and b) are actually comfortable. This bra, I’m wearing now, is both. Welcome to the Future, boobies.

Yes, I KNOW I should have done this yesterday, but other stuff ended up mattering more.

It’s all a delicate balancing act…

Watching the Wheels

Monday, quite honestly, about a THOUSAND YEARS AGO.

This week has been everything I said it would be. Stuff is done, more stuff is submitted, and I have a proper plan of action for next week already taking form. There’s extra Patreon work at the weekend (two extra videos for the end of the month) but I am planning to get a LOT done tonight and tomorrow. The lie-in is beginning to look particularly attractive tomorrow morning too. Been a long week of RL stress, on top of everything else. The poetry however has been fucking glorious.

In fact, this is the gift that keeps on giving.

I have a lot to read going forward. I also have a plan about how I do it. Both of these things are connected, and it will be glorious. Then there are plans to play with poetry in other forms. On that front, I need to go look at some stuff on the Internet…

How Will I Know?

I have worked my arse off this week, but still got rejected yesterday, because I’m not good enough for the people currently being applied to. How do I get better? I have to do more work, and that’s all there is to it. This is not a big deal, except when I’m tired or there’s other real life issues wearing me down. Right now, a lie in tomorrow is the most exciting thing that can possibly happen, followed closely by the takeaway I just ordered.

We’ll get there, just not this week, that’s all.