Give Me the Night

Nothing to say yesterday. I played games with my daughter, we made pancakes, and generally a lot of fun was had. Oh yeah, and exercise.

First bit was a 20 minute HIIT session on the treadmill (2 mins walk 1 min run) followed by a bunch of balance stuff on the Bosu and then some TRX core work. Basically, it’s all about effective maintenance between sessions (PT today) and making sure I’m active whenever possible. The step count slid last week for obvious reasons: I’ll walk to and from the Gym today to get back on track.

Still not really unpacked last week either. It’ll happen, but not today.

I’ve had lots of thoughts about gaming this week, many of which will be kept to myself. Those I am prepared to share are around Terraria, the game I’m playing with my daughter’s help, and how therapeutic that’s been for both of us in the last few weeks. Needless to say, the lack of stress over missing out on something or having to constantly grind something else to stay relevant is not at all missed.

This week is poetry editing and working out what I work on next in a literary sense. I already have two projects earmarked that will take me through to September: all that needs to happen now is for me to organise myself to make it happen. There are other things as well, and once I’ve got some web-pages sorted and poems uploaded, we’ll work on them. Everything in that regard is well under control.

I just have to get on with it.

A Walk in the Park

Hello there.


Here we are, after a day that pretty much exceeded all expectations.


Yeah, I know, there’s no red zone. I get this. As I sat at 89% for about five minutes yesterday in my rescheduled Blaze class, I got this. I am literally flat out, all the time. Less and less recovery is required, body just keeps going. Stamina is without question. What is now required is conditioning, so we’re doing that now. Eventually, it is gonna happen.

Hi there, I’m a new version of an old person and it’s great to meet you.


In fact, so different is the outlook on life right now there’s serious consideration being given to going for a run. WHO HAVE I EVEN BECOME that this is now a thought that even takes place within my brain…? I suppose it is the proof that conditioning is having the required effect, that cycling and HIIT training has opened doors to places that were previously inaccessible. It’s no bad thing…

…then new things annoy me. Ads in everything. The inability to just find what I want without having to use ad blockers or accept privacy notices. The compulsion to constantly try and sell me shit or people getting upset when I won’t buy shit is everywhere, and honestly it just makes the desire to disconnect even stronger. The answers is to shy away from anything popular or controversial.

It makes for a reassuringly quiet life.


After I’ve finished the poetry, there will be at least a week where all I do is unsubscribe from mailing lists and cancel subscriptions to newsletters.

Modern life is best lived on your terms.


This piece of music is stone cold guaranteed to make me blub like a baby. Part of it is wrapped up in a piece of fiction, another part from when I first heard it, and yesterday it was the piece that my husband’s family allowed to be played as their mother was taken away for cremation. They all held it together with admirable stoicism but I’m still so emotional even writing this down has caused tears.

For a very long time I’ve refused to let myself feel about a great many things, whilst other parts of my life are hardly lived at all. As balance and understanding finally covers the entirety of this emotional landscape, an amazing number of disparate things begin to shift inside a head that’s going to spend quite some time sitting in that beautiful chapel, eyes closed, trying to ensure that the Future is better organised than the Past.

It is not time yet to move on.


So, Friday. I have a PT early, then a Blaze later, and in between there are some things that need to be done, and then the last of the editing for my project begins. I plan to start adding poems to the website starting on Monday, and they’ll all be up by the end of the month, after which it is the plan to take some time off. Of course I never really stop writing: there’s a novel that needs editing, and will be, plus some other gubbins.

For now however only a second (and possibly third) cuppa is likely to drag me through this day effectively…

Summer and Lightning

Intermittent service this week, for reasons discussed on Monday.


This combination of factors has been hard to come by of late: normally sleep does not come after exercise, but last night not only did I require regulation but some stuff after that. Early mornings take their toll. It’s about a month now before Summer holidays and this year that first week of reset will be very gratefully received. I have a phenomenal amount on right now. Long may this continue.

For now, I gotta pack a bag and some mourning clothes and piss off to Somerset.

See you on Friday.

Standing in the Rain

This week is not normal, as far as that is ever possible. Wednesday morning, three of us head down to Somerset to cremate a woman whose influence on the community she was a part of is beyond significant. Then, on Thursday we come back and return to normal. Funerals will increasingly become part of my landscape, inescapable function of life itself. As you consider consequences, a lot is placed in proper perspective.

What matters more and more is reliable understanding.


Two months ago, I couldn’t do a burpee. Brain couldn’t grasp the transition between horizontal and vertical. Lungs weren’t capable of the instantaneous breathing. Mostly, body wouldn’t play, and so it got broken down: slowly, learn each part. Put them together without fear. Repeat them until it became habit. Then add speed and intensity. A simple, easy to grasp, progression of non-pressured, non-judgemental effort.

Too much of life these days is based on the idea that somehow you’re not doing it right. Instagram says this way, Twitter is that way, Facebook is full of people arguing over the details. Why are you using other people as your benchmark when the only person reliably understood is yourself? Is that even true: how much do you grasp of your own motivation? Is what matters to you being taken care of in the first place?


Effort is what matters most. Forget other people, they’re not you. Focus on what is 100% quantifiable, and if you’re not, there’s a place to start fixing. You don’t need a talking head or a famous author to make you realise what’s wrong, just the ability to be kind and non-judgemental to yourself. I still have a fairly serious sugar addiction. The six pack I’m working on will change the way my body looks forever. Brain needs to grasp the consequences of both.

Standing in a changing room on Saturday, looking at myself in a full length mirror, there was a vital and damning moment of realisation. I’m only doing half a job. Pretending other things don’t matter is a mugs’ game, because they probably are more important than the stuff that’s being addressed. Comfort in myself will never be found when I’m using a crutch for support. Maybe now is the time to finally stand confident and unaided.

Let’s see this week if we can’t alter course just a little bit…

Morning Has Broken

This morning, I see a remarkable amount of anger.


Right now, everybody’s looking for a fight, and it is abundantly apparent that the media, big business and authority generally does not have a fucking clue what to do about ANYTHING. Rules and acceptable behaviour are, undoubtedly and inexorably beginning to alter. Nobody is safe from criticism, and all that shit you did when you were younger? FUCK YES it’s coming back to haunt you.

The future is simultaneously frightening and funny, all at once.

Change however, is best when it first comes from within. In fact, never was the concept of ‘begin with yourself’ more apposite than it is right now: if everybody picked up their own litter and considered the consequences of packaging, I doubt we’d be in half the trouble that is currently the case… but that train has sailed. So, it is time to do the best that can be achieved, and to be realistic over future choices.

This elephant’s existed in the Gaming room for years, and now it is time to see whether Government decides to flex it’s muscles over corporate greed or not. Pretty much all of my enjoyment in playing certain games has been destroyed over the concept of a dice roll every time anything important had to be obtained. That’s not about to change any time soon, not looking at the previews.

Then comes the irony of people championing this ‘Classic’ version of a game that still requires you to log into the same company’s online websites, and pay money to play. The idea that somehow this is a better, more liberating form of game-play remains a lie, yet increasing numbers of people seem to believe they’re the ones exacting some kind of existential revenge on the company. You’re really not.

You’re just providing market research into what to develop in the future.


When I’ve written this, and finished the laundry, it’s time for a nice long walk somewhere, anywhere but a screen, because too much of life these days is tied to this position and whilst the weather is good, I need to be outside: not just for my mental health, but to prove a point. Evolution begins with me: breaking the long-term habits that become destructive, providing a healthy balance in all things.

Then, I need to start fixing the underlying issues that still need work, to allow proper, distinct improvement in the areas of my life which remain very much lacking.

I Don’t Care

Yesterday was pretty difficult, and it is time to dispense with the antihistamines. My brain’s more awake than has been the case since Monday, and there’s been eight hours sleep (though not exactly uninterrupted) but you can’t have everything. Today, I need to work. To facilitate this I’ve taken an early PT. Fingers crossed this does not wipe me.


Things got so bad last night that having 40 minutes at the Gym was the best way to recharge my batteries, which is odd because exercise does the opposite. The three blue bars in the middle there was when I was forced to change equipment as the guy running next to me became anxiety-inducing (far too close to the end of his treadmill to be comfortable) and if that was bothering me last night, there were issues to be solved.

The counselling really is working, and that tends to become more apparent when there’s drama. In fact, my handling of last night’s episodes make me feel that if anything more significant or stressful comes along, it will be considerably easier to cope with everything as a result of my training. It’s dumb to think that you can do everything, instantly in life without someone else providing instructions along the way.

Learning throughout your life is essential in keeping healthy.


A lot of stuff makes far more sense than it did before. Also, I’m tired of people in social media who only sell themselves and make no effort to communicate with anybody else.

I can see a reduction in interest rapidly approaching.