Deliver Me

Lying awake at 2am this morning, unable to sleep, the sense of arranging a 9am PT session seemed somewhat pointless. However, as it happens, it was exactly what I needed to get the day off to a useful start. By that I mean not only am I awake, but aware of how much there is to improve on life right now. My problem, like it or not, is getting stronger.ย Fighting injury, confidence issues, body stamina and a voracious appetite is HARD WORK.

I feel there might be protein pancakes in my future this week.


The lure of the waffle is great, mostly because SUGAR YES GIVE IT TO MEย and so looking for ways to squash that desire have become a priority. The ‘eat little and often’ regime is one I can totally ascribe to. As a result a second breakfast today was pretty much essential this morning, but with an afternoon bike ride on the cards, it’ll all even out.

Also today, my lunchtime fruit will be rhubarb FROM MY OWN PLANTS \o/

UPDATE: tasted amazing.

This has made me insanely happy.

No Tourists

This morning, I ache, but am surprisingly not tired. The workout pre-Blaze (now forever to be known as Jungle Gym Runaround GO) was a lot less stressful than my brain had decided it would be, having spent the best part of two months watching it from the sidelines. The 30 minutes Zwift was a bit educational too. As it’s a no weights/upper body day today, legs might do a full hour, we’ll see how things feel.

This is a lovely place to be, all told. Not stressing that my weight was up this morning, rather understanding that if you do more exercise, and eat the right things, it is muscle that is gained and not necessarily fat that’s lost. It remains annoying as fuck for the part of my brain that still feels the only notional progress is down, in the same way no red minutes yesterday felt like a step backwards. Neither are true.

I don’t need to live with a distorted view of reality any more.

There’s lots to do, and (Ironically) none of my writing goals this week are likely to be met. This is also, unsurprisingly, not the end of the world. We can fix lots of things across the weekend. Right now, what matters most is a cuppa and blogging.

Come and join me <3

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I react quite strongly to external stimulus: changes in light, heat and sound have always been problematic. Last night, I got all three at once, around 4am, and the experience was, on reflection, enlightening. There were also dreams which, for the first time in several months, cannot be remembered, however hard I try. There’s gonna be a lot of this in the next few months, undoubtedly. At least it’s not a surprise.

I wonder how all this works moving forward.


I did not sign up for this emotional roller-coaster, but undoubtedly the consequences of a massive dislocation of previously well-stacked and organised memories will be… well, shonky for a bit. Trying to keep everything level and organised is not yet a totally thankless task, however, and blowing my ‘cycle every day in April’ plan by being sparko at 10pm is not going to hurt anybody.

In fact, my trainer’s assertion that a bit more rest is required is probably spot on. Mixing it up a bit is in the cards, a spontaneous submission walked to the mailbox before 9am. I miss having to send mail for things, or indeed getting letters that are anything other than bank statements or circulars. There should be a movement to reintroduce long-form writing as a means by which you initially get to know people who were previously strangers.


I’m gonna go out later, exercise as normal tonight, start again tomorrow. Nothing really has changed, except deep down I know what everything has. There is homework to do, too. I need to work out what all of this is going to achieve, and write it down to take with me next week.

That’s gonna be a tough ask.

Calling All the Heroes

Gonna try and start counselling again today.


I’ve been told to take a day off by my trainer.ย I’m pretty certain I know what over-training feels like (because I’ve been there before) and this isn’t quite there yet, but with the mental stress of the last few weeks I have, it must be said, been somewhat remiss with relaxation time. Saturday was a prime example: took my iPad to bed, fully intending to watch Netflix, got 15 minutes into the show where the lovely lady tidies up people’s lives and fell asleep. I suppose that had a measure of success…

Even with eight hours sleep last night, I’m still tired however, so deferring to the trainer seems like a plan. I’d have a kip on the sofa this morning, but am already fretting about missing my appointment, so no, not doing that. What I can accomplish however before the thing we’re not talking about is go pay in a load of change to my bank account, thus clearing summat off the (hugely long) Domestic To Do list. Yeah, that seems like a good idea all told.


Not much to say, really. Just wanna get things started.ย 

Let’s do that now.


So, yesterday. Let’s talk about that for a minute.

I wrote a blog yesterday for the Other Place which was, it has to be said, a bit of a surprise. It comes on the back of picking up yet another failed writing project at the start of the weekend and trying (unsatisfactorily) to make something of it. Yet again came the familiar and damning grasp of terror around both brain and heart. You’re not good enough.ย Stop trying to fool yourself that you are.

Except fuck you Impostor Syndrome, seriously, just go get in the sea and stay there.ย These ideas are more than good enough, I’m just not mentally capable of the editing task right now. It is like wading through my past, laid out in print, being forced to relive the circumstances behind when these pieces were written, time and again. I am incapable of going back there and doing the work. It hurts too much.


Therefore, it might be an idea to take something totally new and fresh, from scratch, and just see how we can make something worthwhile emerge, using all the skills I’ve learnt in the last eighteen months.ย No massive plan, just taking an idea I’ve loved for decades, and putting my unique spin on it. Therefore, yesterday, Provocatrix was born. It’s pretty much at the ‘I’m writing this for you stage’ too, and there’s already an ending.

Key to the success of this narrative is that the key plot hinge has been knocking around for over a year, but my brain had ring-fenced it for another project that would have been totally and utterly wish fulfilment. That’s the key, I think: writing needs to be fun, something you enjoy, the ideas not a chore or a concept you think other people might find interesting.ย If you don’t have fun in the creation, boy does it show.


This isn’t a total about face for me but it is a shift in course. Accepting the shortcomings is normally not as easy (or satisfying) as this has initially turned out to be. Cautious optimism is most definitely the key to progress now but I have the three key protagonists sorted. Who they are and what they do is now their task to show me. I’m looking forward to seeing where we all go, how they react to the narrative’s challenges.

I’m genuinely excited for a long form project, and that’s not happened for some time.

Tell Me on a Sunday

It is amazing how sometimes, saying stuff aloud can release a phenomenal amount of mental pressure. Undoubtedly yesterday was a bit of that, but became more significant as the day went on. What matters to you individually is undoubtedly largely irrelevant to everybody else, until it becomes apparent how much everybody else has touched you individually. I’ve been hugely influenced by my environment, and it shows.

It is high time I reassessed my priorities.

I suspect it is because of the trolling suffered online and the default of saying what I see that there’s been a reticence to fully engage with people over anything personal. That’s now going to change. It is high time I reclaimed the scorched earth. We’re gonna cover it with recycled items of clothing, never fitting properly before engaging mad bastid exercise mode.ย It’s not been mentioned yet: savings have been used to send me on a busman’s holiday in July, first time in nearly 20 years I’ve gone anywhere alone.

There is an awful lot to look forward too, no reason why the past needs to keep dragging present out of focus.


It’s accidentally the Easter holidays too: I’d assumed that the kids were off this Friday coming, and not the last one gone. It’s the first time for a couple of years a holiday startย  have caught me on the hop, which undoubtedly has a lot to do with the other things in play. No matter: suddenly I have two weeks (and a bit) in order to recover from the first bit of the year and get myself ready for the next bit.

Today, there’s tons to do. Let’s get started.

Learn to Let Go

I have been criticised by certain people, over the years, in relation to a need to know who is no longer following on Twitter. The reason why it matters, as much as it inevitably does, is that I don’t just press buttons and let anyone into my feed. A fair bit of research takes place before that happens. Inevitably, as numbers now fall (mostly at my own behest, it has to be said) there’s the realisation that lots of people are a lot less intelligent than they’d originally been given credit for.

However, of late, it is inescapable that even the idiots are learning how to curate better.


I am continually staggered at how many people followed me because they thought it would benefit them personally in some way, through some belief that a shared interest somehow got everybody more views. Growth has never been about who you knew.ย 

The true success stories on my feed (and there are many) have become so due to their own hard work, determination and sheer chutzpah.ย Sure, it helps those people to get thrown across as many feeds as possible, but you need to possess the material that encourages others to do that in the first place. That’s the key. Actual content.

Without it, you have no excuse to be angry no-one is interested.

This month was always going to be hard financially for me. If I was playing a game I pay for six months up front, the expense could probably be justified, but that’s not happened since before Christmas. That cash will now pay for keeping a website open for another year, go towards reprinting my business cards.

There’s a large social gathering that takes place every year that many people will be booking tickets for soon, where tens of thousands of dollars is spent in very obvious consumption activities. I would never dream of telling people what they do with their cash, but this year, I’m not watching that happen.

Once upon a time this was depressing to watch, now it just makes me angry.


Then, this week, I had an epiphany.ย A good friend of mine suggested that maybe, if something wasn’t making you happy, it might be an idea to just stop doing it. When I agreed with her, and argued that the problem wasn’t ever the thing causing upset but how we as individuals react to it, someone very notable upped and left my feed.

This person was the last remaining member of a group of individuals which I was desperate to join, before making the fatal mistake of pissing off the girlfriend of their peer group with my attitude. Ironically, had those circumstances been different, I wouldn’t be here now. By blocking that desire, they forced me down another road, which ultimately not only has provided massive personal and mental salvation but is now reaping significant other rewards.

The only downside, thus far, is that I can’t afford to keep paying money to a game company even though I love their product. The only difference now is that it is impossible to be critical of said game without someone making life a living hell, and that’s now where love isn’t enough any more.

Other people’s anger has driven me away from the game they claim to love.


The ultimate straw however is the fact that my old Twitter handle was hijacked by someone after I dropped it, in what seemed to me like a pretty cruel way of trying to piss me off that I’d not been smart enough to hold onto it. To add insult to injury, when I called this person out for doing so they almost too politely removed all the previous content and left a polite message telling people to go look for me at my new handles.

Not only is this creepy beyond belief, that person (who clearly thought they were doing me a favour) has been the catalyst to convince me I NEVER want to tell people where to find me in a public game ever again. By remaining anonymous, and acting in the manner of an online stalker, any desire to be associated with such negative behaviour has been comprehensively destroyed.

Angry need to be dealt with, and I won’t do that playing online.


The only thing I care about right now is honesty: if you can’t be up front and truthful, it is just hurtful. If you leave without saying goodbye or an explanation, a block is what you get. It is time to look after my mental health above everything else and the last couple of weeks has just gone to show just how selfish and arrogant other people can be when all that matters is their own desires above everything else.

It is tiring enough right now, without inviting stupidity. However well-meaning you might think you are, ultimately, it isn’t if you frighten people and assume you know better, when you don’t.ย Anger, like everything else, allows positives to emerge from negativity. You just need to stop and give yourself the opportunity to do so objectively.

The main one I’ll take from the last month is that the people who really care are the ones who tell you without fear, and are not afraid to be critical of your actions regardless. They are the true friends: most are enjoying themselves far too much to complain online, or simply do other stuff when they get bored than moan about being bored online. That’s the key.

My problem is I’ve forgotten how to enjoy myself anywhere.