Justified and Ancient

Yesterday, with minimal fanfare, The KLF released their most famous songs onto streaming services and YouTube. No longer will I have to keep Apple Music well away from my MP3’s and, finally there are versions of classics on an OFFICIAL KLF YouTube Channel…

Of course, there’s a shedtonne of fan-based stuff all over everywhere for these boys and their output, which was the definition of Proper Bonkers back in the day. I’m not going to spoil any of it for you but seriously, go read a biography or two of their lifespan and what they’ve achieved as performance artists, because legitimately being able to burn a million quid without compunction is worth the admission price alone.

Yesterday I also started an exercise plan that will see me record something for the entire 365 days of the year. Most of this is likely to be on a static bike, but until Gyms are open in my area again (which at this rate, let’s face it, could be May) there does need to be an upper body component that’s self-generated. 30 push-ups a day is now academic in groups of 10, now I need to be able to do them without a break. That’s the next task on the list, after which we’ll add some. Right now however, I am genuinely feeling the upper body workout from yesterday, which says to me that Good Work [TM] was done overall.

Also, I have streaks going in various places. It’s time to try and be on the giant wrecking ball with a single finger aloft, as opposed to being hit by it.

We have totally got this.

Patience

For the longest time, all I have ever done is move my life around. The same shit, identical groups of things, rearranged from place to place without a goal. Two days ago, all that changed. Some would have waited for a new year in order to triumph this as some glorious, orchestrated start, but I’m tired of that bollocks, so very annoyed and angry at anyone who uses their existence as a lifestyle brand or the means by which people care about their social media. So, I threw things away, in some cases for the first time since my teens.

Nobody expects you to be a living history. In many cases, the weight of that baggage crushes your soul to a point where it is difficult to discern a consistent identity. Only through the process of poetry, over the past three years, has this fact become clear to a brain that was increasingly distracted by other people’s idea of what was good for me. Coming out of my husband and son’s Covid infections, it is clear how we create versions of reality with which to assuage terrors that are often never really confronted. In my case, 2021 will be where a combination of philosophy and dance music sets me free.

It is time to properly put certain timelines to rest.

I am, undoubtedly, in the best shape of my life. The resilience worked for will remain in place. There will be a return to places lost and forgotten, due to fear and disbelief. There needs to be a reinvention that isn’t because it looks good or someone else decided that was a ‘good’ idea. The only books read this year should be those that challenge my mindset… whilst creatively, everything is in flux. Blogging remains a consistently decent means by which the World is rationalised and summarily understood, so we’ll shove our face to the words for a bit and see where everything goes.

Then, when this is done, I’ll get on a static bike and then lift some weights.

There is no need to change that which already grants me strength.

Harmonium

Sometimes, it isn’t about the right thing, it’s just ANYTHING. Yes, of course you want to move forward and get better, but simultaneously everything is hard and painful and often just easier to rationalise your way out of. I spent most of December convinced the next day would be the one I got sick. With two days to go, my left foot/ankle has begun to spasm, there’s a sore point behind my left kneecap and these things previously would have sent me into meltdown. Now, frankly, I don’t fucking care.

This is a space between different people. The woman who existed before my husband’s positive test, on the back of the eldest testing positive too was really, truthfully, not nearly brutal or ruthless enough. This woman knows what needs to happen for the tide to turn. How you view the world is absolutely key. It’s the difference between 40 km and 100 km, when there’re easier means to do both than the ways you initially thought were, in the main, intractable.

It’s the difference between capable and assertive.

How I look and how I feel are now two distinct, separate beasts. When I’m done here I’m going upstairs to throw quite a lot of stuff away for good. There kept being this promise it would happen, but it never did, because the part of me remained that thought what was needed was to fit back into the lives I left behind, instead of burning them to ash. This was never about going back to where it all began, either. This should always have been a push away, as far as possible from what is still there, taunting and being generally unhelpful.

Really, truthfully, everything needs to burn, this time for good.

There are plenty of matches.

The End

Today, I began an eight-day cycling challenge. I’ve got to do 500km by New Year’s Eve.

Welcome to the new routine.

Nobody is making me do this. It’s not a challenge. It’s also, crucially, nothing to do with Red January, which I am now debating skipping this year. The reason for that is fairly complicated, and we’ll talk about it more as time goes on. This year, it transpires, I need to do some stuff for myself. Nearly £2000 for mental health charities has been raised in the last few years. 2021 will be different, and many people apart from us need to keep their cash.

This is also the fittest I have EVER been. Mentally, however, I am struggling, and therefore it is the right moment to regroup. We’ll use the exercise as therapy over the next week, and come back to you.

Beyond Earth

I’ve spent today reorganising Patreon tiers. Tomorrow everybody gets stuff a bit cheaper, and I add some new things to the mix. I have an editing deadline of Christmas Eve for my NaNo, which should be eminently doable. There’s a list of exercise targets to hit. Most importantly, I’m learning to meditate. It’s already having an impact, and I now grasp completely why it doesn’t work for everybody.

Starting tomorrow, we’ll get more into what’s going to change for 2021.

Again, from the Top

Please forgive me, it has been 17 days since my last blog.

Since then, two members of the household have tested positive for Covid, and are now recovering. I’ve discovered my brother is an asymptomatic carrier. I managed one day in the Gym after isolation, and now I won’t get another one for possibly months.

Time that lots of shit got changed.

Black Hole Sun

An hour after finish, it must be said I am in a better state than yesterday. However, fact remains it is oddly surreal how people with no mental health issues are taught to deal with those who have. Also, having been ‘trained’ a fair bit across the Pandemic, it is becoming increasingly apparent who the Good Guys are. My trainer’s fucking heroic.

Starting Monday, time for a brand refresh.

Absent Friends

This is the lightest I have been mentally for probably fifteen years. It has a lot to do with not playing a particular game on release, I realised yesterday, that the tyranny of being part of something no longer wanted has finally been put to rest. After that, it’s stepping away from an obsessive need to create, because it was, as a coping mechanism.

There is now acceptance there needs to be a game to fill that gap, that I miss playing generally, because that was another coping mechanism. There is also absolutely the understanding there needs to be more friends too. How all this stuff is fixed remains a largely nebulous concept, because you can’t have all the answers instantly and that’s the point.

Lots to do, let’s crack on.

Bombs Away

I’m not even close to being done, but today there are other priorities, so I’m going to fix them first. Then I have a ton of tidying to do.

I’ll be with you at more length on Wednesday <3