Who Am I Now?

I do not know, not for certain. Before I could have given you a decent idea of what it meant, not now when so many things are so delicate they could disintegrate, dry enough to spontaneously combust. Three days into the changes to work and output, it all looks pretty doable, but there’s only so much that can be achieved when you’re not really confident of what supports the change.

Trying to write about yourself when you’ve drained a lot of that away using video is also a significant ask. I was overreaching when the mental health newsletter started. It’s impossible to be the spokesperson when you’re not confident of the speech to begin with. Right now therefore we’ll be adopting a holding pattern and playing a phenomenal amount of Solitaire. There’s not even the space available to game properly right now.

If you’re reading this right now, come find me on Twitter please and give me a hug. Thank you.

Praying for Time

Those of you paying attention will notice I had a week off. I can’t do this full on any more, and knowing why is half the battle, and that’s the reason we have an assessment with a mental health professional in two weeks. Deep down, I’m pretty sure I know what the problem is. This time, someone else can come to that conclusion as well, and once it’s done, we can get on with coping.

As a result, a lot of stuff will alter starting today. I needed a week to get my head around everything as a result, and actually its gone very well. I also give blood for the first time in a while today, so that means taking it easy tomorrow, which is useful because I have planned a fucktonne of stuff to get through. There’s an Open Mic this week, and I’m helping out some final year University students in town with a project, so it’s not like I don’t have anything else to do with my time.

Needless to say, if you notice a change, I’m doing it right.

Friday

We made it to Friday again. WELL DONE EVERYBODY.

There is major upheaval coming, and I am ready. In every life there must be change, after all, and at least by knowing well in advance there is no excuse to go into things unprepared. It will require some serious organizational acumen too. I reckon I’m up to the task.

We’ve been at the #Instaverse for a month, and nothing will be the same again.

Thank fuck for that.

Embarrassment

It’s good to know absolutely nothing has changed for certain people in Lockdown. I have form with the woman mentioned in this Thread, and possess a far longer memory than she clearly does. I’ll have my revenge, but for now it’s more important doing the work than it is complaining about the surroundings. You can’t have everything, after all.

Yet again, the Patreon course is the gift that keeps on giving. I wanted summat inspirational, and as non-cheesy as possible and this is perfect. Plus it’s comprehensive proof I’m not the Product. You have to turn up and do the work with me going forward. That’s the plan. Gonna be interesting to see how many more people do that, but two new Patrons this month is indeed a start.

Also, I am INSANELY proud of this idea. No, really, the best thing I’ve made for I do not know how long.

You don’t just have to have one job.

Waves

I’m not on Twitter today.

Back in the days when I was a Warcraft player, we had a Scandinavian tank called Than. He was an ex-Army officer, and one of the most capable people ever played with during the entirety of my time in Azeroth. I learnt a phenomenal amount from him, including the importance of principle in being the best human being you could manage, within your time and circumstance.

One day, shortly after we’d managed to beat Karazhan in the Burning Crusade, he left. No goodbyes, no warning and that was it. He’d mentioned this to me a few weeks previously, that sometimes the best way to move on is to just cut the cord and vanish, and I am reminded of him this morning for that reason alone. He needed to move on with his life. The game, as had been the case for so many people, was a distraction.

It was preventing him from what needed to happen more than playing.

Someone has emailed me this morning and called me an idiot for sticking to principle. ‘The only person who loses by you not being on Twitter is you: its your advertising platform, why boycott it?’ There will be absolutely no discernable effect of my action, and I’ll look like an idiot. Once upon a time, I would have believed this, until the concept registered that when someone else is offended by your actions, that’s their issue and not yours. The fact remains: if everyone moved as a unit, Twitter would be affected. The fact they won’t is the bigger issue now.

Those people responsible for abuse on Twitter are protected because their use as product now supersedes the trouble they cause with abuse. The onus is placed on victims to do the work, exactly as it is in reality, and this is how the patriarchy maintain their superiority. It’s how they ignore systematic racism, try and erase transgender rights and visibility, and maintain a status quo that is no longer fit for purpose. I used lots of words that will scare my e-mail creator for a reason. If, as a man, you’re not supporting feminism right now, you are part of the problem.

Sticking to my principles is more important than appeasing those only interested in what they want from me.

This week, I worked out who I am. Of course, I knew who I was before this point, but the crucial difference between Monday and now is the understanding that not only is this the right path, but I’ve already passed my original destination. What’s happening now is the path to success, and that means that the people on Twitter who are impressed at what I’ve done, and who are the ones I really need listening to me have already taken notice. What I’ve gained this week is the ability to see myself objectively for the first time in over thirty years.

There are other people boycotting today. They, undoubtedly will be disappointed at the number of people unable to disconnect from social media. I believe this shows that mental health issues right now matter more than sacrificing the ability to communicate, and that’s a crucial point that will be overlooked by many people. I’m on it. There is a plan and I intend to see if a difference can be made because of it. Having a day away from distraction has cleared my mind and helped me focus on the task in hand.

My principles have become the means by which I move my life forward.

In the end, its what you do that defines your life. That means doing what’s right, and this is.

Stuck in the Middle with You

The dentistry is done, but I am mentally fried. Stress does different things to people, for me there’s this rapid inability to be capable of anything except middle-distance staring and comfort eating. Right now both are largely under control, but a lot is left of the day to work with. Praise the Deities for more PopChips Corn Chips, is all I’m saying.

This afternoon I’ll attempt to get to grips with the next part of my Free Marketing Course Journey. Before that I need to write thank you letters to the three ladies that I worked with yesterday who were all unbelievably kind, and who are all light years ahead of me in terms of achievement and personal progress. Instead of letting Imposter Syndrome consume me, I’m going to try and get constructive results from what I have.

If I get through today intact, I will be happy.

And So It Goes

This is gonna be a tough week. It has tooth extraction in the middle of it for my daughter, and external PT at either end. I need to finally knuckle down and start eating better, and today was a decent start to that plan. On top of all of this is the realization that I have probably failed to be taken seriously again as a poet in a bunch of new places. However, the work is undoubtedly improving and that is never a bad thing.

EVERYTHING is going to hurt tomorrow, but I also have a new set of weights arriving, allowing me to do a lot more work at home. With no idea whether normalcy is coming or will indeed be staying, it seems like a good idea to finally be prepared, and it will be lovely to be able to do some proper exercise away from the Gym. In the end, it’s all future-proofing. I wish I’d been organized enough to do this a year ago.

There is plenty to do to keep me busy. All I can do now is wait.

Tomorrow Never Knows

Lines 11-14 are fucking genius. Yes, I can big myself up like this, it is perfectly acceptable. In fact, I should be doing it far more often than is currently the case. I also know there would be certain poets who’d not want to post this because a bit of it one day might make them money. Honestly, I’ve had enough of this shit. I write because I love it, and it makes me happy, and honestly everything else is a bonus. If you wanna take part, there are plenty of places where you can go and give me money. They’re all there, it’s just hard to do that right now. It’s okay. I understand.

I won’t forget a single person who stood behind me at the start. I know who all of you are. Thank you.

The Day Before You Came

It’s the time of month when I change over the WiP page. This month, a lot has changed. Trouble is, because none of it has made any money or has made me famous yet, most people don’t care. I don’t want most people as part of my life, and as it transpires therefore all of this is massive, stupendous progress.

Can’t help but think I’m on the cusp of something significant. Not moneymaking or fame-creating.

Properly significant.

Back for Good

The loss of Popchips Corn Chips was akin to the loss of a much loved jumper or a favourite pair of leggings. Somewhere between Lockdown Start 2020 and Christmas, someone in Popchips HQ clearly looked at what sold and discovered this snack was not it. The company decided to throw their lot simply into making air-fried potato chips instead, which are poor imitations of this snack’s clear superiority. I even asked them on Social media, right out, what had happened and they were honest. No more corn, just potato.

I was gutted, not gonna lie.

Then, I discovered somewhere that was still selling them…

I’ve tried a number of substitutes for this snack, and I had settled on an alternative, though it must be said that Snack a Jacks are really inferior pretenders, but sometimes you just have to accept that your favourite thing is no more. Except, if there is one box of 36 bags out there that costs me less than a pack of cigarettes? There will be others, and if they don’t expire until November 2021? OH YOU BET MY SIZEABLE ARSE I will be tracking them down and putting them into storage. There’s not much in this world I love, after all. This is pretty high up the list.

There will be further investigation into what’s out there, and I will be buying them, OH YES…