Run for Home

I’m still not right. I’m now taking this as similar to how it works when I give blood, and I REALLY need a lie in tomorrow, so that can happen and there’ll be no stress about anything else. Once I’ve written this I’ll go run my last 10 and a bit km for the 300 since Jan 1st, and wait for the reward cake. Fortunately it’s Easter next week. I have provisioned the extra calories. Everything will be alright, and I will have comprehensively proved my ability to work to a deadline, under budget. Really, it’s all win here… except the four rejections in four days. They can fuck right off.

What has been learnt in the last twelve weeks far outweighs the benefit of the exercise, when looked at objectively. Having a medal to aim for really did help, but honestly, this is not why it happened. In the end, it was about proving that other people don’t own you. You’ll do the dance, nod to the room, but they don’t get the motivation. Assuming you are there to beat other people is a waste of everybody’s time. In the end, this is another contest against yourself.

This has been one of the most significant weeks in my professional career for quite some time.

Design for Life

It’s odd, isn’t it. You spend about a year being convinced you’re gonna die from COVID, that at some point, however hard you try, there’s going to be a moment where it just happens, and then half your family get infected, but you don’t, and then you willingly allow someone to inject a synthetic version into your body so that you can live a normal life, except you know full well there will never be any normal like it was ever again.

Mentally, this is a significant mindfuck. I don’t care how you dress it up. To sit here as I do now, as if the world just stopped feeling as if it is properly glued together, is reasonably fair by current standards. Watching the stream of people going in and out of the surgery this morning, exactly regimented and reassuringly average, you’d be hard-pressed to know anything had even happened in the last year. The only discerning common factor was masks. Everything else was instantly forgettable. This is not how it should be, but that’s where we are.

I am very, VERY angry, still: it’s there, sitting just beyond my field of vision. Yesterday it showed me just how destructive it could be, and although it was managed, I need to do something better with it than pretend it doesn’t exist. I sense a PHENOMENAL amount of exercise coming up, just to try and wring it out of me, to make exhaustion feed on it to keep me going. People had better not fucking forget what was lost on the way to their supposed salvation.

They really had better not forget the lives that no longer exist because of other people’s fucking greed.


No, really, it is. Not sure how long this will last, but the idea is to make the most of it.

When I suggested this last week, some lovely and well-meaning people attempted to steer me away. I appreciate the thought, really do, but I’m a big girl now and sometimes principle beats everything else. Those people who are tired of the same arguments are allowed to be so without redress. I am tired of the same fucking excuses that social media gives to forgive bad behaviour. It needs to stop. People can’t keep shitting where they sleep. Well, they can, but we’re all gonna die if they do.

Lot going on this weekend. Can’t wait.


We have two new features on the Work Twitter: #instaverse and #bedtimehaiku. Like most things right now, I’m trying them on to see if they fit, how the ideas feel around me, and honestly this is a winner. Occasionally a great poem needs to go to the Twitters and not get saved for submission. What else is promotion other than your best work? There needs to be a precise belief of your ability first, sure, but after that it is about taking the chance. This will become a video, I think. It will need the correct accompaniment. I have an idea.

After that, it is just the continued thrashing around in the virtual darkness with few if any signs that the World gives a fuck.

I take it as a good sign that the bloke who posted this was listening and clearly felt strongly enough to ‘like’ the irony. All the clever and smart people giving it all that in the replies, and nobody points out the bleeding obvious. Yes, this has always been a popularity contest, but right now the need to be heard and, more crucially responded to is becoming a bit of an issue. I unfollowed someone yesterday when it became apparent that their ideas and mine did not really match at all. Then I unfollowed someone else whose content I really liked, but they weren’t here to listen. I suspect there will be a fair deal of this behaviour going forward.

There’s a tipping point you reach when it becomes apparent only certain people get how this is supposed to work.

Last night I didn’t ignore something I might previously have, and significantly altered my world for the better. Sometimes you are the problem and the solution. It pays to pay attention, even when you’re ‘tired’. Yesterday was undoubtedly a watershed for so many things. It’s taken a year to get some stuff sorted in my head. Now that’s finally done and dusted, we can continue.

Playtime’s over, kids.

A Whole New World

Been an interesting weekend, all told. The irony of how much money I’ve spent over the years to try and pull in this amount of reach, and then it happens without even trying, is absolutely not lost on me. The timing is also more fortuitous than I first grasped, but that’s often the way these things work. Someone popped up and told me that they’d left the party because of their stance on sex-based rights, and if the Fates had not been utterly aligned before, they were then. Also, been mansplained twice, but you can’t have everything ^^

This week, therefore, is about mental health before physical health, because DEITIES GRASP that right now, the former’s a bigger issue than the latter. That means I’ve just signed up to do the Vitality 10,000 which is 10km which gets me a medal and a shirt. It costs me 19 quid for this, and I suspect my PT (who suggested it) thinks it will inspire me. It doesn’t. It’s what I’m doing four times a week right now, it’s part of my life. It’s another badge that is great to say I’ve earned, but doesn’t matter nearly as much as being told my writing is good.

It’s the things that money can’t buy that really matter most, did you not know this?

The Crying Game

The thing is, it IS all men. All this shit has been normalized to a point where this is the future that everybody Normal [TM] wants, where you know exactly what a woman is so if you flirt with you won’t get traumatized when you discover that maybe they aren’t what you thought they were. Forget their trauma, that’s irrelevant. This is all about you.

The Vengeful Left are out to get you all, Richard Littlejon says so. Except, in the end, all they want is change, and all the Benevolent Right wants is for nothing in their lives to change at all. There’s a problem with that, of course. The planet’s on fire, and nobody’s made anything for a while, and everything is a bit of a mess so, like it or not, Change is Inevitable.

This has been coming for a while. It’s not going away. It is time to pick your side, and dig in for the fight ahead because, like it or not, that is where we are. I know which side I’m on, and it’s time you did too, because there will be no prisoners here. That’s the point. One side isn’t interested in a fair and balanced view. One side isn’t bothered about anything other than themselves, their money and their position of power, or they wouldn’t have been siphoning off your IP’s on the quiet to track your viewing history.

All those people who thought we needed a good war? One’s on the way.

This time, it will be your rights and freedoms that could vanish without a trace.

Ah, that terrible left wing bias that even the Labour Party’s now trying to distance itself from because it feels there’s no other way to get in power otherwise.

What a time to be alive, eh?


Been a high stress week. Not *quite* over yet, one more Thing tomorrow and then notionally I can relax. Monday was HARD. However, we’re still here, and everything is still happening. I’ve not failed yet, though I did step back from an FTP Test last night because I’d have gone backwards, and that will never do. A lot of my personal stuff is being discussed in videos for Patreon right now, which is part of the problem, such as it is. I wonder if I’d like to do that long term and then realize that once a week is MORE than enough.

Anyway, where are we today?

Basically, nothing changes until the World does. Stuff like this is a good start. It does make you think there could be possibility. It’s whether enough people support the cause. When someone doesn’t know they’re gaslighting someone else, when abuse becomes acceptable, when people’s feelings become irrelevant… these are tough times. You just gotta hope the good people shine though. You really do.

The Good Ones are out there.

All the Small Things

Yeah, that’ll be a second newsletter, then. You make choices based on what you feel is best for your ‘brand’ when all is said and done, and This is the Way. No escaping the inevitability of not dissing every new thing that comes along and actually embracing a few. Just as long as it isn’t Instagram or Facebook, I’m happy. So, we have options, and a plan. We hit the Tier 1 Sub level, and it all changes. We’ll see where it ends. That’s all I can do, and it gives me options.

I think the Gaming strand could have legs, but this is only Wednesday. We’ll see.

A lot’s going on tomorrow too, and I’ll probably be working all weekend, which is a pain but a necessary consequence of my daughter returning to school next week. I’ve also got some actual weights here today too which is a real bonus for me preparing to go back to the Gym…

I might just go do my weights session now, if truth be told… no, let’s edit my video first…


Change is inevitable. However much you fight against it, the world’s doing stuff you can’t control. When this happens, a proper guard is essential or else someone will come in and bloody your nose. So, there’s a choice: do you just keep flailing, or is it time to defend yourself? Having spent far too many years attacking anything that I thought remotely was a threat, it’s time to be more sensible, thoughtful. Everybody’s waving carrots around but very few of these surrounding followers are hungry. That’s fine. It’s time to find those who are.

It’s the moment to accept that very few people I know actually listen to anything I say.

It’s okay, and yes, that’s absolutely a criticism. If you’re following me on Social media, why are you here otherwise? The entire point of it being ‘social’ is just that, except as human beings we can only manage about 150 meaningful relationships, with probably 5 BFF’s within that. However, that’s a pathetically small follower number. We all know social media’s abut finding monsters to point at and deride, and newspapers are beginning to work out that if they want people to access their paywalls, any publicity is good, even their own journalists pretending they’re the enemy.

Everybody’s on the take. That’s the game. If you’re not paying, you’re the product… except now, the lines are being more clearly defined. Without that precise delineation, it’s hard for people to know what they are actually paying for and as Facebook becomes more aberrant, and trust me it really is possible, other providers are gonna step up and just give people what they want, and if they have the reach, Facebook could and and might yet die. The next couple of years will be crucial. Australia is already showing what happens, and their climbdown so fast is a warning to everyone. We need robust government to make the changes, but not TOO robust or everybody suffers.

Let’s see how that goes.

There are a lot of catch-up mechanics in play right now. My Pokemon Game’s realized that the problem with having six expansions in play at once is that people who missed the start won’t keep playing if you don’t provide an opportunity for them to collect the old stuff. So, we’re getting weekends of retro content. Twitter know they’re missing a trick by not providing a sub service when they can cream off a percentage of the fees as an alternative to advertising. Everybody’s out to make money, and suddenly being free will become a selling point. I hope you’re making notes here, there’s a lot to keep up with.

What matters more than anything else is being flexible, and knowing that sometimes you don’t charge. Exposure is a dirty word for a lot of people, because yes you should absolutely be paid for what you do, but there are points where not doing so isn’t an advantage taken or a moment lost. Knowing when you ask, or when you can insist, is as important as knowing when to offer as a courtesy. In fact, it’s becoming its own saleable commodity. If I got offered the support slot to open for two big-name poets, I’d ask them what they’re being paid and then negotiate accordingly.

The key is to be honest to yourself before you worry about anyone else.

The Sound of the Suburbs

Told you I’d be back, and yes this morning was just Stress à la Mode. Things that are bad enough without a Pandemic, just with added pandemic, and getting a 15-year-old motivated before 8am. All of this is now DUN. I have caffeinated and had chocolate and really, no excuse to not just run down the rest of the hill until Friday. There is a lot of negativity and anger I could write about too, but fuck that. Really, had enough of being dragged down by other people’s versions of reality.

Time to do shit differently.

A PHENOMENAL amount of content has been submitted this month. Very little is new, as it transpires, most of the work being existing content, repurposed, except there’s been some portions that have really vexed me. Selling yourself is hard work. I won’t know for some time if any of this was worthwhile or not either, which makes it even worse. For now, all I can do is hope for the best and that something hits the target. I understand why the rules exist, and why it is important to follow them. It doesn’t mean however they’re either a) correct all the time or b) applicable to everything.

I am reminded of the number of times whilst writing before this point where other people turned up with their own drama, but decided to make things my fault. What is done here is my business, if you’re offended it’s your problem and not mine. Similarly, if I complain about something, it is with the knowledge that my ability to alter that is largely dependent on how much of the thing there remains personal influence over. Moaning about other people’s entry criteria is pointless. If they only want a certain type of person in their club/spending their money/promoted in their brand, however good you are is irrelevant. If you don’t fit, that’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Except, increasingly that’s no longer true.

Once you tick the standards box, and the content box, it is down to how your shit will sell. It’s that Hollywood staple, that once one person’s making a disaster film they’ll all do one to cash in on the other. It’s how repetition becomes a joke, after a while. New stuff is both edgy and inherently dangerous. Except, if truth be told, most people wanna retell old stories with their ideas of appropriate protagonists. It makes sense, because then everybody understands the motivation, and it can all then come down to your syntax and execution. Originality is becoming very hard to find.

The best I can hope for, ideally, is my own voice being heard and appreciated. That’s where we’re going to start, and then we’ll see how things go from there. Everything else, like it or not, depends too much on other people. At least here, that will never be a problem.