The Gift

It took me a while to work out why I couldn’t share a Tweet from my personal account any more: it’s because I’ve locked it. It won’t exist on Monday anyway: I finally cut the chord and have decided to shut it down. I know I’ll lose over 2500 followers but honestly, when I interact with probably 150 of those on a regular basis (and nearly 100 have followed me to the new account) it’s not a loss. The people paying attention know I’m off, and I’ve messaged the rest.

It’s the necessary next step in personal evolution.

Yes, there will inevitably be casualties, but this is the moment to grasp that if this matters enough to people, they’ll come and find me. I cannot keep track of everything, and never could really with two ‘main’ accounts on the go simultaneously so, in the end, it was easier to make the choice. It’s not a personal sleight that I’ve ignored or forgotten people, and I hope they’ll understand that. Some will undoubtedly not understand why I’d trash a following on principle.

Those people I’m probably better off not following any more anyway.

Needless to say, starting on the first, an awful lot of stuff is gone for good.

Russian Roulette

It’s been a Week when blogging got sidelined for poetry performance and mental health. Both are important, but it needs to be said that I enjoy this, that the blog must never be ignored in my spaces of personal significance. Without these words, there would be no poetry. This was the true sandpit, where the ideas were first played with. Without it, there would be no me. I need to find ways to make this space and others relevant again. We’ll work on it.

I have the beginnings of a Set List. This is really important, and the two poems are different sides of the mental health coin for me. I tried out a poem last night that I know is really strong, and so it’s going to get entered for a Thing as a result. I doubt it will win, but I’ll never know if I don’t try. All of this is experimentation, after all, but increasingly is the realization people like me, as a person, as well as the work. That’s going to take some time to get used to.

One day.

The Motor

It’s that moment when you realize that, actually, these people aren’t actually your friends, they are just Mutuals being polite because if they WERE your friends they’d have worked out how fucked you are right now and will have reached out and offered to help. It’s the comprehension that you are running at a different frequency to everybody else: mostly just out of their field of vision, undoubtedly over their range of hearing.

It’s the time to be polite and let people know what’s going on, whilst accepting most of them won’t even fucking notice anyway. Those who do understand that this isn’t like the other times either, she’s not doing it for attention but actually quite the opposite. She doesn’t need you to agree with her any more either. This is not about a fan club. It’s the realization this voice in her head is NEVER going away and that the cadence has existed for a very long time indeed.

It’s all here, like it’s always been for the entirety of my life but only now do I have the physical strength to mentally manage that workload. Six years to get tough enough. Absolutely worth the effort, and it’s not like I’m going to stop here either. The next twenty-four hours is gonna feel like a month, but on the other side is progress. That prolific work rate should have been the red flag a lot sooner, but it’s okay now, we’ve got this. The problem comes when people do actually start listening… but really, after all this time…

Is anyone really that bothered except me?

Back for Good

The loss of Popchips Corn Chips was akin to the loss of a much loved jumper or a favourite pair of leggings. Somewhere between Lockdown Start 2020 and Christmas, someone in Popchips HQ clearly looked at what sold and discovered this snack was not it. The company decided to throw their lot simply into making air-fried potato chips instead, which are poor imitations of this snack’s clear superiority. I even asked them on Social media, right out, what had happened and they were honest. No more corn, just potato.

I was gutted, not gonna lie.

Then, I discovered somewhere that was still selling them…

I’ve tried a number of substitutes for this snack, and I had settled on an alternative, though it must be said that Snack a Jacks are really inferior pretenders, but sometimes you just have to accept that your favourite thing is no more. Except, if there is one box of 36 bags out there that costs me less than a pack of cigarettes? There will be others, and if they don’t expire until November 2021? OH YOU BET MY SIZEABLE ARSE I will be tracking them down and putting them into storage. There’s not much in this world I love, after all. This is pretty high up the list.

There will be further investigation into what’s out there, and I will be buying them, OH YES…

Stop

No, really, it is. Not sure how long this will last, but the idea is to make the most of it.

When I suggested this last week, some lovely and well-meaning people attempted to steer me away. I appreciate the thought, really do, but I’m a big girl now and sometimes principle beats everything else. Those people who are tired of the same arguments are allowed to be so without redress. I am tired of the same fucking excuses that social media gives to forgive bad behaviour. It needs to stop. People can’t keep shitting where they sleep. Well, they can, but we’re all gonna die if they do.

Lot going on this weekend. Can’t wait.

Respect

‘Run’ is a broad term. My times will tell a seasoned runner that, a lot of the time, this is a pseudo jog, or a very fast-paced walk. They know what their splits are, where weaknesses lie. I’m here, right now, trying to breathe from my diaphragm and not pass out. This is about betterment and empowerment in ten second improvements. However, in the next week we’re gonna open the throttle a bit and see what we can do.

My best 5km is 46:27. I reckon 30 seconds off that’s doable on this new course I have organized for myself. So, the first part of this is a sub 46 minute result. The second set is endurance and practising active recovery over distance. That means seeing if 15km is doable tomorrow. It should be, with a route pre-planned. Gonna be the warmest day of the year so far as well, so…

Only one way to find out.

Wondrous Stories

Feedback is the best thing in the world. Even the bad stuff is good, you know. It means someone is reading your work. That’s the key, it’s why word of mouth on The Socials is so important. When you get trolled, and we all do, it’s still a good thing because, like it or not, you have distracted someone enough from their own lives to come and interact with yours and THIS is the Elixir of Life. You don’t need gold-plated toilets and armed militia at your disposal. All that shit the Ex_President pulled, deep down, was because he never got enough love as a kid.

Don’t @ me either. You either get it, or you don’t.

The great thing about the unprompted comment above however is the choices that have now been validated as a result of it. 2021 was all about making things easier to do. That means that the first few months of short stories are interconnected and, if I go this as a positive sign in January? It’s time to build on momentum and NOT BLOW IT. The key there, of course, is those three words. I have a sensible, compelling human storyline, Twitter Polls and some online elements to weave into the mix. Hopefully, it’ll get more people interested…

All you can do is your best, when all is said and done. This, fortunately for me right now, is just that.

Fear

Have decided to do what I said I wasn’t going to do and publish myself on video to YouTube. It’s another tiny step outside the comfort zone [TM] and as I already know the worst that could happen, there’s very little left to lose. I’ve not had a new Patreon sign-up for months, so stuff needs to change. If I get one new person as a sub, it was worth it. That’s the tiny benchmark that needs to be attained. One new Patreon Sub.

It worries me that those surrounding me have little interest in what I do. It makes me wonder why they follow in the first place. When you ask, the answers are always wrapped around how interesting I am or thought-provoking, yet that is not enough to make them take part. There is the very real understanding, of course, that I have chased true fans away in the past, because that level of devotion I found worrying, and in some cases actually frightening. Finding a balance is a tough ask.

This is as much about me as it is them.

Comfort zones are hard things to break free of. If life’s good enough, especially in the current climate, why on earth would you want to in the first place? There’s enough fear and loathing in place without intentionally manufacturing any more… but to grow, this is the task. It’s why today 10km outside needs to happen for no other reason than sometimes, the only way things improve is when they hurt. I know this will be painful and difficult and that would once have been enough to prevent any forward motion. Now, it just has to be done.

Also, there could really be better trainers at some point, so yeah, being rich and famous won’t happen without showing my face in this world that is utterly obsessed with looks over stats. Sometimes I wish I was better at things that get you better noticed too. Being as susceptible to jealousy and social avarice as the next human being… all of this is part of the exam syllabus. How you cope, and how you react. Getting five people to follow the YouTube Channel yesterday was the most excitement I’ve had virtually for days.

Fear must be overcome for us to proceed.