Three

Day One of ‘editing my novel that will become a novella’ for two hours each morning went incredibly well. I’ve also inserted PT and a run into the equation, which means other stuff gets written a bit later than normal. It feels comfortable, and eminently doable for the next month. Of course, there isn’t anything else as yet inserted into the schedule on top, so you know… there’s plenty of potential for disaster.


whatiswrong

I was going to write a long, painful and largely pointless treatise today on other people’s drama. Honestly, there is no point in even going there, when everything else that is wrong with the World gets dragged into equal consideration. The easiest thing is just to mute and/or block and just carry on regardless, because I don’t need to see this.

It is clear why drama happens. It makes perfect sense when you grasp how complex the relationships are between people online. However, if there comes a moment when pointing out someone’s fucking stupidity becomes nothing more than petty name-calling or angry recrimination, it is time to go do summat else.

Similarly, if you’re having tremendous difficulty with your lifestyle, knowing when to share and when to shut up is, without doubt, the best lesson you will ever learn.


I promise to be more interesting as the week goes on, but for now this is full-on Organisation Mode…

Honesty

You need to be reading This Third Place. I have ‘rebranded’ my fanzine/chapbook idea for the New Year, and it is going to have a much larger remit. Last night’s info-dump on Arguto has made me think I ought to be working in other places as well as the writing site. I have work, and there is home, but no third outlet. There ought to be a neutral ground, where reality is arrived at without the influence of anything else.

Arguto is about to become something new entirely.


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I have, for the last few years, been all over Christmas by this time. Not in 2018, where other things like sleeping and thinking have taken preference. Tomorrow, that all changes. I know what I’m doing for Christmas gifts, now comes the actual obtaining them bit. This is easy, right? That’s what the Internet is for.


I’ve worked quite hard this week, even with two days off. My bike is currently undergoing repairs. So, we’ll start again tomorrow and see how far we get.

My weight is slowly creeping downwards \o/

If This is It

Looking back on this week, undoubtedly this will be the moment when a particular meme comes back to haunt me:

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A spectacular amount has been accomplished in November, including taking bodies of work produced over the last 18 months and placing them in a setting that is deserving of my efforts. Slowly, but surely, the plan is coming together. On the flip-side, an ability to communicate in my personal life is emerging, kicking and screaming from the burnt remains of previous failure. This is not pleasant; every setback is painful, an upsetting process of reinvention, as is recalled every time a certain room at the Gym gets walked into.

However, undoubtedly, progress is taking place. Typing that enough times does make it real.

The next step is to try and improve my domestic skills. I’m starting basic and realistic, after a couple of false starts, but there are a couple of sure-fire recipes that seems to lend themselves to my neophyte skill-set. Also, it gives something to stick on the Instagram feed, which is now being reinvented after the writing website got an upgrade.

This is my scheduled reminder that every day is a School day.

The Comfort of Strangers

This article appeared at an apposite moment this morning, after a night of Blaze which was, for the first time, questioned as being worthwhile.

I went to Blaze without any kind of body monitoring: Fitbit was left at home, no heart rate belt was borrowed. The freedom this gave was, it must be said, quite considerable, and that’s the first point to make. This class’ main selling point is showing you  EXACTLY how much work you’ve done. I’ve monitored my exercise via heart rate monitors for seven years in January. SEVEN YEARS. I don’t need to know sometimes. It’s just more liberating not having the silent judgement there as an ever-present, waggling finger. If I am only in competition with myself, last night giving my mind a night off was a very sound idea.

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The second point is the notion of ‘enjoyment’: my husband asked last night if the class was fun. No, it wasn’t. I was so tired at the end everything hurt, struggled doing every exercise and even the running/jogging was, quite frankly, horrendous. At the end all that was wanted was sleep, and I couldn’t, because brain frankly refused to ramp down from the stress that was generated. However, this time around, that manifested far less externally and considerably more internally.

So, why bother if this is the result? Well, there’s been an important realisation overnight, meaning I am glad that the effort was made. This isn’t about the exercise, or the heart rate recording, or indeed around the other people that are taking part. Last night’s class was only seven people, and even with the reduction in numbers there was no change in the level of internal panic. This really is about how my brain processes information, and the translation of that into action.

My stress generates from what I’m being asked to do.

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I’ve been taught by three people thus far, all of whom have been informed in advance  about my comprehension issues. They all have been faultless in not only support but encouragement, but all of this is irrelevant. My frustration is the translation of what is seen into what needs to be done, and that it takes so much mental effort to transform that into the associated physical actions. So, this week in Blaze class I learnt that enjoyment may never ever happen if brain takes everything as an exercise in accuracy and perfection.

The biggest problem, it appears, is trying to achieve what subconscious considers as perfect.

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I’m booked for next week, and in the intervening period there’ll be some thought given to how enjoyment can be obtained, or whether it is in fact obtainable at all. The amount I have learnt since this journey was begun has far exceeded expectation, and makes a push out of the comfort zones more than worthwhile. Maybe if this were a younger me there could be the thought of being less harsh on myself… Life has become worth living thanks to the constant reminders just how miserable I was in the days when nothing was ever done that was frightening.

I was the problem, back then. Sure, there’s lots of other stuff that can be blamed, but ultimately had I know realised that it was up to me? We’d not be here at all. So, when you are capable of not only accepting shortcomings, but prepared to push past them… that’s what has to happen. Eventually, if the time is taken to listen to your own mind and soul, there are solutions.

The biggest problem of all, of course, is explaining this rationally to other people.

Beautiful Dreamer

I haven’t yet had my first cuppa of the day, because I donated the last of the milk in the house to my daughter’s morning tea. If there may be a brief pause in which to amend this, that would be smashing.

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I have a few things to cover today, so let’s go.


The current fly in the gaming ointment this morning is that nylon isn’t as cool as canvas. TB yet again is spot on: yes, it’s a lie in the advert unless small print exists somewhere stating ‘items are for representation only, we reserve the right to substitute comparable products without warning.’  No, I don’t care enough about this to do the research, and remain staggered that anybody wants to pay nearly $200 for a video game.

These CE’s are a massive con, and always will be. They rely on companies getting brilliant deals on securing cheap, mass-produced merchandise, shoving on a huge markup and then presenting them as the latest Holy Grail for ‘customers’ to collect. They rely on us as consumers to be seduced by the idea of becoming a ‘true fan’ and therefore needing to own everything related to the game we so love.

It is a foolish woman who would tell anyone how to spend their cash, so I started with my own. Having spent a calendar year looking at how much was spent on such items, it became apparent that if buying ceased, enough could be saved to buy a new car. In the general scheme of things, prioritising purchases in the current climate is a sound financial choice.

Let people enjoy what they like. Standard caveats apply.


teagetmesome

There now follows a short message on how some people creep me right out.

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I don’t come with filters. As someone with ASD, what often happens is that subtlety and subtext from my responses is lacking. The flip-side to this is when people reply to me in a manner that they clearly think is acceptable, but ultimately ends up as crass or demeaning. I can see right through you people. The honest ones, those who are just here to talk and debate and be understanding/supportive are articulate and adult enough not to let their desires and motivations shine through.

The rest of you need to stop being so… well, obvious.

GIVEMETEADAMMIT

Once upon a time I’d be told that it was my imagination, that the middle-aged guys replying to every woman’s lament in their timeline really did just care and wasn’t assuaging their own ego. Now, times have changed. At the weekend I watched someone who not only creeped on me but exploited me in the past get called out for the utter douche-bag that he is. If you do it to enough people, eventually, you will get found out.

If you’re genuinely interested in the people that are followed, start actual conversations. Try not to sound like everything you say is to make you feel better about yourself. Understand that sometimes, if you want to actually be appreciated and noticed, the best way isn’t to make it about you. Learn how to be critical without having to resort to demeaning or irresponsible language. Most importantly of all, if you’re making me feel like you’re creeping every woman you follow, then you probably are.

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Most importantly of all, help yourself. If social media is the place you come to as an escape, or the means to make you feel better about reality, that’s not right. Remember that everybody you follow can watch conversations that go on not just between you and them, but with everybody else too. You might get a bit of a shock when you stand back and see exactly what’s being said across a wider view.

If you’re creeping me out, you have a problem.


Two days until it’s December.

I’d better get on.

Freedom ’90

Life is funny.

If you ask me what has gotten me here, in 52 years of existence, I’m betting only a very few would know the part Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepherd had to play in that process. Moonlighting was an almost vital part of my late teens, and although it is fair to say it has not aged well, its part in my mid 1980’s life was… well, indispensable. This song, and the Billy Joel album it comes from, had been lost from my memory until first thing this morning. Suddenly, it demands another listen.

The lyrics to this song are amazingly apposite as a metaphor for myself.

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When I got to Mulberry Street for the first time the significance of past to present didn’t really register. It’s taken all this intervening time, with exercise and writing, to grasp that an awful lot of my past has been suppressed. The reasoning behind this isn’t a massive surprise, and isn’t the point of this post. I’m here this morning safe in the knowledge that I don’t need to panic. Hard work is it’s own reward, that’s not just one of those stupid things people say because they can’t get the critical notoriety so craved.

Yes, you can change your life to suit your soul’s desire.

I’m also amazed that after thirty two years of not hearing an album the words to every track exist with perfect recall, but I can’t remember the names of any of the people I studied with at either school or college. How exactly does that work?

Decks Dark

My earworm for the day is this trailer music. Cheers, Disney.

Right then, where were we?


#Blogmas is planned. I have 31 Haiku to write, and 25 Christmas GIF to source. Nothing left now but to get on with it, which is what the next four days are about. Also, I need to enter Azeroth for 31 pictures of snowy places. I’d rather be playing Colonization right now, not gonna lie, I have a half finished game from last night that is nagging me for completion. All this stuff as distraction is not good.

Iregreteverything

However, this is undoubtedly the most productive I’ve been since August.

That’s no bad thing.