Bright Eyes

It’s quite nice out. I walked to the Gym (and back) and afterwards did 40 minutes on the bike. My plan, going forward, is to do weights only when it’s not PT and Blaze, and shove all my cardio into the shed. If my maths is correct, that’s at least 700 calories today 2004193

Cycling is most definitely getting easier. The biggest single issue has been the hip injury I’ve been treated for, which still causes a measure of pain when pushed. However, there’s no doubting how things have improved in the last month. As long as I get lots of rest (and yeah, that lack of steps between 2.30 and 3.15 is me having a nap) the recovery is going great guns.

The next question to ask is whether I trust the apps being currently used or not as a judge of how much recovery time should be taken.

I’ll admit to having a sneaky look at my husband’s stats to see how this whole zonal training works out, and there’s also a mindful think about how I’ve struggled with recovery when overdoing things. Everybody is different, and I am a long way away from my husband’s level of stamina. Knowing that, and how my body’s suffering because of the mental demands of the last few weeks, having a nice long walk tomorrow seems like a better way to get my steps/exercise in.

There is a lot to think about in the next week or so. Being physically stronger will help that process enormously.

The Great Escape

Well, here we are at the start of a holiday that normally filled me with dread. Not this time around. Even the scheduled Monday dinner with the parents is not nearly as stressy in advance as was previously the case. We might actually be getting somewhere.

I have a lot of body issues right now. There’s a ton of stuff about being organised and on top of stuff to deal with. I finished Blaze last night and was shattered, then worked out I did harder work in the class before than where it should really have happened. Everything’s a bit arse about face, if truth be told, but the shoots of change are unmistakably there.


The journey right now is comfort: how to I find it, how to keep it, what matters most. Finding a style that suits me, being relaxed in my own skin. All you people who just be and don’t have to stress about stuff like this are unbelievably lucky. Really, you have no idea how amazing this is. ‘Normal’ is often a foreign country, full of people speaking and talking a completely different language.

Finding the comfortable spaces has been ignored for far too long.

The Black Parade

I’m supposed to be taking a Social media break. It’s mostly working.ย Coming back properly on Friday, no issues, but in the interim, some things should be cleared up.


Communication is becoming a significant obstacle for progress: once upon a time, it was okay for people to moan 24/7 in my timeline, I’d just mute them and move on.ย This is no longer an effective coping strategy. As I struggle to improve myself, that constant backwash of selfish muttering needs to be removed, and so I am.ย 

It doesn’t have to be 24/7 positivity either. What matters more than anything else is dialogue. More people will be engaged in conversation, less stuff retweeted if it doesn’t contribute to discussion. The days of long, rambling paragraphs are over, and everybody was very relieved as a result. It is time to engage Precision Mode.


My long-form writing over the last decade undoubtedly exists as part of another complex (and often wildly self-indulgent) coping strategy. I’m not ready as yet to dive into all of those works and decide what needs to be salvaged. For now, there’s a new narrative beginning to form, timeline slowly illuminating. It’s already making me extremely happy.

That’s not a lie either. Part of the reason I’m taking the break is to be able to focus on buttoning down a timeline, working out what happens where, but most significantly to work on dialogue. Talking matters a lot in this new canon.ย That’s a surprise that’s taking a bit of getting used to, and it’s rather amazing.


I’ve dispensed with a lot of distant past over the last few years: the other part of this puzzle is eliminating more recent detritus, deciding what needs to stay and go. With a long weekend coming up, this is a perfect opportunity to start attacking the last piles of stuff that lie untouched, and to re-define the space I’m a part of.

Deciding what matters has always been a continuous, articulate process of in and out. Reassuringly, there needs to be very little in, but a quite careful process of marking what stays and goes. I have plenty of ‘things’ in my life, really no need for anything else. What exists, undoubtedly, should be better used. That’s a goal going forward.


This is a careful, considered progress through the recent past. It also acknowledges that however bad things are, there has to be some individual culpability in the mindset. If I’m not happy, complaining isn’t going to fix that. Asking for help will. Finding solutions is better than being fatalistic and not wanting to change.

Yes, this shit is incredibly, horribly hard. Nobody disputes that. Change is the hardest part of life. How you choose to approach it, or how that change is communicated, tells others a frighting amount of detail about what you are. I have no fear from sharing. What scares me most, right now, is going silent.

That’s not ever going to happen again.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I react quite strongly to external stimulus: changes in light, heat and sound have always been problematic. Last night, I got all three at once, around 4am, and the experience was, on reflection, enlightening. There were also dreams which, for the first time in several months, cannot be remembered, however hard I try. There’s gonna be a lot of this in the next few months, undoubtedly. At least it’s not a surprise.

I wonder how all this works moving forward.


I did not sign up for this emotional roller-coaster, but undoubtedly the consequences of a massive dislocation of previously well-stacked and organised memories will be… well, shonky for a bit. Trying to keep everything level and organised is not yet a totally thankless task, however, and blowing my ‘cycle every day in April’ plan by being sparko at 10pm is not going to hurt anybody.

In fact, my trainer’s assertion that a bit more rest is required is probably spot on. Mixing it up a bit is in the cards, a spontaneous submission walked to the mailbox before 9am. I miss having to send mail for things, or indeed getting letters that are anything other than bank statements or circulars. There should be a movement to reintroduce long-form writing as a means by which you initially get to know people who were previously strangers.


I’m gonna go out later, exercise as normal tonight, start again tomorrow. Nothing really has changed, except deep down I know what everything has. There is homework to do, too. I need to work out what all of this is going to achieve, and write it down to take with me next week.

That’s gonna be a tough ask.

Personal Data // Alpha

personal data
A lot has changed in my life in the course of the last year, more than had initially been grasped. It’s only when you have to lay life out to a total stranger that it becomes apparent of how a world view’s subjectivity will influence thinking and reaction. I’m absolutely not going to talk about the details of those conversations here, but I can consider the consequences they create in this virtual existence.

More and more, in my virtual sphere, it has had become socially acceptable to be the villain. Having played that role before such things were a means to make money, or show your disdain to other political/social groups, I realise that there is a lot of subtlety that is being ignored or simply not even being considered by people who feel that any criticism is bad. You either like summat, or you shut the fuck up.

Of course, that’s what I’ve done above. With the unsubtle, visceral lens screwed tightly into my world view, someone will read this tweet in exactly the same breath as the person who complains vociferously that their game’s being ruined by whiny, entitled fanboys.ย That position’s remained unchanged for well over a decade. The addition of ‘let people enjoy their stuff’ is irrelevant too. You come to Twitter for a fight, right?

That’s the entire point of posting a Tweet to start with.


The subtlety of discussion is receding in my timeline. It’s quite rare to have that kind of interaction in the first place: what tends to happen is someone does a ‘thread’ on a useful subject that is read and discussed, people elevate memes to new levels of clever/ridiculous/indecipherable, everybody posts more pet pictures and that’s the game. Is it because I’m not following the rightย people? I don’t think so.

What seems to happen now is that people just don’t talk to each other as much unless they feel SUPREMELY confident of their ability to deal with all-comers. This mostly seems to manifest with genuinely arrogant, unreadable diatribes or the occasionally brilliantly smart, funny and readable commentator. I’ve had enough of listening to the smug writers and broadcasters who somehow are above the rest of us.

Looking for genuinely interesting new followers is an increasingly tough ask.


Maybe this finally means the ‘if you’ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all’ adage is beginning to stick, I dunno… or maybe, more significantly for me, the feed I read on a normal day’s been reduced to something approaching quiet. The curation I’ve undertaken over the last six months has reduced my feed by about 250 followers: yes, I’ve gone in and force unfollowed a LOT of people.

Many of those were also people who would never, ever follow me back, and as a result are only useful to read and rarely react with. There are a few exceptions, but most of the discussions now are about subjects that are distinctly lacking in contention. I’m in no position to do anything else, and remain happy online. I look forward to the day when there’s more confidence to do so, however.

It will happen again, undoubtedly.

Calling All the Heroes

Gonna try and start counselling again today.


I’ve been told to take a day off by my trainer.ย I’m pretty certain I know what over-training feels like (because I’ve been there before) and this isn’t quite there yet, but with the mental stress of the last few weeks I have, it must be said, been somewhat remiss with relaxation time. Saturday was a prime example: took my iPad to bed, fully intending to watch Netflix, got 15 minutes into the show where the lovely lady tidies up people’s lives and fell asleep. I suppose that had a measure of success…

Even with eight hours sleep last night, I’m still tired however, so deferring to the trainer seems like a plan. I’d have a kip on the sofa this morning, but am already fretting about missing my appointment, so no, not doing that. What I can accomplish however before the thing we’re not talking about is go pay in a load of change to my bank account, thus clearing summat off the (hugely long) Domestic To Do list. Yeah, that seems like a good idea all told.


Not much to say, really. Just wanna get things started.ย 

Let’s do that now.

Tell Me on a Sunday

It is amazing how sometimes, saying stuff aloud can release a phenomenal amount of mental pressure. Undoubtedly yesterday was a bit of that, but became more significant as the day went on. What matters to you individually is undoubtedly largely irrelevant to everybody else, until it becomes apparent how much everybody else has touched you individually. I’ve been hugely influenced by my environment, and it shows.

It is high time I reassessed my priorities.

I suspect it is because of the trolling suffered online and the default of saying what I see that there’s been a reticence to fully engage with people over anything personal. That’s now going to change. It is high time I reclaimed the scorched earth. We’re gonna cover it with recycled items of clothing, never fitting properly before engaging mad bastid exercise mode.ย It’s not been mentioned yet: savings have been used to send me on a busman’s holiday in July, first time in nearly 20 years I’ve gone anywhere alone.

There is an awful lot to look forward too, no reason why the past needs to keep dragging present out of focus.


It’s accidentally the Easter holidays too: I’d assumed that the kids were off this Friday coming, and not the last one gone. It’s the first time for a couple of years a holiday startย  have caught me on the hop, which undoubtedly has a lot to do with the other things in play. No matter: suddenly I have two weeks (and a bit) in order to recover from the first bit of the year and get myself ready for the next bit.

Today, there’s tons to do. Let’s get started.