Arrival

I missed today’s blog in normal time for many reasons. The main one is that there really is no desire to write, which has not been an issue for some time. It’s not like I’m tired or without reasons to do so, it’s just the World right now is not making me happy.

Covid stress is back, and it will take a few days to readjust to the rest of the world working out what smart people predicted would happen in June.

What bothers me most right now, undoubtedly, is the inertia of others. I saw it play out first-hand at the weekend and, like it or not, this is what many feel is enough. I’m used to being disappointed by reality, it’s why I don’t get involved in as much as was the case a few years ago.

Yes, there are things to be excited about, and things to look forward to. The biggest issue right now is those individuals… well, appearing not to care about anything except themselves.

So, I’m not posting blogs to Twitter unless I want to make a point and today, let’s be honest, the best thing for my mental health is to be as far away from the rest of the World as it is reasonably possible to be.

Shout

It is a truth personally acknowledged that peace is my ultimate aim. I fucking hate fighting with anyone, for reasons which are now clearly and inextricably linked to trauma. It’s why my pulse races in situations where other people are being unpleasant. it’s the reason certain circumstances and situations are now actively avoided. It’s also crucially why criticism used to be the hardest thing in the world to take.

Lots of things have improved in the last two years. Being able to conduct myself with calm, to be able to rationalise those situations and step back objectively from them is a massive step forward. Criticism is now sought, positively encouraged, and has becomes the means by which significant steps forward have been taken in approach. It’s why what gets written and outputted from now on will different from what has come before.

This morning, as the UK begins to move into Second Lockdown, it is really important not to go backwards in terms of momentum. Therefore, everything will be readdressed and reconsidered. Output in various places is already being streamlined. There are other issues to consider this time around too, and all of them are as important as my professional goals, if not more so. Looking after myself is a real priority.

I’m dreadful at self-care at the best of times, and this can’t continue. If it means stepping away from social media for an early night, or rearranging the order things are attacked in the day, there has to be a change from what is undoubtedly ‘normal’ behaviour. The result, it must be said, is already significant. That’s not going to be lost in panic again.

This time, we keep moving forward, and with optimism.

Think

This week is full-on already, and it’s only 1.50 pm. However, the distinct advantage of being like this does mean that I have hardly had the chance to eat anything since getting back from the gym. That’s never a bad thing.

Neither is that.

Gonna spend the next three weeks bigging up a book I have just one poem in, editing some video, making some video, writing more poems, getting a quote for my OWN INAUGURAL CHAPBOOK, shoving a bunch of other poems into an Amazon collection and getting ready for NaNoWriMo. I’m hoping to also use this novel as summat for promotion.

NEED TO PROMOTE EVERYTHING.

Did I tell you we’re promoting EVERYTHING this week?

All the Rowboats

… and we’re back.

So much of my world right now is red flags. Yes, the world remains on fire, but sitting complaining about it won’t fix anything. It is becoming increasingly depressing watching individuals who’ve been promising all through Lockdown to kickstart their self-improvement regimes still making the same old posts where it is apparent nothing has changed.

We are all here, flailing with various levels of competency. No-one is really winning anything either. The choices therefore are stark: continue to complain or get on with something constructive. I have a plan to be benching 45kg by the end of September. It looked a bit wonky this morning, if truth be told, but as soon as my brain is in the space, it will happen.

I also have some new notional targets to aim for.

This weekend’s cycling was brutal, and the next two weeks are even harder. At the end of that, we do an FTP test and see if three months of pedalling like fuck has had any appreciable effect on our fitness. Then, quite possibly, we’re going back to trying to run for a bit. I really haven’t thought that far forward, though it will start happening now. There needs to be some future proofing.

We’ve begun the slow changeover of work website resources too: now my ‘work’ is Patreon based, that doesn’t need to run every day. However, it will need to be available for selling things, which also gets worked on this week. So much to do, so little time for whining. It’s why I’m really happy to leave that to people who are clearly better qualified.

There are far better things to be doing anyway.

Look Up

Callouses are BACK on my hands, and I can wallow in the understanding, sitting here recovering, just how much I FUCKING LOVE WEIGHTLIFTING. Cycling can’t get close to the endorphin high, plus I can show off just how much work really was done during Lockdown (a lot, lets be honest). If there were money available, I’d find a way to build a weights bench into the house. Lifting is GREAT.

It isn’t about looking ‘a certain way’ either, this is just the means by which the whole of my body turns up and works together. It is a miracle cure for so much else too, not just because of the chemical processes at play. Also, I have REALLY missed my trainer, and realise with a somewhat heavy heart the only reason I was doing classes was for the interaction.

Exercise classes are now no longer what I want to be doing.

Yesterday gave me one important fictional realization too: this vanity project is gonna need a quite serious unpick and rewrite. That would previously have sent me scurrying away in fear but not now: it’s almost a requirement to do so, because the story’s evolving too. I have grown up stuff to do today but will be scheduling more time to attack this as the month goes on.

What was most stressful was the fact I could not easily write down what was needed when the moment came. The brain/page interface for fiction has altered, no doubt as a result of the acceptance of poetry as a workable alternative. It doesn’t help that I’m pretty tired after a week of hot weather and variable sleep, but I can guarantee I’ll sleep tonight. Heavy lifting will see to that.

Starting next week, many things must be rewritten…

Fire Escape

I never used to be that social, but in the last three years a Saturday Gym visit has become hugely beneficial. Even if I never talked to anyone, feeling part of a productive whole had advantages. Yesterday afternoon, working out in the garden whilst my husband used the static bikes in our shed, that feeling returned. Being with others makes that exertion easier. It makes the process of pushing yourself become that much simpler.

The lovely lass I do personal training with once a week joked with me that she could never see a day that the Gym would shut. She sends me messages every few days, making sure I am okay, and today there was an undeniable hint of desperation in the messages. If all the people she trains are forced to do so alone, who will need trainers once this is all over? I’ve missed her company terribly, I’ll happily admit.

You don’t get rid of me that easily :D

somethingwrong

There will be a lot of adjustment going forward, it occurs to me, and not just in the obvious areas where social contact was a given. Listening on the radio to which sportsmen can still exercise at home and those who require special equipment with thich to operate is a consequence of this I am very aware of. I already miss the bench press terribly: if there were money, I’d actually ask to have weights equipment right now.

Instead, body weight exercises will have to do. Legs are undoubtedly feeling stronger: I have switched up my exercise routine to push a bit harder for the next week, and we’ll see how things pan out. There’s enough upper body and core workouts online now to keep me going indefinitely, so today I’m gonna stick with my daily minimum and nothing more.

Tomorrow, stuff will get a bit more serious.

Fragments of Self

Yesterday, lots of stuff got fixed. Some of it is permanent, other bits are just beginning. My exaggerated anterior pelvic tilt is now well on the way to being far less of a problem: this will help enormously with benching the weights I want to be playing with in the months that follow. The exercise that fixed this is the reverse crunch, which I cannot do successfully as yet, but am well on the way to achieving. It’s all in the plan.

The PostIt notes on the wall from January, finally, have been cleared. Tomorrow we start afresh: 30 pushups, 30 roll-outs. Zero to just fruit sugars. Lots of focus on technique, and a metric shedtonne of exercise. Rest days that matter, and a measurement of vital statistics. It is time to stop fucking about with this whole weight loss gubbins and get down to 75kg. I know it’s there, inside me. It just needs a good talking to.

Then we need to talk about making money.

how-to-use-the-internet-to-make-money

No, this isn’t going to happen, and actually these are not my aspirations either, which should come as some surprise. However, there needs to be a living. So, I’ve created one that I really want to pursue, whilst at the same time poking the other stuff. It’ll all launch in 10 days from now. Never launch anything on a Monday, I was once told, and I grasp this implicitly.

The Patreon is made, but there’s a problem setting it to UK currency, so 10 days of letting that get fixed is a good idea. It gives me time to sort out other things. I have the site graphics for the Webpage organised, and a long-term plan on how I shift everything to one, central organisational hub. Should Patreon take off, there’s a YouTube Channel waiting.

It always helps to future-proof where you can.

moralsmoney

This is my life now, and I’m really rather looking forward to it. What needs to happen now is for me to stop procrastinating and get on with the nuts and bolts. There is a PHENOMENAL amount of work to do, and sitting here, staring at it, will not make any of it do itself. That means it’s the moment to crack out a pencil and some paper before poking menu structures.

Let’s work.

Paranoid Android

People stop me randomly, far more than they ever used to. The hair colour is a good conversation-starter (see the Flickr feed below) and gets me more compliments than anything else I can ever remember. There’s the body comments (I’ve put on a kilo in fat this month but am only 400g heavier than I was end of January, sugar is a killer) which frankly I love. Last night I was absolutely watched by a couple of guys whilst doing Synergy. I waved at them both.

Don’t be that person.

This week, a lot of stuff’s been thrown out for good. I’m going ahead with a Patreon reboot next week. Gumroad is being prepared to sell stuff from: probably going to start with art prints, photographic variety, and work up to a full poetry collection, plus digital short stories and other related gubbins. It has to happen now, or this whole thing does not go forward. Like it or not, cash has to come from somewhere.

This is the moment to commit to a new journey.

Jesus_Fishtrick

It’s really tough to admit that I need financial support going forward, but I do. The only way I get to be where I want, to find the cash to make these changes, is through other people’s willingness to support this part of the journey. It also puts an increasing focus on me to do the work, put in the hours, come up with the things that I feel are important and significant. This is how the World works.

However, it doesn’t have to be all about self. I fully intend to give back wherever I can, in different places and in other ways. Mental health awareness, as a starting point, is providing me massive opportunities to help and support people in my community. There are other things, that can and will be done, to improve the World around me. Right now that means getting this blog written so I can move on.

So much to do, so little time.

I Love You

If you spend more than an hour on Social media a day it will be impossible to ignore the stupidity around Fandom at any given moment. I follow a number of people for whom the observation of other people’s obsessive desires and interests is not only a lifestyle choice, but a full-time career. It is hard to escape the gravity of negativity in any aspect of current existence, but when it emanates from stuff that’s supposed to be enjoyment and relaxation?

Except, with the smallest of shifts of perception, one can see all of this as just another attempt not only for all of us feel we belong, but to self-promote in an increasingly open and understanding environment. Not every meme is toxic, or perhaps a flimsy disguise in which you’re prompted to share personal data that might also double as password information.  Just don’t get me started on potential facial recognition scams, okay?

We all want to belong, let’s be honest. That’s all of this online stuff’s about, when you get down to the details. If you don’t need the benefit of a massive virtual following not doing Social media‘s hardly a reach. I can look at many people for whom that desire simply never existed, or those who’ve shunned the practice because privacy means nope, you don’t get to know anything at all.

In the modern world, of course, it shouldn’t take much to find out everything about someone if you really want to, and if you’ve ever been unlucky enough to be stalked online, you’ll know just how hard it is to remain truly anonymous. That’s where fandom’s truly insidious underside can become not just frightening but life changing… but for every negative, you can offset the damage.

I remember that fan who married one of her idols…

thatsbait

You get to know over time the people to trust, then avoid. Someone from an old fandom haunt appeared out of the blue late last year, still hugely dedicated to his cause, still happily living the life they were decades previously… and this is why changes in orbit can end up so potentially damaging. The good people rationalise, are adult and move on. It’s the people who won’t change, can’t alter their outlooks that become the unknown quantities.

I’m in a particular fandom right now where people are split down the middle, thanks to the main protagonist in their fictional lives having assumed a new gender. There’s an indignity for some right now that a man they respected has become a highly attractive woman. There’s psychology at play that is difficult to reconcile, and this TV show is becoming an unexpected test bed for what happens when you stop giving all the best roles to white men.

Who knew so many people were that sensitive to change?

Let’s be honest, you’d need to be from another fucking planet not to grasp how some parts of society are woefully unprepared for what’s coming. We need more common sense, and far less stupidity, and if you resent actresses and people of colour in traditionally white male roles? You are part of the problem. Don’t worry, give it ten years and there’ll be no planet left for you to complain about… ^^

Maybe what needs to happen now is change, and not resistance.

The Whole of the Moon

Once upon a time, I would not have known that today would be the turning point. It’s hugely helpful to now be able to look at myself, objectively, and understand when the tide shifts. It allows a measure of organisation that simply did not exist before. More importantly still, self-care is possible, where it did not take place previously. The fear that underpinned everything can then effectively be dealt with.

Right now, I’m not sad. I’m afraid. Saying that out loud is hugely useful as well, because it rationalises so much else. There is a scheduled dentistry checkup, which is inevitably fear-inducing without everything else that is currently taking place around me. My daughter is unexpectedly home sick and being able to be a good mum also makes me afraid. Most importantly however, my own fear of failure is inescapable.

computersaysno

Understanding the difference between depression and fear is an enormous change. It’s pretty much the most important thing to happen to me internally since counselling and now that’s apparent, there’s the opportunity to employ some transformative ideas in order to move the personal narrative forward. Somethings are already in progress, others will undoubtedly appear over time.

However, the key to all of this is the significance of blame. No, it doesn’t matter who or what is at fault in most cases, and this whole situation is not to be played as a martyr, not ever. I don’t need those kind of games in my life any more. If there is to be acceptance of genuine progression, pointing fingers and apportioning blame needs to stop. That’s my problem to deal with, nobody else’s.

I-will-not-have-a-nice-day

The only way forward at this point is upwards, towards change and improvement.

Better start climbing, then.