Fire Escape

I never used to be that social, but in the last three years a Saturday Gym visit has become hugely beneficial. Even if I never talked to anyone, feeling part of a productive whole had advantages. Yesterday afternoon, working out in the garden whilst my husband used the static bikes in our shed, that feeling returned. Being with others makes that exertion easier. It makes the process of pushing yourself become that much simpler.

The lovely lass I do personal training with once a week joked with me that she could never see a day that the Gym would shut. She sends me messages every few days, making sure I am okay, and today there was an undeniable hint of desperation in the messages. If all the people she trains are forced to do so alone, who will need trainers once this is all over? I’ve missed her company terribly, I’ll happily admit.

You don’t get rid of me that easily :D

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There will be a lot of adjustment going forward, it occurs to me, and not just in the obvious areas where social contact was a given. Listening on the radio to which sportsmen can still exercise at home and those who require special equipment with thich to operate is a consequence of this I am very aware of. I already miss the bench press terribly: if there were money, I’d actually ask to have weights equipment right now.

Instead, body weight exercises will have to do. Legs are undoubtedly feeling stronger: I have switched up my exercise routine to push a bit harder for the next week, and we’ll see how things pan out. There’s enough upper body and core workouts online now to keep me going indefinitely, so today I’m gonna stick with my daily minimum and nothing more.

Tomorrow, stuff will get a bit more serious.

Fragments of Self

Yesterday, lots of stuff got fixed. Some of it is permanent, other bits are just beginning. My exaggerated anterior pelvic tilt is now well on the way to being far less of a problem: this will help enormously with benching the weights I want to be playing with in the months that follow. The exercise that fixed this is the reverse crunch, which I cannot do successfully as yet, but am well on the way to achieving. It’s all in the plan.

The PostIt notes on the wall from January, finally, have been cleared. Tomorrow we start afresh: 30 pushups, 30 roll-outs. Zero to just fruit sugars. Lots of focus on technique, and a metric shedtonne of exercise. Rest days that matter, and a measurement of vital statistics. It is time to stop fucking about with this whole weight loss gubbins and get down to 75kg. I know it’s there, inside me. It just needs a good talking to.

Then we need to talk about making money.

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No, this isn’t going to happen, and actually these are not my aspirations either, which should come as some surprise. However, there needs to be a living. So, I’ve created one that I really want to pursue, whilst at the same time poking the other stuff. It’ll all launch in 10 days from now. Never launch anything on a Monday, I was once told, and I grasp this implicitly.

The Patreon is made, but there’s a problem setting it to UK currency, so 10 days of letting that get fixed is a good idea. It gives me time to sort out other things. I have the site graphics for the Webpage organised, and a long-term plan on how I shift everything to one, central organisational hub. Should Patreon take off, there’s a YouTube Channel waiting.

It always helps to future-proof where you can.

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This is my life now, and I’m really rather looking forward to it. What needs to happen now is for me to stop procrastinating and get on with the nuts and bolts. There is a PHENOMENAL amount of work to do, and sitting here, staring at it, will not make any of it do itself. That means it’s the moment to crack out a pencil and some paper before poking menu structures.

Let’s work.

Paranoid Android

People stop me randomly, far more than they ever used to. The hair colour is a good conversation-starter (see the Flickr feed below) and gets me more compliments than anything else I can ever remember. There’s the body comments (I’ve put on a kilo in fat this month but am only 400g heavier than I was end of January, sugar is a killer) which frankly I love. Last night I was absolutely watched by a couple of guys whilst doing Synergy. I waved at them both.

Don’t be that person.

This week, a lot of stuff’s been thrown out for good. I’m going ahead with a Patreon reboot next week. Gumroad is being prepared to sell stuff from: probably going to start with art prints, photographic variety, and work up to a full poetry collection, plus digital short stories and other related gubbins. It has to happen now, or this whole thing does not go forward. Like it or not, cash has to come from somewhere.

This is the moment to commit to a new journey.

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It’s really tough to admit that I need financial support going forward, but I do. The only way I get to be where I want, to find the cash to make these changes, is through other people’s willingness to support this part of the journey. It also puts an increasing focus on me to do the work, put in the hours, come up with the things that I feel are important and significant. This is how the World works.

However, it doesn’t have to be all about self. I fully intend to give back wherever I can, in different places and in other ways. Mental health awareness, as a starting point, is providing me massive opportunities to help and support people in my community. There are other things, that can and will be done, to improve the World around me. Right now that means getting this blog written so I can move on.

So much to do, so little time.

I Love You

If you spend more than an hour on Social media a day it will be impossible to ignore the stupidity around Fandom at any given moment. I follow a number of people for whom the observation of other people’s obsessive desires and interests is not only a lifestyle choice, but a full-time career. It is hard to escape the gravity of negativity in any aspect of current existence, but when it emanates from stuff that’s supposed to be enjoyment and relaxation?

Except, with the smallest of shifts of perception, one can see all of this as just another attempt not only for all of us feel we belong, but to self-promote in an increasingly open and understanding environment. Not every meme is toxic, or perhaps a flimsy disguise in which you’re prompted to share personal data that might also double as password information.  Just don’t get me started on potential facial recognition scams, okay?

We all want to belong, let’s be honest. That’s all of this online stuff’s about, when you get down to the details. If you don’t need the benefit of a massive virtual following not doing Social media‘s hardly a reach. I can look at many people for whom that desire simply never existed, or those who’ve shunned the practice because privacy means nope, you don’t get to know anything at all.

In the modern world, of course, it shouldn’t take much to find out everything about someone if you really want to, and if you’ve ever been unlucky enough to be stalked online, you’ll know just how hard it is to remain truly anonymous. That’s where fandom’s truly insidious underside can become not just frightening but life changing… but for every negative, you can offset the damage.

I remember that fan who married one of her idols…

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You get to know over time the people to trust, then avoid. Someone from an old fandom haunt appeared out of the blue late last year, still hugely dedicated to his cause, still happily living the life they were decades previously… and this is why changes in orbit can end up so potentially damaging. The good people rationalise, are adult and move on. It’s the people who won’t change, can’t alter their outlooks that become the unknown quantities.

I’m in a particular fandom right now where people are split down the middle, thanks to the main protagonist in their fictional lives having assumed a new gender. There’s an indignity for some right now that a man they respected has become a highly attractive woman. There’s psychology at play that is difficult to reconcile, and this TV show is becoming an unexpected test bed for what happens when you stop giving all the best roles to white men.

Who knew so many people were that sensitive to change?

Let’s be honest, you’d need to be from another fucking planet not to grasp how some parts of society are woefully unprepared for what’s coming. We need more common sense, and far less stupidity, and if you resent actresses and people of colour in traditionally white male roles? You are part of the problem. Don’t worry, give it ten years and there’ll be no planet left for you to complain about… ^^

Maybe what needs to happen now is change, and not resistance.

The Whole of the Moon

Once upon a time, I would not have known that today would be the turning point. It’s hugely helpful to now be able to look at myself, objectively, and understand when the tide shifts. It allows a measure of organisation that simply did not exist before. More importantly still, self-care is possible, where it did not take place previously. The fear that underpinned everything can then effectively be dealt with.

Right now, I’m not sad. I’m afraid. Saying that out loud is hugely useful as well, because it rationalises so much else. There is a scheduled dentistry checkup, which is inevitably fear-inducing without everything else that is currently taking place around me. My daughter is unexpectedly home sick and being able to be a good mum also makes me afraid. Most importantly however, my own fear of failure is inescapable.

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Understanding the difference between depression and fear is an enormous change. It’s pretty much the most important thing to happen to me internally since counselling and now that’s apparent, there’s the opportunity to employ some transformative ideas in order to move the personal narrative forward. Somethings are already in progress, others will undoubtedly appear over time.

However, the key to all of this is the significance of blame. No, it doesn’t matter who or what is at fault in most cases, and this whole situation is not to be played as a martyr, not ever. I don’t need those kind of games in my life any more. If there is to be acceptance of genuine progression, pointing fingers and apportioning blame needs to stop. That’s my problem to deal with, nobody else’s.

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The only way forward at this point is upwards, towards change and improvement.

Better start climbing, then.

Sing it Back

…ooh look, it’s two days into a new month and I’ve not put my belt on yet. Dun worry, that’ll all change tomorrow. For now, it’s probably time to celebrate last month’s achievement.

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4611 MEP’s to beat… that’s gonna take some work. I could strap on the belt 24/7, I suppose, but that rather defeats the object of the exercise. What’s needed here is CONSISTENCY, which is really quite easy to work on. Keep the rest days, know when it’s appropriate not to push, and ensure that there’s a proper balance between cardio and strength training.

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I always knew today would need to be an enforced rest day, and undoubtedly as we get closer to Christmas there will be other days where it is impossible to fit in the exercise required. If there’s a feeling on Tuesday morning there’s enough energy to catch up on today’s missed work I will, but it’s more likely to be a gimme. 22 days out of 31 with summat is brilliant. 

The aim is 20 days minimum on the calendar for November.

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With the news breaking yesterday that Google’s bought Fitbit, you’ll all soon be able to see my data, all over the interwebs without me needing to do screencaps… ^^ Until the changeover happens, I have plenty of opportunities to work on that 12k a day step total. If I wondered why I was so wiped after Wednesday night this week, I reckon almost 20k including a Blaze with hill incline runs probably had summat to do with it…

That’s tomorrow’s task too, with some heavy lifting thrown in for good measure. Why am I doing all this again…?

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However, I will be very much enjoying not having exercised today, oh yes…

Goodbye

I cleared house yesterday, not yet totally done. They’ll be some poking at my Twitter feed over the next week. I’ve only forced unfollowed one person, primarily due to the amount of content in their timeline that bothered me. I can’t convince other people that overt porn is ewww when you’re on a public feed. The assumption is that they don’t realise everybody can see what they do. So, instead of complaining, curate then hit the button.

What wasn’t expected yesterday was how lovely everybody else would be when I was actually honest for the first time in years.

I’m an equal opportunities Drama Starter. The issues with women is fairly represented in blog posts, over the years. Oddly, none of those incidents really matter any more, because most never lasted past the implosion that began them. It becomes progressively simpler to forget those pieces of past, making sure principles are held in memory as cracking examples of How Not to be an Adult on Social Media. 

These creepy guys though, many of whom I know are married…

I don’t think any women are stalking me: maybe it is already happening, they’re so good at it their plan isn’t abundantly apparent. You only get to react to stimulus that’s obvious. It’s remains a constant source of amazement how many men, when you strike up a conversation with them in a civil, but friendly fashion, automatically assume you could be a potential partner. That’s not how this should ever work. Twitter is NOT A BLOODY PUB.

Hopefully, by poking the feed from time to time a different perspective emerges. Over the years people have taught me many things. I know all about hentai and wish I didn’t. I didn’t know you could have an item named after you in a computer game. I didn’t realise that friendship overlooked people acting like fucking monsters, abusers being painted as victims. That’s a special kind of person I’d never, EVER want in my life again.

However fabulous your life might look up close, EVERYBODY will benefit from an occasionally unscheduled wake-up call. Nobody’s perfect, and taking stock of situations and environment from time to time… trust me, it’s really helpful. If your feed’s contents is enough to make someone decide that it’s time to leave, and it keeps happening, that might be a message worth heeding.

Listening is becoming a lost art, and it makes me sad.