Category Archives: Random Ramblings

It’s Not Over Yet

What I am has been different for most of my adult life. I have moved around extensively, and have altered undoubtedly as a result of understanding what I really am. That journey should, theoretically, never end, until I die. The point is to not be the same person if that is having a negative impact on anything and anyone else, and I can write that and then realize some people will assume it means one thing, when really the opposite is true. The reality of existence is to find your own space and thrive within it. When you struggle to fit the norms, what is the thrive plan going forward?

Well, that’s relatively easy. You’ll find the people who understand and care, you’ll seek out safe spaces in which that can happen, and when it becomes necessary to live in other places which don’t ‘get’ what you are, you can become very adept at camouflage. Except that is not the way it should be. Me being bisexual should not ruin the quality of anybody’s life, but amazingly it has. It has had a negative impact, and will continue to do so, because by not being normal, I am a threat to those who see this as power they cannot control or dictate.

However, these threat levels are nothing compared with my trans mates, who would just like to be allowed to exist but who are right now being hunted, derided and attacked. It’s not fair, and it’s not acceptable, and this is the beginning of a period of our existence as human beings that will define whether we survive as a race or not. History is unblinking and unerring, and will look at this time as the one where it either began to be a societal norm, or it was when it was outlawed. I’m not happy about it, but reckon we could still go either way.

That’s why its up to me now to start making a fuss about a lot of things: disability and accessibility, allowing true freedom of expression, weaning people off commercialism and back to the days where alive meant you just did your own thing and nobody else got in your fucking business. Of course, the rich people are gonna still want your money, but if you can make better, informed choices over what that actually means, that would be helpful. Mostly this is about being true to an authentic self, which is what matters more than anything else in the end.

My daughter’s listening to a lot of songs about death right now, as I did at her age, wrestling with the reality that nobody is ever likely to remember you unless you were the one who made things either massively better or hugely worse for everybody else. I know which side of that history I intend to be on, and we’ll keep plugging away at it until people pull their heads out of their arses and stop saying ‘but I can’t do that, it’s too hard.’ Living and thriving in a World that marks you a freak is HARD, fighting your own brain every day is HARD, please don’t tell me you are struggling when the biggest issue you have is not being able to go on holiday or do ‘normal’ things.

Except they do, and that noise is stopping the real work for taking place. It’s up to me to deal with that, and I will.

I see you people, and know you are part of the problem.

Don’t Believe the Hype

Despite what people might try and tell you, there is no one thing that will change your life. If you happen to find a book, or a video or a lifestyle choice that helps you make better sense of reality, or improves your progress, that happens not just because of that revelation, but as a result of EVERYTHING that came before. We do not live our lives in bubbles, though looking at social media some days, you’d be hard-pressed to believe that was true.

The Government, amazingly, is not to blame for this. Forget for a moment that they’re a shower of incompetent dick-splashes who hate everything unless it’s a) white and b) makes them money and focus on the realisation that the Government did not stand over these people, forcing them to vote for Brexit. Many people were perfectly capable of understanding that they were being lied to. 48% of the country grasped the reality of the situation, and voted to remain where they were not because they hate the idea of UK sovereignty, but knew that the consequence of losing EU clout would be this horrible, which it is.

Blaming the government because you still think this is 1953, that we’re a Post War country that prioritises our own indigenous desires over absolutely everyone else in the World, that ‘being British’ is somehow more important than being either respectful, human or a citizen of Planet Earth is not the Government’s fault. They perpetuate the stereotype to farm stupid white people for their money and fealty, and nothing has changed since Churchill. If you’re dumb enough to believe this shtick? More fool you.

The lies Government tell will never change until EVERYONE accepts they’re at fault.

I watch people complain that ‘things don’t look good enough’ about 215 times a day at present, as if the quality of your virtual reality will somehow improve the state of the Real World. The number of fanboys creaming themselves over video game landscapes as an antidote to looking at a television or reading a news article has reached new heights. Hopefully now that the US has been saved by the people who really cared enough to get out and do so, that might change, but don’t hold your breath.

Your gaming experience is not unlike reality, except it won’t feed your kids or save the actual planet you love to imagine as a high-definition dystopian wasteland. That needs you to start putting the pieces together for yourself. It’s not hard, but clearly feels that way when your job’s been furloughed and there’s no employment to be had except to do the jobs you hate to begin with. I watched a high-profile commentator this morning make his washing up into a discussion topic. That’s where we are now. Maybe the answer does lie with you and not in turning all your settings up to Ultra and pretending reality isn’t happening behind you.

You wanna know the one thing that transformed my life for the better? Let me share that one simple trick for completely changing the way life works: do stuff when it needs doing. Looking at something that isn’t in the right place, don’t ignore it, go take it to where it needs to be. I attack one hard job a week, make my brain shut the fuck up and stop complaining or thinking that one day of indulgence doesn’t matter. It does, and that never changes. If you want to move forwards, stop looking backwards and don’t stand still. Really, it is that simple.

I know how hard life is. However, if you a) have a place to live and b) have food on the table plus c) the same tomorrow and an internet connection on which to complain? NO LIFE ISN’T HARD. Life is the one go you get at being relevant under your own terms, and not someone else’s. Make that happen, sooner rather than later because the very real fact remains that tomorrow might be an eternal certainty for the Universe but absolutely isn’t the case for you.

Maybe, this time around, don’t keep complaining and maybe start making a difference.

Telegraph Road

NaNo continues to write itself. I also have absolutely zero desire to do anything related to submission at all, right now. This won’t last but really, truthfully, we are not out of the woods yet, and there is a lot that could go horribly wrong by the end of the year. Eyes on the prize, people, which is not winning, but changing everything so it is better. Winning is a construct, never forget this.

Mostly I am here, healing. That’s what I’m doing. Moving onwards, forwards, with purpose and determination. Words must be written.

Alone Again, Or

Yesterday was a watershed.

It began because I am no longer in the position to afford things that other people consider as essentials. The fact remains, FOMO is real, but largely pointless once you rationalise the expense. Sure there are alternatives too, but the larger truth is that when you know something is a distraction, it is better to walk away than towards.

This then sent me into an anxiety ‘loop’ which effectively curtailed my ability to be rational. However, instead of noticing this inside the moment, I saw it at the fringes and knew that if I just walked away from the things that were causing issue, that anxiety was manageable. So, that was yesterday afternoon: stress management and relaxation.

Then, amazing things began to happen.

When life runs without you noticing, things just look different. Slow down those moments, control their effects and you can see what looks terrible at the time is just an implosion and some fire that’s easily put-outable. Last night I fixed a problem that’s existed for about three years, I found solutions to writing cul-de-sacs but crucially, cooked dinner alone and amazingly.

Allowing myself permission to step back is a really new concept for me. Knowing I can fix the issues, without assuming there needs to be someone else to assist me, is also pretty virgin territory. That confidence that you are enough, that it isn’t about that you HAVE to do more than justification that this is the case. Stopping is the most difficult thing I ever do. Making myself do it yesterday was the absolute solution to my problem.

The change in me this morning is… well, significant.

Sometimes, you are the change that needs to happen. It isn’t other people’s jobs to help you. Occasionally, you do actually need to do the things that scare you to make progress.

Most importantly of all, knowing when to ‘fail’ is really a game changer.

Blues Walk

I no longer have an office chair. I’m typing this whilst sitting on a yoga ball. Over the years I’ve trued various things in an attempt to deal with a back problem that stems from my first pregnancy, and a hastily-applied epidural before an Emergency C-Section. The ball, amazingly, is turning out to be not just a revelation, but the writing accessory that keeps on giving.

Of course, this isn’t going to be for everybody. However, the benefits to posture and general productivity since I blew it up 72 hours ago are significant. Most importantly of all is not the times I’m sitting and using it. I used to idle hugely in my chair, sometimes for hours without making any progress. If this keeps encouraging me to move, and it is, that’s the biggest gift of all.

Slouching is constantly being corrected, and I am here for this.

There is a lot to do, stuff to reply to, and things to write and archive. This is, all told, how I’ve wanted life to be for some time. Everything is largely under my own auspice, with me making the important decisions. All that really needs to happen now is a better form of income, and then I know I’m getting somewhere. We’re working on that today too.

Expect something to purchase from me by the end of the year.

Simply The Best

Life is best, at least for me, when nothing of any real interest is taking place. I realised yesterday that, given the choice, excitement can be someone else’s job. In the general scheme of things, glam and bling and beauty and celebration are better experienced on your own, very specific terms. Being in lockdown has granted insight into what really matters. The superficial is definitely NOT on my list of stuff missed.

With the train wreck news currently resembles, this is a weekend to do as little as possible. I’m not gonna lie, not getting up tomorrow at 6.30am will be very easy to achieve. Doing nothing will not be a stretch. My obligations for the day, once dispatched, will lead to a state of relief that’s not been felt or experienced for quite some time. This is a week, done well.

That’s all.

So Here We Are

Whenever two or three people I know and follow, on Twitter, get together and have a conversation, Twitter actively attempts to involve me. Even on Tweetdeck, that interaction appears unavoidable. With my tech hat on there are clearly very good reasons why doing this is a good idea for the growth of the platform overall. Talking is, after all, the point.

However, it’s a lie, clear falsehood. It’s the equivalent of what used to happen in the playground at secondary school when someone wanted gossip to make them the centre of attention. I am well aware of the level of interaction at play on any given day, and these people would not, do not include me. It is an attempt to drive passive engagement, and I detest it.

It also drags me into issues I am often already trying to avoid.

This is, I will freely admit, the reason why some people I really like are at present muted. Mutes don’t stop the direct @ when someone talks to you with your username. Crucially it doesn’t remove likes or retweets being visible on Tweetdeck, at least initially. It allows me to acknowledge those who are my more enthusiastic supporters, who refuse to engage directly (for whatever reason).

However, of late, it means that certain discussions and arguments are unavoidable, however hard I attempt to curate. Part of this journey is realising I cannot fix everything, and I would be foolish to try, because the energy expended by doing so does and has deflected me from my path. Many people have commented on the downsides. I am going to take their advice too, because they care about me personally.

I know this not through here say, but through personal interaction.

It is apparent to most now how important virtual interactions are in modern life, and being able to place a measure of control on what takes place is as important as keeping your real life manageable. Watching other people make the same mistakes you have does make you want to wade in and point out the hypocrisy. It is not worth the effort.

Asking people if they need help is a better way forward. It requires far less assumptive reasoning: if someone says they are struggling, then that’s your cue. Again, it can’t (and won’t) help you save everybody. That remains the impossibility that it takes a lifetime to shake and will, if you are that person, wrack you with guilt when it becomes apparent you missed someone else’s cry for help.

All you will ever do is your best.

What bothers me the most right now are those people who depend on the Internet for their livelihood, who know what good can (and does) happen here yet continue to malign it because it gets them attention. We all know someone like this, and I watch people do this daily, in the hope it might illicit some sympathy. That’s not how this works. We see right through you.

By far the most successful people on Twitter are ignoring the fact they’re not being successful and just doing what needs to be done. When your creativity and enthusiasm shines through, amazing things happen. I’ve only just discovered this revelation, and it is still sometimes a bit hard to balance with everything else but the results are, it must be said, transformative.

Stop talking a rubbish game, and start changing your outlook.

Pick Up the Pieces

Attention spans are absolutely not what they used to be. Thought processes seems to have lost some of their edge. Investigative journalism leaves a lot to be desired. All of these statements are undoubtedly true in certain lights, but won’t hold up to scrutiny in others. It’s the classic tale of Perspective. What one person thinks is an apple, is absolutely an orange to someone else, when facts know full well that’s a banana.

This has been part of the Human Condition for as long as people have argued that their way is clearly best, because they’re right and you’re wrong. However, as has become more and more inescapable with the march of human evolution, there are some questions with only one answer. That’s where science comes in, and history, and those people who record facts without the taint of personal bias.

When I grow up, I wanna be one of those people.

shadow_government

There’s a very good reason why the sky is blue, and trying to argue anything else is really a bit dumb. Similarly, when people are surprised that I offer them virtual food as means by which to feel better, increasingly not on their birthdays, they haven’t picked out the fact this is part of my irrefutable personal makeup. The issues with comfort eating will never go away, it appears, because it is very much rooted into my issues with trauma.

However, having been able to identify this objectively, life becomes easier. It’s a roundabout way of linking the irrefutable: I am exactly the way I am for an increasing number of very good reasons. Unless those are communicated to the wider world, people will not grasp why decisions are being made. Therefore, it is up to me to communicate this, in the vain hope people might actually start listening.

I can but hope, after all.

April 8th

Therefore, apologies in advance for those of you who might have heard some of the stuff that now starts appearing via social media and though my blog channels. It appears much of what I am could indeed bear repeating, now more individuals are paying attention. I’ve never been a big fan of repeats, because the assumption is that you picked up the point the last 15 times you were told.

Maybe humanity hasn’t yet evolved as far as I’d hoped…

The Real Thing

Star Wars, despite its title, is not an accurate depiction of the battles between the Rebel Alliance and the Imperial Empire. They are undoubtedly cyphers around the underlying  narratives of love, devotion and loyalty. I also reckon George Lucas is a Lover, and not a Fighter as a result. I know there’s been a lot of muttering about The Mandalorian, many of them based around the concept being too much western and not enough sci-fi.

This is the first time I’ve seen at least that someone’s pulled the military tactician card. Of course, they’re applying 21st Century Tactical Ability to a show that’s… you know, set in space, where doing the exact opposite of what happens on Earth could easily be considered as military genius. The fact someone’s applying their labels to this approach is increasingly where we are in fiction: this is the state of play.

Communication is becoming a Problem.

I wonder, is this statement is blanket, or does it depend on the person speaking. I don’t have any more context, just this one line, which I feel needs a bit more meat on its bones, but frankly at this stage I’d feel genuinely afraid to approach the author. If we were in the same room, face to face, that would not be the case. Instead, as this is Social media and I am not a mutual, it remains a retweet and no more.

The means by which I am able to learn about diversity right now is dependant on quite a strict set of rules as a result: mostly, I listen. I am often afraid that what is said and done could not be interpreted as the support I’m trying to show but in fact the exact opposite. I’ll look superior, or act as if that’s how things ought to be, and that’s why quantifying a lot of queries right now is becoming something of a worry.

How do you ask questions you never had until now without looking like an idiot?

A lot of it, of course, comes with time and patience. If I’d have waited and watched, this tweet would have appeared and given me context. Following this person, listening to their tweets should, in time, give a decent grasp of what it is they’re attempting to communicate. The biggest single issue with so many of us right now is not taking those vital moments to stop and think. The author, I’d say, is worth following too, if he was prepared to offer what was required for better comprehension.

The reality of life right now is that doing this, thinking through what we see and read becomes increasingly difficult on top of everything else being asked. Someone I really like unfollowed me overnight, and I’m fairly confident that my output over the last few weeks will have been the reason. It’s been political, controversial for some. I could ask for the real reason, it would be really easy.

However, I’m not sure I will end up liking what’s heard as a result.

I did that once. A person I really enjoyed reading, and interacting with, cut me off so suddenly that I had to ask why. That email is kept, printed out, as a salutary warning: sometimes, your heroes are the villains. The people who play a certain role because it keeps people interested are, in reality, nothing like what you wish they were. They end up knowing that what you are is not what they want in their lives.

Trying to work out the reason for that is pointless: it goes back to that word, ‘tolerance.’ Eventually they grasp that perhaps you don’t belong in their feed: too preachy, not fun enough, don’t get the point of the way they use their platform… because it is their platform. They are the main point of it. Everybody else is there because they allow them to be. Is it pedantry, or is it arrogance? Is there even a difference online?

It doesn’t matter. All that matters, in the end, is how it is said.

kindness

I read something yesterday that was amazed at how those who advocate kindness can then be so angry and combative when challenging other’s opinions. Passion, I realise, is not a good emotion to try and demonstrate in a text-based medium. Undoubtedly, people just look at you and decide you’re angry instead. So, if you want to communicate better in the modern world..? Learn how to make your points in 280 characters or fewer… 

Before you reply, consider the consequences of your words. Pedantry is becoming an art form. Everybody’s looking for that unique angle, when what really ought to happen is honesty. You can do it without starting a fight, if it’s done well, with thought and application. Most importantly, you can be kind and still make your point. It just takes more thought than many people can afford to spare online.

That’s what I need to work on going forward.