Last Train to Trancentral

Last few days have been a bit of a rollercoaster. I’ve stopped watching the TV show responsible for filling my brain to capacity, and there will be more on Severance as the week goes on. For now, I’m almost back up to date, have a new project on the go and am ready to go start kicking the arse of a training programme that needs to get me ready to do a 30-mile bike ride and a 10 km run within a week of each other. We’ll get there. For now, however, it’s time to concentrate on adjusting to a bit more hard work everywhere…

Paranoid Android

Well, that was a fucking ride.

I’ll be back to normal eventually. For now, there’s a LOT to think about…

Ghost Town

Quite pleased about this, for a lot of reasons, most of which have to do with output and potential future use. It’s been a bit of a stressful day for other reasons, that were resolved in a better way than has previously been the case. So, it all balances out. I’ve also managed to complete a particularly tricky set of poems for submission. There are potentially two places they can go. Still not sure on one, absolutely set on the other, which makes the task considerably easier.

Tomorrow, I can talk about the TV show I’ve been watching too…

Big Time

The plan has always been to diversify. That means going to sub sites that I might not normally consider. Tomorrow, the first of those is going live. I take this as a distinct sign of progress. I’m also going to do a reasonably unprecedented thing and skip Paragraph 2 and 3 tonight, instead you get a Tweet that began as me giving love to the poets I enjoy and which appears to have had the desired effect. Gotta love it when good things happen to the right people.

Airbag

This is the most significant thing I have done for myself in quite some time. It’s more important than my first book launch yesterday, and I do not state that lightly. Having the space not just to breathe but step back and consider things is crucial at this stage of my progression. There needs to be far more time thinking and far less worrying about what other people are doing. They are not me. I am a unique and important resource, and that’s not meant as new age bunkum.

I am currently in the middle of a TV show which is forcing some serious reconsideration of my mindset. I like being able to critically appraise what is being seen and read. It makes me realize the particular tools that will be required long term to do my personal ‘brand’ justice. No, I do not want to influence. I am here to disrupt, and long may the desire to do so continue. Too many people are sitting by idly doing nothing and watching their freedoms be eroded.

Change is a difficult time. I am permanently undergoing change. This suits me just fine.

Tears of a Clown

It’s never easy to be honest with yourself, it’s why so many people spend their entire lives refusing to do so. You know someone like this. Maybe today is the day when you go and start a conversation with them and maybe help them talk about what’s bothering them. It doesn’t have to be Mental Health Awareness Week to instigate a change. Any day will do. Except, on this particular Wednesday, why not try summat different. Start a conversation, and maybe potentially change a life.

Downtown Lights

Tomorrow, I read a poem in a Book Launch for the first time. It’s not just me, there’s nearly 30 other people involved in this, and my single poem is, as are all the others, about being neurodivergent. I’m still no further forward with a diagnosis with my Doctor, and it has been almost a year now. However, when I realize it took my daughter three years to get even seen for NHS treatment on waiting lists pre-COVID? I’m not sure when you start complaining, if indeed you can at all.

Anyway, it’s a busy week, and I am slowly beginning to readjust to a new way of working. The physical changes to a body that’s now accepting both intermittent fasting and more exercise, that there’s strength in places where it never really existed and that I feel more physically confident than I have for some time are all good, positive steps. Other things are still lamentably awful, though. You can’t have everything. The trick really is not to moan about it all too much, or you become stereotypically British.

I booked myself an open mic on Thursday with some new people in Coventry. It’s always good to see how other people do it. It’s not long now to June and having to do it in an actual physical space with real people, and that’s already looking a bit scary. We’ll cope, because we have to, as that’s the next logical iteration of the project. It is a project too. Some people might not like what I do, but that’s never my problem, and always their loss. Let’s keep moving forward.

Freedom 90

It’s been proper mad since Thursday. I’m running on five hours sleep, with a high stress presentation under my belt, and literally only now sat and realized ‘oh yeah, you haven’t blogged anything for three days…’ except of course I have, but that was work, not personal. Anyway, the project above is why I’m not really here right now. That needs to change tomorrow coz I just booked a new Open Mic spot for Thursday. It’s all go here, chums.

A few weeks back, someone forced-unfollowed me on social media who was involved in a local arts project I really wanted to be a part of. This morning, unsurprisingly, I discovered they’d not picked my work. I make no secret of how badly people can be treated in rejection. This one was the final straw. I am not going to be beholden to such folly again. My path is mine to dictate from now on and though there may be struggle, I’m not fucking working with those people ever again.

It takes time to form habits. There is merit in failing, multiple times, in order to finally find the means by which success can be held and nurtured. This is absolutely the way now, under my own steam and on my own terms and woe betide anyone who now tries to stop the march of progress, because not only is it coming, it has already arrived. You will rue the day you decided not to include me.

I have a remarkably long memory.

Believe

For the last three weeks I’ve been working on a project which is (almost) put to rest now, there’s just the small matter of subtitling it and checking I’ve not fucked anything up terribly. It’s the next step forward in my poetry journey, too. A proper narrative. Actors, and locations. Big undertaking with only me as production team, writer and director. It takes me back to when it wasn’t video, but film production that was being learnt.

I have no idea how any of this will be received, either. Criticism is fine, there’s no worries about people telling me what they think. This isn’t just about the content after all, more whether it is possible to make something from nothing. Once upon a time, I’d struggle to be organized enough to get through a week as a mum without having the ability to do anything else. This is a whole different world, and I am so pleased to have had the time and space to inhabit it.

The timing of this couldn’t be better professionally, either, because a job opportunity has emerged where this stuff can actually be used as credit. That’s not why it was done, of course, but the point remains that if people are going to take me seriously, this is the kind of content I need to be able to output. For that alone, this might end up being the most important thing I do all year.

Making Plans for Nigel

There is a LOT on at the moment and juggling all that I have to do with the time available in which to do so… the stress is manifesting as it always does non my body. There are boils, and skin rashes, and generally this is pushing out bad energy through my skin. Each time this happens, how to deal with the issue gets forgotten. This is not the case this time: there are plans and organization and, late last night, came a realization.

A new project is, in this case, not new work. It is old work that never got to see the light of day, and therefore requires me to start playing around again with the old and new. As a result, a space is set and some work has begun, again, at getting the party started. Of course, it’s not ‘popular’ until other people play, but in this case there’s little or no fuss over that. I’ve given myself until July to make it work. That’s plenty of time.

There are a lot of people doing the same things out here right now. I do not want to be them. I wish to be me and nobody else. Time to see if that is conducive with the current climate.