Filthy/Gorgeous

Not nearly as angry today as I expected to be, but for large portions of the working portion of business it did feel as if I was being followed around by Tim Curry as IT with a rubber hammer, with which he would hit me on the head every ten minutes or so before cackling demonically. I couldn’t breathe properly when weightlifting, nearly fell flat on my face on the run back. Of course, nobody got hurt, and it was all just minor mental inconvenience… but the point remains. some days it’s the stress that divides good work from just work.

For those of you don’t know, I’ve been accepted by the local NHS mental health unit for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) as part of a longer journey to uncover what is going on in my head. The wait for this has been three weeks to be initially assessed and a week for the okay, and I’ve probably had four good night’s sleep that entire time. I have, effectively, been running on empty and am only now returning to what could be probably considered as normal. It’s also played havoc with eating habits. I need to fix a lot of stuff.

One of the things I’ve stopped doing is blogging, mostly because once a week I record twenty minutes of video blog for Patreon and, at least over the last few weeks, after that there’s been no extra mental space to accommodate anything else. Last week however I did a Zoom event, a Poetry Book launch and an Open Mic poetry/prose evening. It’s beginning to fit into place. The only problem, such as it is, remains getting other people to appreciate my poetry enough to publish it. However, as we come up on four years of doing this shit, there is undoubted progress. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t be leaving the old life behind for good.

In a certain light, things appear to be going very well indeed.

Therefore, having tried to do a Newsletter and having had nobody really that encouraged to keep reading, I’m going back to what I know best. It helps that there is now a regular stream of actual life to report on too, that I’m pushing myself into things properly for the first time in probably six months. Let’s be honest, a lot of the time when there’s been no desire to share has coincided in when my mental health was sub-optimal. With a haircut (finally) and some genuine encouragement on my work, it is all just better.

Yes, I KNOW my own validation is all that matters, but sometimes it really helps when someone else turns up and reinforces that.

Bright Eyes

It’s quite nice out. I walked to the Gym (and back) and afterwards did 40 minutes on the bike. My plan, going forward, is to do weights only when it’s not PT and Blaze, and shove all my cardio into the shed. If my maths is correct, that’s at least 700 calories today 2004193

Cycling is most definitely getting easier. The biggest single issue has been the hip injury I’ve been treated for, which still causes a measure of pain when pushed. However, there’s no doubting how things have improved in the last month. As long as I get lots of rest (and yeah, that lack of steps between 2.30 and 3.15 is me having a nap) the recovery is going great guns.

The next question to ask is whether I trust the apps being currently used or not as a judge of how much recovery time should be taken.

I’ll admit to having a sneaky look at my husband’s stats to see how this whole zonal training works out, and there’s also a mindful think about how I’ve struggled with recovery when overdoing things. Everybody is different, and I am a long way away from my husband’s level of stamina. Knowing that, and how my body’s suffering because of the mental demands of the last few weeks, having a nice long walk tomorrow seems like a better way to get my steps/exercise in.

There is a lot to think about in the next week or so. Being physically stronger will help that process enormously.