Those of you paying attention will notice I had a week off. I can’t do this full on any more, and knowing why is half the battle, and that’s the reason we have an assessment with a mental health professional in two weeks. Deep down, I’m pretty sure I know what the problem is. This time, someone else can come to that conclusion as well, and once it’s done, we can get on with coping.
As a result, a lot of stuff will alter starting today. I needed a week to get my head around everything as a result, and actually its gone very well. I also give blood for the first time in a while today, so that means taking it easy tomorrow, which is useful because I have planned a fucktonne of stuff to get through. There’s an Open Mic this week, and I’m helping out some final year University students in town with a project, so it’s not like I don’t have anything else to do with my time.
Needless to say, if you notice a change, I’m doing it right.
A weekend of game-playing did the trick. I am back on track and in the groove, and this is progress because instead this morning of playing a game over breakfast, there was exercise instead.
I promised myself something, every day this month, even if it’s just a walk, and that plan has been kept to pretty well, even with the awful weather (and personal news) last week. It’s become the foundation for everything else and no, it’s not all about to go out of the window. That would have been the old me. This, better version understands how everything just goes sideways when you don’t prioritize your own mental health over everything else. In that regard, this is a very decent place to be right now.
It’s also right that only with the ability to heal and address the issues does any significant progress get made. Many people will never have that luxury in their lives, or never feel the need. That latter revelation took a while to grasp: trying to get other people to confront their own demons is not your job. If someone wants to talk, you let them, but there is little or no point in pushing that. Only your life can be altered, and no-one else’s.
Knowing what matters is a big deal now. Making sure that the priorities are kept is still at the habit-forming stage.
Feedback is the best thing in the world. Even the bad stuff is good, you know. It means someone is reading your work. That’s the key, it’s why word of mouth on The Socials is so important. When you get trolled, and we all do, it’s still a good thing because, like it or not, you have distracted someone enough from their own lives to come and interact with yours and THIS is the Elixir of Life. You don’t need gold-plated toilets and armed militia at your disposal. All that shit the Ex_President pulled, deep down, was because he never got enough love as a kid.
Don’t @ me either. You either get it, or you don’t.
The great thing about the unprompted comment above however is the choices that have now been validated as a result of it. 2021 was all about making things easier to do. That means that the first few months of short stories are interconnected and, if I go this as a positive sign in January? It’s time to build on momentum and NOT BLOW IT. The key there, of course, is those three words. I have a sensible, compelling human storyline, Twitter Polls and some online elements to weave into the mix. Hopefully, it’ll get more people interested…
All you can do is your best, when all is said and done. This, fortunately for me right now, is just that.
Please forgive me, it has been 17 days since my last blog.
Since then, two members of the household have tested positive for Covid, and are now recovering. I’ve discovered my brother is an asymptomatic carrier. I managed one day in the Gym after isolation, and now I won’t get another one for possibly months.
This is the lightest I have been mentally for probably fifteen years. It has a lot to do with not playing a particular game on release, I realised yesterday, that the tyranny of being part of something no longer wanted has finally been put to rest. After that, it’s stepping away from an obsessive need to create, because it was, as a coping mechanism.
There is now acceptance there needs to be a game to fill that gap, that I miss playing generally, because that was another coping mechanism. There is also absolutely the understanding there needs to be more friends too. How all this stuff is fixed remains a largely nebulous concept, because you can’t have all the answers instantly and that’s the point.
This is the longest blog break here for a while. I’d like to explain why.
If all I had to do was be more organized, this would be easy. The fact remains there is a lot more to my evolutionary step this time than just writing more lists. I have a body to properly alter, rather than just the (often) token efforts that have been made thus far. Lockdown 2.0 came at a bad time for me. I refuse to lose my progress. Therefore, there’s a lot of hard work to do.
The NaNo has literally written itself. I have my next novel project organized, which is unheard of. Next week I need to look to start editing an existing work too. I’ve not done with poetry, far from it, but right now the storytelling matters more, so that is what I am focussing on. There have been domestic issues too, that have mattered more than being here or using this as routine. Right now, that is NaNo.
I won’t Shonk again this week, the audio’s now out of date, such is the speed that the world works, so we’ll sort it for next week instead. That’s a lot of the problem right now, I am not a fast mover, which is no more apparent than at present. However, with the benefit of a CRACKING night’s sleep… it is true that I need to work more physically to wear me out.
It’s rather splendid to have woken up on a Saturday morning with nothing obvious ragging at me to be done. It’s also useful to be working on the laptop as our front room is currently a bedroom/games room. Allowing my daughter a safe space to express herself with friends where she’d have to be outside is the job as a parent I never really realised was necessary until it became apparent how it positively affected my son. He turned 20 on Thursday. Blimey.
I’ve picked a new poem to do video for. It will be difficult. Not technically, but emotionally, and that’s why we’re going to make it happen, because being safe is what other people do and not me. I’ll spend today trying to work out the mechanics. I can record quietly tomorrow morning, so audio is available earlier to play with. There’s a LANzine to finish off tomorrow as well, which I might also poke a bit today.
There’s a bug in that picture, I assume on one of the three lenses. It is almost time to upgrade my phone again (yes, really has been two years) and yet again camera strength will be a significant factor in purchase. I have my eye on a Pixel 4, if truth be told, because having sold myself once to the corporate gods, it might be time to give it another go.
Yesterday was a brilliant day of photographs and fun. There was also a point where I was asked a question by someone and, for the first time in over three decades, I didn’t lie about the answer. An awful lot has changed this year, most of which has emerged from my own ability to deal with the consequences of my past. I may yet need to go back to counselling, however, but right now everything seems to be working out without that need arising.
In the meantime, apologies but this will be the last blog until Monday: there is simply too much RL this weekend to support online time, which might once have been a horror but is now really quite lovely. It’s also nice to be able to know I gotta be organised that far ahead of time to begin with. Next week is the last week of the Summer Holidays too and going back to school is… well, it’s gonna be interesting.
Saying nothing, until you are capable of formulating a rational answer. It is a lost art, especially amongst the political. They would rather grasp the immediacy of the visual metaphor. It’s cleaner, easier and only requires your military to tear-gas a couple of blocks and not shut down the whole damn Capitol. Except, of course sometimes that’s the unintended visual metaphor everybody else will make the best capital from.
When we all look back on the last week, properly grasping that ridiculous is defined by the last thing that made us think we’d seen everything but clearly haven’t the visual will be what defines this year. It was when companies finally grasped that just sticking up a black block then pretending to care wasn’t actually enough any more.
The bigger truth is that the lies are now so much more apparent when there’s no other shit to cloud people’s minds. By being stuck inside, many have had epiphanies the like of which never really took place when the fascists were voted into power. It has become the perfect storm of information + comprehension = understanding.
As the scales fall from an awful lot of people’s eyes, will you just decide it’s all too much and walk away, or will you understand this is an opportunity that comes around once in a lifetime. Are you about to grasp the opportunity presented, or simply return to the vacuous life you had before because, in the end, all you really care about is yourself.
You are seen, in every connotation of the Urban Dictionary definition.
Wednesday is normally a bit teeth-grindy. I can’t do that really right now, though this morning it must be said the pain has reduced from yesterday so maybe I should just shut the fuck up and wait to heal. The Bond 25 trailer dropped, and despite best efforts I could not escape it: it even turned up on the electronic advert screens at the Gym. Still not going to the cinema to consume, it can wait for a DVD release.
However, it looks like an improvement on Spectre.
I’ve not really hit my writing targets this week, mostly because of pain, if truth be told. However, there’s been some major exercise developments, which included me being able to get on a bike yesterday afternoon, do approximately thirty minutes and feel as if it worked for me. It also sets a notional benchmark for the rest of the month. Same course, same time, and if I feel like doing more, I can.
There’s also been a bit more of a focus on stretching, plus trying to ensure thirty press-ups a day are done regardless of whether I’m resting or not. Stamina doesn’t just come from longer workouts and harder training, it has consistency at its core, and this is a part of the equation I have failed at quite a bit across the years. Things feel like they are coming together too, this is the new status quo.