Sometimes, it isn’t about the right thing, it’s just ANYTHING. Yes, of course you want to move forward and get better, but simultaneously everything is hard and painful and often just easier to rationalise your way out of. I spent most of December convinced the next day would be the one I got sick. With two days to go, my left foot/ankle has begun to spasm, there’s a sore point behind my left kneecap and these things previously would have sent me into meltdown. Now, frankly, I don’t fucking care.

This is a space between different people. The woman who existed before my husband’s positive test, on the back of the eldest testing positive too was really, truthfully, not nearly brutal or ruthless enough. This woman knows what needs to happen for the tide to turn. How you view the world is absolutely key. It’s the difference between 40 km and 100 km, when there’re easier means to do both than the ways you initially thought were, in the main, intractable.

It’s the difference between capable and assertive.

How I look and how I feel are now two distinct, separate beasts. When I’m done here I’m going upstairs to throw quite a lot of stuff away for good. There kept being this promise it would happen, but it never did, because the part of me remained that thought what was needed was to fit back into the lives I left behind, instead of burning them to ash. This was never about going back to where it all began, either. This should always have been a push away, as far as possible from what is still there, taunting and being generally unhelpful.

Really, truthfully, everything needs to burn, this time for good.

There are plenty of matches.

Weather With You

I know why I didn’t want to write yesterday; simply not enough brain space to accommodate it. There needed to be other things done instead and today I’ll get back on the tasks in hand. Once upon a time, there’d be no means of questioning why stuff was happening either. Now, everything is considerably easier to fathom. The biggest realisation however is that some things will never be as they were.

1000 calories in a night is a big deal. There was a lot of pushing last night, and at one point so much sweat was dripping off me that I couldn’t see through my glasses. This is absolutely a new experience: arms this morning are sore in a completely new way. Interestingly,  historical injuries are also receding in concern. It’s officially the quickest recovery from blood donation that’s been managed since we started this journey.

Next step, of course, is to see if I can do it all again tonight with the same measure of success.


There’s all the other stuff I gotta do as well, of course: prioritising it all becomes progressively easier with each passing day. Sleep patterns are slowly returning to normal, less caffeine is needed every day to keep brain functioning, it is all good. As long as that continues to be the case, life is the best it has ever been. The stress won’t ever go away, issues don’t ever vanish. That’s how this works.

The key is how that’s dealt with on the way.

Chocolate Girl

I have a domestic issue to deal with today, which is not as stressful as it might have been. I walked to a Saturday PT this morning in glorious weather. Let it stay this way for a while now, because there’s so much productivity when it does…

The last week, emotionally has been brutal, but has taught an important lesson. I don’t have nearly enough things to fall back on when life gets tough. Once upon a time there was a vibrant social life, large group of real life friends and nothing really seemed that bad. I’ve been isolated here for a while now, with only a couple of friends within easy reach. Trying to engage with new people has proved a tough ask. Some individuals I though I knew better have proved to be, quite frankly, a waste of time.

How does anything change for the better?


It just changes. You’re patient, and don’t get stressed. There are other things to find joy in than that very short list you had to write out. Taking a chance on yourself is worth the effort, and may deliver surprising rewards. Most importantly of all for me however is preserving the routine that maintains sanity: daily writing, exercise, photography plus the occasional dirty treat. Today is a high-end Easter egg that was brought home by my husband from work. BOY was that wonderful with a cuppa.

Also, I need to return to meditation. It’s been a while since I did things seriously, and the benefits it brings to both mind and body are considerable. Lifting heavy shit is great and everything, but nothing beats a moment of pure and total zen, and they have happened. It’s a tough ask some days, but if the right moments can be picked… it has to be worth a try. As I set up the calendars for next month, it will be included on the lists.

For now however, there are practical tasks to be addressed.

Big Time

It was GLORIOUS to walk to PT yesterday with Spring happening all around me. It’ll be a while before bad weather is a memory, I suspect, but this will do for now. Yesterday is also a line in the sand: to lift heavier weights, and make proper progress, I have to throw away everything that’s been learnt and start again. I need my feet elevated to lift with enough back on the bench. I have to readjust arm position to compensate. It has to come from my arms as back needs to be more planted when it isn’t, and that’s the task to fix.

Needless to say, brain is still processing what is a seismic step forward.

Also, yesterday I was doing TRX planks with hands on balls. No, I dunno either.

[Note, this guy only using one ball. I have one under each hand. I have officially gone hard bastid fitness.]

It is a real struggle some days to grasp the most basic of exercises. Burpees are a case in point.

It is really easy to see why this movement is hated so much, because of the amount of work you are required to put into what should be a simple set of movements. I’m still very much a Burpee Beginner, mostly because speed is a really big issue, and explosive power does not come naturally. However, now I will do them, whereas before it just did not compute. I’m not sure how planking using a TRX and medicine balls became easy but burpees are hard, but it is what it is.

It gives me summat to do that is guaranteed to get my heart-rate up whatever happens.


Heart rate elevation is, undoubtedly, the key. I can walk all I want, and yeah it will burn calories, but this is not about that level of effort. What is required is above the nominal threshold for fat burn, added to which what is eaten on any given day. If I can get both things right, then there’s a definite change in my progress… and yup, it’s already working. The big girl training pants are most definitely on.

Time to get working.