Avenue Q

The worst part about life right now, undoubtedly, is knowing who I can trust. Immediate family have been brilliant, above and beyond the normal care and consideration, especially when I’ve struggled to keep everything together. The house is quite literally covered with PostIt Notes, helping me remember to be organised, what needs to be done or sorted on any given day. I still forget things, though. Stress is tough.

I have homework to do for next week that I am dreading. It is not necessary, but I see it as vital, because of the inability that currently exists to express myself to others. There needs to be a quiet time and place to complete it tomorrow. I also have pretty much all the lymph nodes on my neck up, which means body’s fighting some kind of infection. This may explain a few things, if truth be told…

notevenmad

Today’s important because there was a bunch of things that needed to be done which have been left alone too long. I’ve fucked one up royally, but the other couple of things that were supposed to happen are at least started. There’ll be another go at cycling an hour tonight (knee said no last night, hopefully the hour’s lunchtime kip will help) and then tomorrow it’s time to do more stuff with the garden.

None of this needed to go in a blog, of course, but this afternoon I realised a number of people, since I was public with my counselling, have simply stopped talking to me. Is that the reason, or is it the process of removing myself from a fandom which has, like it or not, ruined a part of my existence? I dunno, but it is time to work out who the real friends are, the ones that will stick with you through thicc and thin…

Shake it Off

On the way to School this morning, the youngest got quite emotional over some fan-art that had been drawn for her. It’s something that has happened to me a couple of times in the past, but now I pay for other people to draw me for the headers because, let’s be honest, flattery is a very emotive subject. What is awe in one person’s mind can often become discomfort in another’s. It’s like the aboriginal fear of having a picture taken: your soul is captured without permission, and can never be salvaged.

I heard a theory today that the key to reliable knowledge is constant self-doubt. Just because something was right and true a year ago does not mean that is the case today. The almost continuous flood of online information allows us to re-assess what matters and what doesn’t, and influences are a constant and never-ending means by which the environment around us is redefined. All it needs is someone to come along and upset the apple-cart of familiarity and BOOM the world view changes forever.

I’ve spent a portion of my life using pedantry as a defence mechanism. Now it’s been elevated to a spectator sport, means by which cheap views can be garnered and indignation ignited. It is also the catalyst for an increasing number of Fandoms to spontaneously combust/implode/explode depending on the particular revelations presented. Some are welcome, cleansing fires, whilst others are the worst kind of dumpster trash.

My daughter’s advice to me was amazingly simple this morning: just be nice and do stuff for other people. After decades of being worn down to smooth, painless interactions where nobody gets hurt because no-one actually gives any part of themselves in the process, the concept of offering myself to the current Internet is, let it be said, quite a frightening prospect. However, that’s really how this works. You gotta get out there and interact, or else how else does anything change?

The problem, of course, is that there is no control over outcomes in the Wild West of unsolicited interaction. It is why so many people block and mute the inopportune out of their feeds, why Discords are the new Forums where you only invite who you want to talk to, and that everybody tries on certain days to shut out the bad news when actually, it needs to be heard. I appreciate reasoning for those people who leave when the going gets tough, but at some point, somewhere, a stand is required.

Day Two of the New Regime therefore is asking people who are reading this who’d like to develop dialogues to leave a comment. My daughter might argue I’m trying to hard by encouraging people to respond but honestly, this is the only means by which progress takes place. To encourage this, your comment will now instantly appear when posted, I’ve taken screening off for the first time in years.

Let’s see who is listening…