Good Night

Something interesting happened to my Fitbit in the week, which I think is worth discussing this morning.


My Blaze now utilises its own heart rate monitor to show me what kind of sleep I’m getting. There’s been the ability for a while to ‘track’ how long you sleep using the internal accelerometer, but many people challenge the validity of the results, to the point of taking the company to court over claims of exactly what happens to your body in bed. Now, knowing that heart rate varies when asleep it is only logical that someone would put the two separate sides of the wearable equation together. Sadly, this is only available from this week, there is no means to retroactively judge the quality of rest based on what I know were historical factors. However, what I can do is begin to understand what makes a good night based on what has come before.


This was last night, and the first thing I can tell you from this is when I woke up at just gone 2am I genuinely believed I’d woken up at 5am. That is the longest block of uninterrupted sleep I’ve managed for close to a week, so it makes sense that my body would react in that way. If I understand the science correctly, I can be awake and not aware of it as such (which is the blip past 3am) and then… well, this is the most interesting part of all, at least for me. I woke at 6.15 because I have an issue with a trapped ulnar nerve. Once awake, something happened that I know I’m capable of creating under certain circumstances: I can direct myself into a dream state of my choosing. Amazingly the Fitbit seems to have picked this up, and so in future I’m going to check my sleep records to ascertain whether I can do this when desired.


This change is, I have to say, welcome if it is proven to be both consistent and accurate: anyone with a tracker will tell you that that is as much to do with the device’s individual quirks as it is those of the wearer. Some days it is impossible for me to get a consistent rate from a wrist sensor and I have to return to a chest strap to have any idea of how well (or otherwise) exercise is performing. When you grasp the restrictive nature of such devices, and the variance between, then you remember that any such ‘research’ has to be taken with a pinch of salt. However, I can attest that looking at last night’s record does correlate with how I feel this morning, and what I remember of the night before. Bearing those factors in mind I can see this as being a useful tool going forward, especially as I can corroborate what feels like a good or bad night with the watch’s recording of data.


This is an interesting development, but whether it is welcome or not? We will see. It certainly shows that we’re seeing an evolution of the marketplace in terms of features, especially now as my Fitbit Phone app will look at my recorded activity and then offer me tailored videos to promote exercise based on habit. I’m not sure where else there is to go after this either, especially with mounting concerns over who will have access to your personal data in the future.

If nothing else, these will make lovely headers for the Blog.


Today is a day for just shutting the fuck up and getting shit done. It hurt on the treadmill, painful when doing press ups and pull downs, and I had to drag myself home today, despite the brilliance of a late Summer afternoon. Everything is hard, has been difficult since I woke, three minutes before my alarm from an anxiety dream I have from time to time. It was my brain’s salutatory warning, that if I push physically, there are going to be consequences. Except I’ve had enough of being dictated to by a part of my body that is already fit, and appears not to want me to control my own destiny a lot of the time.

Our minds are the worst enemies we have.


Yesterday an acquaintance on Twitter posted a set of pictures, stating he thought they showed a set of emotions in himself that I didn’t see at all. In fact, all I saw was someone working hard to get better at digital art. I made a thing yesterday for the Writing Site (more on that tomorrow) and thought it was great, but just because nobody else agreed with me? I don’t care. I produced the graphic to make me happy, not to appease anyone else, the same way I’m pushing hard to attain the various physical goals I’ve set. Yeah, if my husband finds me more attractive and I live longer then I can say these were unintentional consequences, but they were never the point. When your worst critic’s in your head? Life can get a bit pointless, so there comes a point where you either ignore the demons and move on, or they consume you.

Having done the latter far too often, it is time for sustained and continued change.


It is also time to make some space between me and those who seem to think I am their personal saviour. Despite the fact I’d love to be able to help everyone, it isn’t practical or sensible to try and do so, especially if some of those people have no intention to listen to you or the advice you give, and seem hell bent on their own version of self-destruction. I get why people love to do this, that life needs to be about them complaining to have any meaning, but there is a point to draw the line and move on. I don’t want to sound like that person either but I need to be going forward or this won’t work. So, there are harsh choices to make, and if you do it wrong? You live and learn.

In the end, the first and last person you have to report to is… well, you. This is your immortal soul we’re talking about, after all. Mine’s already on notice that if it fucks me about any more I’m gonna start withholding other privileges. I’ve earned a new Fitbit badge today, and I’m sure as fuck not about to give up on this journey now. Body and brain need to work it out and get it on with all speed.


That’s the GREAT WALL OF FUCKING CHINA, people. I’m not stopping now. I got many, MANY points to prove.