Ghosts

Walking to the Gym yesterday, I realise how much better life is now than it has been for some years. Undoubtedly, therapy is the difference between Now and Then, means by which the problems in my world are rationalised. There is also acceptance that how my life runs is so, so much better overall. This year, for instance, I’ve performed poetry live, three times. I’m not filling Wembley Stadium, sure, but that’s a quantum leap forward from last year, giving me something concrete to aim for in 2020.

Success is worth celebrating more than I currently do.

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It’ll be a month tomorrow since I got sick. I’m still coughing, but it’s not life threatening, and if I can say the same come my birthday then we’ll worry. I have a raft of blood tests this week plus a mammogram, then on Wednesday my husband has his scheduled surgery. It’s probably a good sign that there’s already stuff being scheduled as I’ll assume there won’t be time to write until he’s home.

This week is also when I finally get around to doing the shit I’ve put off for weeks: get the car serviced, sort the dentists, attack finances with a pickaxe. Also I’ll start doing twice weekly killer exercise again, whilst doing more in terms of actual relaxation. The next proper break I’ll get will be Half Term. I intend to make the absolute most of every moment I get in the interim, hopefully by the use of judicious planning.

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The key fact that was missing between last month and now was having something to relax with. Now that’s been fixed? Let’s get to it.

Also, need to make some new headers.

Distant Past

I use the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ analogy/metaphor a lot more than is probably healthy, but it remains the best means of showing people how my brain tends to cut through layers of imposed meaning and societal restriction before pointing and yelling (yes, quite loud) ‘that’s total bollocks!’ On the flip side, this highlights wanton disregard for other people’s feelings and sensibilities. I’m the cleftest of sticks, when all is said and done.

If you wonder why I suddenly stopped talking to you, here’s your reason.

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The problem of course isn’t ever that black and white, but for the purposes of this exercise that works well enough: being quiet has become by far the best way of dealing with realities that don’t sit comfortably in my psyche. There are exceptions to the rule, and occasionally it does help if you can release a bit of pressure. It occurred to me, last night on a treadmill, all those people who treated me like dirt are still out there, potentially doing the same to others. Do I have a responsibility to expose them?

It’s a difficult situation: knowing the venom and anger that I’ve already been exposed to in the past for daring to upset the status quo, the consequences of standing up are fairly traumatic. Mentally, I’m not ready to do that yet: there needs to be a strength possessed that currently just does not exist. I’ve been accused in the past of hijacking other people’s situations to further my own career, which is as far away from the truth as it is possible to get. With that level of suspicion at play, silence really is the only option right now.

Effort to expose hypocrisy absolutely does not match the reward.

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I can’t fix everything, and shouldn’t be trying to. What’s more important now is to address issues that can be changed and improved first. Once that’s done, we’ll see where things stand.

That’s a far better use of my time.