It began because I am no longer in the position to afford things that other people consider as essentials. The fact remains, FOMO is real, but largely pointless once you rationalise the expense. Sure there are alternatives too, but the larger truth is that when you know something is a distraction, it is better to walk away than towards.
This then sent me into an anxiety ‘loop’ which effectively curtailed my ability to be rational. However, instead of noticing this inside the moment, I saw it at the fringes and knew that if I just walked away from the things that were causing issue, that anxiety was manageable. So, that was yesterday afternoon: stress management and relaxation.
Then, amazing things began to happen.
When life runs without you noticing, things just look different. Slow down those moments, control their effects and you can see what looks terrible at the time is just an implosion and some fire that’s easily put-outable. Last night I fixed a problem that’s existed for about three years, I found solutions to writing cul-de-sacs but crucially, cooked dinner alone and amazingly.
Allowing myself permission to step back is a really new concept for me. Knowing I can fix the issues, without assuming there needs to be someone else to assist me, is also pretty virgin territory. That confidence that you are enough, that it isn’t about that you HAVE to do more than justification that this is the case. Stopping is the most difficult thing I ever do. Making myself do it yesterday was the absolute solution to my problem.
The change in me this morning is… well, significant.
Sometimes, you are the change that needs to happen. It isn’t other people’s jobs to help you. Occasionally, you do actually need to do the things that scare you to make progress.
Most importantly of all, knowing when to ‘fail’ is really a game changer.
This is a very good question. One part of the answer is me, sitting here now, waiting for a phone call. NOBODY EVER calls me so when it happens, you know it’s important, and that really is all I want to say about it, for reasons which will become clear next month. Another part of the reasoning is that yesterday, summat needed to give. I couldn’t do everything.
More and more (as I wrote on the work blog) it is becoming apparent that what used to be needed to keep me sane on a daily basis is no longer required. This, undoubtedly remains a good thing. Therefore, as long as there is work somewhere, what it is becomes largely irrelevant. It’s the logical development that’s been happening for months now.
Prolific is only useful when it suits the game plan.
It makes me laugh when I watch the ‘pro’ bloggers happily state they’re recovering after having written their four blogs for the month. People aspire to live in a world where just doing enough becomes something of an art form, vital insight being used as fuel for lectures, virtual events and seminars before being referenced in countless ‘clever’ Tweet sequences.
The Internet is destroying everything: it’s time to step back and focus on reality. This is undoubtedly a true statement, in a certain light. However, if used as a selling tool you instantly become those very people exploiting the Internet to destroy everything, and that transparency is laughable. It’s why I refuse to play anybody else’s Instagram game any more, and why Facebook remains a slur.
Just enough is the reason why nothing ever really gets done.
A bunch of ridiculously rich people worried about being ‘cancelled’ (with no grasp at all what this really means) co-signed a statement yesterday. The two most notable (at least for me) had already come together in conflict earlier in the day on something far more telling.
This is where we are now. There are no precisely drawn lines… except one. Wealth. All of those people have money, and by definition access to anything they might need to ensure their lives are lived without issue. Except, of course, as writers, they are supposed to be revered and loved for their intellectual stimulation and insight or else their reason for being does not exist.
Think it’s time to bring Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs back to the table.
All those rich people are not at the top of their pyramids right now. They might have made it to Tier Two without breaking sweat but Tier Three is the deal breaker for EVERYBODY in Lockdown: when ‘they’ say that money won’t buy you happiness, this is normally the space where the majority of that assertion lies. The shift from Safety to Belonging is fucking HUGE.
For this writer, I can absolutely attest that once you move into the Esteem stage of proceedings, an awful lot of stuff that was not previously possible becomes just that. The self-imposed obstacles that are set previously simply cease to exist. You can and do attain things that were previously impossible. It is, ultimately, all about your own personal journey into enlightenment.
Wealth then becomes far more than material fortune.
Except, for many of these writers being unchallenged on frankly vile opinions for decades is coming to an end. Having an ‘opinion’ is finally beginning to mean accountability. The more insidious upshot of this, at least for me, will always be the mental health consequences of having opinions and outbursts in a public forum, in front of a massive, often highly susceptible audience.
Never more was that apparent than when this particular piece of video appeared yesterday lunchtime.
I know this might raise some eyebrows here, but this is dangerously close to doublethink tactics. I saw the term ‘psy-ops’ used in a few places by some notable players and had to go look it up. They say every day is a school day in this parish and that it is.
First off: THESE GUYS HAVE GABRIEL AS THEIR PATRON??? Quite apart from the numerous WTAF’s that resulted from this rabbit hole, it is apparent that mental warfare is now a big deal. Undoubtedly, having looked at the tell-all book a member of the Orange Twat’s family has now been allowed to publish, it’s quite clear that childhood trauma’s got a part to play in proceeedings.
Speaking as someone already waist high in the same shit another writer’s sold for a fortune, objectivity becomes the defining feature for absolutely everything. If I was holding the keys to a massive nuclear arsenal, I’d fucking demand other people made me accountable. That’s not happening right now, and needs to change. Toxic behaviour is no longer acceptable, however fucking rich your books have made you.
It is possible to put everything in place and it still to work.
Some rich, white people will be casualties. Whether there are enough of them, and whether the right ones are quietly shifted aside remains to be seen. Psychological warfare is the tool they have used for decades to subjugate others, and if we’re being all biblical here in terms of revenge then one good tooth extraction deserves reciprocation.
Except these aren’t the white people who will turn on us and attack our friends. That’s far more likely to happen in a supermarket or a public space. It won’t just be extremism from one direction any more. It’ll be everywhere… except, of course, that’s been the case in certain places for a long time. Maybe that will be noted and dealt with.
There are more problems here currently than solutions offered.
I don't. I am a digital outcast, roaming the villages still free of corporate oppression on my tricycle, singing songs of the glorious digitally free past. I fix tech for food, I am singuarly unaffected by animal instincts and have my white hair interlaced with charging cables. https://t.co/HFGyzDxBrr
From the top of Primrose Hill, what’s left of London that’s not underwater remains asleep, still quietness wrapped in dawn’s rapidly lightening embrace. Sarah straightens, vertebrae clicking back into alignment, before she gets back on the ancient yet indestructible tricycle. She’s hungry, which means that it’s high time to find another suitable community of post Corporation War survivors who might be prepared to offer nourishment in return for enlightenment and a song.
To the east a large antenna rises from dense woodland, evidence of wood-smoke from a kiln or oven. There’ll be something that needs repairing, because there always is, and maybe at least the chance to exchange entertainment or education for breakfast, even if there’s no tech to fix. With the last of her camping equipment stowed in the bike’s massive and precisely divided forward- mounted container, she’s riding towards a new day with optimism.
Who knows what the morning will present.
Yesterday was, I think it is fair to say, a bit of personal re-alignment. Accepting you can do nothing to fix the past except ensure that mistakes are never repeated, that letting go of guilt does not absolve responsibility, are important facts to state. Making good on your mistakes however is another matter entirely. We’ve started on that too. It’s all good.
Today, I will firstly write a hugely rambling treatise on the rest of the month.
Nah, that’s not necessary. It makes more sense to work than navel gaze. The To Do List isn’t getting any smaller when I sit here talking a good game instead of actually playing it. I am obliged however to post last night’s exercise progress, because it was, is and continues to be the most worthwhile physical endeavour I have ever undertaken.
With the virtual world awash with fake news and unconfirmed rumour, navigating the Internet’s never been more fraught. How can we tell what’s real and what isn’t? In most cases, I use more than one ‘impartial’ news sources for a confirmation on big stories: Reuters, the Associated Press and the BBC News sites may not be everybody’s providers of choice, but if all three are simultaneously flagging up breaking news, that’s normally a good indicator of actual validity… if it happens in a country that is not mine (as was the case with the US pipe bomber story) then national news in that country is the way to follow things as they develop.
However, accepting that nothing read online as fact is becoming the far more sensible default state. Yes, you’ll encounter experts in your travels, and I’m not belittling anything such people say, but honestly you should start fact checking. Wikipedia isn’t bulletproof, but there are third part sites that can help separate wheat from chaff. There has been a story circulating on Facebook (for instance) suggesting a supervolcano under Yellowstone National Park is ready to erupt (a la the movie 2012) for… well, a long time. It’s all complete bollocks, part of a slew of urban myths and legends buried ‘in the cloud.’
However, there are more insidious lies being told of late that I find increasingly disturbing.
12.09 on my phone was LUNCHTIME. I read this thread THE NIGHT BEFORE.
I know what you're doing, and it is insidious and frankly WRONG. You don't get to lie about data in an attempt to keep the platform relevant. It skews the perception of reality I have.
Twitter thinks it can fool me, but I know better. It doesn’t help that I run three separate accounts through my phone, and that on one there’s a lot more followers than the other two. This means that the phone thinks when I’ve read something the night before, I might want to follow that person the next day via the other accounts… that’s not how this works, and you know it isn’t. It’s like telling me 126 people I am friends with retweeted this picture and therefore why don’t I want to do the same? This is not organic engagement, algorithm. I see through your ploy. GO AWAY.
I knew that inbuilt paranoia would finally have some use.
There’s a bigger issue here, of course: laziness. You wanna look like you’re up with news and current events, so you like all that stuff, and retweet those things… and after a while it is easier to let the AI think for you. Except, we all know how that ends up working out. Writers create dystopia for a reason, and a lot of it is wrapped up in those for whom fake news is easier to swallow, whose opinions don’t seem to mesh with the majority. For every individual shocked at the depths of depravity others can sink to, there’ll be someone seeing how much worse they can manage and still get away with it.
Welcome to human nature, which is only as restricted as the information that gets crammed into the average brain. With the Internet as our playground and AI the arbiters of space, time and knowledge…
This is also where those of us who have mental shortcomings need to get quite tough, and the more sensitive or vulnerable to suggestion end up as prime vehicles for exploitation. It should not be a surprise that it is AI driving negative rhetoric either, it is a perfect vehicle for such dissemination. If you cannot distinguish noise from imitation, blocking out everything is just easier and less stressful, yet along the way a vital level of rationalisation simply withers up and dies. The truth can (and will) set you free but only if you are capable of distinguishing it from everything else that’s masquerading as the exact same thing.
When trustworthy companies intentionally blur the lines of truth to improve their third quarter figures and throw shade at their competition, we should be up in arms, but time and again, it never happens. There is a reckoning coming, like it or not, and it will end up with large groups of people happily sending themselves into wilful oblivion, probably based on a Facebook Poll which secretly took their assent by making them click on pictures of cute animals. As we stand in the smoking, dystopian remains of the planet, yet again, we will only have ourselves to blame.
Stop letting the Internet lie to you, because it is.
I have registered there’s twelve years until Armageddon. I wonder how long it takes everybody else. Probably need a cuppa before continuing as a result.
The plan was to do an early Gym but today, like it or not, life has said no. Instead of getting all grumpy, the day’s just been rearranged a bit. TONS has already been achieved.
Sometimes, not being able to go to plan is exactly what you need.
Life needs to change going forward. It is already beginning, and by the end of this month the hope is to embrace the most significant parts of a targeted shift of direction. More people need to be interacted with, that are out of comfort zones. The only means by which the phobias and shortcomings that exist are challenged is to conquer fear. It is the mind killer, Frank Herbert knew his stuff.
It is time to use the Internet for good, too. I have already begun this process and can only hope things will continue to become more satisfying over time.
For now, it is high time everything got finally organised, once and for all.
It'll be at least a week before I'm able to drive again and a month before I'm able to lift anything. Meeting my PT tomorrow to organise a Rehab Plan.
— 🌊 Sarah, Shonky Self-Creation 🌊 (@AlternativeChat) April 3, 2018
It could be far worse. That’s the take-out from yesterday’s physio meeting: there’s still a ton of damage in my elbow joint, and until that heals, I’m mostly off anything overly physical. I’ll be writing this and walking to the Gym again today to go and organise a Rehab plan with my PT: I can still cycle, and do core exercises, so that will be the plan going forward. I suspect resistance work will come into play too, and there’s a good chance if I can keep myself healing fast by sensible eating and lots of sleep, it could well be less than a month before mobility returns.
The last thing I want to do is be moping about, feeling sorry for myself.
It’s also time to stop making this blog material. Assume I’m getting better, working hard and not dwelling on my own stupidity, and as of Friday, I’ll start writing about stuff that is far more self-centred, because that’s also what this needs.
Today, my Blog is seven years old. I got up early, went to the Gym, and will ride 55km on my bike later. That’s the diary bit of this project done, now to the point.
Once upon a time, that was pretty much all I blogged about. Now, I have a life that is often worth sharing. There’s places to go and things to see. I have goals and dreams and things to attain, but most important of all there’s a self-awareness that simply did not exist before. Mentally and physically, 2011 is a world away. Make that several worlds.
There now follows the almost pre-requisite 'oh fuck where did I put the Fitbit and no, today, not down my sock ^^
This is the life I wanted when the Journey began, but now I have it there’s a realisation that it is not enough. There needs to be more work, and better planning, but most importantly a constant challenge to what counts as ‘enough.’ Pushing, challenging, questioning and reassessing… these were things that were too frightening or difficult. Not anymore, and that is brilliant. Long may this continue.
There are other changes too. I’ve managed to persuade others to look at their lives in a different way. I can (and do) make people think. Slowly, surely, evolution is happening. It is seen and heard, and that is what gives each new day the impetus to be better than the one that came before. This is how real change can take place. This is not about having my name on a plinth or a legion of adoring fans. In fact, if you’re obsessing about me and what I do that’s the exact opposite of what should be happening. The plan remains to be anonymous but useful.
Yesterday, my Husband sent me a text message, cheerfully informing me that he’d registered a WordPress domain. I will admit, there was a measure of surprise over this. I’ve been suggesting that, for about three years now, he might like to write about his passion for cycling: he creates a very good blog on company time, is my #1 Proof Reader of Awesome, and is the purveyor of good stories (although he does tend to ramble, but it is endearing.)
Then, things got serious.
So, after about approximately three years of telling Mr Alt he should start a cycling blog, it appears he has done just this. Now he wants me to design him a logo. pic.twitter.com/MTzZCAUudm
The first batch of output last night was initially liked and then summarily rejected. A discussion was had over the brief, what this particular logo should really be like, and what it was my husband wanted to achieve from the exercise, and suddenly I was back at my first job, designing stuff for people. I’ve now sent him a selection of ‘new ‘ content, and am awaiting word on whether I’ll have to try again again. Between you and me, I think I like this one the most:
Normally, doing work for family would be a fraught, uncomfortable affair. This time around that is not the case: I’m even considering offering my writing services to Mr. Alt to talk about cycling from a ‘this is fucking scary’ PoV. Mostly, it is me pushing him to share some of the amazing stories he has gathered (especially when he went to Italy last month) and the frankly amazing work he’s done to restore a bunch of metal frames with wheels.
If you have a passion, I think it is your duty to share it with as many people as possible.
I had my first decent night’s sleep since… well, sometime last week. As used to be the case when this happened during the sleepless nights of two early childhoods, I’ve woken up a bit confrontational. All that stuff that pissed me off whilst I was tired but I didn’t possess the energy to deal with is now all in my head simultaneously. There’s a lot I could address, but let’s take the old bloke by the shops yesterday that cat-called me and then made a lunge for my waist.
You really think women make this shit up, men?
Some people do, undoubtedly, to get attention… it would be churlish to think otherwise. However, they are such a pathetically small percentage of the real problem as to absolutely beggar belief. There are women who grope men who shouldn’t be allowed to do so either… then men who do it to other men.Women do it to other women. All over the civilised world, there are fucking thoughtless individuals who only care about themselves and their own individual gratification. These are the people who ignore personal space, boundaries and most importantly, the notion of respect.
Many of these people are not smart. A lot of them (over a certain age) are never to be forgiven. Senility, ignorance, male privilege… I don’t care what it is, but just because you see a pair of breasts at 10.35am does not give you right or dispensation to fixate on them. JUST NO. The randomness of such events is enough to push half this fucking county into cars so they never have to deal with people on the ground. That’s unacceptable. I should be able to walk to and from places without the fear of being abused.
I have lost count of the places where that’s happened over five decades.
For me, the worst thing of all is the women who defend men for doing this. There is a special place in Hell for those individuals, and I know they exist. I’ve seen them work, using other people’s situations to manipulate themselves out of the firing line. This is not powerful or aspirational behaviour. It is frightening, demeaning and ultimately as destructive as the men who do the same. It is directed at EVERYONE who ever thought it was smart to use other people for their own ends, and it’s just so utterly wrong as to beggar belief.
I saw people amazed at the number of #metoo hashtags on Social media yesterday.
Just because you’ve never experienced a problem, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. In this case, you’re a very lucky person indeed.