For the last three weeks I’ve been working on a project which is (almost) put to rest now, there’s just the small matter of subtitling it and checking I’ve not fucked anything up terribly. It’s the next step forward in my poetry journey, too. A proper narrative. Actors, and locations. Big undertaking with only me as production team, writer and director. It takes me back to when it wasn’t video, but film production that was being learnt.

I have no idea how any of this will be received, either. Criticism is fine, there’s no worries about people telling me what they think. This isn’t just about the content after all, more whether it is possible to make something from nothing. Once upon a time, I’d struggle to be organized enough to get through a week as a mum without having the ability to do anything else. This is a whole different world, and I am so pleased to have had the time and space to inhabit it.

The timing of this couldn’t be better professionally, either, because a job opportunity has emerged where this stuff can actually be used as credit. That’s not why it was done, of course, but the point remains that if people are going to take me seriously, this is the kind of content I need to be able to output. For that alone, this might end up being the most important thing I do all year.

Love Hurts

I hate Blaze. There, said it. There is no enjoyment in this exercise class, no satisfaction in completion. It’s not the experience that they’re selling it as. In effect, for 45 minutes a week, I’m sticking myself through mental torture. Last night, after being sick in the gym Car Park, there were less tears than last time. Assuming that each week there’s decreasing stress, we’ll keep doing it.

The physical benefits of this exercise form are now largely irrelevant.


This is hard to explain, but I have to keep going. Most people would simply stop the stuff they don’t like, walk away and not go back. That would seem the most sensible and rational course of action. That can’t happen any more. It is too late in my life to keep turning down the things that seem too hard or complex. My brain needs to grasp why it matters to overcome these obstacles.

Enjoyment is not why this class was taken. This is not about proving I can either: the only person who needs convincing of capability is myself. This has evolved from a simple idea into something far more psychologically important. All those times stuff was given up and wasn’t kept going, every moment something was trashed because I didn’t feel good enough are all queuing up as a reminder. There is a goal you have not yet reached.


At the end of each class, everybody gets together and does one of those ‘all hands in the middle well done you did good’ things. Thus far, there’s not been nearly enough of a decent performance to warrant being a part of that huddle. It is not right or correct for me to say the job has been completed, because it hasn’t. I can’t run up inclines like everybody else, but will be able to, eventually. It will take time and effort, but that is possible.

It is all possible, if time is taken to get fitness up to a level that the rest of these people possess. Sitting here now, writing this, there are tears not because this is frustrating or anger inducing, but because attempting to unlock years of suppressed sadness and unhappiness really is hard on body and mind. Trying to explain this remains incredibly tough. Doing that in a class of strangers is impossible.


This week, yet again, it was suggested online that my attitude to certain situation smacks of victim blaming. I’ve been a victim, and am tired of not feeling in control. My means of dealing with that undoubtedly will not make a lot of people happy. I am sure some will consider this approach not only less than optimal, but quite possibly completely contrary to what would be considered as ‘correct.’

Nobody is telling you how to live your life. This is not medical advice. This blog is not authorised to dispense wisdom. Should you choose to ascribe to these lifestyle choices they will be painful, difficult and throw you into a measure of mental chaos. The result however continues to provide multiple positive effects, and a continued strength and belief in self-ability. NOT EVERYBODY IS THE SAME.


Finding people who understand is tough, but it is getting easier. Being able to explain the issues helps, and then there’s the continued benefits of fitness on mind and body. In the end, we’ll just keep doing this class until it becomes habit, and maybe then it’ll become fun. For now, the pain and anxiety is part of what was signed up for. To overcome my fears brings greater strength and depth to a soul that has been overlooked for far too long.

Next week is already booked. Lets’ see if we can not cry at all for the entire evening…

Sanctify Yourself

I cycled to leg failure again on Friday. Most people, when faced with pain when exercising, will give up. It has taken a year plus of knowing the difference between bad pain and good pain for me to understand that what is happening to my body goes beyond the normal ‘yeah I’m getting fit’ mindset. This is a deep-rooted, cellular change. That meant yesterday I was on the bike again because there was no pain in my legs, just an ache that tells me long-dormant muscles are finally beginning to alter. Even though I was physically tired? Yesterday was progress.


The body changes are now inescapable. I have a defined waist, with abdominal muscles appearing (and staying.) Oddly my favourite trousers are now too tight: not around the waist, but the legs. In fact I’m rather pleased I’ve not gone full-on with replacing my wardrobe as yet because legs are now becoming a bit of an issue. Last night was the first time I’ve put jeans on since before Christmas (and before I started my cycling regime.) I sense I may have to go look at everything that isn’t either stretch or yoga pants to see if it still fits.

A cursory look in the Gym mirrors on Friday confirms I really have grown.



I will have competed for 450 miles by the end of today, and I should exceed 500 miles by the end of January. Considering I only started this late December, I am beyond happy with the progress. It is now time to look at how I vary the exercise and condition myself for longer rides. I’m having a last splurge on carbs today and then it will be a four-week push to focus on muscle building. I’m not sure how long my willpower will last, but if I can force myself on a bike six days out of seven it is worth a try.

Time to move to the next level.