I Go To Sleep

This week, I stopped feeling lonely.

It’s got nothing to do with needing friends, or feeling left out. I don’t require some miracle cure or displacement activity. All that has been required is basic understanding. Living in the past is potentially dangerous. However much I may have convinced myself that I wasn’t there, so not true at all. Not for the first time, gaming provided the metaphor. Validation is no longer mistaken for consent.

I can be this person and that’s no longer bad.

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Now, all I need is a decent night’s kip to cement it all.

Sunrise

This is new.

The responses to this were many and various: some made me sad, others were encouraging. Being honest always produces varying results. The truth, from where I stood, had nothing to do with people who’ve been here for months, even years. In the middle of April I took a decision to follow a bunch of people on spec, seeing if they were interested in proper interaction or were simply playing the ‘I wanna be famous’ game.

I am genuinely concerned at how little interaction took place.

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I see concerns over how to write blog pots, posting frequency, that people struggle with keeping timetables and consistency: all issues I’ve had (and mostly overcome) just by posting every day. That’s when it becomes apparent that blogging for me has become the equivalent of Instagram or SnapChat or WhatsApp for others, meaning that this is a completely different world for me than it is for others.

Judging yourself on other people’s benchmarks is never wise: knowing what others consider as important however is a good way of grasping mood and general intent. It’s why being honest in my Twitter timeline has consequences beyond the ones I’d initially expected: how other people read and interpret what I say isn’t ever in my hands. That’s the consequence of speaking your mind: not everything will fall as you anticipate.

The wider the reach of your followers, the more likely change will create conflict.

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What is craved right now isn’t friendship or empathy, but simple conversation. I do not possess the metal faculties at present that are required to start making new friends, or creating the conducive environment for that to happen. All of this, purely and simply, is attempting to get other people to talk. By doing so, this then may grant the opportunity to understand better what exactly is going on in an evolving brain.

I just need to keep talking.

The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul

We present the most important revelation thus far this year.

I’ve started feeling emotions other than anger. Of course, they all existed before, but I wouldn’t let myself actually experience them. I know why. No, not telling you, my revelation to hold onto and keep until such times as it’s correct and right to do so. It means last night’s massive tearfest at the end of Blaze wasn’t simply exhaustion but a combination of many things. Allowing myself to feel again is odd.

It means that I sat in the car for 10 minutes this morning and let music move me to tears, as I became one with it and it literally pulled relief and beauty out of me. It’s why right now I’m sitting here with every single nerve tingling from fingers to toes. Welcome to the realisation that experiencing things is perfectly okay and not wrong, and you don’t have to punish yourself any more for being this person.

Emotional resonance is perfectly okay.

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Leave this one with me.

Juice

I had not expected Monday to begin like this but, as it happens, that’s not a problem. Still have a plan, which will be executed, and we’ll be ahead of the curve by teatime. Also, today is Donation #7 in my plan to achieve a badge from the Blood people at ten pints. Form is filled, it’s (again) a teatime slot and yes, I’ll be Tweeting live. Still hate needles, still struggling to integrate exercise into the game-plan. We’ll work it out.

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Having a plan has helped me enormously in the last couple of weeks. Knowing that I’m solid and sound has also given strength to situations where previously such belief didn’t exist. There are still the same, persistent issues, but noticing them is undoubtedly getting easier. Then we get to a stage where the serious and frivolous interface, and how enjoyment will subsequently occur going forward. Maybe I should take some famous advice.

There are undoubtedly not enough tit hats in my life, or random humour, or moments of pure unadulterated WOW THIS IS AMAZING and that is what needs to be addressed going forward. The family holiday this year isn’t abroad (because my mother in law is unwell and her health may deteriorate suddenly) but is at a family holiday centre, in the woods. This means a week of exercise and relaxation, which is absolutely, totally awesome.

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I am already looking forward to a week where there’s nothing to stress me out, I get to paint pottery and run and cycle on my terms and there can be planning of body-weight exercises and YES this is exactly what is needed this year. Sometimes, it is not about the business of going big, or indeed fulfilling dreams. Stop and heal is the mantra right now, and it is really working. Trying not to get angry, and addressing the bigger issues at play.

Sometimes, all that matters is moving forward.

The Sun Rising

Three weeks worth of counselling done. One quarter of my set allocation. Will I need any more after this? I dunno, but if there’s honesty over the usefulness of the process thus far, I’m a good distance forward in progress than was true at the starting point. It is NOTHING to do with what’s being asked of me either, but what is willing to be given and dispensed with to move forward. That’s a big deal. It’s not you, it’s definitely me.

Last night’s Blaze was paced. Actual, proper understanding of what I had in terms of energy, what was doable in the space, how much energy got burnt. Core strength has been the perennial weakness up until now, not any more. I’ll heart rate belt myself for both sets of exercise tonight and yes, we’re gonna go for it. I’m no less physically prepared, mental strength is the key to that door being unlocked.

There is also a wonder this morning: is this what it’s like for everybody else? Does ‘normal’ allow ability to build on progress in a structured, unemotional fashion? Can you move forward without all that shit that seems to disable or derail? Is it about understanding yourself and the abilities within, or releasing the need to be a certain way, acting in a particular fashion… I wonder.

Part of me knows the answer to this, and it won’t be popular.

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No, I’m not. I’m wrong and hold myself back from potential progress because there’s not the proper understanding of capability. I become the hindrance to progress and progression because of fear, and trepidation. Releasing myself from those emotions is incredibly, staggeringly hard but once it takes place (as it did last night) the transformation is unbelievable. So much is possible, if I can believe.

Once you can, the normal coping mechanisms become unnecessary. Historical desires become largely unnecessary. Once upon a time I’d have been really hyped for the Bond 25 launch today, for instance: really don’t care any more about either franchise or direction. It’s a dinosaur, relic of past interest, and is no longer required for future progression… and is being recycled, in most wicked fashion possible.

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The latest long form work, allowing me means to move from old fiction practices and into new ones, is a story about spies. The influences littered within owe a debt of thanks to the two pieces of Bond fan-fiction I remain insanely proud of. I have no idea if this is any good enough but I am having IMMENSE fun writing it, and losing myself within the narrative. The three main protagonists are all strong, brilliant women.

Honestly, I’ve never been happier.

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This week, undoubtedly, nothing matters except the Endgame. Except, I’ll be honest, I’m not desperate to consume the end of an era instantly, because once I’ve watched it, that’s this part of the MCU done. I will undoubtedly lose a couple of characters I love for good, one at least (allegedly) in a way that, if true, is a bit of a kop out with my writer’s hat on. That’s the trouble when you create worlds for a living.

Other people’s narratives piss you off when you think you could do it better.

I know why arrogant’s a metaphor that gets thrown at me a lot, but honestly, don’t care. MCU is not my world, it belongs to you people and I just watch at a distance. You enjoy the final hoorah, and I’ll be over here getting far more excited over Godzilla because this, frankly, is the hokum I am here for. Marvel built the benchmark from which all genre movies will now be measured.

I’ve got other stuff to worry about.


The increasingly larger concern going forward is how I watch arrogance manifest online, under the auspice of opinion. I did it up there, did you notice? So much of the MCU is sacrosanct now, you can’t abuse particular movies, because of the important cultural diversity demonstrated… and yet that’s exactly what happens. Find a thing that a minority enjoys, then destroy it, when you could just say nothing at all. Except, of course, that defeats the object of owning Social media. You’re not the problem. Other people are.

You won’t find me pissing on anybody’s fireworks however this week. Everybody gets to enjoy their stuff, you don’t wander in and give them grief. The number of things I’ve seen where a comment could have started a fight this week is a lot higher than normal, and we’re only at Wednesday. Something is fundamentally wrong with the picture when saying how you feel will cause conflict, that others are being so thoughtless and selfish in their pronouncements to provoke such reaction.

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‘Hot Take’ Culture is giving people legitimate excuses to be idiots, and then blaming others for getting upset at them when all they’ve done is speak their minds. Once upon a time, if you saw something and didn’t like it the polite thing to do was just to keep quiet. Not any more. Get more views by upsetting other people! Insult their race, culture and attitudes, and at the same time become the centre of attention! No experience or intelligence is required, please leave your empathy off the Internet.

The bigger problem then comes with those people who attempt to be objective and who are simply accused of the exact same crime, when nothing is further from the truth. This is especially rife in gaming culture: you either love a game unconditionally, or you shut the fuck up. Constructive criticism has literally become impossible due to the reaction you’ll get for not being a 100% complete and utter fangirl. Objectivity in gaming design criticism is dead.

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When historians chart the destruction of modern civilisation, undoubtedly it will be the weight of individual outrage that pulled an awful lot of society down to their demise. So easy to get apoplectic over the minutiae, totally fail to use that anger constructively to save the Planet you’re ignoring and that is slowly choking to death via your consumerism and ignorance. Enjoy your brief moments of glory whilst they still exist.

Maybe, just maybe, consider stopping and thinking before you chat shit online.

Peg

I won’t be long here. Not because there’s nothing to write about, far from it. Today is the first time, in probably at least a year, that I’ve felt that the domestic tasks that often cause so much personal grief are being properly and sensibly addressed. That means next week, on top of the writing and editing, nags of recycling can be delivered to charity shops. Useless parts of my past can, and will be shredded for good.

We move forward into a new place.

Have a lovely Sunday, all.