Last night’s nine hours sleep has made a lot of the week’s thrashing considerably easier to rationalise. I don’t function well on less than eight, and an average week gives six at best. Today, therefore, I can look back on what was physically the most taxing seven days for a while, and mentally what has become a hugely significant set of steps forward.

Time to walk the walk and just get on with implementing change.

Eyes Open

I Don’t Care

That’s a lie. I care far too much. It’s a big part of the problem. Turning off that intense desire to worry about everything is exhausting. However, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been asked to reassess everything that mattered. Not because that was a choice, you must understand, but because circumstance forced it to happen. Here, I realise, is a significant deviation from the world that was previously my norm. It isn’t as if I can sit down and make a conscious decision to alter the way I feel over time. No option was provided. I have to just do it.

I don’t care about my results anymore, simply the progress.


Sure, I was really happy last night when I dragged my FTP up three points. I got happy for a bit, wanted to share it with everybody who understood that such results are significant, but that’s it. My legs ache this morning, in a fashion that tells me there was not simply result but progress, and that will be the next indicator of movement towards my required goal. However, that only happened because I pushed past the ache of the previous day’s PT, ignored the pain that would normally have hindered progression. My brain told me it hurt and I shouldn’t, and yet I did.

This is new.


I’ve pushed through pain before, plenty of times. I understand the difference between good and bad. However, yesterday, sitting on the bike, came a thought that I don’t recall having before. You can do better. I don’t ever really coast whilst doing anything anymore, it is either all or nothing and yesterday it would have been effort but not determination. I ended up needing to push, just riding wasn’t enough, because last night was the moment when I grasped there’s nobody else to compete against. I’m not doing this to win. Nobody gets owned and I won’t make somebody a loser.

This is mine, and mine alone.


Right now, a lot of people around me aren’t listening. They don’t care about anything except their own desires and needs, which is perfectly normal… but ultimately, that’s a path I’ve already trodden to ruin. I’m in no position to point out the fallacy because when you’re there it isn’t. So, the future is quite simple. If people aren’t listening, and you’re reasonably convinced they aren’t that bothered, it is simply time to leave. If by the action of doing so you make them think, then maybe that’s a step in the right direction… but the truth is probably that you don’t have that much in common. You have to learn the priorities, what matters to you above what is dictated by everybody else.

Your path exists for a reason, and you should not be afraid to walk it alone.

Yesterday I committed myself to writing a story I’ve wanted to tell for nearly two decades. Once it is done, I now know it will allow me to move past a mental block that has held me back for nearly as long. That hour on the bike last night is proof this is the right course of action. The feeling in my heart right now is the galvanising force required to push past the self-doubt. This is the path you strayed from, but for the most brilliant of reasons. Now, it is time to finish the journey you started.

Let’s go.


Right then. Today is Writing Day. It’s when I stop fucking about and get the long-term projects sorted and finally, after six weeks of avoiding the fucking huge Elephant in my subconscious, we have some real forward motion. I apologise to all those people who’ve watched me prevaricate and thrash about for weeks. The Crisis of Confidence has now been formally identified. It will no longer be tolerated.

I’ve set a time limit, in the hope I’ll hit before it occurs. I’ll start printing out things for my husband to read at the weekend. THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Once I’ve done one, the rest WILL follow. I’ve had enough of doubting my own ability. What I have is GOOD WORK and it is going to get better. If you’ve asked to beta read or edit my stuff? STAND BY.

A change is coming.


Yesterday, I had a meltdown: a full-blown, complete and utter disintegration of mind and body. The stresses of the last couple of weeks, plus a completely ridiculous argument about something that should never have been contentious, to begin with, and BOOM. I’m still not sure how I managed to get through the School Run on the amount of sleep I managed and to say there’s relief that next week is Half Term is an understatement.

Fortunately, the routine has stepped in to save me.


I’ll bump along until Saturday, and then (maybe) there will be a chance to address all the stuff stirred up as a result of this. I’ll keep doing the miles, and losing the pounds and maybe, just maybe along the way I might stop worrying about stuff and enjoying it.

Stranger things have happened.


I’m in the Supermarket an hour ago, buying stuff for next week’s school lunches, thinking about the events of the last three days. There are inevitably points in your life where choices made will have consequences for people other than you. Now I’m here and having to deal with a bunch of these, there are hard decisions to be made.


It would be REALLY easy right now to just shut up the emotional doors and not come out for quite some time, except I’m supposed to be a role model, arbiter and ultimately unaffected. I can be none of these things successfully right now. I feel permanently guilty, even though I KNOW I’m doing the right thing. Nobody told me that I’d feel this much, so deeply, about decisions I’m imagining other people can simply take in their stride. Maybe I just feel too much, or perhaps there wasn’t enough understanding back when the shitty stuff happened. I dunno. 

This is why other people confuse the Hell out of me. I get that I’m not alone, that human behaviour is just contrary and frustrating to others, but all those individuals who don’t have to fret about their choices or seem unaffected by trauma… how is this possible? How do you do this? My emotions have effectively crippled all higher thinking since Thursday. Sure, I’ve kept working and producing content but really, truthfully this is treading water.

I’d like to feel nothing at all for a while.

This song is on repeat in my head right now. I have a way to go to sort out my feelings, I suppose.