Yesterday

I blocked someone who was considered a friend. I’d sent them a gift, hand made. There was no significant reciprocation of my friendship, it was (on reflection) a fairly one-sided affair. I’m writing this to make absolutely clear that the actions of their partner is NOT the reason I finally decided to remove them from my life. The blame for that is theirs alone to shoulder. My stupidity continues to be that trusting people is always the better way. How do you ever grow as a person without taking chances?

Yup, I’m disappointed, and angry, and frustrated, but it’ll pass. This post is for those people who wonder what the fuss is about, and then why I won’t call the person out by name. If it matters enough you can do the homework yourself, it’s all easily searchable. I refuse to spend any more time and effort on this fucking stupidity, and hope the thief in the centre of all of this gets totally roasted for his arrogance but mostly for his utter indifference.

The lesson is learnt. You can’t protect yourself from anything. Everybody has the potential to be an idiot. Most importantly, principle REALLY matters to me, and if you can’t grasp the significance of that in the modern world?

It is unlikely we’ll ever really be friends.

Why Bother?

Today, after a fair bit of ‘polish’ and undoubtedly some improvement, a collection of poems is now off for yet another opportunity to be read by a bunch of people who it is doubtful will either grasp or appreciate the subject matter. I might be lucky, it could hit the target, but more and more likely is the reality that what I’m interested in writing about is not going to get me published.

This realisation has resulted in a fair bit of frustration and annoyance.

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Write what you know, they said, so I have, except nobody else seems to care. Granted, I’ve not been at this very long (it’ll be two years in July) and yes, I’ve won something but that was very much writing what I was told. There’s another couple of those style of works ready to go for other projects and should those manage to make the cut, it will be even more apparent that my best collection of poems is simply… well, too niche for a niche industry.

THEN we might have to bite the bullet and self-publish, and that’s a possibility already being entertained, but to do so all the financial risk ends up on me. Self-publishing is clearly not credible in many people’s minds and eyes and this is where I get increasingly angry and stuff starts flying about. There needs to be more places sought out to try and publish with. Everything needs to be crossed that I may yet hit a big target with a submitted work.

This is all incredibly difficult to sustain as a viable profession long term.

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The key, of course, is persistence. This work is strong, and patience is the key that will unlock every door, in time. Whether I can stay in these places, or whether they will accept me or not as one of their own is largely irrelevant. The desire is mine alone. It is on days like today, when another ten months of potential failure rears its head that there needs to be confidence and belief. Rant all you want, feel better, then take a deep breath and move on.

I know I’m not alone either. This is a battle being fought by thousands on multiple fronts, and it should not matter whether there’s validation or not, except that’s the biggest lie going, and made it into a poem. Write what you know, they said, and so I did just that, I wrote about my anger at nobody listening and caring. Whether it makes the slightest bit of difference I do not yet know, but at least this makes a sore brain feel better.

Some days, you just want to rant.

Let You be Right

We have made it to Friday, and I do not remember the last time looking forward to waking up at 6am and knowing there is no requirement to get up. Mentally, I am beyond tired, and the editing that should have happened yesterday would be a waste of everybody’s time right now. If I had known so much of my soul was going into that poetry at the start there would have been better provision but HEY you live and learn. That means today is menial labour, setting up scheduling for the weekend so work on the poetry can continue unhindered and a shittonne of music.

I’m unravelling right now. This is no bad thing, nothing to panic over. Instead of thrashing about and winding everything tighter, the moment has come to stop fighting.

We’ll let this go.

Selfish

There is a reckoning coming in real life, that can no longer be avoided. The result of which is, like it or not, I have to change. There’s been a lot of thought about it, and on reflection it is exactly what needs to happen to allow everything else to progress. You’ll not hear anything else about this either, it is being recorded here as reminder to self that if you want real, lasting alteration of the circumstances around you? You’re the catalyst.

One day, all of this will be written about, dissected and then undoubtedly used as fuel for more poems and prose. For now, it is a real effort to sit on my hands and say nothing, because finally, after about three decades, I learnt the lesson. However much someone pushes buttons or attempts to manipulate you into the response they want? Not going to happen. Only by dispensing with the toxic and focusing on kindness will you illicit discussion. I’ve had enough of reverse psychology.

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This will come as a disappointment to many people on Social media hoping to get a rise out of me on a contentious issue, but it’s fine, there’ll be someone along in a minute to serve the dopamine hit you so clearly crave. I will not be cornered, and sure as hell refuse to be baited. The scheduled reminder is provided by one of my favourite actors: this is my space and therefor my rules apply. If you don’t like it? Door’s that way.

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I have perilously little time left on this planet as it is, and to waste it on pandering to those who feel their agendas are more important is pointless. It would be a lie to say that there isn’t a lot of anger right now, but instead of allowing that to consume everything and ruin my progress as would previously have been the case, it has all been poured into these words. Instead of a bunch of angst-ridden subtweets, you get this instead.

I’m done living my life like this. You don’t get what you’re angling for, it doesn’t happen now or at any point in the future. My real life is about to change, and then I’m the one who sets terms and not you.

Undoubtedly, you won’t even notice a difference.