The Pleasure Principle

There’s a blog post I could write this morning about how all of us have short memories and fixate on the things that often don’t need fixing at all. Instead of that, there’s a bit of writing, then it is high time some weights were lifted, some cardio undertaken and my own shortcomings taken care of. If we all took as much time correcting the faults in our own lives as was consumed by the critical assassination of others, the World would undoubtedly be a better place.

In fact, that’s what matters more than anything else. Fix myself, as well as is possible (and if that’s not attempt to find someone who can help) and when that’s done to a standard that is acceptable, then there’s the opportunity to consider something else.

Life is too short to obsess about things that are out of your hands.

Round and Round

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Last week wasn’t meant to be a line in the sand, but ended up that way regardless. It means that starting today, there needs to be an awful lot of steps and exercise to maintain momentum.

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That top number’s not accurate either, by the end of yesterday I’d managed 22k steps. Today I’m planning to walk to the Gym after lunch, do an hour of weights then come back, with an hour of cycling in the evening. I start with my new PT on Thursday so it would be useful to look as if there’s an effort being made before then. Most importantly of all, my arm’s now at a stage where exercise is simply an inconvenience and not either painful or an effort.

It is time to get working.

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That first week was when the old drugs were switched for new and body was just exhausted. After that, there has been a slow and steady increase in both effort and ability. I don’t think 12k steps a day is at all unrealistic. I’m not sure 23k a day is doable if there has to be work involved, but that’s a decent point to aim for. There’s half a plan to leave my car in the Gym car park after dropping off my daughter each day next week, exercising and then walking home, before coming back to pick it up for the return School Run.

I doubt anyone would notice that if I did.

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Right, I need to be exercising and now writing now.

Down, Down

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I’ve spoken before about my obsession with weight, for that is what this remains. I think, after 436 attempts to move past five pounds lost, it is probably the moment to accept some shortcomings. I’m dreadful with discipline and patience. It is easier not to think healthily when stressed. Given the chance, eating is the answer to depression, anxiety and anger. Except, as of today, it isn’t anymore. None of these things remains acceptable as a path forward.

How do you realistically alter the habits of a lifetime?

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Instead of obsessing about this to a large audience, it is time to go small. It is incredibly simple to alter long-term habits. You just do it. Inevitably, there will be fuck ups along the way, and then these occur the solution is not to go back to the old ways. However, four hundred and thirty-five times, I’ve not made it past the first hurdle. That alone should be shame-inducing enough to alter course if it is admitted publicly. The bigger issue, however, is the obsession, and that’s something I watch other people do online every day.

That seems to break down into two categories: the people who grasp they are, and those with no idea it is happening. I don’t want to be the person other people laugh at or point towards because there is a fixation with the same subjects, time and again. This should not about making shortcomings public property… except, to shame me sufficiently into alteration, that’s the path that will now be taken. I can’t be back here in a month with a deeper furrow trodden. I am no longer enough. Please take away your motivational posters, and let me accept the failure for what it is.

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The only person this matters to, in the end, is me. However, so much does hang around this goal, and has done historically for years. The tools are now available to complete the task, and yet it remains undone… and there’s understanding now as to why because once this is fixed, there are bigger demons to face. No matter. Getting nowhere is no longer an option. Wasting time on things and people who do not care is also part of the past. The future is written on my terms.

The next time we talk about this, I’ll have my 10 pounds lost badge.

The Other Side

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Yesterday did not run to plan. However, the consequences of not getting what I wanted to be done are variously awesome: a couple of large domestic issues are solved, there’s a brand new shower door, and a lot of my daughter’s workspaces are considerably less cluttered and crowded than was the case. There’s four bags of recycling prepared, another three of rubbish, and I’ve managed to set up my Pedometer with the Zwift app so can start running/walking online tomorrow. All in, all, yesterday exceeded expectation.

It’s a chastening experience when you grasp that a lot of your own frustration is borne from the fact others won’t do stuff in the order you wanted. It is part of my own selfishness that has always run over into home life, and it takes a series of events such as the ones that happened yesterday to make me grasp the wider significance. It meant dropping everything and spending an hour cleaning old mastic off tiles, and making it possible for my husband to go buy the stuff needed to finish the shower door job. It was, and really is, remarkably mundane, and illuminated in my head a basic understanding.

I suspect this is all completely normal thinking processes for everybody else.

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Therefore, this morning the schedule’s gonna be rearranged a bit too. Always on the cards was a trip to a Retro/Vintage Fair in town, but this afternoon after I’ve worked a bit I’ll reorganise my plan from yesterday: clear out crap, increase space and generally make the world around my working space more conducive to, you know, working.

Let’s get started.

Hit Me with your Rhythm Stick

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Things that I have learnt from the last week include the following:

  • White bread is now The Enemy. No more sneaky nicking a pretzel anymore for lunch. If I want poached eggs, granary only. I don’t care if your brain screams nostalgia, having lost my gallbladder now means body bloats like it is a balloon full of helium. Just don’t. There is other stuff too. Just eat better. You know what the benefits are when that happens, so why won’t you fully commit?
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  • My body is not happy for at least 120 hours after giving blood. That means next time there’ll need to be a full week of light exercise, building back to normal. 72 hours is not enough. As I’ve crashed three times now at the same point each time, under the exact same conditions, this is a decent sign to accept that for a sacrifice, there are consequences. I feel pretty good this morning though, so that’s good.
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  • My personal life is a fucking mess. I spent an hour this morning sorting portions of that out, and once I’ve done the writing here there’ll be some effort to alter some more. Professionally, however, it’s looking decent. Maybe everything is impossible, but until it is tried, how will I know?
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  • It is time for a Minimalism purge. Schedule a day to clear the PC. Time to unsubscribe from a bunch of mailing lists too. Make everything simpler. You do not need the clutter. You do not need all of this stuff, it’s a crutch you should be running without.
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No more fucking about. Let’s get to it.

The Last Time

header109Having a day off yesterday was REALLY useful, not simply for the fact I could stop worrying about anything except getting my novel written.

My organisation is pretty solid as it stands, next step in proceedings is getting more things written and finished before time. That will require more calendar reliance, and I’m considering taking a whole weekday simply for doing this. Normally my planning happens on a Sunday, but as the weather improves, I will be expecting to spend a lot more time outdoors with training. Therefore, as from tomorrow, it is time to rearrange my Planner. There’ll be more of this in the Writing blog, but I can see a lot of benefit in making what is normally my most difficult day of the week the one where most of the work has to get done.

The novel got a bit stuck on Thursday, but yesterday was fairly revelatory, and we have progress. I’ll argue that about 5k of what was written will not actually survive a final draft. I didn’t expect to be writing stuff from scratch after eighteen years, but it is happening, mostly because of the fundamental changes in my mental outlook. That means that the 28th is not the end of this, by some way. This will have to be added to the list of things to organise, but I need to be at the Gym now, and then do a 50k bike ride. I’d like to do some gaming stuff as well today, so let’s see how much we can get done.

I’ve spent more money than expected this weekend on gaming. If I don’t use it, I’ll consider cancelling everything until the new Expansion comes.

Let’s see how it goes.

Closing Time

Putting on my leggings this morning, I had a back spasm. I know a guy who had weeks of painful repercussion simply from picking up his daughter, another who turned his head suddenly and slipped a neck disk. Sometimes, however careful you are, this shit just happens. I’ve ingested the standard painkillers, will take it easy and won’t do anything strenuous until Wednesday’s PT session. Not only does this shit happen, but I am well versed with the means by which you deal with it. Lying around all day complaining is not an answer, though it might be a wish for some. For me, there is really too much to do. It really doesn’t matter we’re in half term either.

My career is not going to progress itself.

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This morning I dropped my old car off for the last MOT I will have to pay for, as it is now consigned to the chronology of vehicles I used to own. It will still be driven for a while yet, however, but a replacement is ordered. It’s smaller and petrol, and I suspect might be the last fossil-fueled vehicle I ever possess. After that, it will be a tricycle or my feet, and that will be totally fine. My son has already professed a complete lack of desire to learn to drive, stating there are far more important things he ought to be doing. Public transport suits him fine, and I have a measure of empathy with this statement. I’d love to call time on this county’s obsession with cars as transport. Maybe my son could be the first step.

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I’ve also got half a mind to start taking pictures every day from now on, just as a means to give my brain summat to relax with. The weekend was enormously stressful, and I would venture to suggest a lot of my body woes are wrapped around the trauma that created. Therefore having something to do other than working at a PC or a bike will be hugely beneficial long term. I ought to do yoga too, but that’s not really a half term pursuit. For now, the daily walk will get some air in my lungs, wake up the brain and give more content.

After that, we can busk the rest.