Confusion the Waitress

Monday, it must be said, seems a very long way away.

It didn’t help this week that I’ve not had a regular PT session, that my son spent Monday and Tuesday at home, that I spoke to a Therapist on Wednesday and yesterday went outside for longer on my own than I have been for a while. This morning, therefore, I inserted 45 minutes of ashtanga yoga into my day and frankly, the benefits make me wish I’d done this again sooner. The biggest problem I’m having right now, without a doubt, is making sure what I want to do actually gets accomplished. My brain would rather stop thinking, especially with some of the frightening stories I’m reading from across the Globe. I have to remember that there’s only one thing I can control, and that’s myself, so above all else that needs to work ahead of anything.

I am now considering Mindfulness as a way forward in my personal development.

onthego

There is an online course which costs a paltry £30 to access, and I can’t honestly see why I shouldn’t be doing it, especially as my therapist suggested I’m probably going to get at least some kind of benefit from just listening through to the concepts once. Having a willing and open mind can often be a hindrance, because everything gets taken in, good and bad, and then it is up to me to filter and find a level for it all. These are techniques that have fascinated a curious mind for years anyway: rooted in Buddhism, the desire to eliminate noise and to learn to focus on things that really matter whilst elimination the stuff that doesn’t. With a world that is full of stuff I cannot influence, there needs to be a means by which I separate the possible from the damaging.

This, to be honest, seems a great way forward.

mylifegif.gif

I’m tired of accepting there’s no better way. This is an alternative that I’m prepared to grasp, and willing to learn. If it helps me sleep better and feel more confident, it will have been worth the effort alone, and for the price of a meal out? It’s hardly going to impact on my finances. I’ll take the first part on Monday before my PT, and we’ll see where we are from there. I’ll keep you updated on how things go, but I’m already cautiously optimistic that this could be a significant breakthrough, and if it is I will be falling over myself to share. What I really need right now is a continued and clear path forward, but without anybody else’s agenda to worry about but my own.

I think, on consideration, I have absolutely nothing to lose.

Afraid of the Dark


I’m not talking to you when I write a blog
. You, reading this now and then assuming that we have this glorious and intimate relationship via the Internet, do not understand how language works.

My biggest issue, without doubt in the last couple of years, has arisen when some bloke who found me attractive then concluded that my blog posts were some kind of bizarre confirmation of their desire being reciprocated.

This has played out more than once, and I have found myself wondering each time the scenario unfolded, why on earth my combination of letters and spaces would be enough to make someone form an unhealthy attachment, under the assumption that this was somehow acceptance of their misguided belief.

burn

The problem when you write a Blog, undoubtedly, is how to get people to read and remain past the first paragraph. That’s why SEO (how spider robots stick your posts at the top of Google search engines for maximum visibility) has become de rigeur: the start of each article I write ought to look like the one above to let people take in a sentence at a time. The problem for me however is when I give into this and accept I’m just here to get the views, the entire point of my personal mantra effectively disintegrates. I WRITE FOR MYSELF. Everybody is out here, shuffling and hustling their own particular ‘version’ of blogged reality and sadly, most involve you never getting past 600 words or having to think for more than three minutes tops. If that’s you, I’ve already disappointed so maybe it’s time to start attacking me for not being honest.

africa.png

Words are clever; rigid yet tactile. I’ve learnt the lesson now not to promise too much, I won’t publish if something’s not good enough, and if I need more time it will be taken and not simply rushed out. These are my rules, and I refuse to allow other people to dictate what is done or not. As I learn the process better it becomes less about how you do something but why, and the messages I send need to use words in the optimum manner. Swearing is not abusive to anyone else if all you do is use it chastise yourself. The problem undoubtedly arises when a person arbitrarily decides that you are a problem because you refuse to play by the same ‘rules’ they do. Then, I’ll tell you to fuck off, and be perfectly justified in using swearing to reinforce a point. Nobody asked you to turn up and police me, thanks very much. Go find somebody else to vilify.

CARES

The problems inevitably arise when you threaten people, or attack by name. If you’re stupid enough to do that in a public forum and the person upset is smart enough to know what they’ve seen is libellous… well, we all know how that story ends. You might think I’m talking about you or someone you know but without names, that’s all you have, a might. Some stories will never get discussed. What you consider important I might look at as irrelevance. That’s the great thing about words. They can do whatever you want, assuming you have the correct mastery over them. You thought grinding in gaming was hard? Try 50 years of attempting to get words to do what you want.

typing

What this all boils down to is incredibly simple: freedom. While I still hold breath in my lungs and have the ability to put fingers on keys, I am here to speak freely. Some of it will be self indulgent, but hopefully not to much. Maybe I’ll get lucky once in a while and hit all the right letters and spaces to produce things that are worthwhile. I certainly intend to try and help people more going forward, and make sure that I don’t allow injustice or stupidity any place in proceedings. In the end, all I can do is what I’m best at, and that remains the ability to string words into sentences. Everything else is an uphill struggle. If I practice every day, maybe by the time I hit 51, I will have finally begun to live a dream I  was too stupid to ever start working on in my 20’s.

The only way to find out is to try.

Look Away

Something happened this morning, in the Gym. I ran fast, but in my mind I was in slow motion. My legs extended and stretched and the stride became this huge, brilliant and totally relaxed combination. Yeah, by 300 metres I was gasping for breath but that’s only because lungs need to read the memo my body sent that once you grasp how to totally cheat a Thing, you should do the Thing immediately. I know how to spoof running. It’s easy now, and I’m almost at the stage where I can spoof weightlifting too. Couple more weeks on my own… but that’s not why I’m here.

Today there was the guy who stared at me whilst I did bar work, and not in a nice way. I’ve been at this long enough to grasp the difference between watching form and perving, Guys, don’t you start at me for not simply appreciating a pretty woman. I’m not here to be attractive, and this guy was only interested in my body. Plus, it was very cold in the Gym and my nipples aren’t exactly the size of Smarties any more. So, once I’d done my last set and upped the weights so I could use the bar for some core work, I went and stared at him as he lifted some dumbbells, and in very short order he asked me what I was doing.

epic_recovery

‘Oh, I’m showing you how uncomfortable it is when someone watches only certain parts of your body,’ I responded ‘and perhaps next time you choose to do that at someone else you’ll consider just how demeaning this feeling can be.’ Then I left him to go do bloke stuff with his weights, and by the time I looked up again he’d vanished. I wonder if I’ll get any comeback from this, but frankly I don’t care. This morning I handed in an extended feedback letter over to the management on how the membership treat the staff in my Gym, and talked about how things can be changed to improve the situation. Ironically at no point did I even consider sexism or casual stalking as a talking point because, up until now, it has not been a problem. I may be shit at names but I am very good with faces. This guy is on my watch list.

It is undoubtedly the membership of the Gym that’s the issue, but because the staff are so lovely, I’m prepared to accept that as a hazard. They can’t help who uses the place, after all, and as I know only too well everybody has the potential to be a Class A Twat at any given point? You accept the danger and live with it. What has changed however between then and now is the fact that before I’d have simply ignored the tosser and moved on, but at this point in existence that’s not enough. It’s like this morning when something gaming related flicked past on the feed and I felt almost obliged to point out that if you’re lucky enough to have internet access, a PC and a roof over your head, complaining that a game makes you work too hard’s pretty fucking rich to begin with.

Yes, you’re an entitled dicksplash.

and

Honestly, some of you people really do need a reality check as a matter of urgency.