Musclebound

… and you’re back in the room.

This weekend has taught me a lot about stamina: not just getting my legs to a place where I can sweat out a training programme without fear, but how things really can improve if you stop giving up. It is about pushing through the pain and discomfort, and so much else. Knowing what you can and cannot do are important benchmarks. Once marked, eating into them, subsequently improving them is less terrifying, because they’re static.

Someone I care a great deal about pointed out to me recently my propensity to try and do everything simultaneously, and how that ultimately is destructive. Yes, it absolutely is. I freely admit this, and will happily attest that having a brain that decides everything is possible when nothing is fixed is a sure fire way to hamstring yourself. It’s happened for years.

Not any more.

As it transpires, taking a day off was all that was needed to let my brain relax into new ideas. Therefore, I will start scheduling rest days for writing as well as exercise. It also helps immensely that everything that was done last week was scheduled into next week, thus freeing up a ton of space that previously did not exist. I’ve also recycled an inordinate amount of old work into new spaces.

There is also some though being given to dismissing an original plan and producing something completely left field as my inaugural self-publicised work. It is already made, which in itself saves on effort. I’m still thinking about the options available. If you’re a Patron, I’ll be talking about it more this week via your blogs, and on the IoW website.

There is suddenly a great deal of possibility in the air.

The Gift

I was appropriated yesterday, and am still working my brain around the coup. I wondered if that was the right word to describe the action, on reflection, but if we start with the kids’ dictionary today:

My disappointment, because that’s what it is, lies around other people wanting to make sure their own arses are covered. I understand how all this stuff works: politics is easy to see at distance than it ever is close up. How it is now dealt with is less clear, but I’m reasonably confident the Universe will already be organising suitable redemption.

Hang on, is this you trusting to fate? Kids, we all know that fate and destiny are constructs, just like lots of other environmental factors have nothing to do with the reality people find themselves within. In the midst of chaos, everybody’s looking for an angle, a spiel… a grift. The Grift is very strong right now, for lots of people.

A lot of manipulation occurs online (and with intellectual property) that really shouldn’t happen at all: the Internet’s always been a pretty fertile ground for cons. Some people’s long games are incredibly successful, after all. If all that matters is saving face with someone else, how far will you go to bury someone else to save yourself…? I know how far some already do.

Today’s blog post therefore is understanding I’m playing a different, more ethical long game. Never grifting, zero appropriation. I leave that to other people, and understanding the landscape in which I find myself is quite important. Therefore, today is all about just doing what matters first for myself, and putting everything else to one side.

Life comes at you fast. Reacting quickly is a skill I need to practice.

Just a Little

I thought for a bit about live-tweeting my Trauma episodes: however I respect you guys far too much for that. So, instead, we’re going to blog them, for no other reason than if I can forget things so comprehensively for a lifetime and then have them come back as if I’d lived them 15 minutes ago? Recording those reactions might be useful.

Let’s start with yesterday’s Instagram photo.

That’s not hyperbole either. I didn’t remember taking that photo yesterday. That’s before the kitchen was refitted, because this was the year it happened. Then, this morning, walking round my 6k ‘block’ of space in which I was supposed to be thinking about editing (which in fairness happened quite a bit) it came back to me. You needed to be accountable.

I took that picture because, for the first time, I felt capable. That confidence still comes and goes over time: right now there’s a definite effort being made in my head to separate what I think is attractive from what is real. The former’s still massively influenced by factors that aren’t healthy: weight, ability, other people. A bi-weekly Zoom meeting is beginning to help grant much needed perspective.

For long periods of my life have I refused to look at myself at all.

The last time I wore make-up was my wedding, so that will be over twenty years, and that was because the pictures were going to other people. I didn’t care what I looked like but EVERYBODY else suggested I should make the effort, so did. The idea of make-up was approached again recently. I have foundation, expensive stuff, sitting unused in a bag upstairs.

Why don’t I want to wear it? That’s easy. There is already enough hiding. The stage has been reached where people accept me like this, faults and all : I don’t need to dress up and go out to make me feel better. Fixing the basic stuff that’s broken in my head is a bigger priority. Once that’s dealt with, honestly, I cannot see me using make up ever again.

It might change, but right now that looks doubtful.

I am making myself do stuff that is uncomfortable in the coming weeks, but not that is against what I know is the true essence of myself, and makeup never really worked for me. It always felt like I was pretending to be someone else. When you can’t really and truthfully identify what you are in the first place, that causes a lot of confusion. I tend to do a lot of things because other people tell me that’s a good idea, and that has to change.

I know they want me to be happy when this is suggested, and I get the reasoning behind all the stuff that’s presented. However, what makes me happiest is often when I’m allowed just to be the person who doesn’t like what everybody else is raving about, or who isn’t immersed in the latest thing. Just a book, or a computer to work on, some food and people to talk to. All the other stuff is distraction from reality.

I think what is becoming increasingly apparent is that the world and I work slightly out of alignment. Normal is easy, what I need now is hard and difficult and it is to challenge the substance of my being to move forward in a fashion that truly represents my actuality, for the first time ever. When you’ve never really defined yourself properly, that can seem quite frightening.

The first stage of all of this is to be more confident in myself.

Rip It Up

The Patreon’s been running for a month, and I already think it is time to rearrange a few things. One of the biggest issues last time this project was undertaken was not really thinking through what worked (and didn’t) as I went along, which ended up causing me stress in the long term. This is different, however: after a lot of effort, there are copious notes being made. I know what’s possible this time around.

Therefore today, after the scheduled content is prepared for delivery and I’ve thrown some abuse at my video editing programme (again) there will be discussion, with my Patrons, of a new set of ‘stretch’ goals. Going forward, I know already that at least one of my goals is unrealistic, looking at the amount of time it has taken to produce content in the first place.

Time to be sensible and not destroy this new momentum.

PE Vol 1 Issue 1_ Imaginer of Worlds (2)

I’ve ended up adding some stuff to the first ‘proper’ PE rather than taking anything away or sticking with a LANzine that felt ‘light’ on content. Every page has a purpose, which was the point of all this in the first place. Whether I can garner any new patrons on the back of it is yet to be seen, but I don’t feel it’s unrealistic to maybe pick up someone new this month as a result. The poof of the pudding, as they say…

That means I really shouldn’t be here at all, but with another hat on, in another virtual department of my burgeoning Digital Empire…

Ashes

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You can see my brain shortcomings in this tweet. I have a habit of word repetition in instant responses; one of the things being worked at going forward is to lose the pointless stuff via the immediacy of social media speech. Two ‘just’s in a row might seem a pretty nit-picky hill to die on, but it has an important, psychological significance to a woman who’s been fighting her ability to communicate for decades.

Now we’ve got the upper hand there is no giving up.

jokerherewego

I’ve just come back from the third day in the Gym, in a row. There’ll be a rest day on Friday, plus I’m away for the weekend on what’s being semi-subtitled as a writing retreat and which includes a couple of hours in a Spa. I’m intending then to run outside, because its closed roads and no pressure, but I could easily ride instead. However, what is abundantly apparent is that harder stuff is becoming easier. If the amount of sweat over the last three days is any indicator, I’m DEFINITELY improving. Weights were up, distances are extended, weight is down.

This is a new area of unexplored territory.