Right now, a lot of what I am doing feels as if I am flailing around in the dark with absolutely no lights. It is hard when everyone else around you appears to be notionally doing better, however untrue this may actually appear to be. I know how all the motivational stuff works, how it’s important to keep yourself busy and grounded, but when all you feel is numb and disconnected that can be hard work.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been disappointed twice this week by people I thought would be nicer than they actually are. Having said that, someone said something to me today that took my breath away: so kind and thoughtful.

Compliments are still a hard ask.

The Rip

Some days, it isn’t about being right, or sticking to the plan. I don’t care what anybody tells you, even the most dedicated individuals have to take a day off occasionally. It’s not just good for the soul, but can unlock vital creativity. Not today for me though, I walked from A – B – C – A without a thought in my head. Honestly, it was GLORIOUS to be out, in a body that is still quietly celebrating how restorative 40 minutes of Yoga was yesterday.

It means that I also just spent an hour quietly and sensible explaining to someone why it would be really useful that they sort out what the actual fuck is going on with something that’s been broken for three months now and isn’t my job to fix properly. Once upon a time I’d have just found reasons to not go and make a fuss; this is no longer the person I am, fortunately for everybody around me.

Also, stuff like this no longer makes me angry. I’m just here FOR GREAT JUSTICE.


Also, this is me at Blaze after almost a week away from it and remembering that yeah this is a) fun and b) I’m using the same weights as the 6’4″ hunk to my right, who frankly isn’t even trying throughout the entire class. I’d been running for 90 seconds before he even got legs moving on all three rounds, and it does not matter how good you look, Sir, if you’re not putting in the effort what is even the point?

If you’re gonna do any of this stuff, I mean properly do it, at some point there has to be that lightbulb moment where it stops being a chore and you let go, or else exercise just becomes another random ‘thing’ you ‘do’ because a bunch of other people told you it was a good idea. There’s an increasing number of people in my Gym like this, and no doubt we’ll get to March and everyone will have summarily vanished again.

T’was ever thus.


I have no idea what is gonna happen this year, and that’s making me quite happy. There’s no attainment goal, or ‘I gotta get X done by Y’ because right now there’s far too much fun just doing what feels right. Last year ended up with me tied to a routine that was effectively sending me nowhere. This year, if I wake up and wanna just throw away the plan, that’s what’s gonna happen.

Spontaneity is back, and it’s fucking awesome.