Melody of Love

Putting in the work provides rewards. WHO KNEW?

My Blaze mentality is changing. Red numbers are for other people to fret about. The staff have a poem of mine now, which makes it abundantly clear I didn’t just sign up to this for the physical benefits of exercise. Yes, I’m pushing to improve my attainment and YES that’s utterly happening, but outside the Strength, Combat and Treadmill Zones. You want to give people the experience of being better? They have to do the work.

I’ll be over here, doing just that.

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What you can’t see right now and only I can feel is the physical change to ability and stamina. I’m not getting tired lifting stuff. I can run without needing to hold onto the treadmill. However, when exhaustion hits BOY does it do that. This isn’t a problem per se, just means there needs to be some pacing along the way. It’ll happen, I’ve got months to work this shit out. It’s the stuff in-between that now matters more.

The negatives have been a game changer. The other thing you can’t see either is my waistline, that when I look down at the scales in the morning there’s nothing obscuring my feet any more. Waistline is shrinking, stomach flattening, and that alone is worth all the stress and pain. However, the biggest indicator of effort happens when I can’t see it, and that’s just brilliant.

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My sleep pattern, pretty much shot since the menopause began, is showing slow signs of recovery. The harder I work, the better it gets. One assumes this is as a result of physical effort requiring more downtime to recover from, and therefore the rest of my body (and brain) benefits from the experience. I was tired this morning, not mentally which is normally the case but in legs that are now moving past maintenance and into summat far more interesting.

I am totally ready for this next step forward.

Let Down

Next week, I start a new project on top of my existing workload. I have no idea how it’s going to go, but it gives an important space for my writing to evolve out of the place it now exists to become something better. I’ll be kicking off the site with the poems previously entered as contest work, but which failed to make an impression. After that, there will be photography, written work, music and art. It’s an online fanzine, which will be a combination (hopefully) of all the best bits of existence, as perceived from here.

It will also be unabashedly nerdy, but with a distinctly personal slant.

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It is time, I feel, to stop pretending my past never existed. Although I sure as fuck wouldn’t want to live there for any protracted period of time, there’s a lot to be said for having grown up during massive political and social tension, and then to have watched the last 40 years pan out from a female perspective. It is all useful and usable source material, which should give some interesting viewpoints.

This is something that I’ve wanted to do, off and on for decades. More importantly, I’ll be creating a physical version of the digital content, allowing an ageing brain to get to grips with new software. That part of things is still being worked on, plus there is some clever digital gubbins also on the page (as it were.) All of it will become clear starting next week. This time, I’m happy my plan’s gonna keep momentum going for a while. Plus, this year’s holiday becomes my opening subject matter.

No blagging whilst away from this influencer, don’t worry.

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I also have some serious aspirations with a camera, but we’ll come to that later.

Wide Open Space

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You ever had a day when you realised the fundamental problem in everything was you?

Once upon a time, when this used to happen (and it did quite often, coinciding with hormonal change before or during menstruation) I’d just go backwards. There’d be rows, recrimination and ultimately tears: yesterday all of those happened, but not in the way they had before. In fact, on reflection, Thursday ended up the best day of the week. Even with five hours sleep I know that yesterday was incredibly important. I’ll write about the literary consequences in the appropriate place but psychologically, we are breaking new ground. I’m pretty confident the meditation is what is helping (and I’ll be doing a practice later) but there are other, more subtle factors at play.

I find looking at myself intimidating, and yet next month am planning to start a video diary, mostly because of just that. Laying yourself bare is not an issue a lot of the current generation have, because they have grown up with the visual very much front and centre. For me, it is the last bastion of uncertainty. Now I am pretty comfortable with what I am, that there doesn’t need to be makeup or a particular type of ‘look’ to merit comfort, the time has come to start playing about with visuals. I’m also considering doing audio only readings of poetry with musical accompaniment for Patreon, so everything is coming together quite nicely.

What is at the core of all of this, inevitably, is familiarity with myself, which hasn’t happened for quite some years. This is due to a very particular set of circumstances which, one day, I will pluck up courage to share with the World. For now, the people who do know have been hugely supportive and understanding, and that’s probably all that is required as a result. I’ve also had enough of those people who come to read my stuff and are arrogant and self-centred enough to believe I’m talking about them. For the record, if you piss me off in the future, I’ll use names and make sure EVERYBODY knows what fucking tools you people are.

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The main reason I know things are getting better is because I’m still working on a domestic project I began on Sunday. I didn’t get bored, or lose interest, or think the whole thing wasn’t worthwhile. I’m still going, and today (after a second scheduled PT for the week) I’ll be carrying on. My personal sanity now depends not simply on internal factors, but the external too. If I can improve everything around me, not simply myself, the benefits are becoming immediately obvious.

The key here is to keep moving forward.

You’re Not Alone

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This is the worst things have been since surgery. It isn’t the pain, or the stuff going on with my body (of which there is a lot, it must be said) but my simple inability to cope with the way life has irreversibly changed. It doesn’t help that my inner ears are still not 100% functioning as they should, that I can’t sleep in more than four hour blocks, or that I’m tired in a way that has never been experienced before. All these are surmountable with the support I have. What isn’t happening is recovery at the speed I’d hoped. However, with that said, I feel confident I can walk to and from the Gym tomorrow. That’s the next step in rehabilitation.

This is a day I just have to push through.

I didn’t wake up on Tuesday and suddenly feel better. This surgery has not instantly lifted a weight from my mind either. I’m still afraid of what I eat, but for different reasons. A previously healthy body is in a fair amount of turmoil that I didn’t want and now have to deal with. Mostly I am as miserable as fuck with tons of pain where none existed before, and that’s the most depressing part of everything. Fortunately, I remember this happening before, and the consequences of those three months on the whole of my life, and I will NOT allow the hovering dark cloud to consume me. I’ve come too far for that. It won’t happen. I am stronger than that, and this will pass.

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The most important task today is to get my sleep pattern back to something approximating normal. If it means pushing through, then I will. I am putting a lot of effort into focussing on tasks and not allowing mind to wander.

Today will not beat me.

Grey Day

Yesterday, I’ll admit, I ground to a halt. Weather and mental trauma came to a head, and I walked to the shops where the means to make a massive ham and cheese demi-baguette on seeded Sourdough was purchased, before being eaten in one sitting. Then, I noshed a quarter of a chocolate cake (first treat since late December) and then followed a large pie for dinner. No veggies, nothing healthy, I just ATE as if life depended on it and this morning, apart from the stomach ache, I was better for it. My body, which has been brilliant surviving pretty much on subsistence for a fortnight, directed the traffic. What made things better still was being able to get into size 12 underwear for the first time since 2006, and the ten hours of sleep my body afforded me on the back of my massive carbohydrate binge. It never occurred to me it might be food affecting sleep, but now I may reconsider the landscape a bit.

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Once the snow stops (nothing more than a token effort) and I’ve done chores I’m off to the Gym for a protracted and much needed workout, because with half term underway I’ll be having to divide time elsewhere, and the business of exercise at the weekend has really begun to matter to me. After that, I’m still not able to get my brain around writing, and to stop stressing myself over this there will be much needed time away from a screen sorting out underwear drawers for new additions and cleaning up unnecessary items in anticipation of Spring’s arrival. There’s a phenomenal amount of crap in this house that is still utterly unnecessary, and it is high time that large portions of it were removed and put elsewhere.

Maybe then I can get on with the business of organising my life as I’d like it.