Arms and back hurt this morning. My arse is numb in all the right places. There is no doubt I worked hard, but you don’t get gains in a day. This is not how we play the Long Game, which is both frustrating and disheartening when you look at yourself in the mirror and actively hate what is reflected back. Being in Lockdown will expose a lot of truths that maybe could have been best left undisturbed.
These are the consequences of running away from yourself for too long. Eventually, like it or not, you will have to stop and recover and if you aren’t smart, all those carefully-crafted conceits and well-packed issues will just explode all over an already chaotic and frustrating personal life. This was me at the end of 2018. I thought I’d been so smart, but really it was all just waiting to combust within my brain, where it did.
Sometimes, what you think is enough ends up as anything but.
Nobody wants to hear this shit in the midst of a global panic, but life has never been fair or really cared a fuck about what you need at any given moment. If working flat out still feels like it’s not enough, or the exact opposite makes you believe that you’re somehow being untrue to this time as potential for growth, neither are accurate. You don’t have to listen to anybody but yourself… but there will have to be dialogue.
Judging progress by other people’s notional ideas of success is a hiding to nothing. Taking satisfaction in your own work, feeling happy and contented you are doing enough and what other people say is just that, words and nothing else, was one of the hardest things I ever had to grasp. I will keep saying this until I am blue in the face: if someone does not agree or ascribe to what you do or say, it is their problem and not yours.
Life has never been a popularity contest, despite what everybody else believes.
I know why I am what this is, a life that is only now falling into place. Years of thinking I needed other people’s validation, when all that was really required was belief in myself. The rest of the World remains quite important in this process, whether I like it or not. Watching other people is dangerous. It needs to happen as a learning tool, and an exercise in approach, but you don’t have to be them.
Be yourself first. Nobody else can ever do that as well as you.