Believe

It’s a galling admission to stand in front of the room and admit, at least in part, that you’ve been conned. It’s even worse a personal revelation to grasp that actually, when all was said and done, you didn’t mind either, not one bit. When you’re lost and suddenly a friendly, judgement-free space appears to support you, it’s incredibly simple to not ask the right questions and just have a long, well-deserved rest.

Except life moves on, whilst inevitably you don’t. Eventually, other requirements supersede the basic need to just be safe, and there’s a choice to be made. It’s hard watching other people vanish around you, because inevitably a part of the brain assumes that you’re the reason. Well, my brain did, for the longest time, until with enough space between trauma and me, reality was able to establish a foothold.

Everybody leaves. That’s how life works.

haterstotheleft

Last year was when I finally started doing stuff really, just for me. This year will not only continue this trend but publicly acknowledge that gaming companies are not my family, despite many of my friends choosing to work for them. I have 100% support for them all, knowing they have discovered a place where they are truly happy. I’ll be honest too, I’m a little jealous of those who can find a place to be comfortable like this.

I know what I want to be, but there is no destination to be clearly marked. A company does not exist which is the combination of factors I crave so badly, which might explain why going it alone is by far the most sensible alternative.That makes pursuing dreams that little bit harder as a result, but nothing now is going to stop me pushing for what matters so much. Whatever the way, I will find it. We will go there.

cycling-hero

I am still quite naive, when all is said and done, and that makes me naturally very reticent whenever something new or unexpected appears in my life. There’s also a remarkable amount of social anxiety that is yet to be dealt with, and will only finally be exorcised by continual exposure to situations where I have no choice but to interact. At least now when someone does stop talking to me or vanishes, it’s not painful.

There’s always going to be more emotional attachment on my side of the equation than ever happens with other people, I get this now. It’s just the way things are. Accepting your own shortcomings is a significant part of the growth process: it makes life easier to deal with, and ultimately will reward you with valuable insight about yourself and others. Remembering to keep loss as a small part of existence is the lesson that still isn’t really accepted.

I doubt I ever will either.