Carboot Soul

My phone finally died yesterday: the battery appears to have… well, expanded in place, which really does not fill me with massive enthusiasm that it’s safe. My husband has very kindly stepped in and is sourcing me a previously-enjoyed replacement unit. He doesn’t like to use the words ‘second hand’ when it comes to tech, but that’s what we should all be doing. It should not matter that you don’t own the latest, or the best.

I’m seeing a lot of tech snobbery of late, embarrassed to say I was a snob earlier this week myself. The assumption that if you own the latest thing then everybody else must too is… well, dangerous. It will also make you look pretty stupid in certain positions: my PC has only a monitor, no (functioning) webcam as yet, and good sound is a massive faff to achieve. I could have used my phone yesterday for Zoom, were it working.

meintheclub

What this is telling me, of course, is that I need to extract the digit and organise myself better. The truth, under all of this, is that massive group meetings scare the fuck out of me. All those ‘benefits’ that normal people will gain from the notion of being part of a participative event set me screaming. I’ve never worked well in those situations, doubt I ever will. The best work is done with communication on a one to one basis.

Then, everything else gets blocked out and I can focus on a person, the job in hand. That’s probably a lot to do with why I’m currently really not stressing about the whole being locked inside thing nearly as much as everybody else seems to be. I get there are lives and jobs and the like on the line, and I’m indescribably grateful to my husband who has heavy lifted all of us through this because of my health issues.

The fact remains, I was built for Lockdown.

timbrownworldtyping

That means, starting today, it’s probably an idea to start taking a few things a bit more seriously than previously. I have some cycling PB’s that won’t get broken without a concerted redefinition of training goals. It is the moment to start getting serious, and shit to become real again. Plus yesterday, after throwing a submission together and writing a cracking poem, it might be the moment to use all this grief constructively too.

Let’s see how we can do this day better than yesterday.

White Noise White Heat

Might be Thursday, feels like about a month since Sunday. I’ve rearranged the Patreon schedule a bit because frankly, there is very little of value in my brain right now. About 80% of the stuff that needs doing’s ready to go, but that 20% which remains encompasses all the thorny, hard stuff and nope, brain just wants to stare into the middle distance and ignore most efforts to engage.

It does not help that yesterday became incredibly stressful in a very concentrated, two hour burst. The outcome however was major: I’ll talk about that on Patreon today, and not here, in the hope that I might tempt some of you to come and join me. It’s only $4 a month to access all the blogs there, but appreciate that even that is a stretch for many people right now. Your definition of paltry is relative.

shun the prole

I’m at the stage where subbing to anything new is impossible, so am totally with you if the rush by so many creatives to ‘go digital’ is leaving you cold. However, this is my life now, like it or not, and I am determined to push the Patreon and Gumroad quite hard as the year goes on. However, there needs to be some other stuff done too, so today instead of stressing about how I make new things, we’ll recycle some old.

There’s at least one submission window in which older work can be repurposed, but it will require quite a bit more tea than has been currently consumed just to negotiate the online process. This is often more stressful than writing the actual work, if truth be told. However, it’s worthwhile if I can find another publication inroad: that’s the key, in all of this. Everything is publicity.

If people don’t know you exist, how will you ever be discovered?

Illsithee

Progress is hard, and if you’re carrying emotional baggage, extremely tiring. However, there was a period of about ninety minutes yesterday when I was on a high the likes of which has not been experienced for… well, decades. Achievement really is its’ own reward if done well, and yesterday was the first time since before my kids were born that I’ve been able to stand up, say what I wanted to say in the manner that mattered and solve a problem.

That, it has to be said, is a MASSIVE step forward.

Get it Right Next Time

What day is it again?

I shouldn’t be blogging today, Thursday is my day off, but so much has happened: there needs to be a record of where this next part of the journey begins. Without too much detail (which might come in retrospect, I dunno) yesterday saw a self-referral to a mental health organisation for counselling. Trying to work through my doctor has not produced either results or care that should be expected under the circumstances. This is a time of massive change within that particular sector of healthcare and my practice is run by doctors in their 70’s, so this is not as massive a surprise as it could be.

I’m able to function as a human being, depression being very much under control. My mental issues neither restrict or hinder daily life. I have developed a raft of coping strategies that allow an extremely competent illusion of stability and normality when high function and reasoning fail. Being a mimic is a fantastic means by which truths can be hidden, but there comes a point where this is not enough. Yesterday was the day therefore to go ask someone else to fix things that are so broken I cannot repair them alone.

The process has begun.

The Next Chapter Bar

My PT’s on her way back from a much needed holiday. All my health data has been shared with her via the Red Belt of Unavoidable Truths so, when she’s back in the game next week, we can start working out how I get stronger. That’s really easy: more hard work, less bad food, a desire to improve. Just gotta keep putting in the effort. Talking of which, it is Thursday, and tonight I don’t worry about what my belt is doing and just focus on doing what is asked.

The Next Chapter Bar

The first rejection of the year arrived yesterday, and it will not be my last.

I’m still angry. It’ll pass, and that has nothing to do with failing. It is everything to do with how that failure was communicated.

I wonder if the organisers of such endeavours learn from feedback or whether they consider anything constructively presented as nothing but negative criticism… Hang on, this is a metaphor for how disagreement plays out over Social media, isn’t it?

There needs to be more tea.