We all know the World is on fire, and as a result it is important not to give too much thought to the superficial. Far bigger things matter more: people’s lives, their livelihoods, the long term futures of millions of people all hang in the balance. Therefore I tell this story here for one reason, and one alone. Today was the day when I realised I have what is needed to begin making a difference, and I will.
It began in the Gym. I can’t bear to look at myself for too long in the mirrors. I don’t do mirrors generally, it’s why looking at cameras in Zoom meetings makes me uncomfortable, why most of my video projects will be pictures and voice. It’s why makeup continues to be a non-starter. I just don’t feel at ease with myself on most days… except today. This was the day I looked at myself and was happy.
Months and months and months of hard work is finally beginning to make me look like the person I want to be. I know who they are, hidden inside. I don’t talk about them very often because that me is hugely fragile, and pretty scared. However, that was who I saw lifting weights today, pushing themselves on a cross trainer. The person inside is growing.
Then I helped some individuals with an idea they have over Zoom, and felt as if I was hugely useful. This is a brilliant, well-considered plan that, if it succeeds, could alter thousands of people’s lives for the better. It is exactly the kind of change I want to get behind, and it will provide comfort and support for those who need it. It’s going to be a pleasure to take part in the process.
All that I’ve ever wanted is to be worthwhile. Anonymous, but useful is my modus operandi. It looks as if some of my lifelong ideas may finally see the light of day and the feelings that is producing are new, interesting and very, very uncertain. I’m sharing them here because it is important for other people to know and understand that everybody is different. Changing need not be frightening, but undoubtedly is.
Sharing those feelings, as I can now attest, will make things easier.