Love What You Do

For a couple of months I have suspected there was a more serious issue at play than simply struggling with stiffness and muscle fatigue whilst exercising. Yesterday, a physiotherapist confirmed this. This now means I’m going to voluntarily put myself through a period of induced pain to correct two historical injuries that are effectively working against each other. This, hopefully, will be the worst morning after as it’s the work on the older injury first.

Let me go find some painkillers before we go any further.

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I’ve spent all week wrestling with writing demons for a submission that is not due until June. I’ll talk more about this on the appropriate blog, but what the exercise has thrown up is many-fold. I am not an intellectual writer. I simply cannot make myself into that person. All that matters is to tell the story that is in my head: language becomes an often pointless extra. I have no idea how that’s fixed either. After a week and a dozen brilliant ideas down on paper, I’m no further forward than I was this time last week.

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After yesterday, I’m also very please I re-branded myself without ceremony earlier in the year. Being known as Alt is, at least here, becoming a burden. Someone used it, a while back, to try and demonise me and it struck a chord, which was at least in part why I made the choice to remove that logo from my spaces. Being able to change, and to be sympathetic that sometimes, you need to, is a big ask for some. I have no problem with that form of evolution: now, if I could only do that elsewhere…

To ensure the physio sticks as quickly as possible, there needs to be some running and exercise sooner rather than later. Let’s see if we can knock off 12k steps before lunchtime again…

Wednesday Week

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When I look back on this point from the future, there will be the understanding that 2018 was where everything changed: not just exercise, or mental outlook, or even the ability to discern truth from deception. This was the year when, driving to pick up my daughter, Brain successfully informed Body that we’d done enough and it was time to stop. I turned off Social media, came home and spent a couple of hours looking after myself. There was no cycling (I have two days worth of tests to run starting today) and no exercise (which will happen after I’ve written this) but what there was included writing novel and organising next week.

Then, I slept for nine hours. The elimination of caffeine after 6pm and removal of electronic devices which can be read from the bedroom has begun, finally, to bear fruit. It also helps that I’ve been physically exhausted by my new training plan, which is now pushing body in new and interesting ways. I had time to prepare breakfast the night before, and make a list of the things needed to continue to improve my food intake. Once I’m done here it is good enough weather to walk to and from the Gym for a weights session, and if it’s not too busy afterwards, I might even have lunch there.

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This is where I’d like to make my home, for a while. However, yesterday I was prompted by an e-mail that I might like to consider the Ballot for the Ride London 47: a shorter version of the main ride, without the killer hills, which would allow me to gain a sponsor and make some money for the time spent. I won’t know if I’ve managed to get in until late April, but it shows willing and is an acknowledgement that there’s a desire to try a ‘proper’ event, rather than the more casually-based Eroica. It will also take place the day before we go on holiday, so I’ll have plenty of time to recover.

Entering myself, however, is a huge deal. I don’t like races, get nervous and itchy at the competition. The psychology of it all will be a bigger undertaking too because I’ll be doing it alone (husband will be on the full ride) and I’ve never had the confidence to do something this complex without support. That’s the biggest leap forwards of all. I am good enough. I can do this. There’s anxiety just thinking about it, typing the words, but beneath all of that remains the confidence in myself, that never existed before. Just as I’m about to finish a novel that’s taken two decades to grasp, I could ride alone and succeed.

All things are now possible, if I just believe enough in myself.