Gonna try and start counselling again today.
I’ve been told to take a day off by my trainer. I’m pretty certain I know what over-training feels like (because I’ve been there before) and this isn’t quite there yet, but with the mental stress of the last few weeks I have, it must be said, been somewhat remiss with relaxation time. Saturday was a prime example: took my iPad to bed, fully intending to watch Netflix, got 15 minutes into the show where the lovely lady tidies up people’s lives and fell asleep. I suppose that had a measure of success…
Even with eight hours sleep last night, I’m still tired however, so deferring to the trainer seems like a plan. I’d have a kip on the sofa this morning, but am already fretting about missing my appointment, so no, not doing that. What I can accomplish however before the thing we’re not talking about is go pay in a load of change to my bank account, thus clearing summat off the (hugely long) Domestic To Do list. Yeah, that seems like a good idea all told.
Not much to say, really. Just wanna get things started.
Let’s do that now.
As we head to the halfway point in the year, I’m behind on some stuff but ahead on others. The back issue is definitely improving, my attempts to clean need a real kick up the arse, but this week should see me exceed the step total for every day (including the rest day.) The only problem, such as it is, comes with there being no cycling for a week. Real life has taken that time away from me, but with this being a Bank Holiday weekend, once I’m done here the shed is open and I’ll stick an hour in on Zwift to start Sunday properly.
My husband, of course, is out doing the real thing: there’s still a concern about my proficiency on roads. However, that will be fixed by the time London to Southend comes around. That’s the race this year that will matter most in terms of real confidence. Everything else can just be winged. I’m already looking forward to a Summer of pushing myself, because the strength thing is really beginning to come into its own. Mind over matter does work. All that ‘you are good enough’ stuff makes sense now.
I just gotta believe it more.
Self-loathing might actually have gotten old. Sure, there’s still days where I don’t think I’m capable, but they are tempered now with an understanding that honestly, it doesn’t matter. I’m doing what’s best for me, and that is enough forward momentum on the bad days to stop them becoming worse. Trusting my gut is the right thing to do. That means doing this, riding a bike, writing some more and then going for a walk, before I come back and clean.
Yeah, it’s as boring as fuck and not nearly glamorous enough for most people, but right now this is perfect for what is required.
There are lots of things I don’t talk about here. Most are hugely mundane but there’s a couple of deeply personal issues that never get to see the light of day. Yesterday, one of those made everything really difficult. Maybe one day I will get the confidence to talk about that to an audience, but conscience reminds that it is good not to put everything out in the open. It isn’t just mystery, but necessity. Despite what the Internet might tell you, sometimes you don’t need to share everything.
Yesterday was also a shedload of #FirstWorldProblems which should continue to serve as the permanent memorial, were it really needed, to an understanding that however hard things become, I get to experience them in a rarefied atmosphere. I get my feelings matter and have merit, that’s not a problem, but honestly however ‘bad’ things might appear they’re extraordinarily awesome in reality. The view of life is inevitably skewed by pressing concerns like eating and having a roof over your head, but that’s a world away from those people who don’t have either, and live their lives regardless.
This is my scheduled blog post that reminds the entitled, selfish person I can become that this is no longer acceptable behaviour.