Not nearly as angry today as I expected to be, but for large portions of the working portion of business it did feel as if I was being followed around by Tim Curry as IT with a rubber hammer, with which he would hit me on the head every ten minutes or so before cackling demonically. I couldn’t breathe properly when weightlifting, nearly fell flat on my face on the run back. Of course, nobody got hurt, and it was all just minor mental inconvenience… but the point remains. some days it’s the stress that divides good work from just work.

For those of you don’t know, I’ve been accepted by the local NHS mental health unit for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) as part of a longer journey to uncover what is going on in my head. The wait for this has been three weeks to be initially assessed and a week for the okay, and I’ve probably had four good night’s sleep that entire time. I have, effectively, been running on empty and am only now returning to what could be probably considered as normal. It’s also played havoc with eating habits. I need to fix a lot of stuff.

One of the things I’ve stopped doing is blogging, mostly because once a week I record twenty minutes of video blog for Patreon and, at least over the last few weeks, after that there’s been no extra mental space to accommodate anything else. Last week however I did a Zoom event, a Poetry Book launch and an Open Mic poetry/prose evening. It’s beginning to fit into place. The only problem, such as it is, remains getting other people to appreciate my poetry enough to publish it. However, as we come up on four years of doing this shit, there is undoubted progress. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t be leaving the old life behind for good.

In a certain light, things appear to be going very well indeed.

Therefore, having tried to do a Newsletter and having had nobody really that encouraged to keep reading, I’m going back to what I know best. It helps that there is now a regular stream of actual life to report on too, that I’m pushing myself into things properly for the first time in probably six months. Let’s be honest, a lot of the time when there’s been no desire to share has coincided in when my mental health was sub-optimal. With a haircut (finally) and some genuine encouragement on my work, it is all just better.

Yes, I KNOW my own validation is all that matters, but sometimes it really helps when someone else turns up and reinforces that.

You’re Not Alone

My mate Russ is back on Social media after he went away and did his own thing. When he came back, there was a comment on how easy it was to just reintegrate into the world he’d left behind. The fact this was a surprise to him got me thinking… how you see the world really is just one part of a larger, intractable whole. You can leave things, then come back to them, and it’s perfectly okay. If you’re a basically decent person, that’s how life is supposed to work. Russ is absolutely good people.

Then, this morning, I woke up to see someone in my Socials that I’d not clocked for a while. Their name had changed, just enough for me to remember who they used to be, which was someone who did some pretty horrendous stuff when previously active. The block came without a thought, and then it occurred to me to go look at who was following them. Just because I used to be in a fandom does not mean I’ll refollow everyone who decided to come back after absence. Some were distanced for a reason.

These are the perils of being digitally omnipotent.

There’s a lot of reasons why this .GIF is simultaneously brilliant and depressing, quite apart from the fact the guy who made this film has turned out to be a bit of a dick in old age. If I tell you not to touch something, most will ignore me, because I told you not to. You won’t assume it’s for your own good, that some things never stop being dangerous, to know for yourself is the only education that will stick… and that’s why I refuse to point out the bad people any more, and only support the good. I’m not living your life, that’s your job.

Most of this commentary falls on deaf ears, I realise, because only a few people are experiencing this version of Reality [TM]. When someone asked this week how I was managing to be so dedicated to my exercise goals, the reply was a reflex: the consequences if I don’t are unacceptable. You can complain you don’t want to, or there’s no desire as much as you like but really if it matters enough, you will find a way. If it transpires there is a mental health issue stopping that from taking place? Support exists.

Everything else comes down to your idea of what matters more.

From time to time people will reappear in my life and profess surprise that ‘ooh, you’re still here’ when she never left. I’ve owned this domain since the 1990’s, people. If you’d been paying even the most basic of attention it is not hard to seek me out, but most of you have forgotten how this works, because if you can’t locate me in a Facebook search, or I’m not on Instagram, I’m obviously dead. Honestly, if that’s the mindset we’re working with, its probably for the best you don’t have a clue.

I’m not here to pointlessly recollect on the point in your life where you were happiest either. That should be here, right now, every moment in the present. If that stuff’s not happening, then you really should be looking at the reasons why. Memory serves a vital function, and it is not to restrict your options. Going back to the time when things were great because right now they suck? Well, you can see the consequences of that all over the shop. We’re supposed to feel sorry for those people too because they made mistakes and are now trying to atone?

Some things you cannot ever forgive, and that’s that.

What you perceive is not the Truth, like Opinions are not Facts… all these things are being measured from a subjective standpoint that will never, EVER encompass everybody’s version of Reality. Once you grasp this, everything gets a fuck of a lot easier to cope with. Of course, some people will never do this: their Reality is the only one: give them enough power and everybody’s screwed. It’s why Government, increasingly, is not your enemy. Gaming companies are not your friends. That person vanished off the Socials last time for a reason.

Think more, whilst you still have the opportunity to do so objectively.


You and me are gonna talk a bit more going forward, mostly because I feel I may have done you an injustice over the last six months or so. Looking back on the end of January, how optimistic I was for this year going forward and looking at now… it’s a completely different world. That’s no bad thing, of course, however much other people might malign the change.

I walk past pubs and restaurants who never got around to updating external advertising. It’s still February for some, Spring for others. Their worlds just stopped, whilst other places have undergone almost grotesque transformations. Twitter is becoming unrecognizable from the place that used to be. This week has been truly horrific.

I sometimes wonder whether the people that call themselves my friends have ever asked me outright if that is the case. Those who I respect and follow from distance are always considered as ‘mutuals’ and will be referred to as such in conversations with others. I watch behaviour from some and wonder, do you really understand what friendship means?

There’s a worryingly thin line now between respect and abuse. It takes only one idiot to ruin it for everybody, and when there are such people running countries, it is perhaps no wonder we’re all as fucked as is undoubtedly the case. Leadership right now is lacking, in so many places. No-one is actually prepared to take responsibility for their actions. In that case, at least, I can own my shortcomings.

It is so easy to fall back into the comfort of old habits without learning anything. Not any more. I am done with certain paths of my life. Twitter is going to become an indispensable tool going forward, but not for the reasons that were first true. I did only aver come to share and to try and find people who understood what I am.

Then, it became a place where it was possible to understand the consequences of my actions, that if there was to be any success in a wider world, some cold, hard truths would need to be accepted and embraced. Now that’s finally happening, it is time to move forward yet again.

Here is where the real work begins.

Late in the Evening

Sorry this is so late, but it was a particularly adult day. I had to go retrieve some lost kit at the gym, then spent the afternoon in the Town in Ruins (as it will now be known) for my first ever serious incursion into life as a ‘proper’ Mental health Champion. There was lots to think about, and some quite sobering observations on the very real potential consequences of COVID 19 on those whose job it will be to care for those who catch it.

Tomorrow it is back to web faffing, which I’ve missed a fair bit. There’s a lot to do but most of it is simply a task of transferring existing stuff to new homes, so it’s boring yet essential maintenance. The hope is to have everything done by next week so it’s then time to crack on with more enjoyable stuff like Patreon, and organising April’s content (how are we almost four months into the year already?)

Thank goodness there’s nothing else stressful going on right now…


I am finally getting somewhere.


Nope, this isn’t an exercise post. That 31 minutes of yellow zone effort was, as it happens, really not too hard to maintain. This demonstrates that there’s fitness that exists to do so, but that’s not nearly as important as the mental fortitude required to detach brain from worry and fear. None of this really matters one iota to anybody except me. I will appreciate encouragement and be grateful for support 24/7… but in the end…

There’s nobody to compete with but myself.

Yesterday was important for many reasons, but the most significant one was a surprise. A lot of people have taught me things over the years: in later life it’s become apparent that the quality of that teaching doesn’t just come from the person and their words. I am part of this equation. You can learn everything about a topic but you’ll never truly understand the subtleties until properly acknowledging how it makes you feel.

Today, I’m asking myself what I want from a number of things going forward.

Over the last year I’ve let go of some things no longer required, people who have become toxic, physical items with no personal association. As the baggage around me becomes lighter, there’s fewer excuses to hide behind. It’s pointless to try and control those things you have no direct influence over, simply concentrate on those things that you can and so that’s the plan, going forward. Solid change, in important places.

If you asked me what I want right now, there is surprisingly little that springs to mind. I’m still failing at domestic duties, which will be sorted once NaNo work is done for the day. There’s nothing material I truly yearn for, and now I’m over the hump in diet management for blood count and cholesterol… this is the best place I’ve inhabited mentally for quite some time.

This is a very good place to be.

Occupy Your Mind

This morning, I had an anxiety attack, which would not normally have been an issue, were the house not full of teenagers from my son’s LAN Party the night before. However, everything was just fine. It is undoubtedly true, as has been pointed out to me by family and friends, that it is getting easier to cope with this shit over time.

By the time the last person had left, I was almost normal again, were it not for the five hours sleep. Well, you can’t have everything.

The rest of the day has found me trying to occupy a stressed mind so there’s no re-occurrence of my issues, which has proven surprisingly fruitful. My online life is considerably neater as a result, and there’s confidence that after a decent night’s kip everything can be back up to date.

Time to go do the last of the tidying up.



Today is one of those glorious November Sunday’s where the light’s perfect and air is cold enough to snatch breath from your lungs, and where I’m currently walking around dressed for July on the top half of my body. The Menopause, everybody, which decides that on the coldest day of the year so far the top half of your body will boil and your feet will freeze, meaning I’ve stolen a pair of my son’s ski socks to stop toes from becoming ice-blocks.

Apart from this, bodily health’s pretty smashing: filling breakfast, my third bucket of tea, a decent night’s kip. I’ve got a ton of stuff to do for the well-being of family, but then day is mine to do with as I choose, which will mean some running and probably a lot of writing. I’ve sated my gaming desires for a few days too, with a whole night of playing around and fucking about online. There was also an interesting conversation with my husband over how he may go forward doing the same.


So, if you’ll excuse me, it is time to get started.

Somebody Told Me


Today is a catch-up day for a lot of outstanding work. I’m already behind, but not enough to derail a run at the Gym. I can prioritise pretty well of late.

I’m also in no need to rant, expound or even rage. Today, I am calm, happy and well rested. So, once my son gets home, there will be Gym time. After that, I’ll work until I’m done.

See you later.