Umbrella

You and me are gonna talk a bit more going forward, mostly because I feel I may have done you an injustice over the last six months or so. Looking back on the end of January, how optimistic I was for this year going forward and looking at now… it’s a completely different world. That’s no bad thing, of course, however much other people might malign the change.

I walk past pubs and restaurants who never got around to updating external advertising. It’s still February for some, Spring for others. Their worlds just stopped, whilst other places have undergone almost grotesque transformations. Twitter is becoming unrecognizable from the place that used to be. This week has been truly horrific.

I sometimes wonder whether the people that call themselves my friends have ever asked me outright if that is the case. Those who I respect and follow from distance are always considered as ‘mutuals’ and will be referred to as such in conversations with others. I watch behaviour from some and wonder, do you really understand what friendship means?

There’s a worryingly thin line now between respect and abuse. It takes only one idiot to ruin it for everybody, and when there are such people running countries, it is perhaps no wonder we’re all as fucked as is undoubtedly the case. Leadership right now is lacking, in so many places. No-one is actually prepared to take responsibility for their actions. In that case, at least, I can own my shortcomings.

It is so easy to fall back into the comfort of old habits without learning anything. Not any more. I am done with certain paths of my life. Twitter is going to become an indispensable tool going forward, but not for the reasons that were first true. I did only aver come to share and to try and find people who understood what I am.

Then, it became a place where it was possible to understand the consequences of my actions, that if there was to be any success in a wider world, some cold, hard truths would need to be accepted and embraced. Now that’s finally happening, it is time to move forward yet again.

Here is where the real work begins.

Late in the Evening

Sorry this is so late, but it was a particularly adult day. I had to go retrieve some lost kit at the gym, then spent the afternoon in the Town in Ruins (as it will now be known) for my first ever serious incursion into life as a ‘proper’ Mental health Champion. There was lots to think about, and some quite sobering observations on the very real potential consequences of COVID 19 on those whose job it will be to care for those who catch it.

Tomorrow it is back to web faffing, which I’ve missed a fair bit. There’s a lot to do but most of it is simply a task of transferring existing stuff to new homes, so it’s boring yet essential maintenance. The hope is to have everything done by next week so it’s then time to crack on with more enjoyable stuff like Patreon, and organising April’s content (how are we almost four months into the year already?)

Thank goodness there’s nothing else stressful going on right now…

Beautiful

I am finally getting somewhere.

061119

Nope, this isn’t an exercise post. That 31 minutes of yellow zone effort was, as it happens, really not too hard to maintain. This demonstrates that there’s fitness that exists to do so, but that’s not nearly as important as the mental fortitude required to detach brain from worry and fear. None of this really matters one iota to anybody except me. I will appreciate encouragement and be grateful for support 24/7… but in the end…

There’s nobody to compete with but myself.

Yesterday was important for many reasons, but the most significant one was a surprise. A lot of people have taught me things over the years: in later life it’s become apparent that the quality of that teaching doesn’t just come from the person and their words. I am part of this equation. You can learn everything about a topic but you’ll never truly understand the subtleties until properly acknowledging how it makes you feel.

Today, I’m asking myself what I want from a number of things going forward.

Over the last year I’ve let go of some things no longer required, people who have become toxic, physical items with no personal association. As the baggage around me becomes lighter, there’s fewer excuses to hide behind. It’s pointless to try and control those things you have no direct influence over, simply concentrate on those things that you can and so that’s the plan, going forward. Solid change, in important places.

If you asked me what I want right now, there is surprisingly little that springs to mind. I’m still failing at domestic duties, which will be sorted once NaNo work is done for the day. There’s nothing material I truly yearn for, and now I’m over the hump in diet management for blood count and cholesterol… this is the best place I’ve inhabited mentally for quite some time.

This is a very good place to be.

Occupy Your Mind

This morning, I had an anxiety attack, which would not normally have been an issue, were the house not full of teenagers from my son’s LAN Party the night before. However, everything was just fine. It is undoubtedly true, as has been pointed out to me by family and friends, that it is getting easier to cope with this shit over time.

By the time the last person had left, I was almost normal again, were it not for the five hours sleep. Well, you can’t have everything.

The rest of the day has found me trying to occupy a stressed mind so there’s no re-occurrence of my issues, which has proven surprisingly fruitful. My online life is considerably neater as a result, and there’s confidence that after a decent night’s kip everything can be back up to date.

Time to go do the last of the tidying up.

Angels

header5

Today is one of those glorious November Sunday’s where the light’s perfect and air is cold enough to snatch breath from your lungs, and where I’m currently walking around dressed for July on the top half of my body. The Menopause, everybody, which decides that on the coldest day of the year so far the top half of your body will boil and your feet will freeze, meaning I’ve stolen a pair of my son’s ski socks to stop toes from becoming ice-blocks.

Apart from this, bodily health’s pretty smashing: filling breakfast, my third bucket of tea, a decent night’s kip. I’ve got a ton of stuff to do for the well-being of family, but then day is mine to do with as I choose, which will mean some running and probably a lot of writing. I’ve sated my gaming desires for a few days too, with a whole night of playing around and fucking about online. There was also an interesting conversation with my husband over how he may go forward doing the same.

PIES!

So, if you’ll excuse me, it is time to get started.

Somebody Told Me

header5

Today is a catch-up day for a lot of outstanding work. I’m already behind, but not enough to derail a run at the Gym. I can prioritise pretty well of late.

I’m also in no need to rant, expound or even rage. Today, I am calm, happy and well rested. So, once my son gets home, there will be Gym time. After that, I’ll work until I’m done.

See you later.

Rain

header58

Something significant has happened this week. I decided not to enter a poetry mentorship. Even though I’m writing it, and will continue to do so, I don’t feel this is something that would benefit being focused on right now. In all honestly, it is time for storytelling and to experiment with that. Also, confession time; I’m not a great fan of a scheme where you are effectively expected to pay for your own tuition. So, a long term plan of editing stories and entering poems for contests seems to be the most appropriate path forward.

typingcats.gif

I went to bed at 9pm last night with the reminder that, on days when I’m driving and exercising, six and a bit hours sleep a night is just not enough. Yesterday’s Push Day at the Gym has left arms aching, which tells me I’ve done some good on the muscle front. This weekend’s bike ride won’t happen because Mr Alt’s doing Hockey umpiring on Sunday: so, I need to find 24k steps from somewhere, and probably throw some extra steps in there if possible. Whether I run or not I don’t know, but I’m tempted to walk the distance normally ridden tomorrow and take a camera with me. Husband will be up stupidly early, so that would make sense, that I could do all my exercise before the kids are even awake.

typing

For now, I have an afternoon of laundry and chores, before I go out (either gym or woods.) Today is a boring, mundane Saturday and frankly I wouldn’t have it any other way.