Becoming More Like Alfie

Yesterday was a triumph of form over function. Who thought that a prose piece would cause so much damage, and that defending other people would be used as a means to attack my position. It is indeed all fun and games until someone’s ego is damaged and then all you have is memories and a far larger block list. Welcome to October, where everything is in free-fall.

Except, as it transpires, this is perfectly fine. No .GIFs of cartoon dogs have been burnt in the making of this blog. I have a minute of video this morning utilising two webcams and Discord, which is fucking light years ahead of where I was two months ago. Knowing how to use it, of course, is a different matter entirely, and now the tech needs to percolate in my brain.

I might be able to manage a poem a week on YouTube, though…

These are all small steps. Seeing my own work up is a step in a decent direction. It all works well in my own mind’s eye. That’s what this is all about, when everything is said and done. It is a slow, measured progression of ideas that started on paper. Now I can plan, and consider new ways to evolve myself, in new forms and possibilities.

All of it, in the end, is only working towards a single goal: expression.

Living on an Island

We present as part of Time To Talk’s national day of discussion about mental health (Feb 7th) a week’s worth of posts about how this 52 year old finally made a difference and started listening to herself and others, before determining to improve life for the better…

These views are mine alone, and absolutely 100% do not mesh with anybody else’s opinion on anything. WELCOME TO HOW BLOGS WORK.

Day 5:
In which there is more than one revelation.

no woamn is an island.png

Today’s hugely important for me, as has been stated, but not for the reasons some of you might think. Sure, we all love validation, but in the end it isn’t that I’m off to London for. Tonight is a step into light from darkness. I’ll be handing out business cards (note to self, need to get some new ones made) and hoping that maybe someone will be impressed with my performance. The only way, after all, that you ever get noticed is by being around to begin with. Social interaction’s never been a strong point.

That really has to change.


That also means, that once my daughter’s room is decorated and I’ve managed to edit a few things for re-submission, there ought to be video blogging. Operating parameters need to be reassessed, so that there’s more outward and less inward facing stuff. This desk isn’t practical for purpose, having used it since late August, so it will be time to see what can be re-purposed to make that happen. I’d like to recycle wherever possible. The future, at least for me, is reusing old shit for good.


It works with the .GIF content, after all. Today’s post is shorter than the rest of the week’s output because this point doesn’t need much explanation. It just needs me to believe it.

You are Part of the Problem.

Start listening to other people. Take advice. Actually DO THAT. Then LEARN and LISTEN some more. Try not to be so hard on yourself either. Stuff goes wrong, of course it does. The fact remains, that if any of this shit is ever gonna change for the better, that’s your job.

You are not Alone.

This might finally be starting to stick, you know…

Look At Me

I read this last night, just before going to bed, and had a genuine WTF moment, because I honestly don’t remember saying that highlighted text, let alone having the foresight to write it down. However, I clearly did, and to have someone I respect in turn cite it as #wisdom?


I honestly am not here to try and lecture or preach. Apparently, this is one of my faults as both mum and wife. Others online have also mentioned before this is how I can sound, and so there’s been a concerted effort in the last six weeks to try and make points without looking as if I’ve got a soapbox. This small victory (for that is what it is) is a sign that I might be on the right, positive path. The fact I don’t remember which post it came from might have bothered me in the past, but as I’m now clearing so much content on any given week, there is less concern.


Due to RL Circumstances, I had to take two rest days last week but still managed my 110 miles. I also got three Gym visits in, which will be the norm going forward (I hope.) I know it will take several weeks to recover from this last seven days, but at least my routine is solid enough now to support the occasional bump in the road. Right now, it’s time to finish my tea, go walk to the Gym for an hour of PT, and then get the last of the week’s scheduled content placed, after which I have a full plan of action to last until Sunday.

If I can keep this going I’ll be beyond grateful, and happily exhausted.

Still Alive


This week really hasn’t gone at all well. The blood donation thing has definitely been harder than last time… however, the amount of decent sleep I’ve had is most certainly on the rise. Before I go into full-on over-analytical mode again, it is obvious that there’s a shit-tonne of stuff going on that is a) hugely positive and b) a lot better than it was. This is where I stop, plant the flag and declare a victory for progress. Then, I go and put the kettle on.


I am only now beginning to feel the shift inside me: as there’s an effort each time to just be more honest, and more truthful each time I write a post, odd things begin to happen. The desire to be angry or confrontational begins to melt away. Instead, comes the realisation that truth, such as it is for me, conquers everything. Truth gives me strength. Honesty allows a part of my psyche to expose itself, after many years in hiding. It is no longer about being comfortable in myself because that has happened now.

What comes next is the need to grasp this world around me.


I suppose it is the antidote to the choreography imposed around life that allows routine and rewards to maintain my sanity. Relaxing out of routine is, in its own way, as important as the restrictions. It is your life, perennially balanced. As yet, I’d say I’m still very much in the ‘I have no idea what I’m doing’ stage of that process but all the bits are undoubtedly at my disposal. The lively debate I had with my son mid-week is the first time for I do not know how long since I feel I was able to make my point for him to understand.

Eventually, if you work at shit for long enough (and hard enough) it does begin to make sense.