Alone Again, Or

Yesterday was a watershed.

It began because I am no longer in the position to afford things that other people consider as essentials. The fact remains, FOMO is real, but largely pointless once you rationalise the expense. Sure there are alternatives too, but the larger truth is that when you know something is a distraction, it is better to walk away than towards.

This then sent me into an anxiety ‘loop’ which effectively curtailed my ability to be rational. However, instead of noticing this inside the moment, I saw it at the fringes and knew that if I just walked away from the things that were causing issue, that anxiety was manageable. So, that was yesterday afternoon: stress management and relaxation.

Then, amazing things began to happen.

When life runs without you noticing, things just look different. Slow down those moments, control their effects and you can see what looks terrible at the time is just an implosion and some fire that’s easily put-outable. Last night I fixed a problem that’s existed for about three years, I found solutions to writing cul-de-sacs but crucially, cooked dinner alone and amazingly.

Allowing myself permission to step back is a really new concept for me. Knowing I can fix the issues, without assuming there needs to be someone else to assist me, is also pretty virgin territory. That confidence that you are enough, that it isn’t about that you HAVE to do more than justification that this is the case. Stopping is the most difficult thing I ever do. Making myself do it yesterday was the absolute solution to my problem.

The change in me this morning is… well, significant.

Sometimes, you are the change that needs to happen. It isn’t other people’s jobs to help you. Occasionally, you do actually need to do the things that scare you to make progress.

Most importantly of all, knowing when to ‘fail’ is really a game changer.

Ebeneezer Goode

Fame has always been accompanied by consequence. It’s a good bet that, at some point in proceeding up the ladder of perceived success, someone’s gonna pop up who you wish had vanished along the way. I’ve had a few of these in the last few years, and there are a couple more that sit just beyond my eyeline, reminding me that virtuous now is never really ever going to cancel out stupidity back then.

It is a good way to balance the scales, when all is said and done. If you’re lucky enough to have never fucked up before, of course, none of this really matters. However, I do occasionally think that those people who never ever get cross or angry might yet be a ticking bomb, ready to blow at any moment… and then realise that given half a chance, that would be me. All I want right now, tbh, is a quiet life.

I take making this happen quite seriously.

blackwidow

You can work out who is going to be trouble by paying attention, something that a lot of people really don’t do nearly as much as should be the case. Interactions are also a good indicator of the people who do in fact care and those who are just stringing you along for exposure. It happens more and more; as I venture into the Lands of Instagram, it is only going to get worse. Doing your homework’s quite a good idea.

Of course, you reach a certain level of perceived fame yourself and it becomes impossible to keep track on everyone. It’s why setting a finite follow count becomes absolutely vital: this is not just about acknowledging every new person who turns up. I can’t control everything around me, but a certain level of curating really does need to happen. It gives both comfort and reassurance.

That control ultimately goes both ways.

OHPURLEASE

I can, at times, be excruciatingly needy. It is a terrible character fault and one that is being worked on very actively this year to improve. I’m also almost unnecessarily verbose on Twitter, but that one doesn’t get fixed any time soon. If  too much noise is made in your timeline, you’ll already have me muted. If you unfollow me however, I get the message. 

Time to move on.

Eye of the Tiger

Again, not Saturday, but this weekend I wanna write about weight and not attainment, of which this most definitely is.

141119

That’s yesterday’s 55 minute exercise class, that is. It took about ten minutes to warm up (which is normal for me) and then off I went. The only blip (other than transitions in green) is that two minute green block where, it must be said, I did feel like giving up and just walking out of the class. Those days however are now far better managed.

This time, I didn’t push, but maintained. This game is no longer about how I get myself into the red zone: at one point, I was the only yellow on a completely red board. Now, if you want to play the psychology game, I’m either the one doing it wrong or right, dependant on where you’re sticking the benchmark.

There is no concern about feeling left behind.

notmeyou

I knew I’d turned a corner with last week’s stats, and this week… well, I gotta beat 80 percent tonight. Will the exercise planned allow me to do so? 

We shall see.