The World is Turning

DAY 11: I deleted yesterday’s blog attempt, because on reflection it wasn’t helping anybody, especially me. A lack of routine has become self-destructive over time. Doing nothing is a perfectly acceptable diversion, undoubtedly, but it is far more sensible to focus attention and direction along a path. It’s why gaming was a constant when everything else wouldn’t support management. Being able to impose routine has distinct advantages to those of us who struggle without.

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My Fitbit was broken the week before Christmas, giving Father Xmas the opportunity to replace it with the far smaller (and a lot less painful on my wrists) Charge 3. I also have the heart rate monitor that is specifically designed to record my Blaze classes, that (fortunately) can do everything else too, including running, so it will get used quite a bit going forward. In fact, there’s already been both Xmas Day and Boxing Day cycling which will be completed as often as is possible. There just needs to be weights as balance, which is going to happen once the backlog is broken here.

There’s a bit of paranoia now with the HRM that working out will become more stressful whilst in competition: to compensate, nickname that my belt uses is my gamer tag. This quite effectively removes all issues, because I was always used to being bottom of the damage meters, plus it is no longer about being told to get better. The only pressure to improve comes from myself. It’s also quite satisfying being able to reverse that mindset when I go back into games.

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After that? There’s a small/modest ‘Things to do in 2019’ list, the prospect of more stuff that could be won, and a pretty significant pile of editing. So much so, January is not about starting fresh on a bunch of stuff but finishing what is not yet complete. That’s how today will start and finish.

This year, the slate doesn’t need wiping clean, but expanding.

Everything Connected

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The List is written and I’m off, knowing EXACTLY what has to be finished by midnight tonight. Deadlines used to scare me (or piss me off when there was no ability to write) but the ex-paid gig is to thank for instilling the sense of ‘look, this has to happen or you don’t get to do nice stuff.’ Today, therefore, is a reminder that getting pissed off that other people seem to be having a far better time of it than you are is the Number 1 Road to ruin. So, let me tell you a story about that.

For a long time, I blamed a particular person for my lack of success. The reasons for this were fairly simple, but the rationale was ultimately flawed. Ironically, it appears that my opinion of this person was pretty much their opinion of me in return, so it transpires that both of us were dumb as rocks. When it became apparent that it didn’t matter about my writing, and it was personality that had stopped progression in a particular direction, suddenly none of it was really that important. Yet, here I am, still being affected by the same malaise.

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Jealousy is a real productivity killer, a great means of triggering Imposter Syndrome, and normally those who instil it in others have little or no idea that’s happening. That’s the  key, I now grasp, to beating this issue: those whom champion their success in such a way as to prompt such responses aren’t talking to me anyway. Yes, I am listening, but those messages are not directed AT me. It’s the whole Social media disconnect thing, where ‘friends’ only matter to a point.

There are means to verify whether this is true or not. Watching other people’s conversations might be a bit voyeuristic, but Twitter seems to think I’d like to know what two people in my timeline are saying to each other when not even involved. That’s how I’ve begun to realise that for some, it isn’t about anything except being happy for themselves, and then there being a need to show everybody else how happy they are. It’s not malicious, anything but.

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When that freedom makes you jealous, then it is time for reassessment.

Right now, mutes are useful to stop brain being derailed by its own shortcomings, plus mindfulness techniques to prevent those feelings becoming overwhelming. Occasionally it’s also sensible to stop preaching, because even if you’re not intending that, it is what ends up happening. Mostly, I’d love less knee-jerk and anger, but that’s unlikely under current circumstances. Today therefore this reminder is more for me.

Make your own history, and stop letting others dictate your own.

The Winner Takes it All

On the To Do list is to make some headers using imagery from the Italy trip, but that involves me getting around to uploading the pictures to Flickr. It’ll happen, probably some time next week when I plan everything a bit more precisely.

I have been very surprised since returning from holiday at how my perception of the world appears to have subtly altered. I’ve read a couple of really difficult articles in the last few days too: how the menopause destroyed a woman’s whole existence plus stories of the people who died in the Genoa bridge disaster (the same bridge we marvelled at just over two weeks ago when crossing it.) All of this has distilled together, and Ruth’s tweet this morning sparked a train of thought that now demands some attention: why can’t we just be happy with what we have?

It’s a classic tale: you’re healthy, can feed yourself and don’t have to worry about how normal life pans out, and yet everybody’s aspiring to be somewhere else. There’s no desperate rush to get anywhere and yet we all tear headlong into each new thing without thought for consequences. The diet that we thought was great for us at the time then turns out to be less than stellar, or the game we play is boring because we consumed all the content far too fast in the first place. Then, rather that look to ourselves as the reason for all this, it is simply easier to blame someone else.

None of this is news, or any surprise when viewed in the History of Human Behaviour. There is a fixation in us all of our point of current existence: the stuff at either side of this, or at points in future (or past) is very easy to forget. Focusing on now however has multiple consequences: for our kids, for instance, who have their whole lives ahead to live and are unlikely to remember a lot of what happened as kids, unless it is traumatic. The individual perceptions of benefit and pain are also so subjective that what some people might think of as the depths of depression are quite normal operating parameters for someone else.

Then, when asked on top of all of this to present answers to questions like ‘what do I aspire to’ it would be very easy to just say what everybody else does to feel part of the whole, or aspire to be in a position where you could simply buy your way out of trouble. That whole thing about money not affording happiness is a lie too, when you stand back from the truth. I read somewhere that GoFundMe in the US is paying more people’s medical bills in the US than some insurance companies. When that’s the only option for many when disaster strikes, aspiring to wealth makes perfect sense.

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My kids often berate me for being too worthy, that persisting in my attempts to make them recycle, turn off lights and consider the environment don’t need to be repeated ad nauseum. My husband gets annoyed when I pull the Political Correctness card… and there is the sense that worthiness is all well and good to a point. We all want to be lazy, and not worry about the stuff that is someone else’s problem. Except, as time goes on, these issues are everybody’s to solve, and inertia piles up as does rubbish around us. Sometimes, happiness isn’t enough: as this is the happiest I’ve been in 51 and a bit years, by some way, and just enjoying it has become an issue.

The lesson I finally learnt is a simple one: yes, you can arrive at your aspirations, and live a perfect existence, but what happens then? As there’s been so much effort exerted to get this far, I can’t just sit around in my perfect life and be happy, because there has to continue to be forward movement. Once I achieve something, there’s no point in just stopping and saying I’m done. My happiness depends on a continual, gradual process of self-improvement for as long as I still draw breath, and that needs to happen every day, without fail. To maintain the happiness, it has to be worked at.

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This .GIF remains a constant warning of my Past Self to Future Self: just because you did something good, doesn’t mean you can relax. This is not about points on a board or favours piled up. Life should be a constant case of reassessment and consideration: is this working, should I try something else, would that be sensible? Right now that means girding my loins and looking at swimming lessons, so I can finally do laps of a pool without fear. It is what pushes me to complete two contest deadlines with absolutely no guarantee of success, but the understanding that the more stuff is entered, the better my writing skills become.

Happiness isn’t enough to be satisfied, at least not for me.

Rise Up

So yeah, hi there, I’m back. I never really went away, when all is said and done, but there was some time spent not engaging brain cells. There have also been some quite important and significant changes to how everything is organised around these parts. You won’t see any of it, but the hope is that it will improve the flow of work long-term. You can also expect to see far more pictures than was previously the case, and a return to some old favourites.

Mostly, getting life organised better is the key.

It helps a great deal that the weather’s been brilliant and my chest issues have now virtually vanished. There are still restrictions on my arm, but they will improve as I’m able to exercise more and put the body back to proper use. There’s no point complaining, it just needs effort and application.

Time to get back to work.

Closing Time

A lot of unrelated stuff is percolating through my brain this weekend, except there’s a realisation that surprising amounts of my existence are more interconnected than at first grasped. It also helps that last night I got on the bike for the first time in about a fortnight with anything approaching determination. The results were a genuine surprise.

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My FTP should be up soon if these numbers are any indicator, plus the fact a Sprint Jersey was earnt without really breaking a sweat… this illness hasn’t put me back. The arm, I’ll grant you, is still a bit stiff, and takes a while to wake up in the morning, but as long as it continues to get exercised and there’s no let up on the push forward? It won’t matter. I’m already stronger as a result of all this, that much is abundantly obvious. More crucially, tired is a state that’s being reached for the first time in a while. There’s been no lying awake unable to sleep for a while, and long may this continue.

Sunday will be gardening, buying plants for the newly-created bed, learning how to mow a lawn (don’t know how to do this so it seems a good time to start) and quite possibly painting the fence I’d planned to do a month ago. At the heart of it all is thought about how everything has changed in the last couple of weeks because it has. A sliver of fear, which held apart vital components which needed to fuse, melted away last Sunday. Forced to be on my own, there was no choice but to embrace the inevitable. Having done so, the only way is forward.

The journey ahead looks particularly exciting.

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What a weekend.

I’m on five hours sleep right now, and maybe this isn’t the time to be starting something quite complex and potentially life-changing, but that’s how this works. Today begins a sixteen-week Cycling training course, which is how long before I go on holiday. An awful lot could and might happen between now and then, but this is how major change takes place.

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It’s meant for Ride London athletes, but the whole thing is organised around Zwift’s workout mode, and is linked to your FTP, so (ideally) it only pushes you as far as your body itself is capable. It is a change from just doing a weekly goal and has the potential to fundamentally alter me physically. I have no idea how long I can keep it going, and what the consequences of doing it might be, but this is my plan going forward. I have my starting weight as a guide, and I’ll be able to judge physical fitness by the end in terms not simply of my FTP, but endurance and stamina.

They say everything should have a goal, right?

If all else fails, that’s four month’s worth of content taken care of.

Walk this Way

Yesterday, I rode 50k before lunchtime.

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That’s 31 miles for the metrically challenged in the room, and amazingly easy on reflection. I had so much left in the tank I went and crushed the step goal in the afternoon, and this has pushed me to try and keep 12k minimum for the rest of the week. I have a choice of walking to the Gym in the rain or going an hour early and doing it on a treadmill. I suspect the latter is going to win, just because getting wet is not that attractive when the temperature is just above freezing.

This week is two PT sessions too, and a focus on HEAVY LIFTING which should be easier as I’m having my left elbow worked on in tandem. My health issues are now down to a couple of minor niggles, and I’m determined to keep on top of body maintenance. However, not gonna lie, 50k was tough. I can feel it in my legs today (my arse hates me) and this week there’s gonna be a bit of hill work in my normal run of easy flat roads. At some point, those muscles need some heavy work. It may as well be sooner than later.

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Today’s all about sorting out everything else so I have more time to cycle, edit the novel and play video games. By lunchtime, all the scheduled content for the week should be ready to go regardless, which is a definite improvement on previous weeks.

Is this what grown-up feels like?