Ain’t No Pleasing You

Third project is off again. This time, there’s a reasonable chance it will all work out…

Pray

I overslept this morning, and it was GLORIOUS. Waking up after a dream I was able to seed in my own head hasn’t happened for a while, and it was welcome and enjoyable relief to be able to shift away from the difficult portions of an often problematic subconscious. It also means there’s a bit of a joyous hangover to my entire day as a result. That’s been helped by getting close to a new PB on my bench pressing…

Then there was that email. When you write work that’s strong, it is useful to know that’s the case, implicitly, in your own head. When someone else comes along and confirms that? GREAT DAY IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD. This is, it appears, a bit of a purple patch for work right now. This won’t last forever either, as inevitably it never does, and so it’s time to make the most of the sunshine and work hard with what’s here.

There will now be a LOT of hard work.

In My Head

Real life events have hit me hard this week. There’s been conversations about both ends of Motherhood. My exercise routine has pretty much turned on its head. There’s a new poetry course started too which is already presenting some interesting possibilities to brain and progression. It’s good when you can say you’ve done your best work in a period when everything is both simultaneously brilliant and terrifying.

The next month, yet again, has the potential to alter everything I am.

I am so fucking ready.

A new Day at Midnight

It is taking a fair bit of time to adjust to my new routine. A lot has been altered, if truth be told: it is not just writing and creation. Exercise has been given a different focus. That’s been a bit of a game changer. Oh yeah, and after what’s probably been almost a decade, I have short hair again.

It was something that mattered for a long time, being that person. Now, however, it is not who I am any more. Accepting this is an important step forward, embracing it even more so. Only by reinvention can we challenge and redefine ourselves.

Only by doing the things that frighten us is there a chance to redeem the issues that have held us back.

Fast As You Can

Today has had a lot happen in it. By far the most important part of that is that instead of being distracted by social media, other things have taken place. Instead of being dragged into things I cannot change or alter, I used time to write poetry instead.

Five poems have been sketched to first draft in time that previously did not exist. I would have been mindlessly browsing or being sucked into arguments that, at this moment, do not require my input. Instead, from the tyranny of always being present, I have produced something that makes me happy.

Not all problems are as easily solved, and this is why this time is doubly important. The time I have reclaimed has been used wisely today. Tomorrow may be different. However what is increasingly apparent is that these are problems I can solve alone. This is the key for my next step of professional progress.

You can always be more than you believe is possible.

Broken Wings

Yeah, I was right. Boxing is a game changer. Talking to different people is a game changer, as is giving yourself to your peers with no desire for reward. Some real truths were vocalized for the first time this morning too, which were previously very much not touched for very good reason. Knowing what you are is all well and good, but actually coping with that is something very different indeed. All of this will now undoubtedly result in a significant mental change in the Bagging Area.

Therefore, going forward, we will ensure that things are done is as much of a timely fashion as is possible. Some days, I will be late, and there will be less apologizing at the time. Sometimes, shit just happens and that’s that. There will however be absolutely no apologies for anyone or anything who thinks it’s okay to either belittle or do harm to the progress I have made. I see you, and it’s not happening. I do not need your support if it is laced with caveats or benefits you before me.

We are either in this equally or you can fuck right off.

Last Train to Trancentral

Last few days have been a bit of a rollercoaster. I’ve stopped watching the TV show responsible for filling my brain to capacity, and there will be more on Severance as the week goes on. For now, I’m almost back up to date, have a new project on the go and am ready to go start kicking the arse of a training programme that needs to get me ready to do a 30-mile bike ride and a 10 km run within a week of each other. We’ll get there. For now, however, it’s time to concentrate on adjusting to a bit more hard work everywhere…

Downtown Lights

Tomorrow, I read a poem in a Book Launch for the first time. It’s not just me, there’s nearly 30 other people involved in this, and my single poem is, as are all the others, about being neurodivergent. I’m still no further forward with a diagnosis with my Doctor, and it has been almost a year now. However, when I realize it took my daughter three years to get even seen for NHS treatment on waiting lists pre-COVID? I’m not sure when you start complaining, if indeed you can at all.

Anyway, it’s a busy week, and I am slowly beginning to readjust to a new way of working. The physical changes to a body that’s now accepting both intermittent fasting and more exercise, that there’s strength in places where it never really existed and that I feel more physically confident than I have for some time are all good, positive steps. Other things are still lamentably awful, though. You can’t have everything. The trick really is not to moan about it all too much, or you become stereotypically British.

I booked myself an open mic on Thursday with some new people in Coventry. It’s always good to see how other people do it. It’s not long now to June and having to do it in an actual physical space with real people, and that’s already looking a bit scary. We’ll cope, because we have to, as that’s the next logical iteration of the project. It is a project too. Some people might not like what I do, but that’s never my problem, and always their loss. Let’s keep moving forward.

Keep on Moving

We are in ‘evolve or perish’ mode right now, which requires an almost daily reinvention of the game plan. I’m also four weeks out from a 30-mile bike ride on closed roads and nowhere near the capacity to complete it. Therefore, we need some training and a bit of practice, plus some better snacking options than currently exist in the house. Balancing all this is the notion that doing the same as everyone else is a waste of my time.

Therefore, today, it is time to start building some new empires. They won’t be huge, and might take a fair bit of time to establish, but the concepts are solid. I am also doing a new, Tuesday cycling class for a few weeks to try and make it look like I am making an actual effort with the cardio. It’s with an instructor who covered my normal Thursday class last week and ended up killing me. I was very pleased at this turn of events, so it is time to see how things operate in her natural habitat :D

There’s been a lot of struggles over the last year to get my wok/writing balance right. I think we might be getting there now. Certainly the changes to my body would suggest that progress is happening. The next step is to try and normalize the sleep pattern, lay off the biscuits and really make some inroads into finding some kind of style that does not involve living in exercise gear, however comfortable that might end up being…

Manic Monday

Day One Proper of my Big Advocacy Gig went off largely without a hitch. I am really having to work rather hard now to concentrate on writing sentences, however, which probably means that a cheeky nap is in my future. The amount of anxiety generated by trying to be someone who looks both focussed and organized is equal to ten times the normal expended energy output. It is a tough ask, even now, to play the part of someone who’s not panicking internally all the fucking time.

However, it is having an effect. People are listening, and conversations are being started, but as this is only Week One of Twelve, I probably need to do something about better management of my feelings. Also, really, will need more sleep than I’m currently managing. I’m not sure why that is either, but it isn’t about the amount of work I’m doing, that is certain. Once this week’s stress over making video wears off, we’ll be in a better place.

I have one out of seven done, and if a nap is secured later, we’ll make that three before the end of the day. The video is all finished and planned, just have to record audio and do the construction work. You’ll see them in a week, which is Mental Health Awareness Week. I hope I can make every one a part of a cohesive, narrative journey.