Tag Archives: shit just got real

Good Times

Just made over £100 with a Tea and Talk event online. Good Times.

I’ve got a piece (one of four being entered this year for the National Poetry Competition) that’s as close to what I really am as anything that has previously been written. It’s title? ‘The First Time I saw Fuck in a Poem.’ If this stuff is supposed to truly reflect the essence of yourself on a page, then this it. The other three poems are also pretty spot on but this one? Me, absolutely in verbal format. I’m not even sure it’ll make it to judging.

Well, at least I tried.

The backlog of work, finally, is coming to an end. It’s like the washing, which may finally have been surmounted after several weeks of feeling permanently under siege. Once these submissions are done, I’ll be taking a few days off, mostly to take pictures. The monthly stuff is getting easier to deal with. Cutting back on workload is what is required. Not every moment of the day needs to be filled with stuff.

I really need some new friends.

 

The World is Not Enough

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Between you and me, I am not a great fan of competition. However, it is undoubtedly true that having goals and objectives makes the process of putting in the miles (whether literal or metaphorical) easier to achieve. It is the reason why a daily list of Things to Do is now written without a thought with the second cuppa of the day. In the exercise department, self-motivation is key. Pushing each day to obtain what can often seem like nominal targets does have a benefit: those thirty-six tiny push-ups achieved yesterday will be a little bit stronger once completed today.

Last night, my Functional Threshold Power went up by a massive eight points. It wasn’t through a scheduled test, simply doing the Richmond World Cycling Championship course on Zwift as if I was trying to win it. What is now apparent is that setting goals matter far more than they ever did, because by these yardsticks does the true ability of an individual emerge. It’s why I’ve signed up for all those challenges: sure, some of them dangle free shit like juicy, fresh carrots… the realistic chances of winning any of it is slim to none. That’s not why we’re taking part.

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This effort, plus the fact there was no car to use yesterday in the rainiest day remembered for some time, also pushed the step count up in the range that’s not been seen for many, many months. I miss walking, and that needs to be fixed as the weather improves.

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The Fitbit won’t normally record my steps as miles, and so this is not a strictly accurate representation of effort (18 miles ridden plus about 6 miles walked yesterday would be closer to the truth.) Asking my Fitbit to record the activity as cycling will work if bike moves, but is largely redundant when static, so the thing is shoved in my cycling shorts (at leg level) to record movement that way. As a heart monitor is worn it’s easy to equate an accurate calorie count regardless.

However, if truth be told, the camera and I need to be outside, by the Estuary and in the woods and at the old buildings that are crying out to be photographed. That’s the plan for May, and with an improvement in general organisation, all these things should now be doable.

That’s the plan anyway.

Down, Down

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I’ve spoken before about my obsession with weight, for that is what this remains. I think, after 436 attempts to move past five pounds lost, it is probably the moment to accept some shortcomings. I’m dreadful with discipline and patience. It is easier not to think healthily when stressed. Given the chance, eating is the answer to depression, anxiety and anger. Except, as of today, it isn’t anymore. None of these things remains acceptable as a path forward.

How do you realistically alter the habits of a lifetime?

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Instead of obsessing about this to a large audience, it is time to go small. It is incredibly simple to alter long-term habits. You just do it. Inevitably, there will be fuck ups along the way, and then these occur the solution is not to go back to the old ways. However, four hundred and thirty-five times, I’ve not made it past the first hurdle. That alone should be shame-inducing enough to alter course if it is admitted publicly. The bigger issue, however, is the obsession, and that’s something I watch other people do online every day.

That seems to break down into two categories: the people who grasp they are, and those with no idea it is happening. I don’t want to be the person other people laugh at or point towards because there is a fixation with the same subjects, time and again. This should not about making shortcomings public property… except, to shame me sufficiently into alteration, that’s the path that will now be taken. I can’t be back here in a month with a deeper furrow trodden. I am no longer enough. Please take away your motivational posters, and let me accept the failure for what it is.

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The only person this matters to, in the end, is me. However, so much does hang around this goal, and has done historically for years. The tools are now available to complete the task, and yet it remains undone… and there’s understanding now as to why because once this is fixed, there are bigger demons to face. No matter. Getting nowhere is no longer an option. Wasting time on things and people who do not care is also part of the past. The future is written on my terms.

The next time we talk about this, I’ll have my 10 pounds lost badge.

The Last Time

header109Having a day off yesterday was REALLY useful, not simply for the fact I could stop worrying about anything except getting my novel written.

My organisation is pretty solid as it stands, next step in proceedings is getting more things written and finished before time. That will require more calendar reliance, and I’m considering taking a whole weekday simply for doing this. Normally my planning happens on a Sunday, but as the weather improves, I will be expecting to spend a lot more time outdoors with training. Therefore, as from tomorrow, it is time to rearrange my Planner. There’ll be more of this in the Writing blog, but I can see a lot of benefit in making what is normally my most difficult day of the week the one where most of the work has to get done.

The novel got a bit stuck on Thursday, but yesterday was fairly revelatory, and we have progress. I’ll argue that about 5k of what was written will not actually survive a final draft. I didn’t expect to be writing stuff from scratch after eighteen years, but it is happening, mostly because of the fundamental changes in my mental outlook. That means that the 28th is not the end of this, by some way. This will have to be added to the list of things to organise, but I need to be at the Gym now, and then do a 50k bike ride. I’d like to do some gaming stuff as well today, so let’s see how much we can get done.

I’ve spent more money than expected this weekend on gaming. If I don’t use it, I’ll consider cancelling everything until the new Expansion comes.

Let’s see how it goes.

Closing Time

Putting on my leggings this morning, I had a back spasm. I know a guy who had weeks of painful repercussion simply from picking up his daughter, another who turned his head suddenly and slipped a neck disk. Sometimes, however careful you are, this shit just happens. I’ve ingested the standard painkillers, will take it easy and won’t do anything strenuous until Wednesday’s PT session. Not only does this shit happen, but I am well versed with the means by which you deal with it. Lying around all day complaining is not an answer, though it might be a wish for some. For me, there is really too much to do. It really doesn’t matter we’re in half term either.

My career is not going to progress itself.

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This morning I dropped my old car off for the last MOT I will have to pay for, as it is now consigned to the chronology of vehicles I used to own. It will still be driven for a while yet, however, but a replacement is ordered. It’s smaller and petrol, and I suspect might be the last fossil-fueled vehicle I ever possess. After that, it will be a tricycle or my feet, and that will be totally fine. My son has already professed a complete lack of desire to learn to drive, stating there are far more important things he ought to be doing. Public transport suits him fine, and I have a measure of empathy with this statement. I’d love to call time on this county’s obsession with cars as transport. Maybe my son could be the first step.

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I’ve also got half a mind to start taking pictures every day from now on, just as a means to give my brain summat to relax with. The weekend was enormously stressful, and I would venture to suggest a lot of my body woes are wrapped around the trauma that created. Therefore having something to do other than working at a PC or a bike will be hugely beneficial long term. I ought to do yoga too, but that’s not really a half term pursuit. For now, the daily walk will get some air in my lungs, wake up the brain and give more content.

After that, we can busk the rest.

Wide Open Space

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You ever had a day when you realised the fundamental problem in everything was you?

Once upon a time, when this used to happen (and it did quite often, coinciding with hormonal change before or during menstruation) I’d just go backwards. There’d be rows, recrimination and ultimately tears: yesterday all of those happened, but not in the way they had before. In fact, on reflection, Thursday ended up the best day of the week. Even with five hours sleep I know that yesterday was incredibly important. I’ll write about the literary consequences in the appropriate place but psychologically, we are breaking new ground. I’m pretty confident the meditation is what is helping (and I’ll be doing a practice later) but there are other, more subtle factors at play.

I find looking at myself intimidating, and yet next month am planning to start a video diary, mostly because of just that. Laying yourself bare is not an issue a lot of the current generation have, because they have grown up with the visual very much front and centre. For me, it is the last bastion of uncertainty. Now I am pretty comfortable with what I am, that there doesn’t need to be makeup or a particular type of ‘look’ to merit comfort, the time has come to start playing about with visuals. I’m also considering doing audio only readings of poetry with musical accompaniment for Patreon, so everything is coming together quite nicely.

What is at the core of all of this, inevitably, is familiarity with myself, which hasn’t happened for quite some years. This is due to a very particular set of circumstances which, one day, I will pluck up courage to share with the World. For now, the people who do know have been hugely supportive and understanding, and that’s probably all that is required as a result. I’ve also had enough of those people who come to read my stuff and are arrogant and self-centred enough to believe I’m talking about them. For the record, if you piss me off in the future, I’ll use names and make sure EVERYBODY knows what fucking tools you people are.

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The main reason I know things are getting better is because I’m still working on a domestic project I began on Sunday. I didn’t get bored, or lose interest, or think the whole thing wasn’t worthwhile. I’m still going, and today (after a second scheduled PT for the week) I’ll be carrying on. My personal sanity now depends not simply on internal factors, but the external too. If I can improve everything around me, not simply myself, the benefits are becoming immediately obvious.

The key here is to keep moving forward.

Enough is Enough

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This morning, I woke up itchy. I have 12 insect bites on the go currently, and my body is less than happy about the entire state of affairs. In fact, I’m nauseous, irritable and ready to sort the World out.

Frankly, I’ve had enough of those people whose sole purpose on Twitter is to say they’re successful when all they’re doing is using robots and ‘social engagement’ tools such as Crowdfire to build a perception of popularity. With the spectre of robot algorithms already dominating large portions of my daily life, I don’t need real people pretending they’re successful when really, its all cheating. I spent an hour flushing out everyone who isn’t participating, and once I can confirm the validity of these accounts they’ll either stay or go.

In case you’re wondering, I poke all new followers for real. The last time it happened and a human response came back, the guy running the ‘social media content’ account tried really hard in an attempt to get me to repost his stuff. I had to give him credit, news was targetted at me and showed he understood my interests. The fact remains however that his noise was just that: reposted articles, carefully curated with only one aim in mind, to further his follower numbers, building only a notional sense of reality. Social media is supposed to be personal as well as informative, after all.

It is no wonder many people are genuinely concerned at what AI is capable of doing, when it already allows a section of the population to pretend they are some kind of deity on the back of the most basic of use. I’ve decided that if you want me to consider a follow going forward, unless you’re willing to demonstrate your account’s as genuine as mine, I’m having nothing to do with you.

It might seem an irrelevant line in the sand to you, but for me this stuff matters.