Your Cheating Heart

Considering how desolate things felt on Friday, Monday is surprisingly optimistic. There’s lots to do, a clear and well-defined list to complete, tangible progress over the weekend. I’ll be at PT shortly, cycling tonight… yeah, this is all good. So, why am I so jittery? Well, that’s easy enough to answer. Once Tuesday is out of the way each week, it’ll be easier. It helps that it’s a 12-1 slot. I’m even thinking of walking there and back for the miles, and then doing a massive cycle session in the evening.

I don’t remember anything about what to expect, and this is not helping.

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Expectation for me right now is a revolving door: never stops moving, almost impossible to successfully navigate, makes me nervous using it. The Girl who Obsessively Overthinks Everything is desperately trying not to do that with too much of anything, which is why yesterday there was poetry when there should have been short stories, because for now the former’s got a bit more traction. Going on instinct is helpful. My gut, normally quite sound when it comes to doing the right thing, is pretty much useless.

The answer, of course, is to just get on with each day as it comes, whilst organising the shit out of everything within my remit. Everything else, then, just gets slotted in wherever there’s a space, and I don’t allow annoying stuff to overwhelm. I don’t get dragged down rabbit holes either, or give attention or interest to those people who would clearly love that to happen. It’s a tough ask but we’re getting there.

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Therefore, this week, let’s see how much I can get done without being bogged down by expectation.

The Climb

It’s amazing what a decent night’s kip and a change of bed-linen can do for the outlook.

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Last night, I learnt two things I didn’t know on Friday. One is trivial, the other is life changing. No, you don’t get to know either, but on reflection neither are actually that much of a surprise. Life should be a constant stream of such moments, which allow you to seamlessly continue onward regardless of your own shortcomings. Except, of course, you don’t. You just have to look at the current political and social traumas taking place to realise that life comes at you fast these days.

So, how do you cope?

Looking around me, lots of people don’t. Husband took the youngest and a friend to the local theatre last night, where a couple decided they’d be the drama instead by arguing the entire way through the performance. It takes a special kind of stupid to ignore everybody else around you whilst ruining the enjoyment of hundreds, but in essence that’s the job social media now plays in our existences. Why just bother with your own trauma when there’s millions of other people’s lives to ruin too?

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Amazingly it is not all going to shit everywhere, because the moment something awful happens the responses with positivity grow stronger and more strident with each day. You can happily decide to believe the whole world is going to shit (and sell your brand on the back of it) but after a while, people will stop listening. Slowly but surely, the World is waking up to an understanding that if you continue to perpetuate negativity in whatever form, you lose support, interest and ultimately traction.

Left or right wing extremists, it doesn’t matter. Extremism is dangerous, full stop. Don’t need a brain to work that out, but do need a brain to be able to grasp that eventually, when people stop listening, maybe it wasn’t that they got bored. Perhaps it was because your rhetoric became unacceptable. Maybe you won’t win anybody’s interest or belief/support by flat out dismissing anything that doesn’t look/talk/believe in the same things as you is an idiot.

The speed of change is absolutely catching an awful lot of people on the hop.

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This has always been one of my biggest stumbling blocks: I’m a snail. That means that learning to adapt is an even bigger ask than perhaps it is for someone at twenty or even thirty. However, I am living proof that if the 52 year old dinosaur can pull her head out of her arse and start reacting to the issues the World is presenting, lots of you other people need to start catching up. You have to want to be that person, however. Most will argue their lives are just to difficult anyway without having to factor personal growth into that equation.

Well, we all know what that is, don’t we everybody?

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This week, there is lots to do. Time to shut up and get on with it.

Do I Love You?

The plans for decorating my daughter’s room starting on Monday got tossed when she got sick, and now she’s better there’s a chance of getting paint and stuff before the weekend. However, this means that my plans for NEXT week are now completely arse about face, and that there needs to be a digit extracted today so I can be in some kind of position to get everything done within the time budget.

I’m also regretting last night’s Blaze change, but it will pass.

I’ve cracked doing stuff for longer. That’s the key in all of this, to be able to keep going and not get tired. Stamina. I’ll grant you this morning my body is feeling the effect of last night, but it isn’t nearly as bad as it was last week, or indeed the week before. Like writing, if you practice enough, it becomes habit. Habit allows relaxation into the material, understanding both body and mind. It is all part of a larger, more complex process.

Also, it’s kindof cool to be able to do all this stuff now and look like I know what I’m doing. A lot of life is acting, of course, but when the strength exists within you, that’s a task that is progressively easier too. Having actual numbers to back up your words and deeds is hugely useful, and it’s why the lack of communication and feedback in publishing has become so fucking frustrating. I‘ll write about that in a minute.

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In the meantime, the bar’s there to be cleared.

I just gotta do it.

In the Beginning

Day One of Training: Early start, thanks to daughter doing homework at 6am. Shed is open and cooling down, intend to do an hour between one and two before I go pick her up from school, and then go do some upper body work at the Gym afterwards. Ideally, I should be exercising immediately after the morning School Run, which will start happening tomorrow. I just needed today to get the backlog of written work done and schedule as much as possible so that there’s no need to be at a keyboard any more than necessary.

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Then, there is fuelling. I’ve readjusted My Fitness Pal and will RELIGIOUSLY be counting the calories. If I weigh myself every day there will undoubtedly not be the progress wanted, so I won’t be getting back on until this time next week, when I should have have burnt an inordinate amount of calories. There’s no honey in my tea either, it will be fruit sugars only, and in moderation. There are emergency flapjacks to cover the possibility of sugar crashes. I am ready to do this. The proof of the pudding (only fruit, no cream) and all that… it just needs to happen.

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Free Your Mind

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Welcome to Week 26, people, exactly halfway through 2018.

This is not where I’d expected to be. I’m still happier than at any point in the previous decade or so, and certainly more productive, but there is work to do. Therefore, this morning, I took my daughter to school and then went straight to the Gym. After a Pokemon had been put in it, I drove to a REAL Gym and did an hour’s work, and that’s what will happen every Monday, Wednesday and Friday throughout the Summer.

It is time to see if I can actually do my body justice.

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A decision I made in the Real World has come back to haunt me, as it transpired the instigated actions have cause more harm than good. There is nothing that can be done now, of course, except apologise to the person concerned and move on. What this has done however is push brain to reconsider a lot of what has been thought as the ‘right’ thing to do of late, based on what appears to have been an incorrect assessment of situation. Not everybody needs or wants help, after all.

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The best course of action right now is to just work hard and stop stressing about the stuff that can’t be fixed, and instead focus on improving things that are within my control.

That’s an easy task.

Strange Days

My brain has adjusted to a lot of change over the last few weeks. Sleep patterns are the best they’ve ever been, insofar as I am actually getting decent, useful rest. Yesterday I walked the short way to the Gym and did a HIIT Run session on the treadmill for the first time in forever. Instead of giving up when things got hard, it was pushed through, and the benefit this morning is great for body but not so awesome for brain.

The extensive To Do List is written down so, once finished, a line can be run through it and everything gets moved on. There’s a bunch of stuff from yesterday that never got completed, mostly because of not being focused. That’s been amended now and so, if you will excuse me, this becomes another ‘just shut up and get on with what matters’ blog.

The more they occur, the better life is becoming.